MiL wants to come at Christmas. We don’t want her to.

[RobertDeNiro]

We have a difficult relationship with MiL, always have had, ever since she tried to get some of Dh’s inheritance off him (from his dad, who had been divorced from her for years). She treats the people around her like dirt, and as a result has barely anyone left around her. We see her once every two months ish for about an hour through gritted teeth. She is prone to making narky comments when she comes round, for example saying I looked pregnant in the dress I was wearing, or comments about our house or whatever. She is also very strange and comes out with some very odd things.

Dh can sort of compartmentalise his relationship with her whereas I get so stressed when I know she’s coming that I feel anxious for the whole week.

She wants to come at Christmas this year on the day. She made some narky comments to dh about my relationship with my mother a few months ago (which is totally broken due to abuse when I was a child) and it was the last straw for me. I do not feel like ruining my Xmas by hosting her here and cooking her a nice Xmas lunch etc. I feel like she can sod off to be honest.

We haven’t seen her at Xmas for three years. Dh reckons we should have her here this year and that seeing crappy relatives is just part of the ‘joy’ of Xmas. She will be alone if she doesn’t come here.

I don’t want her here. Aibu?

We’ve been arguing about it for two hours. I resent being made to feel forced to have the horrible cow round as much as he resents me saying I don’t want her here and don’t care that she’ll be alone.

You're going to have to reach some sort of compromise. None of this is ideal and if DH won't change his mind, you're going to have to work something out that is tolerable to both of you.

If DH is so keen to spend time with her and you really don't want her anywhere near you and DS. Could DH pick her up for lunch (eat out maybe?), then he goes back to hers for a while in the evening? He'd be around in the morning for presents then and you'd only have to tolerate her during the meal.

If she comes to yours, then get DH to pick her up just before lunch, so you have all morning without her. Let it get awful in the afternoon so you have a reason to refuse future visits. I wonder if it goes 'well' it might become a permanent feature, so you want to avoid that.

Doesn't he realise you are his family too? I would put up with her coming for lunch and making a swift exit if she can't behave herself.

I'd just tell him that his guilt isn't going to ruin your child's Christmas. Why should your son suffer because she can't behave better? He's a child and doesn't deserve to have his Christmas ruined - it's his parents' job to prevent that. If he wants to go, fine. But he doesn't get to ruin his wife and child's day so he doesn't have the discomfort of guilt. He doesn't get to sacrifice his own child to his cow of a mother.

Ah that’s another thing, he doesn’t drive! So muggins here is the chauffeur.

He’s arguing that I ‘won’ the last two Xmas by not seeing her so it’s only fair that I suck this one up. Thoughts?

We’ve been arguing about it for two hours. I resent being made to feel forced to have the horrible cow round as much as he resents me saying I don’t want her here and don’t care that she’ll be alone.

Just ask him outright: why is he prioritising his mother over his son? To whom does he owe a good Christmas, of the two of them?

If he's STILL arguing about it, then he doesn't really want to go round there Christmas day etc, he would simply have agreed to Him going round to his Mums and coming home Christmas afternoon.

So he IS manipulating/bullying you OP, what a cretin

Ah that’s another thing, he doesn’t drive! So muggins here is the chauffeur.

No. You are creating a Christmas your child can enjoy - with Dad away, that's even more important. He can sort transport out for himself if he chooses to go. That's his choice: again, your son's happy Christmas is your responsibility, not your husband's tangled relationship with his mother.

Agree with Bumblebee. He has no intention of exposing himself to his mother alone, as Target Number One. He wants you and his son there to buffer it. That's just a threat to try to get you to agree.

Tell him he's a grown man and the decision is his. But she won't be in your home ruining your Christmas and your son's. It's up to DH what he does, but he leaves the two of you out. You aren't his human shields.

Dh is saying he will go to hers and stay the night! Ds would be devastated if dh wasn’t here on Xmas day!

Bollocks will he! Just agree to this and watch him squirm. He won't expose himself to her without you there to absorb some of it.

Stick to your guns OP, don't allow them to bully you and ruin your Christmas. He wants to spend Xmas with her? Off he fucks.

I still wouldn't, I can relate and feel for you.
Christmas always brings the worse feelings out when there are family upsets.
I would stick to my guns I think and offer him sirens the Christmas morning with his, that's an absolute priority and maybe him and your son visit her after lunch and take a meal?
You stay home and do the washing up (put your feet up with wine and a film)

Sure as hell I wouldn't be driving her. Let her get and pay for a taxi. You don't want here with you. Why should you make life easy for her.

