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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The boy that influences the other kid to be naughty and mean :(

415 replies

FroggyLoggy · 26/11/2018 23:51

More a WWYD ... please help :)

So, in reception, DS1 was under the influence of a boy, let's call him Ethan. Ethan and DS1 were constantly in trouble together and DS1 was acting way out of character, being mean to other kids, aggressive etc... (he was never ever like this at nursery and is a lovely lovely boy at home). We knew it was the influence of Ethan, but couldn't keep DS1 away from him. Countless emails and conversations with school, copious amounts of worry, and we came extremely close to removing DS1 from the school simply to get him away from Ethan.

Year 1, fantastic teacher separated them at start of year and DS1 made a HUGE effort to stay away from 'Ethan'. For basically all of year 1, DS1 was his old self again, stayed away from Ethan (who found other boys to influence and get in trouble with) and he had a great, happy, well behaved year 1.

Now year 2, message wasn't relayed to class teacher about the history between DS1 and Ethan, and we just found out DS1 had been placed next to Ethan in most lessons. Friendship has re-kindled and now DS1 is back to being under his influence and already he's started being mean to another kid (which he would NEVER ever think to do if Ethan want there). School have now separated them during classes at my request, but I fear it's too late as they r now friends again.

Please help me! How can I encourage DS1 to stop playing with Ethan. I've tried everything. I fear it will be like the nightmare reception year all over again :( Poor Ethan is only 6, but I really can't stand him and wish he'd moe away/leave the school. I know it's not his fault, it's his home life, but his influence on DS1 is destroying me. I want my old DS1 back again Sad

OP posts:
tempester28 · 27/11/2018 07:22

You need to teach him not to be lead into bad behaviour because throughout the his life their will be a string of Ethans

PumpkinPie2016 · 27/11/2018 07:23

You need to address this with your son. By all means ask that they are separated in class but your son needs to know that he cannot behave badly just because someone else does.

My son is only in reception and there is another boy in his class who has a habit of pulling other kids around, screaming in their faces, pushing etc. His parents do absolutely nothing about it - just sit there going 'oh bless, he's a bit boisterous' err no he's not - he's badly behaved!

I took DS to a party the other week when this child was behaving like this. I watched him really pulling on my son's jumper and my son asking him to stop. Again his parents did nothing - so I ended up getting up and saying 'please don't pull his jumper' and suggested to DS he play with someone else. Other child's parents still did nothing Angry that annoyed me far more than anything else - kids are kids but parents need to step in when they are behaving inappropriately.

crimsonlake · 27/11/2018 07:28

You cannot control the behaviour of another person, but your son can control his own behaviour. Explain this to him.

Mumtoboy123 · 27/11/2018 07:29

Not your fault op but this sounds like classic 1st child excusing to me. Of course, in your eyes your son can do no wrong. However, youre not there when 'ethan' 'tells' him to do something so really you have no idea if its ethans influence or not. Yes, the clues point that way but you'll never actually know. Like pp's have said, you need to teach your son to take responsibility for his own actions. Otherwise it could just continue into later life. My parents still think DB can do no wrong, despite doing a lot of legally and morally wrong things.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/11/2018 07:29

I think you should get your ds involved in some after school activities outside of his friendship group, perhaps where he has to have discipline for something. I’m thinking perhaps not football - although he could do that as well - because it tends to be a lot of the boys from school. Idk what your budget is and his interests are. Perhaps something physical to run it out like martial arts, horse riding, rugby, beavers etc. A teacher can be a great role model and if he find more sensible friends, perhaps he will be less attracted to silly ones.

You also play a part in talking to your ds. A lot. Talk about how ‘we’ behave as a family. And yes, about jumping off a cliff as a pp suggested. Perhaps have regular catch ups with the teacher to see if your ds is improving at school. He’s so little that I’m not sure I’d not want to extend school behaviour to sticker charts at home just yet. Perhaps an option for later.

twoheaped · 27/11/2018 07:32

Tell your ds not to be a sheep!
And stop blaming Ethan and start blaming your ds for being weak enough to follow his lead.

continuallychargingmyphone · 27/11/2018 07:33

You know Ethan’s parents will hold your son responsible for Ethan’s bad behaviour, don’t you?

