Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

DP letting DD go near his genital area

211 replies

BlueRose28 · 26/11/2018 12:15

I feel really bad for making a thing out of this and I know I'm probably making a mountain out of a molehill. Best be safe than sorry though.

I have been with DP for 2 years and DD was conceived within 2 months of me dating him, and within 1 year of me knowing him. I got pregnant due to a contraceptive fail.

DD always runs to DP with open arms and DP is very guilty of 'man-spreading'. Sometimes her head lands in his genital area and he will make no effort to remove her head. I've quickly had to move my hand in front of her face before because she was going in to kiss his genital area and DP (fully aware of what DD was doing) made no effort to remove her or lift her up so she could kiss his face.

When I speak to him about it and I say it's really not appropriate to let DD go near his genitals with her hands or face, he just shrugs it off and jokes around. He jokes about the size of his manhood saying 'well I don't have much there anyway'.

Am I right in being concerned or am I really making a mountain out of a molehill? Not exactly the type of stuff I want to post on Mumsnet but I can't stop worrying about this.

OP posts:
halfwitpicker · 26/11/2018 12:26

Soup dragon!

Haven't seen you for ages!

Recommended your flapjacks the other day Grin

Quartz2208 · 26/11/2018 12:29

You need to talk to him - does he know your background. Explain why you are uncomfortable and get on the same page about teaching her boundaries in terms of appropriate and inappropriate behaviour

Make it very clear though that you are not accusing him of anything and it doesnt seem likely that it is anything but not seeing it from your perspective of inappropriateness

Original poster
BlueRose28 · 26/11/2018 12:30

He knows my background

OP posts:
ThatOneHurt · 26/11/2018 12:31

So she tries to kiss his penis through his boxer shorts and he doesn't try and stop her.

Is that what you're saying?

Mylittlepony374 · 26/11/2018 12:32

This would not worry me at all with my toddler& her dad- her head is naturally that height for now... But if it worries you then your partner should take it seriously and adapt his behavior accordingly. Maybe your past (I'm sorry you've been through that) is making you more sensitive however that is even more reason for your partner to try to understand you and limit behavior that upsets you.

Nesssie · 26/11/2018 12:32

You're letting your past affect this. The reason he doesn't see it as an issue, is because he does not see anything sexual about it, he is just hugging his daughter.

In the nicest possible way, I think you need to speak to someone, as this is a bit paranoid and may affect your child in the future.

Snowwontbelong · 26/11/2018 12:33

Given your anxiety surrounding this he should be wearing more than boxers.

Original poster
BlueRose28 · 26/11/2018 12:33

She doesn't go for the penis directly, her body is in between his legs because of his man spreading and her head is the exact height of his genitals. When it's obvious she's going to kiss him wherever around his genital area he makes no attempt to stop her. It's very obvious she's going in for a kiss because she does the duck face thing and leans in

OP posts:
Hubblebubbletripletrouble · 26/11/2018 12:34

You say she tries to kiss. What actually happens?

HollowTalk · 26/11/2018 12:34

I think you should listen to your inner voice on this. You don't know this guy well and you think he's behaving inappropriately. Don't ignore that voice.

MardyMavis · 26/11/2018 12:35

You are the one making it weird.

Original poster
BlueRose28 · 26/11/2018 12:35

Like any person going in for a kiss, she makes purses her lips like a kind of duck face and leans in. She does this every time she kisses someone so it's pretty hard not to recognise this as a kiss

OP posts:
Hubblebubbletripletrouble · 26/11/2018 12:37

Yes but does she actually kiss? Do you step in or something?

nellieellie · 26/11/2018 12:37

OP, I would be uncomfortable with this. I think a normal reaction if a child puts a head or hand on a crotch would be to subtly shift position or move child. I accept that some people wouldn’t see it as an issue, but it would make me uneasy - especially in boxer shorts.

Original poster
BlueRose28 · 26/11/2018 12:38

Thank you for everyone's replies. I understand why I have been flamed in some comments. As I said, I was just asking if I was worrying appropriately but know I now I'm not, I'll apologise to him for making a thing out of this. (I have not had a go at him and I've been very sensitive to this and he knows I'm not accusing him of anything). I will ask him to dress appropriately but then again I can't force him to wear clothes, even if he knows it will ease my conscious. Thanks for the advice and help

OP posts:
Littlechocola · 26/11/2018 12:38

‘I’m in therapy’
Mention this.

It’s most likely that it is your past making you overly cautious but he needs to understand this and you need to understand that not every male is abusive. Very hard for both of you.

BrendasUmbrella · 26/11/2018 12:39

I think your perspective is being coloured by what you went through as a child, and it's great that you are being vigilant for your dd, but what you describe happens all the time, it's normal.

Given your history I think your DP could be more sensitive and not sit about in his underwear.

flapjackfairy · 26/11/2018 12:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ThatOneHurt · 26/11/2018 12:40

Yes I agree, mention this in therapy. I think it's important.

If she is trying to kiss his crotch and gets his penis when he's only wearing boxers and he makes no attempt to stop her then he does have some concerning boundary issues...

SylviaAndSidney · 26/11/2018 12:40

I’d be more worried about a bite if a young child put their head down like that, so I’d be encouraging them to not do it for that reason foremost.

I wouldn’t think there was anything untoward in your partner’s response, but if it worries you you need to speak with him about it.

nellieellie · 26/11/2018 12:40

I’ve just had a read above. Hang on, the toddler is between his legs going in for an obvious kiss towards his groin. He remains legs spread watching her in his boxer shorts. And this is entirely normal? Sorry people I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t shift position, playfully intercept child etc.

BrendasUmbrella · 26/11/2018 12:41

OK, tbh he should stop her when he sees her going to kiss his genital area. I think most parents would instinctively move their hands to block that if they notice. But on its own it's not alarming. I wouldn't apologize to him as such, because then you won't feel confident intervening next time. You can give him the benefit of the doubt while also continuing to look out for your dd's wellbeing.

ThatOneHurt · 26/11/2018 12:41

You don't seem to want to accept that though ! You seem determined to see a sinister motive in this situation no doubt due to your history.

I disagree. She's taken onboard what everyone has said. She is simply answering peoples questions and giving a bit of back ground.
Give her a break.

wrenika · 26/11/2018 12:41

You're making a mountain out of a molehill and you're going to end up raising her with a whole heap of issues if you can't see the sensible lines.

nellieellie · 26/11/2018 12:42

Op, you are right to be uneasy. Don’t let people tell you you are overreacting because of your history. I’m not saying this is sinister necessarily but he needs to develop some boundaries.