To be frustrated by DH’s total lack of basic skills

[tryingtosortmylifeout]

I’m going through an unusually busy period at work at the moment which means I’ve had to work all day today (I’m self-employed and work from home). I’ve been working for about 11 hours solid and have just clocked off.

I was planning to cook a nice chilli con carne from scratch for dinner tonight but unfortunately just haven’t had the time. DH can’t cook () so offered to buy a takeaway instead. I found myself wishing my husband could cook me a nice meal rather than order from the (not brilliant) local Chinese, especially as we’ve been having way too many takeaways recently, but fine.

But the next thing is that he’s washed the bed sheets today and has just asked me to put the duvet cover back on the duvet as it’s “something he can’t do”. At this point I got quite fed-up and basically let him know that I’m tired, have been working all day and just want to flop on the sofa thank you very much.

He said putting on the duvet cover is a two person job (despite the fact that I’m perfectly able to sort it single-handed - again, ) and has now been upstairs for 10 minutes trying to sort it himself.

AIBU to be completely fed-up with this or am I just tired? He’s lovely in a lot of ways but his lack of basic skills really does drive me nuts sometimes!

My DH can not see housework that needs to be done. And when he does, he says he has no time.

Your DH is already doing housework but struggling with the skilled areas like cooking and duvet covers! So he seems motivated to try but needs more practice. Don't help him and give him praise when he tries as you would for a 3 year old! Criticism will give him reason to not bother again.

Stop enabling his incompetence. He needs to get with the programme. I can change a king size duvet by myself and I have joint issues, so he's being a massive baby.

Mine can’t be bothered to cook. Left to his own devices he'll do beans on toast or chips. He'd be quite happy living off that.

I love cooking, so do most of it. He does the dishes (in a fraction of the time it takes me). We had friends for dinner yesterday. I spent a few hours Friday night, and most of yesterday, in the kitchen. In the meantime he blitzed the house, and will clean up the mess today. I don't have to do anything.

My dad is like that. Chooses to be utterly incompetent at household tasks. I don't humour him and my mum any more with the pathetic "oh, men, what would they do without us?" bullshit jokes they use to cover the fact that he is as lazy as fuck and she is a housework martyr. He's 65, he was perfectly competent at work for years, he would not sit and starve and rot if she stopped doing everything for him, he'd bloody well work it out. Putting a duvet cover on is easily learnt. Cooking a simple meal is, well, simple with a little practice. People are only this lazy and deliberately incompetent if enabled by those around them.

And I suspect you cooked the spaghetti for far too long, it's only meant to be cooked for a little over 10 minutes

On that occasion I had to go out to collect Ds so left it on very low.

I think because I don’t just cook I am doing about 5 other things at the same time and end up actually leaving the house to go and get dp or dc it always goes wrong.

I never actually stand in the kitchen and cook.

How do people do that. How do you not let everyone else distract you.

I tend to stick a Quorn or Linda Mc Cartney ready meal in with a few croquette potatoes and a bag of salad. That’s all I can manage.

@tryingtosortmylifeout it is sad you don't have empathy for him
His. Lack of basic skills indicates a poor child hood

Op, you CANNOT make a good job of putting a fucking duvet cover on FFS. You just put the fucking thing on. It's not brain surgery. Don't praise this man-child for doing a basic domestic task. I'm going to go and boil my head before I combust at the sheer number of strategically incompetent men being lauded for simply managing to be an adult.

I never actually stand in the kitchen and cook

That's where you're going wrong! How do you expect cooking to come out right when you're elsewhere?

Everyone can cook, some better than others, true. But you only need to pay attention to the instructions on the packet, even spaghetti comes with "how to cook" instructions!

People who say "I can't cook" are up there with "I'm so daft" which is attention seeking. In my opinion, of course.

@Truckingonandon idiot

"Op, you CANNOT make a good job of putting a fucking duvet cover on FFS. You just put the fucking thing on."

That's just what I was thinking!

Oh infantilising!

Did he also get a head pat for being a clever boy??!!

As for not being able to cook chilli!

