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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MiL wants to come at Christmas. We don’t want her to.

295 replies

RobertDeNiro · 25/11/2018 20:15

We have a difficult relationship with MiL, always have had, ever since she tried to get some of Dh’s inheritance off him (from his dad, who had been divorced from her for years). She treats the people around her like dirt, and as a result has barely anyone left around her. We see her once every two months ish for about an hour through gritted teeth. She is prone to making narky comments when she comes round, for example saying I looked pregnant in the dress I was wearing, or comments about our house or whatever. She is also very strange and comes out with some very odd things.

Dh can sort of compartmentalise his relationship with her whereas I get so stressed when I know she’s coming that I feel anxious for the whole week.

She wants to come at Christmas this year on the day. She made some narky comments to dh about my relationship with my mother a few months ago (which is totally broken due to abuse when I was a child) and it was the last straw for me. I do not feel like ruining my Xmas by hosting her here and cooking her a nice Xmas lunch etc. I feel like she can sod off to be honest.

We haven’t seen her at Xmas for three years. Dh reckons we should have her here this year and that seeing crappy relatives is just part of the ‘joy’ of Xmas. She will be alone if she doesn’t come here.

I don’t want her here. Aibu?

OP posts:
Mix56 · 26/11/2018 08:35

I would suggest counselling for your DP for Xmas,
I would say, OK, Xmas meal is simple ie. fish fingers & frozen peas, she arrives at midday, & leaves at 3o/c. You do the real Xmas the day before or after.
If she bad mouths you even once, you are removing myself from the house with DC, & it will be the last time ever. & mean it

Boredisboring · 26/11/2018 08:38

So she is coming for Christmas. Move on and think about how you are going to cope with those 3 hours. Suggestions:

  • DH wants his DM present, so it's his responsibility to help you to deal with it. If you have a clear idea of what MiL is doing to trigger you, DH can be primed to step in and assist. My DH has to do this with his very sexist DF. Comes down on him like a tonne of bricks if he utters anything even vaguely dodgy
  • Catch phrase bingo? Have some fun with DH at her expense. Work as a team.
  • Escape plan..take yourself for a very long walk

Any other ideas?

BumbleBeee69 · 26/11/2018 08:40

You feel let down because ultimately, your Husband has forced you into accepting MIL on Christmas Day, regardless of your anxiety and stresses about her appalling behaviour for decades. I'm so sorry OP Flowers

Solopower1 · 26/11/2018 08:43

Btw, PBobs, I'm glad you found a way of dealing with your situation. You are right - sometimes you have to stand up to bullies! And if this is what is happening with the OP, she should do as you did, if she can, and maybe the result would be that she doesn't have to have the MIL for Christmas. What worries me is that it might damage her relationship with her DH (and possibly DS).

SerenaOverjoyed · 26/11/2018 08:51

Oh wow OP. I'm really sorry. It sounds so tough, I really feel for you.

I have a horrid (but very different) MIL too. Thankfully I haven't seen her at Christmas Day for 4ish years, partly because she is not-so-secretly repulsed at the idea of spending the day with my very disabled brother (cheers bro! Grin). I do totally relate to dreading the visits and feeling on tenterhooks.

I think the secret is good teamwork with my DH. We own the problem together and work out a compromise, which is usually a celebration on xmas eve/nye/boxing day. Once that has been visiting xmas morning, which I liked as it got it over with.

I'd honestly be more upset about the shameless manipulation from DH. Threatening divorce is low and he needs to hear this, especially to a person with a turbulent family history.

For christmas itself, I suggest that you try to take a bit of control back. What is tolerable? Would it be tolerable for dh to get a taxi there mid morning for a cuppa and then return? Or have mil over strictly for lunch only with a return taxi booked? Find something that feels manageable for you.

I'd also suggest having something really good booked in for after christmas/new year, whatever that might be budget wise. Try to stretch out christmas so it's more than christmas day.

I do feel for you, this sounds really tough. There's a helpful forum on reddit called Just No MIL (JNMIL) which is amazing. Flowers x

OliviaBenson · 26/11/2018 08:56

I'm sorry your H ground you down so much. I could not respect him and would seriously think about things long term with him.

In the mean time, try and stay safe with the self harming. Does your H know things got that bad?

I have a dysfunctional family and I totally get where you are coming from.

SerenaOverjoyed · 26/11/2018 09:05

Should also say, if it is genuinely intolerable and will cause huge distress you need to keep making this clear and keep that foot down.

PBobs · 26/11/2018 09:13

Solopower1 - thanks so much. I really appreciate it. I do sometimes feel guilty and think maybe I'm a meany and then I have to remind myself of why I made the decision I did. I really appreciate you apologising though. I'm sorry I got a bit ratty. There are very few winners in all these cases - it's often a matter of damage limitation to be honest. xx

NicePieceOfPlaid · 26/11/2018 09:24

It's happening now and you need to plan what will cause the least grief.

Have a plan for what will happen in the 3 hours she is with you but save the best for before she gets there or when she's gone. If she behaves and it goes well, then fine. If she doesn't then your DH will need to grow a pair before next year.

