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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MiL wants to come at Christmas. We don’t want her to.

295 replies

RobertDeNiro · 25/11/2018 20:15

We have a difficult relationship with MiL, always have had, ever since she tried to get some of Dh’s inheritance off him (from his dad, who had been divorced from her for years). She treats the people around her like dirt, and as a result has barely anyone left around her. We see her once every two months ish for about an hour through gritted teeth. She is prone to making narky comments when she comes round, for example saying I looked pregnant in the dress I was wearing, or comments about our house or whatever. She is also very strange and comes out with some very odd things.

Dh can sort of compartmentalise his relationship with her whereas I get so stressed when I know she’s coming that I feel anxious for the whole week.

She wants to come at Christmas this year on the day. She made some narky comments to dh about my relationship with my mother a few months ago (which is totally broken due to abuse when I was a child) and it was the last straw for me. I do not feel like ruining my Xmas by hosting her here and cooking her a nice Xmas lunch etc. I feel like she can sod off to be honest.

We haven’t seen her at Xmas for three years. Dh reckons we should have her here this year and that seeing crappy relatives is just part of the ‘joy’ of Xmas. She will be alone if she doesn’t come here.

I don’t want her here. Aibu?

OP posts:
Strawberry2017 · 25/11/2018 20:20

YANBU, I saw a post on Facebook recently that was so true, 3 steps to the perfect Christmas and one of them was not spending time with people that are bad for your mental health.
Why should you host someone who is vile to you. I wouldn't want to.
I hope you get a quiet happy Christmas! X

AdoraBell · 25/11/2018 20:21

If your DH wants to have her there for Christmas Day would he cook the meal?

YANBU, IMO.

trojanpony · 25/11/2018 20:21

I’m on the fence. Can you manage the timings or. She comes at midday and leaves at 6 or is it a 3 day visit job.

A few hours maybe suck it up and work around her but 3 days would be a no from me.

Ultimately, your DP needs to be on board too.

Your comments indicate she is generally a bit weird which I’d be inclined to ignore but If it makes you stressed for a week prior you clearly take it on board.
what does your DP think about that?

TemptressofWaikiki · 25/11/2018 20:26

Christmas is not a reason to see and spend the day with toxic people. If you behave like a shitty, nasty cuntywanker, then you reap what you sow. That would be a hello no from me! `

Mickeysminnie2 · 25/11/2018 20:28

Seriously? Tell her that your dh is looking forward to going to see her at some point but you won't be able to see her on the day.

KristinaM · 25/11/2018 20:28

Why don’t you invite her on another date near Christmas and let DH cook a meal? You might cope with the old bat more if you could relax with a few drinks while your husband cooks.

RobertDeNiro · 25/11/2018 20:30

Dh accepts she is odd and selfish but feels obligated not to cut her off. She’s done his head in so much that he has blocked her on his phone because she barraged him with texts and calls. So she just emails now! So he can’t stand her either. It’s solely guilt.

I agree, you reap what you sow. But I don’t want to fall out with dh about it.

OP posts:
RobertDeNiro · 25/11/2018 20:30

I suggested another day but no, she will be alone on Xmas day so apparently we have to suffer to make her feel better...

OP posts:
JesusInTheCabbageVan · 25/11/2018 20:31

Don't do it. I can think of no good reason why you would. If neither of you likes her, and it sounds like she doesn't particularly like you, why would you ruin your Christmas? Can you tell her you really want to keep the day intimate, but you'll have her over on boxing day?

RobertDeNiro · 25/11/2018 20:34

Dh works on Boxing Day.

She sort of half- invited herself, saying she could get a taxi to us!

OP posts:
IncomingCannonFire · 25/11/2018 20:34

Send dh to her. Then he can leave when he wants.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 25/11/2018 20:35

Sorry, x-post. Maybe try showing your DH the stately homes toxic family threads on Relationships?

RandomMess · 25/11/2018 20:35

Yep DH can go to her got the "day".

KitKat1985 · 25/11/2018 20:38

Compromise and maybe pop to hers in the morning for an hour or so, and then do your own thing later. At least then you can leave when you want, which may be far easier than trying to get her out of your house.

RobertDeNiro · 25/11/2018 20:43

Dh is saying he will go to hers and stay the night! Ds would be devastated if dh wasn’t here on Xmas day!

OP posts:
onlyk · 25/11/2018 20:45

How about going out for Christmas Lunch with her?

You can meet her there, it restricts the time spent with her and it may help to modify her worst behaviours as you’re in a public place.

notpushyinterested · 25/11/2018 20:47

She's his mother. She gave birth to him and raised him.
It's one day.

Winterishere2018 · 25/11/2018 20:47

I wouldn’t have her there op especially if she’s likely to say something to ruin the day.

ILoveTreesInAutumn · 25/11/2018 20:49

No. No way. Remind your DH what she said about your mother and ask him why he thinks you should have her in your home. Tell him this is a choice between her wishes and yours, and he’d better think very hard before choosing his nasty mother or he may no longer have that choice, Christmas Day or a any day.

Christmas does often involve seeing Boring Bert or Dreary Dorothy, but it NEVER has to include seeing nasty people who give you anxiety.

LizzieSiddal · 25/11/2018 20:51

I think if your Dh wants to have his mum on Xmas day, then he should.
Who else would be there? I find my MIL a complete pain, as does DH, so we only host her when there’s at least a few others there. It means she cant dominate the conversation.

I’m not sure about the idea of a restaurant. We find that harder as you can’t escape into another room when she starts doing your head in.

BumbleBeee69 · 25/11/2018 20:51

it's Christmas day, so FUCK sucking it up for people who drain the living daylights out of your mental health. Enjoy your day surrounded by kind loving decent nice people, not the nasty spiteful fuckers that have literally NOWHERE else to go. Stop being manipulated by the Season, goodwill works both ways all year round, it's not a sad sorry excuse for nasty folk to get a free pass to come round and piss on your festive spirit. They will be equally nasty today, despite it being Christmas, the answer would be HELL NO Flowers

ILoveTreesInAutumn · 25/11/2018 20:52

So, he’s going to chose to spend the day with a woman who drives him up the wall to the pint he has barred her number, over his wife and child?

...and child

Tell him, if he goes he had better pack a lot of stuff because he won’t be welcome back. And mean it.

7salmonswimming · 25/11/2018 20:53

Not saying this is the case for OP, but there’s a difference between someone who disturbs happiness or peace or emotional equilibrium, and someone who is “bad for your mental health” (referring to first reply). Having “good mental health” doesn’t require never enduring snarky comments or greediness or unpleasantness.

MN is so quick to advise people to ditch people who don’t fall into line, especially at this time of year. Not everyone who posts can have “toxic” friends and family. The very fact OP has asked the question means she’s not sure of what her reply should be. MN seems to assume it’s because the OP is a woman who needs a hive mind of “support” to do something they’re not comfortable with doing themselves.

LizzieSiddal · 25/11/2018 20:53

Dh is saying he will go to hers and stay the night! Ds would be devastated if dh wasn’t here on Xmas day!

I think that shows how much he wants her there!
If I were you I’d agree to it this year but tell him it’s not happening again, for a long time.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 25/11/2018 20:54

Dh is saying he will go to hers and stay the night!

Hang on, how close to you does she live? And what "night" is he talking about ... 24th or 25th?

I was also going to suggest he visited for an hour on his own (even taking her some dinner round if necessary) but I certainly wouldn't be happy about him disappearing for so long and upsetting your DS

As so many have said, you reap what you sow