MiL wants to come at Christmas. We don’t want her to.

[RobertDeNiro]

We have a difficult relationship with MiL, always have had, ever since she tried to get some of Dh’s inheritance off him (from his dad, who had been divorced from her for years). She treats the people around her like dirt, and as a result has barely anyone left around her. We see her once every two months ish for about an hour through gritted teeth. She is prone to making narky comments when she comes round, for example saying I looked pregnant in the dress I was wearing, or comments about our house or whatever. She is also very strange and comes out with some very odd things.

Dh can sort of compartmentalise his relationship with her whereas I get so stressed when I know she’s coming that I feel anxious for the whole week.

She wants to come at Christmas this year on the day. She made some narky comments to dh about my relationship with my mother a few months ago (which is totally broken due to abuse when I was a child) and it was the last straw for me. I do not feel like ruining my Xmas by hosting her here and cooking her a nice Xmas lunch etc. I feel like she can sod off to be honest.

We haven’t seen her at Xmas for three years. Dh reckons we should have her here this year and that seeing crappy relatives is just part of the ‘joy’ of Xmas. She will be alone if she doesn’t come here.

I don’t want her here. Aibu?

it does suck OP, but you need to think wisely.

Let him go, we all know he isn't going, but tell him he to go.

I think DH should head over to his mums after an early lunch on Christmas Day, then stay overnight. Surely he doesn’t really want to miss opening stocking etc?

He's trying to blackmail you into giving in over this by threatening to do something that he really doesn't want to do. he's learned from his mother that emotional blackmail and ridiculous threats work, so he's using them on you.

You can call his bluff, but don't allow him to take your child.And if he doesn't drive, his taxi bill is going to be very expensive.

My maternal GM always came to us on Xmas Day, with my Aunt who was a spinster and lived with her. He son used to visit her on Xmas morning, but as he was a church minister, he had a getaway planned, service to take and the rest of the day free to spend with his own family.

My DDad did not get on with GM, so the whole day involved walking in eggshells for everyone else. Ddad had to take them home to the other side of the city at 9PM, so couldn't even enjoy a beer.

Once I had my own family there was no way this going to be repeated. I am a nurse so usually had to work part of every Xmas. This was the perfect excuse not to ever host on Xmas Day. Instead we told the family that we would have them round the Saturday or Sunday before Xmas and laid on a spread. Duty done.

Could you not come up with some reason to do something similar? DH could visit his DM on Xmas morning and if she has already enjoyed a big meal a few days beforehand, you could keep some meat and make up a plate for her to put in the microwave.

Another family I know arranged a taxi for DM so she could arrive at 2PM and leave at 5PM on Xmas Day as DIL had to work night duty. DIL did not work night duty every Xmas but it got them off the hook.

Or,n
Calmly say to DH. I haven't won the last two Christmases, she chose to lose them when she chose to behave as she did.
Then suggest to him that you both as an unbroken and firmly united front sit with her and ask what are her efforts to repair the relationship before she intends to join you all at your house for dinner. I don't for one minute suggest she does attend Christmas chez vous but this will show DH (and her) that she is responsible for her own behaviour and lonely circumstances and that you two are the calm collected united front which will not be broken by anyone.

She can come round on Dec 27 for lunch, would be my solution. And I would plan to take DS out for a long walk / to the sales / a cup of tea in Costa for much of her visit

He's threatening to miss your sones Christmas morning? Fuck that.

I would tell him that if he goes to MIL on Christmas Eve he can stay there until work on Boxing Day.

Why should your son miss out because his dad won't stand up to his mum.

You haven't WON every Christmas because you haven't refused to have her every year.

Christmas is about kids. Remind him that he's an adult. And unless he wants to have the same parent child relationship with his own son he needs to stand up and tell MIL she can't come.

If you manage to compromise I would make sure her taxi home is booked. And pour a glass of wine as soon as she arrives.

I'd invite her but have a few others as well. That will take the pressure off you a bit and maybe she will behave better in more company?

Just take a moment and think that one day your son might be arguing with his wife about how awful it is to have you over on Christmas day because you sometimes make 'narky comments'.

Look, I'm sorry: he doesn't give a shit if you and his own son have an awful Christmas, just as long as he doesn't need to feel guilty over his mum, and as long as he doesn't have to spend hours on his own with her.

