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AIBU?

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Original poster

The boy that influences the other kid to be naughty and mean :(

415 replies

FroggyLoggy · 26/11/2018 23:51

More a WWYD ... please help :)

So, in reception, DS1 was under the influence of a boy, let's call him Ethan. Ethan and DS1 were constantly in trouble together and DS1 was acting way out of character, being mean to other kids, aggressive etc... (he was never ever like this at nursery and is a lovely lovely boy at home). We knew it was the influence of Ethan, but couldn't keep DS1 away from him. Countless emails and conversations with school, copious amounts of worry, and we came extremely close to removing DS1 from the school simply to get him away from Ethan.

Year 1, fantastic teacher separated them at start of year and DS1 made a HUGE effort to stay away from 'Ethan'. For basically all of year 1, DS1 was his old self again, stayed away from Ethan (who found other boys to influence and get in trouble with) and he had a great, happy, well behaved year 1.

Now year 2, message wasn't relayed to class teacher about the history between DS1 and Ethan, and we just found out DS1 had been placed next to Ethan in most lessons. Friendship has re-kindled and now DS1 is back to being under his influence and already he's started being mean to another kid (which he would NEVER ever think to do if Ethan want there). School have now separated them during classes at my request, but I fear it's too late as they r now friends again.

Please help me! How can I encourage DS1 to stop playing with Ethan. I've tried everything. I fear it will be like the nightmare reception year all over again :( Poor Ethan is only 6, but I really can't stand him and wish he'd moe away/leave the school. I know it's not his fault, it's his home life, but his influence on DS1 is destroying me. I want my old DS1 back again Sad

OP posts:
Aspergallus · 27/11/2018 10:13

OP, google “locus of control”.

By blaming this kid you are setting up a lifetime of blaming others/circumstances (external locus of control). You have an opportunity with every Ethan that comes along to help your son develop an much healthier internal locus of control.

The fact that you see things this way suggests your LOC is skewed externally too -not a great example.

NonaGrey · 27/11/2018 10:15

And I will try and blame Ethan less in front of DS

That is your problem right there Froggy.

IStandWithPosie · 27/11/2018 10:15

My son (who has SEN) was being bullied by a “not my fault” child. It was hell. The parents took no responsibility and my son was getting in trouble for reacting. So they spread the news that is was my son who was starting it. I saw this child in action. He knew exactly what to do and what to say to get the reaction from DS and then get away with it. We had to move schools.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 27/11/2018 10:20

Froggy Can I suggest when speaking to DS about this you put a lot more focus on how other children feel when they are on the receiving end of his nastiness or aggression (your words)? You'll probably say you do and you probably believe that but think about it: you've seen the problem as Ethan so most of your discussion, role play and reward charts will obviously have been built around DS and Ethan.

I think you need to concentrate DS on how it makes feel, what conversations does he think they might be having with their mum about this.

None of us actually want to make our child feel guilty or ashamed but honestly those are valid feelings and they are often the appropriate feelings when we've behaved badly towards other people. He doesn't have to keep feeling that way, the next question is 'well what do you think you can do differently' and take it from there.

MarysInTheDyson · 27/11/2018 10:20

Ethan wouldn't be able to make your son be mean and aggressive if that wasn't already a side to his personality. If your son didn't have that side to his personality he wouldn't want to hang out with Ethan and would avoid him. He joins in because he has that side to his personality. It's good that he managed to keep that side down in year 1, but i agree you need to get tough and not excuse it as because the teacher sat him with Ethan

sonandhelpneeded · 27/11/2018 10:21

But as a parent, my main concern right now is my own son, and in parent role, I just wish Ethan wasn't in he picture).

Make another main concern the welfare of the child your son is bullying!!!

LilMy33 · 27/11/2018 10:25

Just seen that you try to not blame Ethan in front of your son as much.

Unless you take some responsibility yourself and make your son do the same it will be your child other parents tell their children to avoid because your child is so mean and naughty all the time.

EtVoilaBrexit · 27/11/2018 10:33

Hmm... where in this thread is the OP saying that her dc is bullying other children?
She is talking about misbehaving etc... not about bullying.

Tbh I would doubt a teacher would put together two children who would thrive on bullying others together.
I suspect the misbehaviour is more about not behaving properly in class, not sharing and what not. Basically all the stuff that happens in a playground with youn children (and there is A LOT that can happen).

Lovemusic33 · 27/11/2018 10:33

I think it’s a life lesson that all kids have to go through, there will be a Ethen in every class and in every group of friends but it’s your son who needs to decide if he wants to be a follower of bad behaviour or if he’s going to be his own person, he needs to learn to take responsibility for his actions and not blame them on Ethan, chances are Ethan’s parents are blaming your ds for his behaviour too when in fact the only person responsible for his behaviour is him (same as your ds).

EtVoilaBrexit · 27/11/2018 10:36

Ethan wouldn't be able to make your son be mean and aggressive if that wasn't already a side to his personality.

