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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The boy that influences the other kid to be naughty and mean :(

415 replies

FroggyLoggy · 26/11/2018 23:51

More a WWYD ... please help :)

So, in reception, DS1 was under the influence of a boy, let's call him Ethan. Ethan and DS1 were constantly in trouble together and DS1 was acting way out of character, being mean to other kids, aggressive etc... (he was never ever like this at nursery and is a lovely lovely boy at home). We knew it was the influence of Ethan, but couldn't keep DS1 away from him. Countless emails and conversations with school, copious amounts of worry, and we came extremely close to removing DS1 from the school simply to get him away from Ethan.

Year 1, fantastic teacher separated them at start of year and DS1 made a HUGE effort to stay away from 'Ethan'. For basically all of year 1, DS1 was his old self again, stayed away from Ethan (who found other boys to influence and get in trouble with) and he had a great, happy, well behaved year 1.

Now year 2, message wasn't relayed to class teacher about the history between DS1 and Ethan, and we just found out DS1 had been placed next to Ethan in most lessons. Friendship has re-kindled and now DS1 is back to being under his influence and already he's started being mean to another kid (which he would NEVER ever think to do if Ethan want there). School have now separated them during classes at my request, but I fear it's too late as they r now friends again.

Please help me! How can I encourage DS1 to stop playing with Ethan. I've tried everything. I fear it will be like the nightmare reception year all over again :( Poor Ethan is only 6, but I really can't stand him and wish he'd moe away/leave the school. I know it's not his fault, it's his home life, but his influence on DS1 is destroying me. I want my old DS1 back again Sad

OP posts:
BumsexAtTheBingo · 27/11/2018 00:39

I think you’d be better off encouraging your child to take responsibility for his own choices and behaviour. If he is separated from this Ethan he could easily get in with another ‘Ethan’.

brittabot · 27/11/2018 00:53

Stop blaming Ethan for your child’s bad behaviour!

KC225 · 27/11/2018 00:55

I agree with the above poster. Work on building your son's confidence to say 'no, I don't want to do that' to Ethan. Work on your son's sense of responsibility make.be the best way to tackle this, especially as he enjoys playing with Ethan.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 27/11/2018 00:57

My parents are still like this with my brother. He's in his fifties but it's still his girlfriend and friends that are leading him astray.

CheshireChat · 27/11/2018 01:28

I'd just make it 100% clear to your DS that whatever he does at school, regardless of whether or not Ethan is involved, is entirely his responsibility and he'll have to face the consequences.

Beansonapost · 27/11/2018 01:48

YABU.

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/11/2018 02:27

"Its not him, he's easily led...."

Would you accept that if it was your DS that being beaten up or picked on by another kids? I suspect not.

Whether he is easily led or not, your child is choosing to do these things and rather than blaming the other kid, ask yourself why. There could be any number of reasons but they need to be found and addressed because there will be other "Ethans", male and female. Frankly, unless you want to be "that" parent, excusing your childs shitty behaviour when he is 50, then you need to get on top of this now.

That means accepting that your son has a choice, and it is not all "Ethan's" fault.

steff13 · 27/11/2018 05:28

I'd just make it 100% clear to your DS that whatever he does at school, regardless of whether or not Ethan is involved, is entirely his responsibility and he'll have to face the consequences.

This is exactly what I'd do. Your son is going to encounter a lot of "bad influences" in his life. He needs to learn early on that he has a choice in how he behaves.

ittakes2 · 27/11/2018 05:32

You need to work out why your son is easily lead into behaving bad. Ethan may move away...but if he meets another Ethan his bad behaviour will continue. Rather than encouraging him to stop playing with Ethan - draw up a list of other boys he likes and focus on building his friendships with them.

MemoryOfSleep · 27/11/2018 05:43

Agree with PP, you're never too young to learn to reject peer pressure. He's got to learn it sometime, preferably before he gets convinced to take drugs etc when he's older. Let him practice saying no on Ethan.

OutPinked · 27/11/2018 06:07

You need to adopt the “would you jump off a cliff if Ethan told you to” mentality. Ethan isn’t to blame for your child’s behaviour. In reception I would have cut him some slack but in year two he is starting to understand and definitely knows better. You will fair better encouraging him to take responsibility for his own actions.

yakari · 27/11/2018 06:24

I agree with everything above - he's old enough to understand actions and consequences- so if he's mean to another kid, he should be made to apologise and make amends and take the appropriate punishment dependent on the offence. Ethan is a distraction, but if your DS suffers the consequences of doing what Ethan says/does, he'll learn it's not a good idea.
Ethan isn't going anywhere so better to deal with it now and get DS to learn himself to walk away than in older years or secondary when 'mean' can be a hell of a lot worse.

