DP letting DD go near his genital area

[BlueRose28]

I feel really bad for making a thing out of this and I know I'm probably making a mountain out of a molehill. Best be safe than sorry though.

I have been with DP for 2 years and DD was conceived within 2 months of me dating him, and within 1 year of me knowing him. I got pregnant due to a contraceptive fail.

DD always runs to DP with open arms and DP is very guilty of 'man-spreading'. Sometimes her head lands in his genital area and he will make no effort to remove her head. I've quickly had to move my hand in front of her face before because she was going in to kiss his genital area and DP (fully aware of what DD was doing) made no effort to remove her or lift her up so she could kiss his face.

When I speak to him about it and I say it's really not appropriate to let DD go near his genitals with her hands or face, he just shrugs it off and jokes around. He jokes about the size of his manhood saying 'well I don't have much there anyway'.

Am I right in being concerned or am I really making a mountain out of a molehill? Not exactly the type of stuff I want to post on Mumsnet but I can't stop worrying about this.

I have spoken to DP and asked him to dress appropriately and I was met with "what so I can't be comfortable in my own home".

Which seems to be fair enough since the boxers aren't the issue. Your DD trying to kiss his crotch is the issue.

I know you’re trying to spare his feelings but you need to stop pussyfooting around and tell him that allowing your child to nuzzle and try to kiss his penis is inappropriate and he needs to pick her up if she’s heading there. Does he want her sounded that to other people because he’s teaching her it’s ok.
It is worrying that he’s not instinctively moving her away though and I don’t think you’re wrong to be concerned.

Not overreacting at all. I am surprised at the first couple of pages of responses but more posters are now saying it is inappropriate which I agree with.

abacucat I also completely agree.

And it might sound innocuous and nothing to worry about, but I would frankly be concerned about this - happening one time is one thing, but there shouldn't be a repeat, as OP's DP should be more aware and be ready to sit up and receive kisses appropriately. (He should also be wanting to have his partner not worry about things like this, and be vigilant to avoid causing her any distress.)

Some people think it's OK and just an innocent thing to allow to happen. But insidious is how it starts IME, so I would be watchful too.

OP, is your DD walking up to your DP quite deliberately when he is sitting with his legs apart and very markedly kissing his genitals?
Or is your DP absent-mindedly sitting around in his boxers when your DD comes crashing into him?
Because they are two very different scenarios.

My DP and all my boyfriends before him sit around in their boxers. Very often with legs apart. Very often with some of the meat and two veg hanging out (bleurgh!). DD (3) is forever launching herself into him for a cuddle/kiss. Very often this is met with an 'oof!' and attempt to protect his bits but sometimes she just catches him off guard.

@StepAwayFromGoogle, he sits in that position absent mindedly, but is aware that DD is coming towards him because she opens her arms, walks towards him, and says 'dada'. He replies to her saying 'you coming to give daddy cuddle?' He says this before she is in between his legs so is aware she is coming and doesn't shut his legs.

It does seem that it is not even occurring to him to see it as anything sexual (which of course it isn't). If he shuts his legs he cuts off the cuddle for your DD, doesn't he? Perhaps ask him to scoop her up into his arms next time? Not because you think he is a paedophile but because it makes you uncomfortable. Given he knows your history, that's the point I would stress. If he knows it makes you uncomfortable and he still carries on then he's being an arse.

you've had a hard time on this thread, yanbu I wouldn't be happy either if he is failing to reiterate boundaries (with the kissing)

Honestly love mumsnet.

A guy is sat comfortably in his own house and has stretched out a bit (as do most of us when we are in the comfort of our own home) and it's labelled as man spreading.

Because he's sat in boxers in his own home, hes needs to grow up and act more like an adult?

You're saying it's obvious she's going for a kiss, the angle he's sat at can he see her making the kiss face? Because you just said she says dada and walks other, he acknowledges that she wants a cuddle. Does she do the kiss face as walking over or when she's cuddling?

Like Shepherdspie said, asking your DP more than once to adjust his actions would concern me. There is a huge difference between accidentally taking a head butt to the genitals during play and repeatedly allowing a child to kiss you in that area, dressed or not. It shouldn't need to be said that kissing the genital area should be discouraged in an age, nevermind having to ask him several times. I don't think you're overreacting.

Having a son and daughter who used to run to me for cuddles I didn't let either between my legs, and grabbed them when they got close. I would have been extremely uncomfortable. I also didn't sit in the living room in underwear around the kids. He needs to recognise how sensitive you are to this behaviour, and recognise the potential problems with this. Can you imagine if one of your toddlers went to nursery and expressed where she'd kissed?

On the other hand, he has said that he 'try to remember' to not let DD near his genital area again

What the heck? Why does he need to ‘try to remember’? It’s not bloody calculus.