BarbarianMum · 27/11/2018 07:36

One thing I taught my kids very early on - the only one responsible for their behaviour is them. If they get into trouble, they get the consequences (at home and at school) . I dont csre if the whole class is dancing on the desks, I expect my kids to behave.

Just hold your ds accountable for his actions. Really its very simple.

Silkie2 · 27/11/2018 07:38

Is DS old enough to be horrified at the thought of moving schools? Suggesting that you might move him if he hurts others might be enough to fix it.

EtVoilaBrexit · 27/11/2018 07:38

I agree about teaching your ds to NOT do silly things and to stand up to Ethan.

However, he is also still little and clearly it’s not good for him (or I suspect most other children) to be sat next to Ethan all the time.
So I wouod have a chat with the teacher about the dynamics involved and see if she can move your ds/Ethan somewhere else at least some of the time.

You can also work on fostering other friendship so that he has other friends he wants to spend time with at break time.

Basically, don’t remove responsibility for his behaviour but do help him find ways to deal with Ethan and his ‘attractive’ playing/bad behaviour

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 27/11/2018 07:41

OP I don't fully agree with other posters here. Some children are followers (from a young age) and some children are trouble (from a young age), and if your son is a follower you are wise to recognise this and try to move him away from obvious trouble until he is old enough to have more insight into the situation.

Ultimately, short of moving schools, all you can do is talk plainly to the teacher, talk to your son about the behaviour HE has been showing and what he thinks of that, and foster other friendships. But I don't necessarily think you are in denial about the nature of the problem.

Allthewaves · 27/11/2018 07:41

As I tell my children
"you have your own brain and make your own decisions"

It's nearly impossible for teachers to separate children all the time. You need to start teaching your son he can make his own decisions

Returnofthesmileybar · 27/11/2018 07:44

Forget Ethan. To be honest I think (if this thread is anything to go by) you are a lot to blame for this yourself. I bet your ds has picked on the "it's all Ethan not my child" attitude, sur you've given him a get out of jail free card, stop it, it's not Ethan it's your son, stop blaming Ethan and deal with the nasty streak in your own son. Of you do that now and stop being one those "not my child" parents you might have some hope of nipping it in the bud

AlexaShutUp · 27/11/2018 07:45

Agree with everyone else tbh. In blaming Ethan, you are effectively making excuses for your son's poor behaviour. Ultimately, he is responsible for his actions, and not anybody else. Yes, there might be negative influences from other children, but your son is choosing to behave in this way. He could choose not to.

If I were you, I would be having lots of conversations about personal responsibility and understanding the difference between right and wrong, and I'd be trying really hard to build his own self confidence and his empathy for others.

He is only six, so he can very easily get out of this pattern, but first, you probably need to accept that he is responsible for what is happening so that you can help him to understand and accept that responsibility himself.

MaisyPops · 27/11/2018 07:53

I agree with other posters. You've taught him he has a get out of jail free card by saying 'but Ethan made me...'

He needs to take some responsibility, behave and be kind to others.

If you don't nip it in the bud early you'll have a secondary aged child who knows they have to take zero responsibility for their actions because Danny told me... Sam was distracting me... I didn't do my work because the teacher sat me near Matilda and she doesn't help me... the teacher sat me near Adam and he talks to me... the teacher was unfair to DS... It's unfair I got a detention for breaking a rule because literally the whole class was doing it and the teacher picks on me.

You can tell which teenagers had a parent with the 'Ethan card' and haven't been told to take some responsibility.

