To be frustrated by DH’s total lack of basic skills

[tryingtosortmylifeout]

I’m going through an unusually busy period at work at the moment which means I’ve had to work all day today (I’m self-employed and work from home). I’ve been working for about 11 hours solid and have just clocked off.

I was planning to cook a nice chilli con carne from scratch for dinner tonight but unfortunately just haven’t had the time. DH can’t cook () so offered to buy a takeaway instead. I found myself wishing my husband could cook me a nice meal rather than order from the (not brilliant) local Chinese, especially as we’ve been having way too many takeaways recently, but fine.

But the next thing is that he’s washed the bed sheets today and has just asked me to put the duvet cover back on the duvet as it’s “something he can’t do”. At this point I got quite fed-up and basically let him know that I’m tired, have been working all day and just want to flop on the sofa thank you very much.

He said putting on the duvet cover is a two person job (despite the fact that I’m perfectly able to sort it single-handed - again, ) and has now been upstairs for 10 minutes trying to sort it himself.

AIBU to be completely fed-up with this or am I just tired? He’s lovely in a lot of ways but his lack of basic skills really does drive me nuts sometimes!

Do you wipe his arse?

It IS easier & quicker to put a duvet cover on with 2 people, especially if on the large size like a super king. “Working for 11 hours solid” not taking a break isn’t healthy & your annoyance misdirected & disproportionate.

Ps fascinated that there are you tube videos re this sorta stuff though and really wish i had thought to do this on so many occasions when i have found myself in a state because i feel useless and don't know how to do something.

I am actually reading tbrough this thread and looking for life tips. But I suppose that's the difference between me and some people I wamt to learn so i seek things out. And google a lot.

My 7 year old could tell someone how to cook a chilli (and can give it a good go with supervision)

Your husband is being a dick.

Haha, we clearly share the same DH. They CAN do it- they just don’t want to.

Teach him. Even dogs and chickens can learn basic life skills.

I normally leave DH to put the bedding back on all four beds. I have a little routine of stripping them on a Sunday but then can't be arsed to put them back on again. He has always makes beds look neater somehow

I was worried this thread was going to class things like putting up shelves, hanging wallpaper and fixing leaking pipes as 'basic' - and therefore I would fail too.

Imagine my surprise finding out that things I don't even class as skills are listed - and I can do all those :)

My 7 year old wouldn't eat anything with chillies in never mind tell you how to cook with them. DH and DD2 add tabasco to almost everything to compensate.

Spelling is another one of my lacking key skills, not helped by having travelled and worked with people from lots of different linguistic backgrounds. I've just had to google the reasoning behind the chile. chili, chilli variant spellings.

This made me laugh.

"Try a chili with it, Miss Sharp," said Joseph, really interested. "A chili," said Rebecca, gasping. "Oh yes!" She thought a chili was something cool, as its name imported, and was served with some. "How fresh and green they look," she said, and put one into her mouth. It was hotter than the curry; flesh and blood could bear it not longer. She laid down her fork. "Water, for Heaven's sake, water!" she cried.
— William Makepeace Thackeray, Vanity Fair, 1848

www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/usage-chili-chilli-chile

I don’t tgink that putting up shelves is a “ basic task”. We have lived in our house for 15 years. There were no wall shelves when we arrived and we haven’t put up anything . So living without wall shelves is quite possible.

I think basics skill are those that need done daily weekly or monthly. So

Tidying

Cleaning

Laundry, repair and maintenance of clothes , shoes and household Iinen

Meal planning, shopping, cooking, washing dishes, clearing up after meals

Clearing out cupboards etc

All aspects of childcare

Household and family admin - paying bills, getting quotes, arranging, supervising and paying trades people , arranging and organising social events, buying birthday and Christmas cards and gifts, arranging and paying for sports events , clubs, outs of school care or clubs, hiring and dealing with cleaners, window cleaners, childminders , nursery

Car admin

Household repairs and maintenance, decorating

Shopping for household items

That’s just a random list off the top of my head . So when women say

“Oh do all that because he just doesn’t see it . But he puts in bins out if I fill them and clean them“

I’m not impressed.

Oh dear. When my DP tries to wriggle out of cooking (not enough time to shop, pick a recipe, blah blah) I suggest dippy egg, beans on toast, bacon sarnies. Something quick and super easy. Start him small. Maybe buy him an easy cookbook for Christmas? My DP really was quite a lazy bastard in the kitchen but a cookery book with loads of quick and easy recipes sorted him out. Now he's the go-to for "proper dinners" whereas I throw random things together and hope for the best!

As for the duvet, my DP used to resist that too then I showed him the starting from inside-out corners trick and now he's a pro and always likes to celebrate his small victory whenever he does it. He does sometimes put them on still inside out - and I haven't for the life of me figured out how he manages not to notice that - but hey.

I get you! When my DH and I first moved in together he was like this and it took a few years to finally get him off his “I can’t do it” track

He is lovely also in many ways - has two things that he can cook with pride and whilst it’s not a great repetoire of cooking skills it’s lovely when he decides to take care of the Sunday roast or make us a quick spag bol.

I managed to get through by treating him jokingly like a kid and he didn’t like it at first, eventually he asked me to stop doing it so I pointedly said “well stop acting like one then” and for us that worked :’)

Something that’s always confused me is how these men managed when they lived alone? I realise not all of them maybe did but surely most adults move out of their parents home before they get married. Who made their dinners and changed their sheets then?

YANBU this would annoy me. He needs to get a simple cook book and learn some basic meals. Or you tube it.

He also needs to google the simple technique for putting on a duvet cover.

My 6 year old can change his duvet cover. He can also cook a pancake. Your DH needs his arse kicked. He can use you tube. His mother should have brought him up better

His mother should have brought him up better

Well yeah - it MUST be his mother's fault because obviously his father had no responsibility for his upbringing at all.

Look at the bigger picture - if you frequently work days like that (and I hope you don’t!) then you cooking isn’t going to work, therefore you (together) need to work out what the plan is.

My DH doesn’t cook. He knows how to (basics like spag bol or a roast) but he has no interest in doing it. He lived on his own for 15 years before we moved in together and he just lived on ready meals. It’s one of the things we talked about before we moved in together. So, yes, I do all the cooking. If I’m not there he sorts himself out (generally by buying a ready meal!). If I’m ill or in the weeks after giving birth we just lived on ready meals.

But he does all the cleaning. And I mean all - tidying up, cleaning up. I haven’t done any at all in the years we’ve lived together. We decided on who does what by looking at everything that needed to be done in order for our family to function and then divided up tasks accordingly. It feels fair in terms of amount of time we each spend. I also feel like I got the better deal in many ways - I enjoy cooking, the creativity, the time in the kitchen listening to a podcast and can make it easier or harder (eg using batch cooked meal from freezer) depending on time and what else is happening. Meanwhile he gets to do the same boring cleaning every week!

If I go away for a night or two I return home to a sparkling clean house and my laundry all done, ironed and folded - he knows I prefer putting it away myself! And he’ll havr already put away his own and DD’s laundry.

The duvet iasue sounds like my hubby. He calaims its a two Man job and shrugs it iff when I point out I usualky do it on my own in a wheelchair with only one arm.