There must have been something that he could have done so that there would have been time to cook it?

Although I always thought that it was a quick, easy meal so maybe I do it wrong as I can't ever imagine there not being time to do it!

MIL only cooked packet food, hence none of her children know how to buy, prepare, cook food. My DC have seen lots of home (and better) cooking. Therefore their love of food is innate.

DH does the bins incl recycling. 30 years ago he said he wasn't interested in doing his share. For 30 years he has paid for his and my shares.

Only yesterday I had a coffee (sneakily on my own) and at the next table two young women were complainong about their partners not helping. And refusing to get a cleaner because they didn't see the need. I felt like saying "stop doing his half then he'll see the need".

Luckily my mother didn't bring me up to clean so I don't, just as DH's didn't bring up hers to cook so they don't. She was dirty too so the SILs are dirty too.

To be fair, when I went to uni at 18 I had no life skills. Mam was very controlling and protective, and in some ways it isn't good. I actually asked her to show me how to cook and use the washing machine before going to uni, and she refused on the basis that I'd learn at uni.

Well yes, I did. But it was my housemates who showed me and they quite clearly judged me. I was grateful and willing to learn. One was lovely and helpful, the other commandering and controlling (I seem to fall into all the wrong friendships)

I couldn't even boil pasta! I did improve obviously, and now really love cooking. But I actually think it is quite cruel not to teach your children these skills, you're setting them up for humiliation. Quite a few posters on another thread said their kids would learn when they leave home! They argued any normal adult could work out how to do stuff or follow packet instructions

Washing machines aren't self explanatory unless you've used them before. Packets of pasta don't tell you how much water to put in the pan, do you boil the water and then add pasta or vise versa, how do you drain the water? And googling is an option but when you've moved miles from home and it's your 2nd day you're a bit frazzled and ask your new friends for help

I won't be setting my kids up for that humiliation. They'll be learning, not as some kind of punishment as some people class chores, but as vital life skills

Re your husband. It's time he learnt really. Dad is like this, mainly as for years he worked and mam stayed at home. Only when I was 18 was dad laid off and mam got a job. He is a bit better now at cooking stuff but I still remember being home from uni and him asking me to make his double bed up as he couldn't. First I laughed, then realised he was serious, then told him there was nothing special about me and that I would help but not do it for him. Getting double quilts on are tricky tbf and better with 2 people, but one person can do it with a faff. I showed him how to do sheets, pollows etc and now he does it himself bar the quilt

Show him, really. Dad was embarrassed when I asked why he hasn't learnt by his age, I imagine your husband is embarrassed too. Don't blame him or humiliate him because it is horrible. Do point out that it's time to learn, and you will help him. If he's lazy, that isn't acceptable. And don't be sucked into helping each time. Once you've shown him once he can do it himself

We grew up at a time when mothers stayed at home (Irish, and there was a marriage ban in place for some jobs). The marriage ban ended just before my mother got married so we grew up with two working parents and both of them shared the household chores-my dad being a dad more adventurous cook than my mum, in fact. My sons (in their 20’s) can cook, do laundry, clean, etc. So not all Irish mammies raise incompetent men!

O.P. Re the chili-write put a step by step guide to cooking it (utensils and ingredients needed and then the process numbered in steps) and let your OH start with that. That’s how I taught my younger son. Sometimes it’s easier to follow written instructions than a YouTube clip.

“Far more adventurous” not “dad more adventurous”!

"My DH can not see housework that needs to be done"

Your DH ignores it. Go to predominantly Muslim countries and Men are cooking and cleaning in Bars/Restaurants/Hotels etc. I bet they didn't do it at home, though, under the same excuses.

My DD has moderate LDs, she's training to be a Chef. All of the children in her SEN school were taught practical skills, at home and in school/after school activities.

I've worked in Adult disabilities and seen how people strive for independence.

It's bloody pathetic that Adults try to cop out of basic life skills.

All the Women making excuses, if you died would your DH honestly lose residency of your children because they couldn't run the house? Would your children have to become Carers? Wake up to the fact that they see it as your job as the grunt/lesser in the relationship.

