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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MiL wants to come at Christmas. We don’t want her to.

295 replies

RobertDeNiro · 25/11/2018 20:15

We have a difficult relationship with MiL, always have had, ever since she tried to get some of Dh’s inheritance off him (from his dad, who had been divorced from her for years). She treats the people around her like dirt, and as a result has barely anyone left around her. We see her once every two months ish for about an hour through gritted teeth. She is prone to making narky comments when she comes round, for example saying I looked pregnant in the dress I was wearing, or comments about our house or whatever. She is also very strange and comes out with some very odd things.

Dh can sort of compartmentalise his relationship with her whereas I get so stressed when I know she’s coming that I feel anxious for the whole week.

She wants to come at Christmas this year on the day. She made some narky comments to dh about my relationship with my mother a few months ago (which is totally broken due to abuse when I was a child) and it was the last straw for me. I do not feel like ruining my Xmas by hosting her here and cooking her a nice Xmas lunch etc. I feel like she can sod off to be honest.

We haven’t seen her at Xmas for three years. Dh reckons we should have her here this year and that seeing crappy relatives is just part of the ‘joy’ of Xmas. She will be alone if she doesn’t come here.

I don’t want her here. Aibu?

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 25/11/2018 22:39

Yes, Cynic, sounds like this poisonous woman raised a real prize! The OP should be on her knees thanking her!

indeed Flowers

ButtonMoonLoon · 25/11/2018 22:40

Your husband is trying to manipulate you.
I would, very calmly, tell him that you respect his decision, you don’t agree with it, but you respect it, and look forward to seeing him when he decides to join you.
Do you have any friends you could invite to stay Christmas Eve?

Bugger being his chauffeur as well, knock that idea on the head!

How old is your son?

xandersmom2 · 25/11/2018 22:40

Some time apart might be a good idea right now, so I'd let him go. Let everyone cool down.

I'm curious why he thinks you should do what he wants to avoid him being resentful of you, but can't see that if you do give in then you'll resent him?

If it wasn't Christmas then there would eventually be another reason to be having this argument with him. He's choosing to prioritise someone other than his partner and child and that's not ok. Doesn't matter who the other person is. Had a similar issue with my DH trying to force his mother's preferences on me when we were first married. I made it very clear to both of thrm that it wasn't going to happen. That was a long time ago but it was horrible at the time so I understand your situation .

Jamiefraserskilt · 25/11/2018 22:42

Ok, so tell her to get a taxi to x pub where you will have booked you all in for Xmas dinner. Then book a taxi to collect her a few hours later.
No cooking for you
She sees the family
Xmas morning and evening to yourself
Job done.

Butterymuffin · 25/11/2018 22:43

Oh OP. How distressing to be told you don't get to have emotions or preferences and neither does DS, because it's all about him and his guilt. Let him go for now. Given that he can't actually stand to be around her, he'll be back and then maybe you can have a more balanced conversation.

BumbleBeee69 · 25/11/2018 22:43

OP are you okay Flowers

Singlenotsingle · 25/11/2018 22:44

He's going NOW??? Is he coming back or is he moving in with his mum? She's done a wonderful job of poisoning his mind.

He's digging a big hole for himself, and he expects you to stop him from jumping in it! Don't stop him, let him jump.

So he'll be very resentful towards you, will he? Oh dear! You'd resent it more if you were forced to have her at your house. (Tbh, I'd go out. I'm sure there are places open on Christmas day).

ILoveTreesInAutumn · 25/11/2018 22:46

Hold our nerve

He’s gone to pack, at 22:45. Let him.

Do not cave in now or it’s all fir nothing and like with a toddler will learn that all he has to do is scare you and you’ll back down

ajw88 · 25/11/2018 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LiquoricePickle · 25/11/2018 22:50

Don't do it. Boxing day if you really have to, but don't ruin Christmas for yourselves. She's alone because she's pushed everyone away.

ahouseofleaves · 25/11/2018 22:50

Wow. I'm sorry he is being an arse. Let him pack. His guilt does not mean he gets a free pass on treating you this way.

I'm so angry on your behalf.

ILoveTreesInAutumn · 25/11/2018 22:55

Hold tight.

