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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP letting DD go near his genital area

211 replies

BlueRose28 · 26/11/2018 12:15

I feel really bad for making a thing out of this and I know I'm probably making a mountain out of a molehill. Best be safe than sorry though.

I have been with DP for 2 years and DD was conceived within 2 months of me dating him, and within 1 year of me knowing him. I got pregnant due to a contraceptive fail.

DD always runs to DP with open arms and DP is very guilty of 'man-spreading'. Sometimes her head lands in his genital area and he will make no effort to remove her head. I've quickly had to move my hand in front of her face before because she was going in to kiss his genital area and DP (fully aware of what DD was doing) made no effort to remove her or lift her up so she could kiss his face.

When I speak to him about it and I say it's really not appropriate to let DD go near his genitals with her hands or face, he just shrugs it off and jokes around. He jokes about the size of his manhood saying 'well I don't have much there anyway'.

Am I right in being concerned or am I really making a mountain out of a molehill? Not exactly the type of stuff I want to post on Mumsnet but I can't stop worrying about this.

OP posts:
Winterhatsandgloves · 26/11/2018 15:57

He's being really inappropriate imo abc it's now a habit. He should stop her and say we don't touch anyone where your swim suit goes and it's the same for you' and say - no darling kiss my cheek or something.

What if she does it with relatives? It's not fair on her or them, she is a person in her own right and needs to be helped with how to behave / what's appropriate like any child.

Shepherdspieisminging · 26/11/2018 16:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

abacucat · 26/11/2018 16:35

I also agree that you should trust your gut instincts. Your experiences simply make you less naive and more able to spot red flags.

longestlurkerever · 26/11/2018 16:35

I honestly think that last response is way OTT. Half the people on this thread could see no issue and thought the OP was overreacting. It's highly, highly likely that the OP's DP was in the same camp. He's agreed to change his behaviour and apologised. There's no need for a witch hunt.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/11/2018 16:51

I don't think you're overreacting at all OP. I don't think particularly that your DP is underreacting exactly, but he ought to be more cognisant of his daughter's proximity to his genitals. I personally don't understand why a parent (either sex) wouldn't just swoop in and hoick the child onto their lap for a cuddle. No big deal.

I also cannot understand why somebody wanders around in their boxer shorts. It's perishing here. Maybe turn the heating down a bit more even?

You aren't being unreasonable. This might be 'normal' behaviour for some but it isn't for me Nothing sexual about it but not so natural either and there's just no need for it, I think.

... and I'm sorry you went through all that in your childhood too. Flowers

daisychain01 · 26/11/2018 17:21

This thread has got me wondering how common it is for men to sit around "in the comfort of their own home" in their underwear. I've gone through all the males in mine and DHs family and I cant think of a single one of them who'd do that. I've never know DH, and definitely not in the presence of DC. It just seems so weird.

Come to think of it, the thought of people like DM, DSis, SSIL etc, sitting around in their knickers is equally strange.

longestlurkerever · 26/11/2018 17:24

My DH wears boxers and a T shirt to bed so wanders around like that sometimes before getting dressed, in the same way I walk around in my PJs.

Shepherdspieisminging · 26/11/2018 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

longestlurkerever · 26/11/2018 17:33

Oh FFS.

MyRashyKid · 26/11/2018 17:35

"Don't know this guy well" but has had a child with him who's over a year old. If you don't know him by now, you never will.

The OP was clear she'd only been with him for two months when she got pregnant. They may not have lived together long and frankly you could be with someone for years and still not know about certain aspects of their personality. Especially if they aren't around children before they had their own!

Bluntness100 · 26/11/2018 17:44

On one hand it's not his genitalia to a kid it's his lap, and kids on their parents lap or between their legs is not odd. She's only a year old, but I'd agree he shouldn't be letting her kiss him there. It is a bit odd and discomfiting.

There is nothing wrong wIth being in his boxers in his own home, but he needs to manage himself appropriately.

In fact rhe more I think about it, I can't actually think of any man I know who'd let a child kiss his penis, if that's what you're saying is happening. It's just not right,

greycloudblackbird · 26/11/2018 17:45

My husband has moved himself/ toddler in similar situation, as have I when I am in that situation. I think that is normal.

I think it is odd for a man not to adjust himself or the child in that situation.

I think you are right to raise it OP.

