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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP letting DD go near his genital area

211 replies

BlueRose28 · 26/11/2018 12:15

I feel really bad for making a thing out of this and I know I'm probably making a mountain out of a molehill. Best be safe than sorry though.

I have been with DP for 2 years and DD was conceived within 2 months of me dating him, and within 1 year of me knowing him. I got pregnant due to a contraceptive fail.

DD always runs to DP with open arms and DP is very guilty of 'man-spreading'. Sometimes her head lands in his genital area and he will make no effort to remove her head. I've quickly had to move my hand in front of her face before because she was going in to kiss his genital area and DP (fully aware of what DD was doing) made no effort to remove her or lift her up so she could kiss his face.

When I speak to him about it and I say it's really not appropriate to let DD go near his genitals with her hands or face, he just shrugs it off and jokes around. He jokes about the size of his manhood saying 'well I don't have much there anyway'.

Am I right in being concerned or am I really making a mountain out of a molehill? Not exactly the type of stuff I want to post on Mumsnet but I can't stop worrying about this.

OP posts:
Bobaboutwhat · 26/11/2018 13:20

Please don’t feel bad OP, you have no reason to. If my child at that age went in for a kiss whilst I was in my pants, there is no way in hell I would just sit there! Like you say, you’re not accusing him of anything sinister, but it makes you feel uncomfortable - I would say that’s totally understandable!

Bobaboutwhat · 26/11/2018 13:21

MyRashyKid - you beat me to it!

Mamabear12 · 26/11/2018 13:21

I think it is strange that he does not move her head away. I would ask him to move her head away. Or better I would explain to DD not to kiss or put her head on privates. Explain privates is where people poo and pee, so best not to put the head there or hands. I am having to tell my son this sometimes about the dog, as sometimes he is playing w the dog and his head gets near her tail/butt area when he is crawling around following her. Im like "Keep you head away from her butt!!! Thats where the poop comes out of!"

VibeTribe · 26/11/2018 13:23

Don’t ignore your gut instinct. Do ignore the nasty idiots who have dismissed and been rude to you on here though

MyRashyKid · 26/11/2018 13:23

I have to say ime men are actually far more aware of avoiding weirdness than women too. It's odd behaviour for a man and I think the OP needs reassurance because actually she hasn't been with her partner for ver long and possibly not lived with him for long at all.

Op are there other issues as well, or is it this one thing?

If it's this one thing you need to explain that dd needs to know that people should not touch her there and she should not touch others in their private areas either.

GretchenFranklin · 26/11/2018 13:25

I think man spreading in his boxers when your toddler is diving towards his crotch is distinctly odd behaviour. Tell him to shut his legs fgs.

CryingMessFFS · 26/11/2018 13:25

It is really weird that he doesn’t move the child away when her face is in that area and she’s attempting to kiss. Creepy and weird. He should be moving her away if she’s trying to kiss around there. At best it’s lazy parenting, at worst he’s getting a creepy kick out of it.

mostdays · 26/11/2018 13:26

I'm glad you've recognised that you are overreacting op, and plan to discuss this with your therapist. It is not at all surprising that having suffered abuse as a child, you are on high alert when it comes to your own child.

Anyat212 · 26/11/2018 13:27

OP I don’t think you’re over reacting at all, I’m pregnant atm with a little girl on the way and if my partner like yours, didn’t react at all and it happened several times - I would be having a discussion with him. As you’ve mentioned I wouldn’t be having a go or thinking it’s intentional I’d just explain it makes you uncomfortable and that DD needs to learn boundaries. I’m sure he’d understand as it sounds like he’s just not aware.

Sorry to hear about your previous abuse & hope the therapy helps Flowers

Shortyboo · 26/11/2018 13:30

Trust your instincts

MyRashyKid · 26/11/2018 13:31

I'm glad you've recognised that you are overreacting op, and plan to discuss this with your therapist.

Do you allow your children to kiss you on the vulva?

MyRashyKid · 26/11/2018 13:31

It's always after the fact that people say "oh that was really weird wasn't it". Predators get away with these things because people don't question them.

