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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP letting DD go near his genital area

211 replies

BlueRose28 · 26/11/2018 12:15

I feel really bad for making a thing out of this and I know I'm probably making a mountain out of a molehill. Best be safe than sorry though.

I have been with DP for 2 years and DD was conceived within 2 months of me dating him, and within 1 year of me knowing him. I got pregnant due to a contraceptive fail.

DD always runs to DP with open arms and DP is very guilty of 'man-spreading'. Sometimes her head lands in his genital area and he will make no effort to remove her head. I've quickly had to move my hand in front of her face before because she was going in to kiss his genital area and DP (fully aware of what DD was doing) made no effort to remove her or lift her up so she could kiss his face.

When I speak to him about it and I say it's really not appropriate to let DD go near his genitals with her hands or face, he just shrugs it off and jokes around. He jokes about the size of his manhood saying 'well I don't have much there anyway'.

Am I right in being concerned or am I really making a mountain out of a molehill? Not exactly the type of stuff I want to post on Mumsnet but I can't stop worrying about this.

OP posts:

ThatOneHurt · 26/11/2018 12:42

wrenika RTFT

jojok10 · 26/11/2018 12:43

i think this all sounds totally normal and it seems sad to put a sexual undertone on this and potentially highlight a distrust of your daughters own father. Having said this I would have thought you could sensitively talk to your partner about the influence and after affects your abuse has had on you and for these reasons he would consider being a bit more aware of how these actions make you feel. Then you aren't making out like he is doing something wrong- you are just saying it makes you feel anxious.

christmaschristmaschristmas · 26/11/2018 12:45

OP your not crazy. This would worry me too.

I think it is bloody odd that your DP is around the house in just boxers and really odd that he is not moving/flinching when DD is going in for a kiss etc.

I would have a frank discussion with him saying you'd like him dressed around DD and can he please ask her not to touch his genital area (and say you'll be doing the same) because you are worried she won't know boundaries that other people shouldn't touch her if this carries on.

See how this goes. If no improvement you'll need a more serious conversation.

ChocolateWombat · 26/11/2018 12:45

Children are unaware of body parts and when it comes to parents and those they love, just want to get close and cuddle up to whichever part they come into contact with. As you say, she is not targeting his groin area and he is not encouraging her to touch his groin area.

My kids have cuddle up to my groin area when I've been clothed or not clothed. They have cuddled up into my boobs. They have climbed on ther Dads lap and squashed his balls in their enthusiasm to cuddle him and caused him to wince and when they were little their heads came up to his crotch and they spent a lot if time standing between his legs with their heads at zip level - all entirely innocent on the parts of everyone.

I understand you've had a horrible past yourself. I think you need to get some help in dealing with that and also in deciding if you want to be with your DP. If you do, you will need to trust him - he really doesn't sound like he's doing anything inappropriate at all and neither are the children and to be honest, making a big thing of 'no, not there' is more likely to make it an issue than it is now.

Are you suggesting that your DP has sinister motives in allowing this?It sounds a little bit as if you aren't entirely clear. I think you need to get this sorted out. To all of us it sounds entirely normal.

christmaschristmaschristmas · 26/11/2018 12:45

*you're

Spam88 · 26/11/2018 12:46

It does sound pretty normal, but I totally understand that your past makes it difficult for you to see it that way. Definitely worth bringing up with your therapist.

It seems perfectly reasonable to me though that you could both start teaching your DD about boundaries and not touching other people's privates though?

ItWentInMyEye · 26/11/2018 12:46

I think he should distract/redirect her if she goes to 'kiss', but the head near the groin isn't an issue for me. If he's laid on the settee would she aim her face for his crotch? No, it's just that that is the area at the height her head lays when he's sat up.

Mylittlepony374 · 26/11/2018 12:47

OP please try and trust yourself though. If you remain concerned & he is unwilling to adapt his behavior (it's easy for him to put trousers on/not sit around in boxers) to ease your concern then please discuss with your therapist or some other health professional in real life. Don't not act based on responses here. We have instincts for a reason.

Andyetanothernamechange · 26/11/2018 12:48

Perhaps he doesn't react when she's goes to kiss because he knows that where she's about to kiss isn't actually where his penis is. To you it just looks like boxers, but for him he knows exactly where it is and knows she's not going to make contact so he doesn't instinctively react.

Topseyt · 26/11/2018 12:50

He should be teaching her that it is an inappropriate area to kiss someone, not manspreading and just watching her do it. He just needs to close his legs and subtly shift position, as most people would do.

It would help if he wore more than just boxer shorts too.

