To be frustrated by DH’s total lack of basic skills

[tryingtosortmylifeout]

I’m going through an unusually busy period at work at the moment which means I’ve had to work all day today (I’m self-employed and work from home). I’ve been working for about 11 hours solid and have just clocked off.

I was planning to cook a nice chilli con carne from scratch for dinner tonight but unfortunately just haven’t had the time. DH can’t cook () so offered to buy a takeaway instead. I found myself wishing my husband could cook me a nice meal rather than order from the (not brilliant) local Chinese, especially as we’ve been having way too many takeaways recently, but fine.

But the next thing is that he’s washed the bed sheets today and has just asked me to put the duvet cover back on the duvet as it’s “something he can’t do”. At this point I got quite fed-up and basically let him know that I’m tired, have been working all day and just want to flop on the sofa thank you very much.

He said putting on the duvet cover is a two person job (despite the fact that I’m perfectly able to sort it single-handed - again, ) and has now been upstairs for 10 minutes trying to sort it himself.

AIBU to be completely fed-up with this or am I just tired? He’s lovely in a lot of ways but his lack of basic skills really does drive me nuts sometimes!

Yes the 'blame the mothers' commenter can do one. You don't suddenly realise, on the day you leave home, that you're going to have to take care of daily tasks like cooking and housework.

I do have sympathy with people who can't cook basic things because they've never been shown. My dad showed me a couple of basic things before going to uni so I wouldn't starve, but as an adult I have learned through being interested and seeking out recipe books etc. That has required some time and effort and not everyone has access to it. However, it's easier now than it ever was with things like intro videos on youtube. I would be surprised if DH has never had the time or opportunity to watch one of those, and I'd be even more surprised if he can't make beans on toast or similar.

So how do you get a period of time when you are not doing anything else but concentrating on cooking.

Dp needs picking up usually at 7pm. Either I fend off the dc whilst dp cooks when he comes home so we wouldn’t be eating till nearly 9pm by the time he has come home, got changed and cooked something from scratch. Or I try to cook and it goes wrong because I am not there or I stick on a ready meal and have everything ready to serve for 7.15pm.

To be quite honest, speaking as a competent though not amazing cook, I would struggle with those timings. What I would do is batch cook or have put something in the slow cooker in the morning, and if it's a Monday have leftovers of a chicken I'd cooked the day before along with some zero effort veg such as bagged salad or spend a bit more on those pre-prepped steamer things.

But of course that requires knowing how to do it already, so is absolutely no help at all to you seeing as you don't.

The blame the Mother comments are funny - would be even worse if the DH had "learned" to cook from the DM in Butterflies.
If you expect your partner to make what you want to eat and cook it just as you do I think that is unreasonable. Cooking is a creative process and the DH is quite happy with a take away.

I always pull the duvet cover off so it's inside out, it's washed, dried and ironed inside out. I put my hands into the corners and grab the duvet, then shake it down. Takes a few minutes, takes ages if DH helps, so I do it alone.

The duvet is super king, I'm short, old and fairly lazy. Duvet's didn't exist when I was young, having to make a bed with non fitted sheets and blankets, now that really was a massive pain in the backside.

I taught my ten year old how to put pillow case on when last changed beds and said that was their job now. Told 12yr old changing duvet cover was going to be their job soon and I’d show and help until we’re able to do it.
I’m a rubbish cook but I have to do it because I’m not going to rely on someone to do it for me all the time. Surely he could have got something fromshops and cooked something basic. You know like he had to do before you.
Start having a partnership of domestic duties.

I struggle with king size duvet covers, but I can still do it.

Even my 11 and 13 year old boys can do duvet covers.

And they're learning to cook.

Your DH is being wilfully incompetent and trying to dump it all on you. Don't let him be such a selfish git.

We have a single duvet each-much easier!

Surely being married is about team work... so if he's incapable of doing all the things you do easily, it's because you haven't included him in the process so he can learn as you tackle things together ? Can you do all the stuff that he does ? If not apply the same principle.

It is about teamwork, but equally, one of them could very easily be taken ill or have to go away for a bit at some point. So it's essential to both have some idea of the basics. It's fine for one person to do all the cooking because they're better at it and the other one to be responsible for something else instead, but it's still a good idea for Person B to be able to feed the family on something more than takeaway in case of emergency.

I think sometimes folk think they can’t do something just because they haven’t.

I can do a suoerking on my own. I used to use pegs but now don’t need to (it is still a pain though)!

It is pathetic for an able bodied adult to not be able to cook a basic meal or put on a duvet cover.

Pathetic.

And to bang about for 15 minutes and make a massive fuss about being asked to do so is pathetic too.

I suggest from now on he does half the cooking. He can bloody well google how to bake a fucking potato or boil some sodding pasta. He has children! What will he do if you’re sick? Leave them in filthy duvets and feed them Chinese takeaway until you recover?