Original poster
BlueRose28 · 26/11/2018 13:32

Sorry I can't reply to everyone

There's two things I'm worried about, DD not learning appropriateness and why DP doesn't see his behaviour as inappropriate. Like people have said, I wouldn't let her anywhere near my genitals if my legs were splayed open and i was only in my knickers. Yes DD lays her head on my breasts, I think that is 100% different. Breasts are not genitals and she is a breastfed baby.
Thank you all for your supportive messages. I have spoken to DP and asked him to dress appropriately and I was met with "what so I can't be comfortable in my own home". On the other hand, he has said that he 'try to remember' to not let DD near his genital area again

Again I know this an overreaction but I'm glad I'm not the only one who would have concerns over this

OP posts:
TheChickenOfTruth · 26/11/2018 13:35

It's probably nothing, but if it makes you uncomfortable just tell him so. Any reasonable person would take your feelings into account and modify their behaviour.

In my opinion, the fact that he's not immediately defensive or panicking about her being near his crotch might well be a sign that inappropriate thoughts never even crossed his mind, which could be reassuring. Especially as he is dressed, after all.

MyRashyKid · 26/11/2018 13:36

Again I know this an overreaction but I'm glad I'm not the only one who would have concerns over this
it's not and your therapist will tell you the same.

lau888 · 26/11/2018 13:36

To reassure you, I think this will likely self-resolve itself the first time your toddler accidentally headbuts him or otherwise whacks him in this area. Toddlers are prone to stumbles and trips; he will learn to be more proactive and move to avoid collisions.

MyRashyKid · 26/11/2018 13:36

I think it would be seen as a safe guarding issue.

abacucat · 26/11/2018 13:37

No I don't think it is an over reaction. I think there are a lot of seriously naive posters on this thread.

Shepherdspieisminging · 26/11/2018 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyRashyKid · 26/11/2018 13:38

In my opinion, the fact that he's not immediately defensive or panicking about her being near his crotch might well be a sign that inappropriate thoughts never even crossed his mind, which could be reassuring. Especially as he is dressed, after all.

He isn't dressed, he is in his pants. Also many abusers hide in plain sight. I've seen many posters describe abuse happening in front of family members while being laughed off.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 26/11/2018 13:50

People on here are insane. This is a man sat with his legs wide apart in his undies who is repeatedly letting a toddler run into his open legs and try to kiss him on the privates. The op has spoken to him about it and he’s brushed it off. She puts her hand as a physical barrier and this is also not enough of a hint that he needs to pick the child up.
Op you’re not overreacting. Imo you’re under reacting to have let this go on for how long?

SparklyMagpie · 26/11/2018 13:54

I don't think you're overreacting at all OP

Original poster
BlueRose28 · 26/11/2018 13:57

@BumsexAtTheBingo (love the username) Maybe 5/6 times in the past 3 weeks. 3 weeks ago being the first time. Only started because his recliner on his seat broke so he can no longer use the recliner and put his feet up, therefore leading him to man spread. I have spoken to him twice before, third time today. I'm hoping today will be the last time we ever discuss it and he finally understands it's not appropriate.

OP posts:
badirene · 26/11/2018 13:58

I agree with @abacucat

If you partner does not think this is a big deal and you are overreacting ask him how does this appear to people who do not know either of you, so someone who does not know if the intention is innocent or not.

Is he willing to answer some very awkward questions from people in child protection capacities in the near future. Is he willing to explain how his dd kisses him on his crotch while he is in underwear and that is not a child protection issue? Because the time may come when someone outside the family sees this behaviour and goes with gut instinct and reports it, you will both have to answer for that behaviour.

That is the worst case scenario, the best case is that he knows your history, that this makes you uncomfortable and he has not put a stop to it.

Topseyt · 26/11/2018 14:02

You are NOT overreacting. His behaviour is inappropriate and isn't teaching your DD proper boundaries.

What if she goes and kisses someone else on the crotch in public or at nursery? You could then end up with some seriously awkward questions being asked of you. It could then become a safeguarding issue.

I really cannot believe that those posters on here who are telling you that you are overreacting would sit in just their knickers with their legs splayed apart and allow their children to kiss their genital area.

Trust your instincts. They are telling you that this is not right.

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