Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be frustrated by DH’s total lack of basic skills

245 replies

tryingtosortmylifeout · 01/12/2018 22:39

I’m going through an unusually busy period at work at the moment which means I’ve had to work all day today (I’m self-employed and work from home). I’ve been working for about 11 hours solid and have just clocked off.

I was planning to cook a nice chilli con carne from scratch for dinner tonight but unfortunately just haven’t had the time. DH can’t cook (Hmm) so offered to buy a takeaway instead. I found myself wishing my husband could cook me a nice meal rather than order from the (not brilliant) local Chinese, especially as we’ve been having way too many takeaways recently, but fine.

But the next thing is that he’s washed the bed sheets today and has just asked me to put the duvet cover back on the duvet as it’s “something he can’t do”. At this point I got quite fed-up and basically let him know that I’m tired, have been working all day and just want to flop on the sofa thank you very much.

He said putting on the duvet cover is a two person job (despite the fact that I’m perfectly able to sort it single-handed - again, Hmm) and has now been upstairs for 10 minutes trying to sort it himself.

AIBU to be completely fed-up with this or am I just tired? He’s lovely in a lot of ways but his lack of basic skills really does drive me nuts sometimes!

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 01/12/2018 22:44

I get the duvet cover thing, lots of people struggle with that. Not being able to cook a basic meal though... he needs to learn to cook.

WrongKindOfFace · 01/12/2018 22:45

He’s lucky he wasn’t out on his ear years ago. He actively chooses to be incompetent. Stop letting him!

Squeegle · 01/12/2018 22:45

How much do you “help “ him. How would he manage if you weren’t there.’ Would he just not eat, or change the sheets?

Ohyesiam · 01/12/2018 22:46

It does sound a little like he lacks motivation rather than skill.
I remember a friend I lived with once saying the cleaning should be up to me as I was sooooo much better at it than him. Some choice words were said, including that he obviously needed lots of practice to raise his competenceHmm.

I ve never understood not being able to cook, it’s just chopping things up and heating them. Following written instructions is easy.

WhirlwindHugs · 01/12/2018 22:47

You aren't being unreasonable. If you do these things for him all the time he won't learn.

The easiest way to do a duvet is with the cover inside out. I'm sure he can YouTube some videos if he really wants to.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2018 22:47

I put a king sized duvet cover on by myself twice a week, so if I can manage it so can he. As for cooking, perhaps you could start preparing dinner together and you can start to teach him basic skills and work up from there. Instead of making it a battle, make it something fun you can do together. Have a glass of wine and get cooking!

Original poster
tryingtosortmylifeout · 01/12/2018 22:47

Oh dear Vim - I feel harsh now. He’s been thumping around upstairs huffing and puffing for at least 15 minutes! Grin

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 01/12/2018 22:48

Direct him to YouTube it has step by step for everything.
If he is a grown adult with no disability he has no excuse for not learning and trying
(But don't make a fuss if he burns the chilli the first time)
What did he do before you got with him?

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/12/2018 22:49

You need to tell him how seriously unattractive this sort of self-perpetuated uselessness is and how, over time, it will eventually eat away at your respect for him. Nobody starts out in life knowing how to make up a bed or cook dinner; but most people know that part of being an adult is to learn these things - and in the era of the YouTube tutorial there is absolutely no excuse for him to say he “can’t” do things.

SgtFredColon · 01/12/2018 22:50

Fuck’s sake I am the most impractical clumsy person ever and I can manage to put on a duvet cover by myself!

Would annoy me him not cooking too. I hate cooking but I still learned how to do it.

Racecardriver · 01/12/2018 22:50

I would find that unreasonable in a 12 year old let alone a grown man. I’m shocked that you are still married to hi.

S0PH1A · 01/12/2018 22:50

Can he use the internet to watch YouTube ? Does he have a smart phone ? Can he use public transport ?

If so then he’s not incompetent, just lazy and selfish .

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/12/2018 22:52

Assuming no special needs, if it genuinely takes him over 15 minutes to get a duvet inside a cover then he is hamming it up to “prove” how he can’t do it so you don’t bother asking him to do it again. Yes, it’s a faff to do but it really isn’t that hard.

Mumshappy · 01/12/2018 22:52

YANBU ive come to the conclusion a lot of men are inadequate. I just cant figure out whether its 'cant do' or 'wont do'. I blame their mothers

Theknacktoflying · 01/12/2018 22:52

I’m an enabler ... I allow my DH to be the non preactical one....

It is time to stop martyrdom and just show him what to do - he might not be able to cook, but he can open a can, cut up an onion, put a pot of water on the stove ... He might not manage the duvet, but he can put the pillows slips on ...

TheMythOfFingerprints · 01/12/2018 22:56

Of course he's upstairs making a noticeable fuss.
He wants you to either go and do it help him or be pathetically grateful or never ask him again.

IfOnlyIKnewThen · 01/12/2018 22:57

God I feel your pain. Among the list of annoying things DH does is saying...can you choose something for DS 3 to wear to nursery just as I'm rushing out to work. Ffs, how difficult can it be? Or if I ask him to do something he'll ask me a million questions about how I want it done and then ask me to remind him to do it. Basically if I have to spend that long explaining how to complete a basic task and then remember to remind him about it I may as well just do it myself. Sometimes my head hurts with all the family information I need to juggle. Rant over. YA definitely NBU

Original poster
tryingtosortmylifeout · 01/12/2018 22:57

He’s come down triumphant now, looking rather pleased with himself that he managed to sort the duvet. Ha!

That’s a good idea Aqua - when I cook dinner tomorrow I might enlist him to help.

In DH’s defence he does do his fair share of housework - but he tends to empty the bins, clean the toilets, Hoover, do the washing up etc (basically all the not so nice jobs that I don’t want to do!)

OP posts:
TheMythOfFingerprints · 01/12/2018 22:58

I blame their mothers
he might not manage the duvet, but he can put the pillowslips on

Jesus wept.

redsummershoes · 01/12/2018 22:59

yanbu
there is a youtube tutorial for anything just tell him to get on with it.
and buy him ministry of food cookbook for christmas.

HollowTalk · 01/12/2018 23:00

Give him some pegs to use with the duvet cover. They're a life saver.

AdaColeman · 01/12/2018 23:00

It's planned incompetence, so that he can sit back whilst you do everything.
Buy him Saint Delia's "How To Cook", it will teach him how to boil an egg.
The longer you keep jumping up and taking over when he whines about the things he pretends that he can't do, the more it reinforces your role as The Housekeeper.

Have you mentioned to him how extremely attractive you find strong competent men?

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 01/12/2018 23:00

What would he do if he was living alone? Just not use a duvet cover and order take aways every night? I think he should learn to put together a basic mean - even if he starts off with pasta and pesto and some veg.

Glad he managed the duvet cover - I suspect needs must and he would learn to cook too if he had to!

Zoomzoomzoomzoom0 · 01/12/2018 23:00

That is deliberate strategic incompetence. Of course he can, he just doesn't want to.

Dotty1970 · 01/12/2018 23:00

Tell him to watch a you tube duvet tutorial... There are some good ones actually
(god knows why I have seen them)