MyRashyKid · 26/11/2018 18:01

I can't actually think of any man I know who'd let a child kiss his penis, if that's what you're saying is happening. It's just not right,

No. I can't either.

smiler0206 · 26/11/2018 18:07

I also find it strange how he doesn't flinch or change positive when your DD does this. As I would flinch or change position if it was my DD trying to kiss me in that area and my husband has done the same even if my DD WAS just to stand between his legs whilst he had just boxer shorts on he would probably go get dressed as he would feel uneasy about it. my DH wouldn't sit round in boxer shorts in front of DD anyway. He freaks out and pulls the shower curtain around the bath if she needs to use toilet whilst he is in the bath.

iLoveFoood · 26/11/2018 18:10

No smoke without fire

But then again I can think of very innocent men who would think nothing of it and would be appalled to think that you would think something of it

SixButterflies · 26/11/2018 18:10

I'm completely with you on this. I'd move away or expect anyone else to move away. Very odd indeed for an adult to not gently ease a small child away from their genitals!

BollocksToBrexit · 26/11/2018 18:15

I don't think you're over reacting OP. At best it is extremely odd behaviour from your DP to not move to stop it happening.

KarmaStar · 26/11/2018 18:17

Hi op,I don't think you deserve to be flamed by anyone.irrespective of your personal fears,a man with his legs spread open wearing only boxer shorts,allowing a little girl to kiss him there is inappropriate.I'd absolutely be asking him to either wear lounge bottoms or lift her up before her mouth reaches target .

ForalltheSaints · 26/11/2018 18:29

I think it sends out the wrong message about what is a private area. As your DD gets older the knowledge that certain areas are private is a valuable thing to have.

ChocolateWombat · 26/11/2018 19:05

I agree that OP needs to go with her instinct on this.

The thing is, all kinds of things are possible. In some houses, people do sit around in their underwear and it isn't inappropriate. Many people have found a small child end up with their face in their crotch because of the height of the child and their desire to just get close to the parent and have either moved them away or not made a thing about it and just let it pass. For some parents, any nudity or touching by accident is a big no-no and very shocking and for others they are more relaxed and not bothered by it. Some people allow inappropriate things to happen because they are unaware and a bit clueless not sinister in intent. Other people are sinister in intent.

We can't really tell and only Op can decide. I have a problem with those who say this is definitely inappropriate and who go as far as to strongly suggest he is a paedophile. It is also wrong of people to say this is absolutley definitely okay in a categorical way.

I think Op has to decide about DP - does she think he has just been rather unaware. If she's spoken to him 3 times the matter has been raised - and regardless of whether it is wrong or not,nshes made her feelings known and he should respect her thoughts on this. It sounds as if he is now taking it on board. But Op has to decide if there is more to it than that and there is some kind of sinister intent hidden behind seeming carelessness - I couldn't pretend to make a judgement on this at all.

In the end, this raises other issues to me though. Does Op want to be with is man and raise her children with him? They have found themselves as parents together after a short time and without perhaps knowing each other well or coming to a shared understanding of how they want to live their lives and parent their children. Are they able to develop that shared understanding in a way that works for them both and the family? Does Op want to be with him? Again I couldn't comment and although I expect lots of people on MN would bebquicknto say LTB, again, only Op can decide if this is a symptom of deeper rooted stuff which means ultimately she doesn't want to be with him, or if this an easily solvable blip and they are on the same page for their lives and parenting.

Best of luck Op in thinking it all through and in talking with your therapist. And well done for addressing it with him - assuming there's nothing sinister going on, communication between you is so important for resolving difficulties.

Madamum18 · 26/11/2018 19:14

Considering your own experiences in childhood it is hardly surprising that you are uncomfortable and worried by this, whether reasonable or not!! Some responses are unkind, just ignore them!

  1. Does your partner know that you were abused? 2. Have you discussed together how that might be impacting on your reactions? 3. Can both of you agree a strategy for dealing with this? Not making it a big deal of it but thinking about how you approach the gradual understanding for your daughter over time as she grows, about respect for each others bodies and what is appropriate etc.
SilverDoe · 26/11/2018 19:29

Hmmm my toddler DD has gone to poke DP’s bits etc when he’s in his boxers and his natural reaction is to jump away - the same way I would if she was actually going to kiss my bits.

The weird thing is the whole scenario - is he sitting or standing? Because standing up I can kind of understand it but sitting down it’s kind of weird - and he must be sitting if you’re describing him as human spreading. If she wants a kiss and cuddle why isn’t he pulling her onto his lap and how is her natural height not closer to his tummy rather than his crotch? It is a little bit, unusual.

SilverDoe · 26/11/2018 19:30

Sorry didn’t RTFT, glad it’s been resolved for you :)

TAMS71 · 26/11/2018 19:49

I think you're right to ask him to pick her up if she goes into kiss his genitals, think of the 'PANTS' song. It would be inappropriate if he just let her do that IMO especially in boxers but even in trousers.

LalaLeona · 26/11/2018 19:53

This sounds so creepy. What a strange op Hmm