He needs to put his big boy pants on and recognise his guilt is his problem. He either lets his child and wife down, and puts his unpleasant mother first, and has a miserable Christmas himself but knows his wife and child are sheltered from her... or he sucks up the guilt and sees her before or after the day.

What he doesn't get to do is shove you in front of his mother as a walking target so he can side-step both the guilt, and the misery of being in her sole company. Why should you deal with his awful mother? Haven't you had enough dealing with awful people already? And why the hell is he wanting to expose his own child to this?

He's being as selfish as she is. It's not your circus and not your monkey. He either goes to hers (I very much doubt it) or she's on her own. There is no more palatable plan for him, however much he tantrums. Seems to me he's using his mother's own tricks. here.

I agree with the Plaidlife. Don’t have her but let DH spend time on Christmas Day with your blessing. My mother spent 22 years in the position that you are in putting up with a revolting MIL that made snide comments . Neither of my parents liked her it was just sense of duty. We really really shouldn’t have let her out such a stress on our family occasions. Just because someone is family they don’t have to be allowed to make you miserable.

Just take a moment and think that one day your son might be arguing with his wife about how awful it is to have you over on Christmas day because you sometimes make 'narky comments'.

If your son blocks you from his phone because he can't stand contact with you, then I'd say his wife's opinion is the least of your problems.

I told him that by saying he’s going to stay at his mums he is not being fair to ds. He said don’t you fucking dare bring ds into it or ill fucking divorce you. I told him to go and stay at his mums, he has gone to pack.

He told me if I don’t have her here he’ll be very resentful towards me!

Please reply someone, I don’t know what to do

He told me if I don’t have her here he’ll be very resentful towards me!

He's already treating you appallingly OP. His behaviour tonight has been disgusting, and caused by his selfishness. Let him go to his Mums and sleep easy tonight OP, tomorrow is another day. Don't let anybody treat you like this especially not your life partner lovely

let him pack, let him go. If you stop him, he wins, he wins the right to bully you, he wins the right to manipulate you, he wins the right to make all decisions even ones that hurt you, he wins the right to walk all over you, always. Let him go Lady, and get some sleep

He will be back. His anger comes from not wanting to go to his Mums, so going to his Mums is him losing control, the manipulating of you

He will be back.

What goes around comes around. One day many of us will be the ghastly MIL whose Christmas visit, or indeed any visit will be dreaded by her DIL or SIL! None of us are perfect. These so called horrible MILs brought up their child ..... your husbands ...... Without the MILs you wouldn’t have a husband.

He can fuck right off with that crap! He wants you to bow to his every wish, regardless of how miserable it makes you or his son, or he'll DIVORCE you?! Off he fucks then! It sounds like the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

very calmly try saying to him,

" i love you and ds and all i want is a pleasant family Christmas but your mum has form for ruining comfort for both of us in our home. can you not see that this is the bigger issue than her and her being left alone. narcissists feed off others and love stirring - they hate to be alone. The reason i want her away is her behaviour not because it's your mum"

Yes, Cynic, sounds like this poisonous woman raised a real prize! The OP should be on her knees thanking her!

What goes around comes around. One day many of us will be the ghastly MIL whose Christmas visit, or indeed any visit will be dreaded by her DIL or SIL! None of us are perfect. These so called horrible MILs brought up their child ..... your husbands ...... Without the MILs you wouldn’t have a husband.

so called

Let him go, he is being totally horrible.
Hope your ok

he sticks his head in the sand and won’t deal with her ‘for an easy life’. It’s easier to piss me off

The reality is in those last few words; he doesn't want her there either and has even chosen to block her, but he's too weak to deal with it like an adult and because she "shouts loudest" he prefers to manipulate you instead

I agree with PPs that you need to step right back and make it clear that he can either upset mummy or, to use your own words, "devastate DS" and yourself - his choice entirely

It will be interesting to see which he picks

He’s being a completely spineless, selfish wanker.

Do not cave in because it’s easier for him to make you do that, than find his spine.

Tell him if he’s going he needs to sort a bus/train/flying fox there and book a taxi home now because you will NOT be ruining your & DS’s CD ferrying him around.

He’s being a TOTAL SHIT now, you did NOT WIN the last two CD’s.

Tell him you are NOT discussing this further. She is NOT coming to yours & if HE wants to prioritise her over you and DS he has to organise transport because you will not be facilitating it.

It’s worrying me that you had abusive or absent parents/step parents, his mother is abusive, manipulative etc and sadly, he’s not coming out of this looking much better. It might be something you really need to think about.