The boy that influences the other kid to be naughty and mean :(

[FroggyLoggy]

More a WWYD ... please help :)

So, in reception, DS1 was under the influence of a boy, let's call him Ethan. Ethan and DS1 were constantly in trouble together and DS1 was acting way out of character, being mean to other kids, aggressive etc... (he was never ever like this at nursery and is a lovely lovely boy at home). We knew it was the influence of Ethan, but couldn't keep DS1 away from him. Countless emails and conversations with school, copious amounts of worry, and we came extremely close to removing DS1 from the school simply to get him away from Ethan.

Year 1, fantastic teacher separated them at start of year and DS1 made a HUGE effort to stay away from 'Ethan'. For basically all of year 1, DS1 was his old self again, stayed away from Ethan (who found other boys to influence and get in trouble with) and he had a great, happy, well behaved year 1.

Now year 2, message wasn't relayed to class teacher about the history between DS1 and Ethan, and we just found out DS1 had been placed next to Ethan in most lessons. Friendship has re-kindled and now DS1 is back to being under his influence and already he's started being mean to another kid (which he would NEVER ever think to do if Ethan want there). School have now separated them during classes at my request, but I fear it's too late as they r now friends again.

Please help me! How can I encourage DS1 to stop playing with Ethan. I've tried everything. I fear it will be like the nightmare reception year all over again :( Poor Ethan is only 6, but I really can't stand him and wish he'd moe away/leave the school. I know it's not his fault, it's his home life, but his influence on DS1 is destroying me. I want my old DS1 back again

I think you've spent so much time trying to manage Ethan, you've lost sight of what is actually going on. Your son is choosing to be mean and nasty to others. The 'Ethan made me do it' line is an excuse to avoid responsibility for his actions. Yes kids can be influenced but as pp said he needs to learn strategies for not being pulled into bad behaviour.

I can imagine this thread has been very hard to read for you but there is some good advice from pp.

Work on your DS. If you somehow get to ditch this Ethan then there will be another just around the corner. Far better to equip your DS with the tools to deal with Ethan’s in general.

There was a boy like your ds in my ds' class. First 2 years of school, his best friend was a lovely boy who was a good influence on him. Then an ethan arrived and became a bad influence on him. The two of them proceeded to bully various children, including my ds, for years. The boy's parents took the same attitude as you. He was being led astray. He's a nice boy at heart etc etc.

But do you kniw what, the reality was, the boy was a little shit who grew up to be a big shit. He's an adult now and still takes no responsibility for his behaviour.

Yes, it's difficult if your child is easily led (I have one like that). But you need to take responsibility for ensuring your child knows right from wrong and suffers the consequences for his bad choices. Because that's what they are: his choices. Nobody is making him bully other children. He is choosing to do it.

If your ds is nothing like Ethan, he can influence him to be good, rather than Ethan influencing him.

The problem is who your child is choosing to be friends with.

Its his choice to hang with Ethan. You need to do a lot of work on 'how to chose a good friend' and 'how to take responsibility for your actions'.

At the moment you're blaming Ethan for everything with your son being a victim. He's not. He's part of the problem and it won't change until your attitude does.

But Tawdry wisdom and insight don’t magically appear overnight with age

But don't we get wiser as we age? I wouldn't rely on a six year old not to play with matches or choose vegetables instead of ice cream, or switch off the iPad after 10 minutes. We put the matches out of reach, insist on the vegetables, and remove the iPad, until they are old enough to have some judgement. I can think of children and families that I would keep DS away from, because nothing good would come of time spent with them, and asking DS to fully understand why at this stage is tricky.

Also, I wasn't an eye rolly child, but "if Emma jumped off a cliff, would you?" never made me do anything but roll my eyes.

Oh gosh! Thanks for the bashing ! I completely get what everyone has said, and I know DS has to take responsibility! And believe me, when I hear he has misbehaved at school we sit down and discuss it and I iterate it's not acceptable etc.. But I am lost what to do. In reception we tried EVERYTHING with him, role plays, reading books about peer pressure and not responding to it, encouraging him to take responsibility through star charts, everything!

In year 1 he made a MASSIVE effort to behave nicely and resist Ethan. They were still in the same class, but teacher assisted by not sitting them next to each other. I couldn't have been prouder of DS's efforts in year 1, he was his normal self and super good all year! and I thought we were passed all this.

Now the playing with Ethan and getting in trouble has resumed I just don't know what to do. I have gone back to reading the books about peer pressure again with him, role played with him last night etc...

It's so hard because he is so good at home, is in a swim club 3 times a week - he's only 7 but is considered mature enough and well behaved enough to be in club with the older boys etc... I have no probs with him at weekends etc...

I am posting because I have no idea what to do. I am all out of role play, books, discussions, behaviour charts etc.. I understand the people saying 'step up and parent and get him to take responsibility', but I honestly don't know what else to do!