Takemetovegas · 27/11/2018 06:29

There will always be an "Ethan" somewhere. Work on your child and his behaviour. If you do it right you won't have a problem with all the other "Ethan's" he comes across.

FWIW my DS was easily led. I think he really likes the excitement of the naughtier children and they are usually v funny. He's grown out of it.... for now.

BertramKibbler · 27/11/2018 06:32

You need to work on your own child’s character. He needs to learn to reject peer pressure and he needs to learn that he can’t get away with being unkind to other children. I worry a bit that you’re excusing his behaviour because ‘it’s all Ethan’s fault’ when actually, no one is making your son be mean. He’s the one being mean.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 27/11/2018 06:38

Yes Op if your son is "easily led" (the excuse of weak, indulgent parents everywhere) then you need to work on that. Why does he apparently fall under the thrall of other dc? Where is DSs empathy, his own sense of right and wrong, his understanding of consequences? Those are what you need to work on, instead you're choosing to see him as a victim of another child.

By all means ask the school to separate them if they bring out the worst in each other but please don't be the parent who can't see their own child's behaviour for what it is.

LilMy33 · 27/11/2018 06:39

As others have said you need to encourage your son to think for himself and take responsibility for his own behaviour. Stop blaming the other 6 year old child and start looking at improving your own child’s behaviour. He needs consequences not excuses.

WhirlwindHugs · 27/11/2018 06:47

I'm with everyone else, there's an Ethan in our life. It's much better to make it clear to your kid that they have to make their own decision about whether X is a good idea and that if they do the wrong thing they will be told off/punished whether Ethan is involved or not.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 27/11/2018 06:51

Although it is a hard lesson to learn and difficult to teach it is much better in teenage years to be able to say no, but in teenage years he won't want to learn any of the lessons you have to offer.

Secondary school won't care that someone told your ds to do something. The police won't care that he was just looking after the drugs for Ethan. The courts won't care that he stole something because Ethan told him to.

At 6 you have a chance to get to the bottom of this. Build up his self-esteem. Build up his ability to resist. Build up his sense of right and wrong. Teach him strategies to use, words to use to resist. Make it clear that the punishment isn't worth it.

Blanchedupetitpois · 27/11/2018 06:51

You have to teach your child to stand up for himself and do what’s right. There will always be a mean kid for him to follow the lead of. He has to learn that bullying is bullying, whether he’s the instigator or not.

CloserIAm2Fine · 27/11/2018 06:58

YABU

Stop minimising and blaming another child for your sons behaviour. He is choosing to do these things. You and he need to take responsibility for his behaviour and address it with him. Not just stay away from “nasty Ethan”) but actually address why your son is choosing to behave badly.

NonaGrey · 27/11/2018 07:01

He’s six years old. He is old enough (and tbh was old enough in reception too) to understand that he is responsible for his own choices and his own actions.

You need to stop making “Ethan told me too” an acceptable excuse.

It’s less about staying away from
Ethan and more about your DS making good choices.

Because if Ethan. An influence your DS then the way is also open for your DS to influence Ethan.

You need to start holding your DS accountable.

You need to start giving him strategies for saying “no” to his friend.

You need to start getting him to consider the impact of his actions in other.

You need to stop blaming Ethan, your son is bullying other children.

Nutkins24 · 27/11/2018 07:03

I wonder what Ethan’s parents take on the situation would be?

LIZS · 27/11/2018 07:06

I wonder if Ethan's parents think the same of your ds. Agree with others. He needs to understand that whether watching, encouraging or participating in bad behaviour it is just as bad but something he can choose not to be involved in. Excusing it as being easily led is a slippery slope.

Claw001 · 27/11/2018 07:07

YABU is there a reason why your son is easily lead?

youarenotkiddingme · 27/11/2018 07:10

Ethan is not responsible for your ds choices.
The sooner you teach your ds this the better his future will look.

Currently your ds knows he can behave unkindly and you'll blame Ethan.

Perhaps if you come down like a ton of bricks on your ds for his behaviour he'll have some sort of motivation to stop?