He doesn't want to go to hers - that's why he's banging on about it. Your responsibility is to your child, not a woman who makes your (and your DH's) life a misery. If she doesn't want to be alone maybe she should treat people better.

Reading the posts above I actually agree with them.... He is manipulating you, very wrong.
Tell him to book the taxi now to ensure there are no issues him staying with her

You can not control and you are not responsible for anyone else or the decisions they make.
All you are responsible for is trying your hardest to ensure DS has the best Christmas possible and you enjoy it too.

Having MIL there will definitely spoil your Christmas and will likely spoil DS’s Christmas, not having her there to spoil it is your choice.

Your DH not being there will negatively effect him, you and DS but that is not your choice, it’s his.

He can either choose to have a miserable Christmas away from his family or he can feel guilty for saying no to his mother.
All you can do is reiterate to him that it is his choice, you are DS will be devastated if he chooses not st spend Christmas with you both but it is his decision.

I strongly suspect he is mainly bluffing because he thinks your desire to to have him the will outweigh your dislike of MIL, but all he is doing is trying to transfer his guilt to you.
Don’t take it.

MIL has what she wants already - pitting you two against one another. she is Narcissist and toxic. Don't take the bait. Her past behaviour is reason enough why she is spending it alone she's spoiling for you two to fight. Remind DH that she has only got in touch when she wants something - not to apologise for her past conduct towards you but to impose herself on you for her own comfort.
Have roast MIL for Christmas dinner... and stuff her well and truly.

You can't make him do anything.

If he goes the night before it's is choice.

I'd drop him round (Not go in) and enjoy my time. Bet he's on the phone pretty quick the next morning wanting a lift back!!

I would also tell him to go. My father spends Christmas alone, but to be completely frank, some people do bring that on themselves. I would want to teach my son that you don’t have to tolerate people being rude and horrible to you just because they are family. I am normally the softest person in the world, but I can understand how you can be worn down to a point where you just can’t put up with it anymore

There will be hardly any taxis available Xmas Day - you might have had enough of her and not be able to get rid of her for HOURS.

For me, I'd be telling him that you have made a promise to yourself that no more toxic people could have a space in your home or life, and that you understand she is his Mum and he loves her and detests her at the same time, so by all means he can go to hers for Xmas Day and you and DS (age?) will have presents and dinner the day before or when he is home.

His loss. He doesn't drive, so it'll be YOU who has to stay sober to deal with her and drive her home. Fuck that. He just wants you to do what he wants but also put up with her behaviour and be there as a buffer for him.

He wants to spend Xmas with her, so let him. Send him with your blessing and tell her she's not welcome ever again at yours.

I’m so fucking angry with him, he sticks his head in the sand and won’t deal with her ‘for an easy life’. It’s easier to piss me off. I’m so disgusted that he said he’d go and stay there. Whether it’s manipulation or genuine putting her first to avoid an argument it fucking sucks.

You don't have to be guilt tripped into having an unpleasant person in your home on any day.
If your DH feels he needs to spend Xmas day with his DM then let him do so. Let him know that you are okay with him going and you and DS look forward to seeing him once he has done his duty by his DM.
I would offer to have dinner a little later when he returns and save some present opening until later.
You and DS can enjoy a relaxed morning together and DH can do what he needs to do then you can family time a bit later.
I would encourage and support this way forward, he can make this effort if he needs to and you will support it. You don't have to have your Xmas wrecked by mil.

I know you feel awful, but do NOT cave in.

His GUILT is misplaced. If HE can’t see that, there’s not much you can do about it, but if he chose to go to his mothers and not stay at home home with DS, yes, it would be a deal breaker.

He needs to grow up. He has blocked her, he doesn’t like her, he doesn’t want her there, but he’s not adult enough to prioritise his CHILD on CD over his GUILT?!

Do not have her in your home. Make it a nice day for you and DS - tell DS whatever white lie you have to.

Stop arguing about it with him. You won't have her in the house. He has decided to spend Christmas with her. It has been agreed. Neither of you are happy about it but that is the compromise you've agreed upon. Stop talking about it. Agree to him going and then shut up about it. Bite your tongue. I predict his visit will happen once, if at all.

The worst suffering will be on him not you or DS.

If he does actually go, your DS won't be devastated if you and DH present it in a matter of fact way. Lots of people don't get to have both parents at home at Christmas for all kinds of valid reasons from shift work to caring.

No fucking way should you drive him there.

well you answered your own question there OP - you need to make it so that it is NOT easier to piss you off.

You are NOT driving over Christmas, he can make his own arrangements.

Make sure you have a drink so you can't be manipulated into any last minute mercy dashes to collect him.