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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MiL wants to come at Christmas. We don’t want her to.

295 replies

RobertDeNiro · 25/11/2018 20:15

We have a difficult relationship with MiL, always have had, ever since she tried to get some of Dh’s inheritance off him (from his dad, who had been divorced from her for years). She treats the people around her like dirt, and as a result has barely anyone left around her. We see her once every two months ish for about an hour through gritted teeth. She is prone to making narky comments when she comes round, for example saying I looked pregnant in the dress I was wearing, or comments about our house or whatever. She is also very strange and comes out with some very odd things.

Dh can sort of compartmentalise his relationship with her whereas I get so stressed when I know she’s coming that I feel anxious for the whole week.

She wants to come at Christmas this year on the day. She made some narky comments to dh about my relationship with my mother a few months ago (which is totally broken due to abuse when I was a child) and it was the last straw for me. I do not feel like ruining my Xmas by hosting her here and cooking her a nice Xmas lunch etc. I feel like she can sod off to be honest.

We haven’t seen her at Xmas for three years. Dh reckons we should have her here this year and that seeing crappy relatives is just part of the ‘joy’ of Xmas. She will be alone if she doesn’t come here.

I don’t want her here. Aibu?

OP posts:
MaintainTheMolehill · 25/11/2018 21:26

He obviously feels he can't leave her on her own and the guilt wouldn't be worth it. He's desperately trying whatever he can to get you to agree (wrongly).
I couldn't stand in the way knowing how strongly the man I loved felt, it's his mum.
Have her for Christmas day, it's one day and it will make him happy. There's plenty of Christmas's to come when she won't be here and you don't want the guilt that he missed this year with her.

timeisnotaline · 25/11/2018 21:26

I’d consider doing it once in order to earn the right to say never again will I let your mother ruin Christmas. Yes she’s your mother and yes I married you but I do not deserve to have that woman in my Christmas.

Tcga745 · 25/11/2018 21:28

I am afraid to say that I think that you should invite her, although I sympathise. It is about more than one day and you need to do your best to ensure that you are beyond recrimination in the future.
We will have my Pils AGAIN this year. My Fil is a truly dreadful man, the kids don’t like him, I don’t like him, my dh doesn’t like him (don’t think my mil likes him either) he is greedy, rude, misogynistic, homophobic, racist and just awful. It will be a five day visit and dh has to drive 300 miles to get them etc etc.
I strongly believe though that at Christmas of all times you should welcome those who may be lonely or alone even when it is almost beyond difficult and I also don’t want my dh to turn ‘round to me when his father has died and resent that I would not let him come for Christmas.
So the kids and I will grin and bear it, ply him with mince pies and gin, make cauliflower cheese even though it’s not traditional and laugh at his ridiculous/ offensive comments and quote them back to each other at inappropriate points through out the year....
Good luck!

RobertDeNiro · 25/11/2018 21:29

The thing is, he doesn’t want her here either! He can’t stand her! It’s completely guilt which he just admitted.

OP posts:
EmbraRocks · 25/11/2018 21:29

I honestly never can understand that just because someone gave birth to you- they are meant to be forgiven for shitty toxic behaviour!

AdobeWanKenobi · 25/11/2018 21:29

Like fuck would I be sucking that up. If he wants to spend time with her over his family then let him do so. Meanwhile op if it's not to late book yourself and DC into a nice restaurant and have a nice lunch out.
If he comes home expecting to be fed he'd be out of luck.

Solopower1 · 25/11/2018 21:29

Are people born nasty, or do they just end up that way, I wonder?

I'm sorry the thought of her coming stresses you out for the week beforehand, and I understand it, having hated the way my in-laws used to plonk themselves on me for a fortnight, never telling me when they were planning to leave, sleeping in my bed, so I had to sleep downstairs, expecting to be waited on hand and foot ... I do know what it's like.

But. It's one day. Your MIL has lived her life being horrid to people and finding that they are horrid back. Try something different, and be kind to her. You are surrounded by people you love and who love you. You can be generous. Try being kind to her, and see if she can be kind back. Chances are neither of you will change much, but you will get all the Brownie points for months to come ...

That would at least be a better model for your children to follow. One day you might be a MIL, and on your own on Xmas day, especially if you show him that it's OK to treat someone that way.

Loonoon · 25/11/2018 21:29

We have a lot of people on Christmas Day because family dynamics mean it has to be that way. For our immediate family (which means my DH and I and our DC) ‘proper Christmas’ happens on Boxing Day when it’s just us and we eat left overs and crisps and salad, watch TV and open our presents. It came out of necessity but it’s now a much loved tradition. Could you try something like that? A lunch on the day so your DH feels less guilty but save some of the special bits for when she has gone?