Kickassbitch · 27/11/2018 07:55

I agree with other posters as my son was like your's op, I have always used the approach that he needs to decide if he is going to go along with the same naughty behaviour or not, if he does, there will be consequences. There are always going to be people in your sons life who wont do him any favours he needs to learn how to recognise this and decide for himself not to get involved.
My son is 11 now and there have been a few occasions over the last few years where he has been hanging around kids like that and has wisely decided to take a step back and keep out of trouble when it's flared up and I've been proud of him doing that on his own.
Please do him a favour and teach him how to make wise decisions or you will be forever trying to keep him away from undesirables with him unable to deal with it himself.

NonaGrey · 27/11/2018 07:57

try to move him away from obvious trouble until he is old enough to have more insight into the situation

But Tawdry wisdom and insight don’t magically appear overnight with age.

You have to actively develop them with your child.

Discussion of decision making, consideration of people’s feelings, encouraging empathy, demonstration of how to risk assess, perhaps use of role play to practice saying no etc

Most important of all holding your child 100% accountable for all their own actions, all the time.

anniehm · 27/11/2018 08:00

In reception your son was still too young to really understand what he was doing but he is now old enough to take responsibility for his own actions - there's always going to be bad influences so he needs to be taught to ignore them. Won't be easy for you but you need to take a strong line with this in partnership with the school and if needed punish your son for what he does

Basecamp65 · 27/11/2018 08:06

I think Ethans mum was on here yesterday blaming your child.

Very simple solution - tell your child if he gets into trouble at school/Home where ever you may be cross but you will deal with it.

If he gets into trouble anywhere and says it was someone else telling him to or everyone was doing it then you will be utterly furious and disgusted with him - 100 times more angry for being weak willed and not taking responsibility than you would be for him choosing to do something naughty.

This simply takes away the option for your child to hide behind blaming others and makes him take full responsibility for his own actions

As others have said you will reap the benefits when he is a teenager.

Blueblueyellow · 27/11/2018 08:07

Op you are getting some good advice here and I'd say hard to take as well.Like a pp said would you be happy with the excuse, my son is easily lead,he's not really like that, if he was the one being bullied?You should think of it like that.

Coyoacan · 27/11/2018 08:10

But Tawdry wisdom and insight don’t magically appear overnight with age

What wisdom there is on mumsnet. You need to find a way of teaching your son to not be easily led before he reaches teenage years, when the easily led children get into really serious messes.

Innocentconglomeration · 27/11/2018 08:11

Your child is responsible for his own behaviour. Stop minimising and excusing.

Because Ethan told me to is just pathetic and needs come down on like a ton of bricks.

My mother did it with my brother. It hasn’t helped him.

Believeitornot · 27/11/2018 08:13

Yabu for thinking that this is all on “Ethan”.

Speak to the school about separating them. But take responsibility for the fact that your ds is misbehaving. He knows the rules!!

listentomerightso · 27/11/2018 08:13

OP
I will be more gentle with you than all the other posters on here.

Some kids can be more easily led than others, I have a niece 1 who is very confident and clear about what is right and wrong and has always stayed clear of trouble, while another niece, niece 2, who’s less assertive and confident but wants to look cool used to be easily led astray. My sister had to work on her confidence to say no. Dear sister said to me that since she couldn’t change other people... she could only work on giving her daughter tips on recognising bad behaviour and the reasons why niece 2 was going with bad crowd. It was a long hard slog but when niece 2 was a teen she admitted that she wanted to be cool and associated being cool with risky and bad behaviour and she got a kick out of it.
They discussed long and short term coolness and how getting a conviction for assaulting people under the influence of weed / alcohol could ruin her life for ever.

Niece 2 is now 18 and doing quite well. But if I had a pound for all the times she has been told : “if they asked you to jump off a bridge would you do it? “ I would be a millionaire 😬

You need to work on your son.... not on removing him from Ethan!

Snowwontbelong · 27/11/2018 08:13

Invite him for tea. Be a helicopter dm and pull him up on anything you don't like. Once he sees your house has rules and your ds obeys he will likely drop ds anyway.
There was an Ethan in ds's class. He left and ds is a transformed student.