I am desperate, so if you have any advice regarding how I can get DS to take responsibility and to distance himself from Ethan, I honestly do want to hear it as I am so sad :(

To the question 'is there a reason he is easily led?' - the answer is I don't know! He's not led by anyone else, only Ethan, and I feel so helpless

I spent most of secondary school under the influence of an 'Ethan' - I just desperately wanted to fit in and be liked, 'Ethan' was considered cool. Looking back, I'm pretty sure my 'Ethan' thought it was hilarious to get me into trouble. My parents put all their energy into trying to keep me away from 'that Ethan', but this just made me want to rebel and hang out with 'Ethan' even more. I wish they had focused on building up my confidence or perhaps distracting me with something positive so I didn't feel like I needed 'Ethan'. I was a nice kid (and am a nice adult), but was easily led because I was low on confidence - I wish I had been stronger minded when I was younger, I am much happier in my skin now.

Maybe stop with the role playing and behaviour charts and start punishing him when he's being horrible to other children?

No one's bashing. You just need to teach your child what's right and wrong, and he needs to learn to step away from someone who is doing something wrong.

Assuming your son has no SEN and is capable of understanding his action. I have zero tolerance for bullying with my children.

He bully someone, you go to your room, stay there until you can tell me why it is wrong!

Have a chat about the victim feels and how you would like it done to you!

Chats about what qualities make a good/bad friend.

And don’t bloody go around bullying people or you will be back in your room!

As has been said, Why are you punishing him? All the sitting down and talking doesn’t seem to be working.

So. You behaved badly at school you did x y z therefore no swimming tonight. No tv. No tablet. Whatever is your punishment.

Strong voice, kneel down. At his level. Severely tick him off.

Why aren’t you.

Sorry. Phone.

Your reading and role playing is having sod all effect. He obviously doesn’t give a toss about your star charts.

So I would take a two pronged approach; sit DS down and tell him straight that his bad behaviour has to stop, his naughtiness is not acceptable and that he has a choice. His choice is that he behaves or the punishments are going to get harsher.

And then you follow through.

Next time he is naughty at school, hit the roof and stop him doing something he likes for time. It could be a week or a day. Or it could be stopping him going to swimming club. You may have to tell him that if he’a Not old enough to be nice to the other kids in his class, he’s not old enough to hang out with the big kids at swim club.

But always leave the door open for him to apologise. Tell him you will help him stand up to temptation, and that you have got his back.

It’s loving boundaries.

Irvineone... that's what the teacher this year thought and that's why she sat them next to each other without knowing the history, but it didn't go according to plan :(

I've suggested to DS to try and influence Ethan to behave nicely but he says 'it's impossible mummy'

You haven’t had a bashing. This is AIBU on mumsnet/ you’d know if you had!

It’s all very well reading books and doing role play but that hasn’t worked. Have you tried actually punishing your child when he’s mean to other children? Would repercussions not work? The books and the role play sound quite fun really. Your son is mean to someone and gets a spoken to by mummy, reads a book together and plays a game. He’s done something he shouldn’t have and is rewarded with mummy’s undivided attention.

Well, as the ‘softly softly’ approach obviously isn’t working how about trying, you know, actually punishing him? I guarantee the other 28 families in the class are hoping that you DO move to another school. Teach your child to behave appropriately and punish him when he is mean to other children ffs. You are totally blaming the other boy but it is YOUR son doing this too. Time to step up and be a parent OP.

She can sit them together. This isn’t on her. It’s on your DS to behave.

He can’t make Ethan behave nicely just as Ethan can’t make him behave badly.

I would stop whatever he loves the most every single time he misbehaves. And punish him consistently and fairly strongly every time.

It’s not your sons responsibility to get Ethan to behave, it’s his responsibility to behave himself!

Tell your son what the consequences will be if he doesn’t. Then if he doesn’t behave, follow through.

Talking about good and bad choices is fine but try giving him some consequences for his actions. He's 7, not 3.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I don't think I've explained myself very well on here! I will try to be a little harsher, but he's basically a good kid (yes, his is true!) so he doesn't need much 'punishment', and when he does do wrong I always discuss with him how unacceptable it is. He always feels bad as it's not his character. He knows it's not nice to be mean and I don't like making him feel worse than he already does. He had a great year 1, while Ethan found someone else to lead astray. I can't believe we r back at this point again :(

I think I'll slink off and find comfort in a coffee... as reading the thread is only making me feel more helpless and useless! :(

He does need punishment. If he didn’t he wouldn’t be misbehaving.

I know it's hard to accept, but even he is a good child at home, he isn't a good child at school. If you can accept that and try to work on it accordingly, it will make a difference.
I am sure a lot of us experienced similar. No one is judging you or bashing you.

Do you think he may have difficulties making friends so playing with Ethan is the easy option?