Blocks to that.
If you assume that been aggressive and mean is part of his personality, then you assume he will always be aggressive and there is not a lot you can do about that.

Children and adults ALL have a potential for aggressivity. It’s not a personality issue. It’s been human.
But that doesn’t mean it can’t be worked on or that it can be tolerated.
Making that child looking like the worst person in the worl isn’t going to help him when his main issue is to have enough self confidence to say NO to his friend.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 27/11/2018 10:37

EtVoila in her very first post the op describes him being mean to other kids and aggressive. Are you suggesting that because Op doesn't call it bullying we shouldn't?

user789653241 · 27/11/2018 10:38

OP, one of my ds's good friend used to be a trouble maker in ks1.
One of his other friend's mum used to tell me that her son told her that he stays away from this boy because he is so badly behaved.

Fast forward few years, the same child has turned around. He was selected for school council, chosen for many achievement, well liked and respected by others including parents by yr3. I don't know what changed him, but parents have done a great job, I assume.

NonaGrey · 27/11/2018 10:39

EtVoila in the OP.

To be fair to the OP she hasn’t challenged the characterisation of his behaviour as bullying.

Oblomov18 · 27/11/2018 10:43

Reading OP's dismissive posts is really hard. She needs to take responsibility, get ds to take responsibility.

MarysInTheDyson · 27/11/2018 10:44

Blocks to that Oh dear, that told me! Grin

She is talking about misbehaving etc... not about bullying.

Blocks to that.Wink Op wrote

DS1 was acting way out of character, being mean to other kids, aggressive etc...
DS1 is back to being under his influence and already he's started being mean to another kid

Did you not read what the op wrote at all? Confused

Ebony0 · 27/11/2018 10:46

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MarysInTheDyson · 27/11/2018 10:48

If you assume that been aggressive and mean is part of his personality, then you assume he will always be aggressive and there is not a lot you can do about that
No, people are saying the opposite, that if op blames the teacher and the boy but not her son he won't take responsibility for changing and that the op needs to place the responsibility on him for his own behaviour if he's to change.

obligations · 27/11/2018 10:49

'We knew it was the influence of Ethan'
'which he would NEVER ever think to do if Ethan want there'

Oh really?! Take responsibility, teach your child to take responsibility. Your lack of concern for the children your child has been bullying speaks volumes. Get your act together and grow up.

Orchidflower1 · 27/11/2018 10:56

We can’t change other people’s behaviour but you can change how you react to it- that’s what you you be telling your ds. He has choices as I and many many others have said. He may still be a baby in your eyes( he always will be and that’s ok) but he has to act and behave and choose like s kind 7 year old will do. If he doesn’t now how will he when he’s older. Sanctions need to be imposed when he doesn’t follow the rules and rewards followed through ONLY when he does. Not seeing your dc through rose tinted spectacles is a parenting tool not to be ignored.

Perfectpanda11 · 27/11/2018 10:58

*You are actually modelling the exact same behaviour you want him to stop with Ethan

I can't do anything. It's not my fault. I can't change this. Oh woe is me I feel terrible but what can I do.

No wonder that's how he behaves with Ethan.*

This, to a T. Bad kid, good kid, he is behaving badly. Take Ethan out of the equation. Your DS needs to be responsible for his own behaviour!

DerRosenkavelier · 27/11/2018 11:09

A cautionary tale for you; there was a boy in my DS1’s class who was a bit mean and a bully, not the worst, just unkind. He had a wet lettuce of a parent who was always making excuses for him. (He was spirited, and a lovely boy at home...)

Fast forward to now. He’s in Y8 and he’s fucking horrible to other children. He is dragged into be disciplined by senior members of staff and he get really upset. His parents are still maintaining that all that is happening is that he is falling out with a series of other children, and that there is ‘fault in both sides’.

Weak parenting has done this kid no favours as he is widely disliked by parents, teachers, and other children. I strongly suspect that if he had been shown that being mean to other children was not acceptable he would be a much happier child.

Still, carry on with role playing and not blaming Ethan ‘as much’.

Pearson8 · 27/11/2018 11:10

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differentnameforthis · 27/11/2018 11:13

He has a choice, op. It clearly is his character, otherwise he would stop and not pick up where he left off just because the teacher sits them together.

I promised my daughters that I would not allow them to be bullied, and at the same time, I would allow them to bully anyone. The first (and yes, only) time my youngest did something to another child I was furious. She was 6. I waited for her, and made her stay with me until the parents of the other child arrived. I made her apologise to the child and to the parents, explained that she had not been raised that way, and she wouldn't do it again.

And she didn't! And this year when she became friends with a girl who was pretty much the year bully, she pulled back on the friendship because of her actions. Telling her that she wasn't nice, and she didn't like her anymore. My daughter wanted to be good, she didn't want to hurt others, so she doesn't!

mirialis · 27/11/2018 11:14

Jeez... poor Ethan. Sad

Missingstreetlife · 27/11/2018 11:17

Make your child apologise to anyone he has been nasty to.
Do the same every time in future. If that doesn't help, stop him going to football. Wise up.