MiL wants to come at Christmas. We don’t want her to.

[RobertDeNiro]

We have a difficult relationship with MiL, always have had, ever since she tried to get some of Dh’s inheritance off him (from his dad, who had been divorced from her for years). She treats the people around her like dirt, and as a result has barely anyone left around her. We see her once every two months ish for about an hour through gritted teeth. She is prone to making narky comments when she comes round, for example saying I looked pregnant in the dress I was wearing, or comments about our house or whatever. She is also very strange and comes out with some very odd things.

Dh can sort of compartmentalise his relationship with her whereas I get so stressed when I know she’s coming that I feel anxious for the whole week.

She wants to come at Christmas this year on the day. She made some narky comments to dh about my relationship with my mother a few months ago (which is totally broken due to abuse when I was a child) and it was the last straw for me. I do not feel like ruining my Xmas by hosting her here and cooking her a nice Xmas lunch etc. I feel like she can sod off to be honest.

We haven’t seen her at Xmas for three years. Dh reckons we should have her here this year and that seeing crappy relatives is just part of the ‘joy’ of Xmas. She will be alone if she doesn’t come here.

I don’t want her here. Aibu?

let him go OP, if he can miss his DS's Christmas morn, that tells you all you need to know about his priorities.

Just because she gave birth doesn't mean she gets to be an arsehole ffs. One of my GP talks to my dm like shit and last time I was there and witnessed it I told her to buck it up or I'd stop visiting and encourage dm to do the same (dm would never not visit though)

If your dh would rather appease his dm than his ds he's an arsehole also.

What night does dh plan on staying there, Xmas eve or Xmas day? Could you have a late Christmas lunch so she comes to you at 3 and goes home at 6.

The spirit of Christmas is clearly alive and well on this thread.

DH is trying to bluff.

I say raise the stakes - accept his offer.

He’ll fold.

I'm staggered any parent would prioritise a parent they can't even stand over their own child on Christmas day! Which I suspect means he's simply trying to manipulate you so I'd call his bluff. If he really would spend the day with her rather than his son then that means you have far bigger problems!!

I'd have her and say shes welcome but she has to be nice all day. If shes not then she has to go home straight away.

Just say no and mean it. Have you got anyone you, and possibly dc can go to? Book a premier inn if you can afford it. No xmas is better than a bad Xmas
Ask your dh why his mum is on her own? Can your son go with him to mil for a couple of hours, why is he staying overnight? Can't he get a taxi?
He needs to have a rethink

He’s saying he’s going for Xmas eve night and will come back on Xmas day at some point. I told him I’m being manipulated. He said no, I’m leaving him no choice, he hasn’t seen her for 3 years at Xmas so he has to see her this year. Sounds like she heaps a fucktonne if guilt on him.

Ps I can't stand this attitude of "it's the spirit of Christmas to bend to the will of nasty, abusive people". Erm, no it's not. You reap what you sow. And if my DH prioritised the wishes of someone who was toxic and unpleasant (assuming your Mil is of course, and isn't just annoying) then I would be reassessing how I felt about him

Knobheads don't get to guilt family into suffering their presence. She's alone on that day because she has been vile to others who have decided not to bother with her anymore. Why should your day be shit because she's horrible. Your son should come first for your DH, not his awful mother.

Oh dear god. I don't think you know how bad it can be, some families are really toxic. We all have to put up with difficult people, and those we don't like much but there is another level. Shouldn't have to put up with that

Well if he is being given the choice between appeasing a nasty parent he can't stand himself, or his wife and child, then he's making the wrong choice!! Yes he is totallya manipulating you. I would calmly call his bluff

His argument is that I’m forcing his hand on this!

I don't think you can stop your DH from spending time with his mother. So your choice is either to suck it up or accept that he won't be with you the whole day.

I'd be inclined to suck it up, on the agreement that it won't happen again for a few years and that he's doing the cooking.

Let him go, knobhead. He'll have a lovely time, not, and remember why he didn't go last year. Idiot.

To be fair, you are. You are making him choose between you and his mother.

Stop putting yourself first and put your dh first.
He really wants his mum to come for Christmas. Host her, have an your family together. Make the best of things.
Part of being a grown up is making the best of things. Slap on a smile and get on with it.

Maybe him staying with her on Xmas eve is the better choice, just make sure you're out when he gets home

Ask him why he feels like He has to prioritise her over you and the dc?

I can't believe he would rather spend Christmas with his mum instead of his son !

His argument is that I’m forcing his hand on this

Call his bluff.

You need to take a break and have a sensible calm conversation about this.

Ask him (calmly) how it's he see it realistically working with your child (who will be very sad if daddy isn't there). how is that fair?

you need to come up with a compromise if he wont budge.

I think theoretically going to her house (as long as you drive) gives you more control about about timings but if she comes to yours and cabs are booked i think it's better.
if you are at hers, your "D"H can refuse to leave/insist on staying longer but if a taxi comes she needs to get in it. end of.

Tell him he's prioritising spending Christmas with a woman who is nasty to you, and that's just not right, even if it is his mother. Why should your Christmas be ruined so he doesn't have to feel guilt by someone he himself has blocked on most forms of contact because she's so obnoxious?

Tell him to go, then, if that's who he'd prefer to spend Christmas with, because you deserve to be happy in your own home on Christmas, not treated with nastiness and contempt, especially over the abuse you suffered as a child at the hands of your own mother.

I'd suck it up for my husband's sake. I'd make it absolutely clear to him that it would be for 1 day only, no overnights and he would have to tell her that any bad behaviour or rudeness won't be tolerated. I'd also cook so I could stay out of her way for at least part of the day. It's one Christmas and you can enjoy boxing day knowing you did the selfless thing for your family and thank your lucky stars she won't be there next year.