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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

DP letting DD go near his genital area

211 replies

BlueRose28 · 26/11/2018 12:15

I feel really bad for making a thing out of this and I know I'm probably making a mountain out of a molehill. Best be safe than sorry though.

I have been with DP for 2 years and DD was conceived within 2 months of me dating him, and within 1 year of me knowing him. I got pregnant due to a contraceptive fail.

DD always runs to DP with open arms and DP is very guilty of 'man-spreading'. Sometimes her head lands in his genital area and he will make no effort to remove her head. I've quickly had to move my hand in front of her face before because she was going in to kiss his genital area and DP (fully aware of what DD was doing) made no effort to remove her or lift her up so she could kiss his face.

When I speak to him about it and I say it's really not appropriate to let DD go near his genitals with her hands or face, he just shrugs it off and jokes around. He jokes about the size of his manhood saying 'well I don't have much there anyway'.

Am I right in being concerned or am I really making a mountain out of a molehill? Not exactly the type of stuff I want to post on Mumsnet but I can't stop worrying about this.

OP posts:
PipGoesPop · 26/11/2018 21:53

Nothing wrong with walking round in your pants BUT any beeline for the genital area would be swiftly dodged by any man in that situation as a natural reaction. Correct me if I'm wrong those of you with a penis.

Original poster
BlueRose28 · 26/11/2018 21:53

Sorry I have half rewrote the same comment, it said it didn't load so I rewrote it only to find it did load

OP posts:
Weightsandmeasures · 26/11/2018 21:54

BlueRose, I'm sorry that you have been a victim of sexual abuse. I appreciate that this is a sensitive issue for you but please do not presume that you have some inalienable right to dictate whether I comment on a thread or not. You may not agree or like my views on the matter but presumably you posted on here to get a sense of different views. I have not insulted you or go against MN code of conduct.

You clearly think something is amiss with your DP and nothing anyone says will make you entertain otherwise. Best of luck.

PipGoesPop · 26/11/2018 21:54

Btw OP you're not over reacting you're safeguarding your child.

eightoclock · 26/11/2018 22:08

If he's got a weight problem bad enough that he can't bend down to kiss her face, his tummy is probably hanging over the genitals anyway so the child probably isn't anywhere near them.
He still should wear shorts and move her face away though. Agree with pp - turn the heating down.

Vicky1990 · 26/11/2018 22:17

Do you let her go near your genitals?.

Brazenhussy0 · 26/11/2018 22:36

See your experiences as an advantage in being able to keep your DD safe rather than something you should use to distrust your perceptions. This has happened to you. You know what is and isn't right.

This^ was said earlier in the thread and really needs repeating.

I was abused in childhood too, OP. We know what’s right and what’s wrong because we’ve lived it.
Really disappointed at how many naive and/or willfully blind fools there are on this thread trying to gaslight you into mistrusting your instincts. Ignore them.

Coolaschmoola · 26/11/2018 22:37

You've said she's 'gone to kiss his genitals' three times, and each time you've stopped her.

So are you saying she's never actually done it, ie kissed his boxer shorts? Because there are an awful lot of people on this thread who seem to think she has actively kissed his boxer shorts, and he hasn't stopped her.

If she's just gone to do it, and you've jumped in, he probably doesn't have a grasp on the fact that she would have. If so, if she did make contact he'd probably jump six foot.

'Going to' and actually doing something are very different things.

Coolaschmoola · 26/11/2018 22:39

Also, if you are jumping in, you have no idea what he would do, you could be mistrusting him, and jumping in before he gets chance to deal with the situation, thus creating more mistrust.

Dotty1970 · 26/11/2018 22:41

Ignore the complete pricks that say its fine. Seriously, it's astounding! Angry
Its not OK.
My dp always gently steered them away from his crotch area, she needs to know (in the right way) its not OK to kiss there etc. etc.
Trust your instincts and don't let these stupid comments, pathetic and just plain wrong opinions make you feel your wrong in what you feel.
They are despicable saying that because you've suffered from abuse your instincts might not be right or clouded.
FlowersFlowers

Anyat212 · 26/11/2018 22:50

Am I missing something? I’m actually confused why this thread is still continuing and people are questioning every line what OP may or may not have said (no I haven’t re-read every comment on this thread)

From my understanding her DP is sat in his boxers, over weight & legs open. Their DD comes running along wanting to kiss her dad, he doesn’t move her or bend down to kiss her whilst she’s trying to kiss him as she is clearly too small. Therefore their DD tried to kiss elsewhere which is blantantly clear where she’s aiming or going to kiss?