So how do you get a period of time when you are not doing anything else but concentrating on cooking.

Dp needs picking up usually at 7pm. Either I fend off the dc whilst dp cooks when he comes home so we wouldn’t be eating till nearly 9pm by the time he has come home, got changed and cooked something from scratch. Or I try to cook and it goes wrong because I am not there or I stick on a ready meal and have everything ready to serve for 7.15pm.

"So not all Irish mammies raise incompetent men"

My MIL included, my DH's scones and baking was as good as his Sisters. As well as his Stews etc.

Butchers are traditionally Men and they manage to clean the equivalent of a Kitchen.

His. Lack of basic skills indicates a poor child hood

I'd say the opposite. Kids who are neglected have to learn to take care of themselves. This is probably a spoiled little prince whose parents did everything for him.

I would never enter into a relationship with someone who lacked such basic skills.

As if putting a duvet cover on is difficult. It takes two minutes.

All of the children in her SEN school were taught practical skills, at home and in school/after school activities

I went through the whole of my school life and never had school or after school activities that involved any form of cooking lessons and I didn’t eat anything my mother cooked because I couldn’t trust her so lived off cheese or jam sandwiches (jam only from an unopened jar as I couldn’t trust her to not put something in the jam)

I must admit I struggle with duvet covers. It wouldn't actually be a problem if I were on my own because I can do singles no problem, but we have a kingsize and it's just too big. Your husband probably isn't five foot one though.

However, YANBU to be annoyed if he really can barely do anything. It's one thing to find some particular task really difficult or struggle to remember it whilst being otherwise capable of general adulting, but across the board is different.

Plus, 'cooking' is a skill that has so much variation. Ok he may not know how to make the particular dish you have planned. Again that could happen to anyone. But if he's capable of going to a takeaway he could presumably also have gone to a shop and bought some steaks and a bag of salad, fresh pasta, pizza or any one of a dozen really easy things that only require applying a bit of heat and assembling. Or done you jacket potatoes, beans on toast or whatever hearty store cupboard thing you might like. If he really couldn't have managed any of these things, and there's no underlying reason why then yeah, I'd have been fucked off. You're wasting money and eating unhealthily because he can't do very basic meal prep.

YABU

I didn't crack single handed duvet covers till my MIL showed me in my 40s. We always viewed it as a couples activity.

Anyway sheets and blankets are much better for night sweats and consequent unreasonable menopausal rage.

My teenagers are currently moaning about bathroom duty, hoovering, dishes and bins because both DH and I are incapacitated. They would give your DH houseroom on his current chore count as they don't mind cooking as much.

If your only objection to take away is healthy eating open a tin of beans.

It someone refuses to do basic things as an adult how is it 'their mothers fault'?

Unless the adult in question has learning difficulties there is no reason that they can't learn to cook and clean. Ok, maybe only basic cooking but still cooking.

'Can't cook' is nonsense (barring disabilities, obviously). All you need is a basic recipe book and the ability to read. I learnt to cook as a student. Nobody taught me. It's not difficult. If you get to the age of 25 without being able to cook, it's nobody's fault but your own. Also I've never understood why so many people have such difficulty with duvet covers. Yes it's a mildly irritating task, but it's hardly rocket science and is certainly not a two person job. Nor is it made more difficult by owning a penis.

oliversmum'sarmy you prepare in advance. For example:

Children help to make pastry - flan tin lined and baked blind. Children help chop mushrooms with a blunt knife while you do onions. Turn on a v low heat for 20 mins. Put in flan case. Children break eggs i to bowl - everyone has a stir - bung in some cream and pour into flan dish, lob on good two handfuls of cheese. Bu g in oven for 45 minutes and do something else. Bag of leaves, cherry toms, etc into a bowl. Perhaps some new potatoes.

It's just a way of life. Flan will still be warm when DH is home. What remains = tomorrow's lunch.

My mum is 86 and doesn't have the best mobility, but even she can change her double duvet cover. It takes her a while but she likes to do some things herself.