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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be frustrated by DH’s total lack of basic skills

245 replies

tryingtosortmylifeout · 01/12/2018 22:39

I’m going through an unusually busy period at work at the moment which means I’ve had to work all day today (I’m self-employed and work from home). I’ve been working for about 11 hours solid and have just clocked off.

I was planning to cook a nice chilli con carne from scratch for dinner tonight but unfortunately just haven’t had the time. DH can’t cook (Hmm) so offered to buy a takeaway instead. I found myself wishing my husband could cook me a nice meal rather than order from the (not brilliant) local Chinese, especially as we’ve been having way too many takeaways recently, but fine.

But the next thing is that he’s washed the bed sheets today and has just asked me to put the duvet cover back on the duvet as it’s “something he can’t do”. At this point I got quite fed-up and basically let him know that I’m tired, have been working all day and just want to flop on the sofa thank you very much.

He said putting on the duvet cover is a two person job (despite the fact that I’m perfectly able to sort it single-handed - again, Hmm) and has now been upstairs for 10 minutes trying to sort it himself.

AIBU to be completely fed-up with this or am I just tired? He’s lovely in a lot of ways but his lack of basic skills really does drive me nuts sometimes!

OP posts:
Shriek · 03/12/2018 18:37

Great idea cooking lessons in your own kitchen!

zeeboo · 03/12/2018 18:38

I can put a duvet cover on but no matter how many times dh patiently teaches me, I can NOT do the fancy putting it on from inside out trick. I have ASD and I can't think 3 dimensionally.

Notreallyhappy · 03/12/2018 18:38

So your telling me my husband is married to you tooGrin mines useless at home x

christmaschristmaschristmas · 03/12/2018 19:00

Err he can do these things OP. He is CHOOSING not to.
Even if you've got to whatever age without cooking or changing a duvet, how hard is it to have a quick google?

Refuse to do stuff for him and he will buckle up.

LuluJakey1 · 03/12/2018 19:12

Beyond me how a fit and healthy man can not put a duvet in a cover by himself. Pathetic. Don't you feel bad. Let him struggle - we learn from doing the things we can't do and working out how to do them.

wallowinwater · 03/12/2018 19:15

How can a grown man be unable to do these simple tasks? Very not sexy and why on earth do you put up with it?!!! 😱

Tryingtobedebtfree2019 · 03/12/2018 19:16

It takes literally 2 minutes to change a duvet cover....no matter what size. Turn the sheet inside out. Put your hands into the far end corners. Hold the two top corners of the duvet and then shake it on to the duvet and pull down. My mum could never do it either Confused but then she couldn't even fry an egg sooo....

myadviceisdontskippaps · 03/12/2018 19:18

omg - just had flashbacks to the time XH couldn't fold some king size sheets by himself and insisted he needed help, and when I pointed out i folded the sheets myself every time I did the laundry (he never did any) and he never ever helped me, he tried to tell me it was a nice activity to do together. let's just say things of that sort contributed to the reason he's an XH.

howabout · 03/12/2018 19:23

Shriek can you honestly not see why? I honestly don't care if you or anyone else can make chili or any other supposed home cooked staple. I also would never criticise anyone for being married to a DH who could not perform this supposed "necessary life skill" or their DM for not properly tutoring them. I am kind of shocked that the thread is full of other people doing precisely that. Shock

I am old enough to remember the time when women and men were equally pleased to be liberated from the tyranny of stepford wife levels of home catering. The reality is that very few women let alone men actually menu plan, shop and cook from scratch daily.

TheVeryHungryDieter · 03/12/2018 19:32

I did once hear a tipsy DH (came in from night out, guests arriving following day while we would be at work) calling for assistance with a duvet cover. Nothing unusual there, he hates doing them, so I rolled my eyes and went up to help.

When I went in he was sitting cross legged on the middle of the double bed. Under the duvet cover, which was twisted up around him. The duvet was on the floor. He had actually got himself trapped inside the sheets and couldn't find the way out again.

A few years ago, when I was complaining about doing all the cooking, he said he'd cook for me. He picked out a recipe from the book. Lovely. As he was leaving for work in the morning, he asked me if I'd look in the fridge, see what ingredients we had, and go and buy the ones we were missing. I was a bit put out - this is part of the shopping headache for me - but he made the point that he was working that day and I wasn't. Fair enough. I looked up the recipe, made a list, went shopping. Then when he was on his way home he sent me a text "Hey honey, I'm on the way. Can you start peeling and chopping all the veg now so it's ready for me to start cooking when I get in?"