PepperSteaks · 26/11/2018 12:50

I wouldn’t think anything of it. Through no fault of your own you are projecting.

oohyoudevilyou · 26/11/2018 12:52

I doubt that there's any sexual concerns, but by not moving her up, or moving his head down toward her pursed lips, he's failing to demonstrate the social norms associated with kissing. Tell him she needs to get used to kissing people's faces, because that's what we do in our culture. Would he want her kissing her uncles or grandpa in the nuts?

BringOutTheDancingGirls · 26/11/2018 12:53

I think the biggest problem here is that your DP is totally dismissing YOUR feelings as someone who was sexually abused .

Perhaps he is over-compensating for your concerns and feelings and in doing so as over-stepped somewhat.

I would feel uneasy about my child kissing their father's groin area if he was just wearing boxers. Not concerned about abuse as such, just inappropriate.

abacucat · 26/11/2018 12:58

I disagree with nearly everyone on here. I think it is strange not to redirect a toddlers attention in this situation. I would not expect your DH to make a big deal out of it, just redirect. And male staff working with toddlers do redirect. Its no big deal to do. Listen to your gut feeling on this.

daisychain01 · 26/11/2018 12:59

The only way to sort this one out OP is for you and your DP to have a private conversation, not in earshot of your DD, so you can express your concerns just as you have on here.

He sounds clueless if he sits around in boxer shorts, manspreading and allowing close proximity that puts his/your DD in what can only be described as an inappropriate situation, and not realise what he's doing,

And it is inappropriate no matter what some people may say. He should wear shorts, or long joggers and start behaving like a responsible adult. It's the right thing to do. If your instincts are crying out that you don't like it, then follow those instincts.

abacucat · 26/11/2018 13:03

And note OP that women are sexually abused can sometimes puck up on red flags that more naive adults would dismiss.

Badtasteflump · 26/11/2018 13:04

abacucat I completely agree.

Nothing wrong with sitting around in your boxers in your own home - but he is the adult and needs to start teaching your DD about appropriate boundaries and behaviour. Don't let your past deny you the right to an opinion on this.

Hazardswan · 26/11/2018 13:12

Just from this one thing he sounds like a lazy parent who can't be arsed to put a bit of effort in to teach his child social norms. Is he lazy and uninterested overall?

Bobaboutwhat · 26/11/2018 13:13

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all - we teach our children that the genital area is private and personal. Your partner isn’t doing this and I think it’s odd that he doesn’t instinctively move as appropriate, especially in just boxers - I would’ve thought a man would flinch in case of injury! I’m not saying there is anything sinister in this or not, no one can answer that from this but I definitely think he needs to practice better boundaries.

Original poster

BlueRose28 · 26/11/2018 13:13

I'm not saying he has malicious intent. Just that I think it's quite inappropriate and I'm questioning whether I need to worry, it doesn't mean I have immediately branded him a pedophile and that our daughter is in immediate danger - because I know he's not and I wouldn't just post on Mumsnet it I believed she was in danger. I feel terrible for making a thing out of it when 99% of people think I'm overreacting. Thank you everyone for your advice. I will speak to my therapist about this and take their advice onboard too.

OP posts:

MyRashyKid · 26/11/2018 13:15

To all of us it sounds entirely normal

Uh no it doesn't. Several people have said it was odd.

If I am sitting legs spread in a pair of knickers I would not feel comfortable with my child kissing me on the vulva and would make it clear that we don't do that because those areas are private and that's as much for the child as it for me.

To the person compared it to a child laying on their mother's chest, breasts are not sexual in nature and frankly designed to be baby feeders/cushions.

Hazardswan · 26/11/2018 13:16

I think your right to worry if he's feckless and lazy. Your dd deserves more than feckless.

Sethis · 26/11/2018 13:16

Are you concerned about the child not learning the correct behaviour? I.e. Not to kiss people (man OR woman) on the crotch.

Or are you concerned about your DP encouraging this behaviour because it gives him some kind of sexual titillation?

Or are you concerned that he doesn't seem to register it as a problem?

If it's 1 or 3 then I'd say that something like:

"Hey DP, our kid is getting older and I want to make sure that she's getting into the right habits. Kissing people on the crotch isn't a great thing, because I'd be super embarrassed if she started doing it in Nursery or whatever. Can you make sure you pick her up when she tries to do it to you, and get her to kiss you on the face instead? That way I don't have to have super awkward conversations when we collect her from childcare. Thanks!"

Or something similar.

If it's 2 then you need to think a lot more carefully about how you approach that.

MyRashyKid · 26/11/2018 13:17

I really hate the gaslighting of sexual assault survivors on this thread too. Having first hand of something doesn't make you a less reliable judge of abuse ffs

MyRashyKid · 26/11/2018 13:18

All of you who think it's not weird, would you happily keep your legs splayed while wearing your pants for your toddler to kiss you on your vulva? Really, really?

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