GhostSauce · 26/11/2018 09:35

Has he agreed that she will get a taxi? I don't think it's fair to expect you to also go and pick her up.

Why can't he drive by the way?

Original poster
RobertDeNiro · 26/11/2018 09:48

She has said she will do a taxi both ways.

He failed his test several times over!

OP posts:
GhostSauce · 26/11/2018 09:50

What will he be doing to help on Xmas day? Will he be cooking/cleaning up/hosting her?

SnuggyBuggy · 26/11/2018 09:54

OP I think in the long run you two really need some counseling to help you deal with your awful childhoods and situations with your families as you have clearly both be wounded. I really hope you are able to get through this Christmas.

Solopower1 · 26/11/2018 09:58

PBobs, Agreed! Brew Brew X

Surfskatefamily · 26/11/2018 09:59

If i were you id accomadate to a certain degree. Let her know she is welcome from x time to y time..whatever that may be. Lunch dinner whatever suits you best

gamerchick · 26/11/2018 10:06

I'm sorry he worked on you so you'd cave Flowers I don't blame you for caving though.

So now it's damage control, maybe plan your Christmas day on another day for the dinner with trimmings if that was your plan. For the day itself maybe order Currys the night before and just heat them up so no slaving in the kitchen. Concentrate on playing with the kids while she's there and husband can amuse her. Or get the Board games out and just pass the time that way.

This doesn't have to be a washout but I would strongly advise having the Christmas day you want at some point over the holidays.

Solopower1 · 26/11/2018 10:16

OP, there's so much advice for you on here, I hope you find some of it useful. At least you know you're not alone.

One thing has occurred to me, which is that your MIL has worked hard to get an invite, so maybe she will realise how near she came to spending Christmas on her own and be on her best behaviour?

Good luck.

wingardium8 · 26/11/2018 10:26

Oh OP, I'm so sorry, what an awful couple of days, and now you have the worry that Christmas will be shit. But there are some positives...

  1. You've made the decision early, so you have a good few weeks to get over this stress and make a plan of how to deal with it
  1. DH and you will be able to deal with this together. Don't let MIL break you apart. He's been crap with his approach but he's clearly enmeshed into the guilt and is finding it hard too. Presumably he was feeling defensive and angry that he's in this situation, hence the threats. He's trying to do the right thing. Badly, but at least it's coming from a place of being a caring son and not just to piss you off.
  1. It's three hours on the day. 180 minutes. Count them off if you have to! Leave the room she's in as often as possible. It will end, and there will be plenty of Christmas when she's not there.
  1. Focus on the remainder of Christmas and try not to let any remaining stress and resentment bleed into that other time. Think about what you would most like to do at some point over Christmas and make sure that treat happens for you. Think of that when you're feeling stressed.
  1. Be proud of yourself for being the bigger person. It's a big deal to suck up something like this. You're making your DH's life easier (at the expense of your own) and it sounds like he will appreciate that, once the emotions have settled a bit. If not, remind him!!

I hope you are starting to feel better now the day has come. Nights after an argument can bring out the very depths of despair but things will improve. Try to find a treat or some alone time today to take some deep breaths and recharge Flowers

EllenCarver · 26/11/2018 10:28

I’m feeling sorry for your DH tbh. Both the women in his life seem adept at healing on guilt.

Rock - your DH - hard place.

Whether or not he only wants her there out of FOG - it’ll make him feel better if his conscience is clear.

Why are your feelings so much more important for the third year in a row?

EllenCarver · 26/11/2018 10:28

*heaping

Letsmove1t · 26/11/2018 10:28

OP can you ring MIL and tell her you’re happy for her to come over from x-y time BUT if there are any critical comments you will end the hospitality and she goes. That way you’re feelings are known, you are in control, she knows what to expect, tell yourDH and if she cancels- fab! If she comes it’s on your terms

EllenCarver · 26/11/2018 10:31

Oh yes I absolutely agree that the MIL needs warning firmly that any nonsense and she’ll be out the door.

I’m not suggesting bad behaviour should be tolerated.

The only two options are not a) not have her and b) have her and put up with her shit.

timeisnotaline · 26/11/2018 10:33

Ok she’s coming. The next conversation with your dh is : I am doing this for you. You may not be looking forward to this but you chose it. What are you going to do to make the rest of Christmas ok for me? To make it a bit special like Christmas should be?

Bluetrews25 · 26/11/2018 10:34

So sorry she is coming over. I think OP should stay sober on the day, then if there is any nastiness you can throw her in the car and take her back immediately. Taxis are not going to be that easy to get at short notice on Xmas day, are they? She may well not book the return one for as early as you would like.....
Personally, I'd prefer to be in the kitchen cooking, not out 'entertaining' and conversing with MIL.
After she's gone, write a list of all her wrongdoings (including the rows she caused before her arrival) to remind you of the full horror in future years, so 'never again' is adhered to.
DH can always block her emails, too.

BishBoshBashBop · 26/11/2018 10:34

I’m feeling sorry for your DH tbh. Both the women in his life seem adept at healing on guilt.

I agree tbh

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