He’s pathetic and he should be ashamed of how pathetic he is.

To those who blame the mother, didn’t the father have a role in raising the child? I sometimes think I’m in a time warp. These comments have no place in the 21st century.

I'm glad he finally beat the duvet cover into submission. Congratulate him warmly, then tell him he needs more practice. Offer to time him with a stopwatch.

Your dh is a twat. Does he think you have some particular genetic disposition for cooking and making beds? Tell him it is now his job to sort the duvet cover, every time. Just to give him some practice.

With the comment about 'spoilt little princes', well even though the parent isn't neglecting the child, they are still doing then a disservice. They're setting them up for humiliation and I think it's actually quite cruel. Not equipping your child with the skills needed to succeed in the adult world, means you haven't done your job. Aren't parents meant to support and enable their offspring into independent living? Perhaps some parents who don't do that, are encouraging dependence.

And ok, if you're 35 then your mother isn't responsible, as at some point during the 17 years since turning 18, I imagine you'd want to learn. But leaving home at 18 unable to do those things is the fault of the parent. Some kids (me) actually asked their parents to teach them, I remember being in primary and wanting to learn to cook, she refused as it was 'her job'. Before I went to uni I knew I'd need to learn. She kept promising later, and putting it off, and then just telling me she was too busy and I'd learn when I arrived. Yes, too busy for 18 years. Hmm.

I actually do think parents (not just mother's, parents) have a lot to answer for. Tbh I think for men wives just step into the same role almost and they needn't learn. Take my dad for eg, he went from his mam to his wife, and got to 65 before learning to make a bed! Perhaps if he'd lived alone he'd have had to learn. Or even better the women in his life could have stopped doing it for him (with mam again she would tell him it's her job and would kick off if he tried doing it himself, so he couldn't be entirely blamed for laziness)

When he’s finished the duvet cover, get him to have a look at this blog.
Mustbethistalltoride.com - scroll down to ‘She divorced me because I left dishes by the sink’ - it says it all. It’s not about housework, it’s about respect.

Yeah these mother blaming comments always piss me off - and I see them a lot on here. Do fathers not have any responsibilities? Do adult men (and women) not have a personal responsibility to learn stuff? Rather than blame his mother - if wives/female partners are putting up with this and moaning on here, don't they have some responsibility too?

I left home and there were some things I hadn't done before - but I learned, it didn't occur to me to blame my mother for what I didn't know ffs.

I am mystified by the duvet problems. I am 5ft0 and have never had a problem changing double and king size duvets. Why is it difficult?

Oliversmumsarmy, if you are NT etc it's less of an issue, you can teach yourself at any point.

When you have a child that has issues with learning etc, it becomes important that they make the most of what they can do.

My point was that very few Adults that work etc can't not do basic stuff.

We ran Parenting/Cooking courses for Parents whose children had a CP Plan. Those that wanted to keep hold of their children, learned how to successfully run a house etc.

I lived off ham sandwiches until I got hold of cookbooks and at eight could do a roast dinner. I had an abusive childhood.

It's bullshit that Men who work, drive etc can't/don't see housework/cook/look after children.

That's why I bought up Muslim countries were its the Men that work in all roles in the resorts.

The excuses need to stop.

Some mother baby their children and teach them no life skills or coping mechanisms. They are taught that certain things are not their responsibility whether subconciously or not. Some fathers do this too. These people (not always men) make rubbish partners if they do not couple up with someone whose expectations are different or if they do not realise that they need to pull their finger out of there arses and act like a grown up . There are a lot of mummys boys around (and daddys princesses) i avoid either now as friends or partners. Too entitled

I can’t change a duvet cover.

Haven’t read whole thread but please don’t have DC with him until he’s learned basic household skills. Right now it’s annoying that he can’t do these things, if you have DC it’s infuriating and exhausting

easiest to do it on the floor if you have enough space.

I made the mistake of trying this once. Let's just say it's best avoided if you have a puppy in the house ...

About the duvet: there are some good YouTube videos for that (there are YT videos for practically EVERYTHING). Tell him to take a look at one, like this one:

About the cooking: get him a very simple cooking book for Xmas like this one:

www.amazon.co.uk/Cooking-Beginners-Quick-Proven-Recipes/dp/1847866980?tag=mumsnetforum-21

Or tell him to find 5 easy recipes on the Internet and stick to them. If he can master 5 simple dishes (i.e. scrambled eggs, quesadillas, whatever) so he can rotate when it's his turn cooking, you are all set.

Very few of us would think that an acceptable response to not knowing how do to a necessary work task would be so say "I can't do it" and refuse to learn how to do it and expect someone else to do it for us forever. But when it comes to household tasks it's perfectly ok? Why?