RobertDeNiro · 25/11/2018 21:29

Fucking Christmas honestly. Pile of shit.

OP posts:
Gitfeatures · 25/11/2018 21:30

I'd allow her to come for the meal - no more - on the proviso that DH warns her in advance that any twattery and she'll be out the door.
Keep the taxi on speed dial and give her the burnt spuds.

perfectstorm · 25/11/2018 21:30

Tell him to go. It'll be a tough year on you all, but from what you say a single year on his own with her will sort the problem out nicely. He won't have you and DS there to dilute her behaviour, or draw it away from him. If he can't even handle her on his phone, how will he manage one on one time in person, for hours?

I'm lucky - when I used to invite MIL from guilt, DH was the one trying to stop it. I learned my lesson when she started targeting DS. Aged 5. Never bloody again. I figured a houseful would mean nobody had her causing too much drama, but I thought wrong.

Singlenotsingle · 25/11/2018 21:30

Just let him go. He's being driven by his conscience. You're quite right not to let her come to yours and you'll have a nice quiet toxic-free Christmas. He won't enjoy his, and he'll be glad to get home afterwards.

perfectstorm · 25/11/2018 21:31

I'd take bets on when on Christmas Day he'd return. My money would be around Christmas lunch!

BumbleBeee69 · 25/11/2018 21:32

His argument is that I’m forcing his hand on this!

tell him in your nicest calmest voice, Ok that's fine, you go to your Mums, and you and DS will have a lovely Christmas morning, and will see you on your return. Grin

he is MANIPULATING you, trying to force your hand into accepting his Mum round, so don't argue with his decision, he wants to go to his abusive Mums, hell let him, send some Christmas pies with him, to show good will too OP.

He'll be backtracking like a Bull out a Chinashop. Flowers

Maelstrop · 25/11/2018 21:33

Get him to Google FOG. He's clearly enmeshed in it. He surely can't be prioritizing the mother he detests over you and the DC? Then he'll piss off you if he goes!

RobertDeNiro · 25/11/2018 21:33

My grandad died this year and my grandma is dying too. My mum is an awful person, my dad never cared, my stepdad was a violent fucker, I’m so sick of horrible people in my life, I can’t bear it.

OP posts:
JudgeRulesNutterButter · 25/11/2018 21:36

The thing is, he doesn’t want her here either! He can’t stand her! It’s completely guilt which he just admitted.

So then you’re not doing it for the sake of your MIL, it’s for the sake of your DH. He’s done three years without her, he’s blocked her phone, he’s clearly doing his best to escape the FOG. But he wants to alleviate his guilt and see her this Christmas.

I’d do that for my DH. But it does suck. Flowers

JudgeRulesNutterButter · 25/11/2018 21:37

X-post OP So sorry, that really does sound awful. Flowers

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 25/11/2018 21:37

YANBU. And I'm totally in favour of families spending Christmas together if their relationship is halfway reasonable. But in this case the woman sounds like a total weapon, so she doesn't get to ruin your Christmas Day.

Your DH should still see her over the Christmas of course.

Singlenotsingle · 25/11/2018 21:38

You've more than done your duty, it's not compulsory to put up with shitty people.

BumbleBeee69 · 25/11/2018 21:39

OP you do not have to tolerate awful people in your life. It is a fallacy that you must endure these people, because Society deems you must bear it, it's just one day, when it is not.

Well let's be honest, it is THE DAY, and I certainly learned that hard way that those awful people in life, will not cross my door on That Day or any other.

Don't be manipulated into acceptance either, think of your Son, nobody else Flowers

Doubletrouble99 · 25/11/2018 21:41

Have you looked into going out for lunch then you can control how long you have to put up with her and maybe just maybe she would behave herself better if out!!

CottonTailRabbit · 25/11/2018 21:45

You are not forcing his hand. His misplaced guilt is forcing his hand.

How about taking the following line with him. Whoever spends Christmas with her will have a miserable time. So he truly believes that he has to spend this particular Christmas with her. OK, then he can go with your blessing. You really appreciate him shielding you and your son from spending Christmas with her. Good on him for taking one for the team. See how long before he decides maybe she doesn't desperately need him after all.

Solopower1 · 25/11/2018 21:47

Yes, think of your son, as BumbleBeee69 says, and show him that although the people around you have behaved so horribly - and it sounds as if they have let you down big time - you are not like them and you can show him a better, more generous, way to behave. He will love and respect you for it.

What do you think are your chances of winning this one? What do you want to happen? If you think you are likely to end up giving in, then do it sooner rather than later, and with a good grace.

But I do feel really sorry that you might have to go through this.

Solopower1 · 25/11/2018 21:48

Well, that you are going through this, now. Sad