Tough I know, but you need to.

seventhgonickname · 25/11/2018 22:57

Let him go tonight.Just tell him that you love him but since he is threatening divorce you would rather be alone as you have a lot to think about.If he tries to talk to you say that you don't want to argue just go.And repeat.
Dont argue anymore tonight,tonight you need to think about what the state of your relationship is really like that he would threaten to divorce you over his mum who he blocks on the phone.

SezziBaybee · 25/11/2018 22:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

MinecraftHolmes · 25/11/2018 23:00

He’s threatening divorce over this? How is the relationship normally?

WallisFrizz · 25/11/2018 23:03

Your DH wants his mum to visit for Christmas, she makes the odd “narky” comment and therefore you have encouraged him to cut her off.

I literally cannot imagine refusing my DH having his mum to visit for the third year running. I think you are massively projecting your own issues re family on to him. I’m not saying he’s behaved brilliantly but ffs he wants his mum not to be alone at Christmas. What about Christmas spirit? Charity? Caring? I do not think you come out of this well OP and yes you are equally as manipulative by the sound of it.

LifeImplosionImminent · 25/11/2018 23:04

It took me to page 5 of this thread before I realised your DH has a lot more of his mum in him than he or you realises . He has ruined Christmas either way. You either have to suffer him guilting you and the hassle of dropping him off when you could be enjoying the lead up to xmas with kids or suffer his bullying mum knowing she is more important than you and no doubt letting you know at every opportunity.

I don't know if you have an inner bitch but if you do, let her stay and give her hell any time she starts being toxic - tell her straight that her behaviour has led to her son being the only one stupid enough to want to spend time with her - she's probably too thick skinned to take it in but you may as well have something to look forward to and enjoy. Have some witty put downs that answer her usual crap ready - Let it all out and have a bit of fun!

krustykittens · 25/11/2018 23:05

Wallis Did you read the bit where the OP's H has blocked his mother from his phone as he is sick of her mithering? It is a lot more than the odd narky comment. And it is not unreasonable for someone who has endured years of abusive to say as an adult and as a parent that they are not accepting it anymore and certainly not in their own home.

Rosielily · 25/11/2018 23:05

You said in your original post she was difficult and treats people like dirt. She sounds manipulative. How she will be gloating now if your husband goes rushing back to her. She's won, hasn't she? Your husband is still tied to the apron strings. I feel for you, and I truly hope you manage to resolve this issue soon.

CottonTailRabbit · 25/11/2018 23:08

let him pack, let him go. If you stop him, he wins, he wins the right to bully you, he wins the right to manipulate you, he wins the right to make all decisions even ones that hurt you, he wins the right to walk all over you, always.

This

Dont argue anymore tonight,tonight you need to think about what the state of your relationship is really like that he would threaten to divorce you over his mum who he blocks on the phone.*

And this.

Hold firm. He will come back. It is damn hard fighting the FOG. Your backbone of steel will help him be stronger even though I'm sure it doesn't feel like that tonight.

WarCat · 25/11/2018 23:08

It's one day, I would suck it up. I couldn't leave my parents or in laws alone on Christmas Day, narky comments or not.

ChasedByBees · 25/11/2018 23:09

If he’s threatening divorce over this, the whole situation is very wrong. Some thinking time would be useful by the sound of it. Also if he really doesn’t get on with his mother, let him have the joy of spending a day or two with her - may help to decide the Christmas Day debate.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 25/11/2018 23:10

He has come up with two scenarios that might include his mother and the Op has suggested nothing. He wants to see his mother on Christmas Day. It's not unreasonable regardless of what a cow she might be.
Why can you not suggest a compromise and let her come over whilst you do volunteering or go to the pub.Yes it puts you out but it will be a few hours at most.
I think a lot of people chose partners that have familar patterns of behaviour.

BumbleBeee69 · 25/11/2018 23:11

It's one day, I would suck it up. I couldn't leave my parents or in laws alone on Christmas Day, narky comments or not.

Send OP you're address, I'm sure your invite for MIL will be greatly appreciated. Flowers

LizzieSiddal · 25/11/2018 23:11

He’s not tied to her apron strings as he has blocked her in his phone and hasn’t seen her for 3 years at Xmas!

I’d like to know why he’s decided this year he wants to see her when he hasn’t bothered previously. Tbh if this was my Dh I’d respect that decision as it isn’t every year. However, he’s being such a bellend now, I wouldn’t know what to do!