He’s acting very oddly about it. A normal reply would be. Oh yeah of course, I didn’t think how that might look.

As a PP said normal people don’t need reminding to not let children kiss their crotch.

I’m not saying he’s up to anything sinister, but he’s being very disrespectful of you and quite frankly weird not to realise once it’s been pointed out that toddlers shouldn’t be encouraged to kiss crotches.

That sounds well dodgy. Sorry.

What the fuck?!
I haven’t read the whole thread but why are so many posters saying this is normal?!?!

This is so far from normal!!!

Obviously you don’t let kids go to kiss your privates..
I feel ill even thinking such a thing.

Nearly all parents would immediately close their legs on approach and/or move the child somewhere more appropriate, lift them up and cuddle against your chest for example.

The more detail you say OP, the more I am concerned about this. He is encouraging your DD to come for a kiss. Which would be normal loving behaviour if she was trying to kiss him somewhere else. But it is not normal behaviour to encourage a young child to come and kiss you in the genital area when you are wearing pants.
At best this is incredibly inappropriate. At worst he is a potential child abuser. I know that sounds harsh, but I have to be honest, if I witnessed this I would report it to SS.

He is encouraging your DD to come for a kiss.

No, he is encouraging her to come for a cuddle. That's exactly what the OP just wrote. CUDDLE. Not kiss.

You're saying it's obvious she's going for a kiss, the angle he's sat at can he see her making the kiss face? Because you just said she says dada and walks other, he acknowledges that she wants a cuddle. Does she do the kiss face as walking over or when she's cuddling?

This is pretty important too. Maybe he thinks it's not an issue because apart from the one time you've picked him up on it, he's been assuming that she's just hugging him rather than kissing him? Without a literal video of the event most of the advice on here is speculative.

If my kid walked up between my legs for a CUDDLE then I wouldn't close my legs either. I might even wrap them around their back and give them a little squeeze or tickle with my toes before lifting them up into my lap.

I think you should listen to your inner voice on this. You don't know this guy well and you think he's behaving inappropriately.

"Don't know this guy well" but has had a child with him who's over a year old. If you don't know him by now, you never will.

It would be odd for him to close his legs as she approaches. I would suggest he scoop her up for a hug a little higher.

I would also suggest some pajama/lounge shorts for wearing around the house. My DH has severa that are basically T-shirt material so incredibly comfortable.

Finally, I do think you should talk with your therapist about this. The internet can’t really help you parse out if you are overreacting or if your actually sensing something that is real. My first inclination was overreacting, but I don’t ever want to tell a mother not to trust her instincts. So please do speak with your therapist. They are trained to help you figure this one out.

Like you I was abused by my dad and like you something doesn’t really sit right. Why isn’t he dressed for a start?
Kids running and cuddling and burying their head in the crotch area all perfectly fine but it’s never too early to teach the pants rule and say we don’t touch/kiss private parts.
He should be more respectful of your past and it’s not difficult to lift her up when she’s doing that.

A majority of the time he can see she's about to kiss because she has her head raised to either show him she's about to kiss him, or she's expecting him to duck down and kiss her but because he doesn't she settles for the next best thing, which Is what is in front of her face (his genitals)DP struggles to duck down when sitting because he has a weight problem. I don't know why he doesn't pick her up when she raises her head for a kiss

I cant believe some of the responses. The OP has a history of being abused and half these responses are akin to gaslighting!

OP yanbu. Once or twice is a given. But as she keeps repeating this i dont get why he isnt stopping her or distracting her away from doing it. He should just pick her up and let her kiss him on his face or something. Also maybe he needs to wear pajama bottoms or something

I would trust your instinct.

I was with my exh for 20 years. I can honestly say that I KNOW he's not a Paedophile. At the bounding up for a cuddle age he would have immediately protected his genitals and would never, ever have let one of our children kiss in that general area.
When I think of other men I know, father, brothers, friends, they wouldn't allow this either. They would instinctively not want a child's mouth or face near their genitals.
OP hasn't known her partner for that long, I'd say trust your instincts OP and don't let anyone tell you you're over reacting here. You've now made this as clear as you can that you want it to stop.

I've had quite the variety of responses, from being told I'm underreacting to then being told I'm overreacting. I have decided to speak to my therapist about this and do whatever they recommend I do. I have spoken to DP about this already. I doubt he will do this again because he seemed apologetic and looked guilty as sin when he read some of the replies on here. He knew I was posting on here about it, because he thought it may of 'eased' my mind. Hearing I'm not the only worrier, he has changed his tune and has become apologetic and lost his jokey attitude.

I don't know why he didn't take me seriously enough to stop it, but Mumsnet is enough to make him stop.