Would I think the same as OP? 100%. Would I ask him to think how this looks? 100%. Do I think SS need to be involved or think he’s deliberately doing it - No I don’t. I wasn’t abused as a child (thankfully and send hugs to anyone who was) but it’s still unusual behaviour. Which 426 pages ago OP said her DP now recognises!

Now, am I on a different planet?!

BumsexAtTheBingo · 26/11/2018 22:50

Unless he’s stupid if it got to the stage that the op had to actively use her hand as a barrier once there shouldn’t have been a second or third time!
He’s ignoring the child who is gesturing that she wants to kiss his face. Why is that?
The op has blocked her child kissing him on the boxers 3 times when she’s been in the room but if they are ever left alone I would imagine it’s been more and he’s not doing anything to prevent it. If the child had been repeatedly redirected they would learn it isn’t an appropriate place to kiss. Why doesn’t he want that to happen? The op has spoken to her dp about it more than once and it’s still happening.
Some people on here are very naive.

sweetkitty · 26/11/2018 22:59

I agree with everything dotty1970, trust your instincts if it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.

Seeingadistance · 26/11/2018 23:03

I've only read half the thread because I was starting to find it really quite distressing to read so many people dismissing the OP's concerns and saying that she is over-reacting.

Like the OP, I was also sexually abused as a child, and I do agree with a pp who pointed out that this can make survivors more alert to unusual or inappropriate behaviour than others who don't have that background of abuse. In addition to that, my professional life means that I have been trained in safeguarding so my thoughts on this are not solely based on my own personal experiences. Also, I'm a 50 year old woman and I can honestly say that I don't know of any man who would sit back and allow a child to kiss their crotch even if he was fully clothed, never mind only wearing boxers. He would close his legs, distract the child, pick the child up to kiss him on the face, ... Adults, male or female, would be or should be, very uncomfortable about a child kissing them there, and it's odd to say the least that your DP is ok with it.

OP, you are not over-reacting. Your DP's behaviour is unusual, and it is inappropriate. The fact that he doesn't seem bothered and even when you've asked him to change his behaviour he insists making no change, is worrying.

bastardkitty · 27/11/2018 04:39

I despair every time I read one of this threads on MN. People who are less than ignorant berate the OP. I don't know if they know the harm they do. Whether it's intentional or whether they really are that ill-informed.

Which seems to be fair enough since the boxers aren't the issue. Your DD trying to kiss his crotch is the issue.

No, the partner's lack of an appropriate response is the issue.

bastardkitty · 27/11/2018 04:39

*these threads

ittakes2 · 27/11/2018 05:46

I think you should have written in your first post that he is usually wearing boxer shorts. I also thought you were being over the top as toddlers are crotch height...but a bit gross if he is wearing boxer shorts.

Ozziewozzie · 27/11/2018 07:45

@lalaroo
Yes, I agree laying the head there (with head turned to the side) is ok but not KISSING crotch area, particularly when he’s just sat in boxers. Would you allow you lo to kiss your crotch whilst your sat in your knickers with your legs spread?

MNHQ
HopeMumsnet · 27/11/2018 11:36

Hi all,
Could we please remind everyone to read the thread before responding if at all possible? We've deleted quite a few posts as 'not in the spirit of MN', fwiw.

BollocksToBrexit · 27/11/2018 11:38

Eh? Is this a new MN policy? Do we have to read all threads before posting or just this one? Confused

SoupDragon · 27/11/2018 11:42

Is this a new MN policy?

No, it's basic common sense.

daisychain01 · 27/11/2018 12:27

If she's just gone to do it, and you've jumped in, he probably doesn't have a grasp on the fact that she would have.

This is yet another example of how the woman is expected to do all the thinking, all the actions and all the decision-making.

Sorry, but surely it isn't beyond the wit of the adult Male who's sat there in a state of half-undress while his toddler daughter is present, to judge what she's up to and make the adult decision accordingly. Is he really that clueless??

BollocksToBrexit · 27/11/2018 12:59

Is this a new MN policy?

No, it's basic common sense.

It may well be basic common sense to you but it isn't to me which is why I'm asking if it is now a requirement? I've never seen MNHQ instruct posters to read the thread before posting before. I'm asking for clarity because sometimes I only read the OP's posts.

loveyoutothemoon · 27/11/2018 13:15

Normal to sit around with boxers on but I agree that it's odd he doesn't move her/pick her up! At that age surely she's little or light enough.

SoupDragon · 27/11/2018 14:33

It may well be basic common sense to you but it isn't to me ...

You don't think it's basic common sense to read something before commenting?