DP letting DD go near his genital area

[BlueRose28]

I feel really bad for making a thing out of this and I know I'm probably making a mountain out of a molehill. Best be safe than sorry though.

I have been with DP for 2 years and DD was conceived within 2 months of me dating him, and within 1 year of me knowing him. I got pregnant due to a contraceptive fail.

DD always runs to DP with open arms and DP is very guilty of 'man-spreading'. Sometimes her head lands in his genital area and he will make no effort to remove her head. I've quickly had to move my hand in front of her face before because she was going in to kiss his genital area and DP (fully aware of what DD was doing) made no effort to remove her or lift her up so she could kiss his face.

When I speak to him about it and I say it's really not appropriate to let DD go near his genitals with her hands or face, he just shrugs it off and jokes around. He jokes about the size of his manhood saying 'well I don't have much there anyway'.

Am I right in being concerned or am I really making a mountain out of a molehill? Not exactly the type of stuff I want to post on Mumsnet but I can't stop worrying about this.

I don’t think he sounds odd. DH and I always loll about on the sofa, and the dc would waddle up for a cuddle.

Quite often you scoop them up in your arms when they’re between your legs. How is that a sign of sexual abuse?

OP this is your issue, not his.

Would you let your child kiss you on the vulva through your pants?

Quite often you scoop them up in your arms when they’re between your legs

He doesn't though, he leaves her there and leaves her when he sees she's going in for a kiss. Would you do that?

Myrashy

She said kissing the boxers, not his dick.
I'm aware the genitals are in the boxer area but you're making it sound far more dramatic. So mentioning would you let your child kiss your vulva isn't really comparable.

My toddler has ran up and cuddled me when I've been in shorts, and her idea of cuddling was rubbing her head on me whilst clinging too my leg. Guess what area her head landed on? Am I a paedophile? Does my husband need to keep an eye on me?

I totally disagree with the majority of responses here. I have 5 kids and I’ve never encountered a time where any of my children have kissed my foof area when just wearing knickers! It is inappropriate in my opinion and it’s also about safe guarding your children and teaching them appropriate and inapropriate behaviours.
I’m shocked that so many mn think it’s ok for a child to kiss the genital area of either man or woman when just covered by underwear!
Apart from which the majority of peodoohiles are family members or well known to family. How on earth do you all expect a 14mth old to differentiate or work out who’s genital area they can kiss and who’s they can’t? Surely dads can close legs or lift child up onto lap. I haven’t been abused. OP, I truly sympathise with you and support your uncomfortableness. I think your instincts are correct. I’d personally feel really uncomfortable with any of my children kissing my private area through my knickers.
I’m baffled that so many think it’s ok. The adult should just gently steer her head away. Who wants a child kissing their genitals? My kids kiss my face!

Just the usual. Judgemental arseholes or "Scummy Mummys" as I call them who are no help whatsoever.

I found nothing "trollish" about the OP's post.

If any of you even bothered to read her later post that she was sexually abused then maybe you would understand why she is so concerned and worried about this.

You are not overeacting, OP. Ignore the scumbags who say you are

Mumsnet - The ever so helpful community (My ass!)

Charming.

I don't think is anything to worry about, my lo frequently buries his head in my crotch and dh’s and will put his hands all over us while clambering about. I only ever move him if it's uncomfortable (as in it hurts!) and so does dh. To him our private areas are the same as arms or legs, he has zero concept of them being anything else so we treat it the same as of its an arm or leg.

@myrashy Where May I ask are your dh genitals? My dh has genitals situated in the front of his boxers, perhaps slightly to one side. Kissing his groin area whilst sat in boxers is very inappropriate. If you have young children and you think it’s appropriate, something is very wrong. Parents have a responsibility to safe guard children. Kissing groin areas through underwear is NOT safe guarding.

@Aria2015 With all due respect, you’ve missed the point. This isn’t about what the child knows or doesn’t know as appropriate. It’s about what the adults know and teach. The op hasn’t stated she has a bro lemme with rough and tumble play, accidentally brushingbpast the crotch. Her concern is her young toddler kissing dh groin area through his boxers and dh just sitting there whikst she does it.

@GivingBloodFeelingGreat

Well said

My two boys would also do this with DH. As they lurched between his legs he simply picked them up and popped them on his lap so they could cuddle, chat, read a book together etc. I would have felt really uncomfortable if any kisses had gone on his (clothed) crotch - and so would he!

The OP's description is coloured by her experiences. If her DP isn't thinking along the same lines as she is, he would conceive of the situation as the OP has. To him it would be an innocent interaction between him and his daughter. To the OP she see something sinister and inappropriate.

If course the OP must remain vigilant but it is not okay to view men as default paedophiles. Is there anything in his history that would indicate he is abusing or would abuse his daughter?

Personally at that age I wouldn't be wrestling my son away from my crotch if he was coming in for a cuddle or kiss. It probably wouldn't even cross my mind that there is a sexual element to it, as there isn't.