I swear to God. The only reason I didn't kill him was that I had to spend the rest of the evening on my hands and knees, searching for my jaw that had dropped off...

busyhonestchildcarer · 03/12/2018 19:32

My husband cant cook.Weve been married 31 years and are early retirees.With thoughts of getting old with potential ill health ive decided its about time he learnt so im teaching him.31 years without doing much in the way of housework and im teaching him.I think mums need to teach their boys how.We live in a world where women work too and men need to do their bit at home

thecatsabsentcojones · 03/12/2018 19:33

If you can afford a few takeaways get a Thermomix instead, it cooks preloaded recipes and it's fab. Your husband would be able to cook, it even weighs stuff for you...

OopsIdidittentimes · 03/12/2018 19:43

Why did you marry him?

herethereandnow · 03/12/2018 19:50

He might not know how to do something but that is no excuse not to learn. Either show him yourself or direct him to youtube. And there are lots of men's cooking classes out there - proper blokey type classes (great Christmas gift!).

Nearly47 · 03/12/2018 19:57

My 13 years can change the duvet cover. Takes him a while but I thought him. It's a basic skill. Take your DH never lived alone. Agree with the idea of the YouTube. Man like that and is quite well explained. I remember I had a friend who couldn't cut her own nailsShock . Offer to teach him. It's not that hard. Same with basic cooking. I am not a great conk but can follow a recipe no problem and it tastes decent.

Nearly47 · 03/12/2018 20:00

@myadvice, my husband still can't fold the sheets by himself. The kids help him because it makes me laugh. It's ridiculous. I think he just enjoys doing in pairs. He is quite competent in other household jobs

Port1ajazz · 03/12/2018 20:01

I think he's doing the clever man thing " I can't do it " ! Most of the time the woman's response is "oh give it here " !

bengalcat · 03/12/2018 20:05

Well practice makes perfect do duvet changing is clearly his role for the future

DoveOfPiss · 03/12/2018 20:31

My OH had never lived on his own when we got together. He went from his mum doing absolutely everything for him (baby of the family, dad worked away a lot, she didn't work) straight to living with a girlfriend who did the same, for 18 years 😱 apparently even if he got home first he would sit around and wait for her to come in and cook for him!!! Then he left her to shack up with another woman who did the same!!!
I'm so glad he'd been living on his own (well in a shared house but having to do his own cooking/cleaning/washing) for 4 years by the time we got together. He'd have been out on his ear if he'd done that with me 😂😂 he likes coming to mine now and 'being looked after' - I'm sure he thinks I enjoy it haha. Well the opposite is also true. I drop my kids off at my parents and go to his to be 'looked after'. I don't care that it's out of a tin or frozen/reheated - I didn't have to cook it. And that makes all the difference.😄

DoveOfPiss · 03/12/2018 20:35

He has still never lived anywhere on his own. Just him. But he's had to learn basic culinary and domestic tasks to get by, is my point I guess.

Motoko · 03/12/2018 21:18

He went from his mum doing absolutely everything for him (baby of the family, dad worked away a lot, she didn't work) straight to living with a girlfriend who did the same, for 18 years 😱 apparently even if he got home first he would sit around and wait for her to come in and cook for him!!! Then he left her to shack up with another woman who did the same!!!

He sounds lovely.

toxic44 · 03/12/2018 21:40

It might sound silly but many men are afraid of failing to do something a woman can do easily. Indoctrination about 'real men' being endlessly competent has its price. Like us, men hate to be seen to fail. So they don't try. Of course, some make being unpractised an excuse for not trying. Make it a game, not a fight. DP, who was brought up with, 'Get out of my kitchen, useless boy! You men are all the same - useless!' was seduced into making granola today. OK, that doesn't sound much but if you show them easy things, treat them kindly and encourage them, men can and will learn. I started with, 'Can you just stir the soup for me please?' and got him to be in the kitchen with me - something he'd never been allowed to do. Same with bed-making, meal planning, shopping. People learn best when they're having fun. Why fight when you can enjoy?

angelfacecuti75 · 03/12/2018 21:51

I really don't like making the bed! I can do the sheets and pillows but when its a double duvet i struggle to lift the thing up and its definitely easier with 2 people. He can learn though. For cooking i would recommend the boom nosh for students it takes you through the basics of cooking from amazon. It teaches you things like 'how long can i keep this before it kills me?", how to boil pasta /eggs/ veg'.

Shriek · 03/12/2018 21:54

toxic are you with a man, or a child? He sounds like one of your DC, or you treat him that way. Insulting really as a grown man, and if he's behaving like a child still freat him like a man and just get on with it, its a bed.

Shriek · 03/12/2018 21:54

*Treat