Now that you are suspicious of your DP, what next? Presumably you won't leave your daughter unsupervised with him? I don't think there is much a future there now that you have marked him as a potential paedophile. Even an innocent kiss on the lip, etc will cause you concern.

She’s not viewing him as a default paedophile. The thing in his history that is making her suspicious is him repeatedly allowing her child to kiss him through his boxers. The op has raised the issue more than once and he knows the ops history so you would expect some sensitivity to that at least. There has to be a reason why he is insistent on continuing something that would go against the instinct of most parents.
If you also allow your child to kiss your privates then good luck explaining that when they start doing it at nursery to staff or other children because you’re teaching them it’s ok.

“My two boys would also do this with DH. As they lurched between his legs he simply picked them up and popped them on his lap so they could cuddle, chat, read a book together etc. I would have felt really uncomfortable if any kisses had gone on his (clothed) crotch - and so would he!”

I completely agree with this. That’s what toddlers do, don’t they, run towards youbwtween your legs if you’re sitting down and if their arms are outstretched your instinct is to pick them up to cuddle them sitting in your lap, or give them a kiss on the face.

I can’t understand how it’s happening, OP, unless your other half doesn’t actuallu have any arms or is disabled in some way and can’t use them to pick her up?

I think MN can be too much 'I'm so cool, of course this stuff is ok' when it's not at all. Like a pp said, if it was a woman in her pants, legs spread with a toddler trying to kiss her there, it would immediately be inappropriate, as is this OP. YANBU at all. I would think it was a red flag that a man didn't attempt to stop a child doing this and couldn't see what the issue was. Lets face it, most children are abused by someone they know, and it is very very common.

Oh and any time either of mine were crotch height, I directed them away. That's not where I want a toddler's face .

The child most likely was not trying to kiss her father's groin. That's how the OP sees it but it is unlikely that the child was aiming to kiss his groin or penis.

It sounds like the daughter went in for a kiss. Given her height that is the vicinity her head would be level with. The OP's DP probably saw nothing in it because his mind isn't thinking in the same heightened way that the OP's brain is thinking and seeing things. What may appear innocent to him is likely to be viewed differently by the OP because of her past experience.

The DP did not make a dramatic show of moving the daughter away because his focus was on his daughter coming for a cuddle and not "oh look she is coming to kiss my groin, how nice I'll just let her do that".

By the way, what does it mean to be guilty of man spreading? Guilty of man spreading? Really?

I don’t know why so many people are telling you that yabu. You’re not.
Listen to your gut feeling. I don’t think it’s normal for a father to just stand there manspread allowing a small child to touch his genitals. He’s normalising it for the child and you as well.
I would be having another chat with him again - i cannot believe he is allowing it to happen eapecially knowing your story. That’s not right. If he starts minimising it all and saying you are imagining things because of your past- that would be a big red flag for me.

@Weightsandmeasures

I get it, you think I'm overreacting. You've had your say and I would appreciate you to move on.

I have not once said I think my daughter is intentionally kissing his penis, so please don't say I see it that way. I have said she goes to kiss his genital area because it's what's right in front of her! She does look up to kiss her father on his face, it's obvious she wants a kiss from him because she'll look right up at his face and make a kiss face. He ignores this, watches her go to kiss his groin and makes no effort to move her. I'm not saying he has malicious intent but it is questionable behaviour.

He's guilty of man speeding means exactly that. I haven't said it's some sort of crime or something sexual or horrific, a majority of men sit like that. Hence the name man spreading.

@Weightsandmeasures

I understand you think I am overreacting, you're not the only who thinks that. There are also many people who think the opposite. Although I value everyone's opinion, you're taking what I say out of context.

I have not once said that my daughter is intentionally kissing his penis but yet you said 'The child most likely was not trying to kiss her father's groin. That's how the OP sees it but it is unlikely that the child was aiming to kiss his groin or penis'. I know she wasn't 'aiming' to kiss there. If you have read the whole thread (doubt it) then you would surely have read that I know his genital area is right in front of her face and she is going to kiss it just because of that. You would of also read that DD looks up to at DP's face to kiss his face. It's obvious she wants a kiss because she is doing a kiss face. He looks at her, he can't not miss her doing this face. She gives up trying for the face and goes to kiss whatever is in front of her, which happens to be his groin area.

Although it's odd behaviour DP ignoring her kiss (he wouldn't do it in any other circumstance) I never said any of this is inappropriate or malicious. What is questionable is why DP can clearly see she is going to kiss his groin when he is wearing minimal clothing and doesn't try to redirect her, even in the slightest. I haven't branded him a pedophile, I haven't said I do not trust him with her. Given my background and me being overly cautious , I turned to people to ask whether this was appropriate behaviour. I would never let my daughter kiss my groin, not because I'm sexualising it but purely because it's my private parts. Accidental brushing against, the accidental headbut etc I wouldn't think twice about. A kiss to the groin and no redirection is odd behaviour, IMO.

And by being 'guilty of manspreading' I mean he sits with his legs splayed open. No malicious intent their either, I'm not concerned about him sitting like this. It was just to make a clearer picture on how she was able to run with ease in between his legs