MiL wants to come at Christmas. We don’t want her to.

[RobertDeNiro]

We have a difficult relationship with MiL, always have had, ever since she tried to get some of Dh’s inheritance off him (from his dad, who had been divorced from her for years). She treats the people around her like dirt, and as a result has barely anyone left around her. We see her once every two months ish for about an hour through gritted teeth. She is prone to making narky comments when she comes round, for example saying I looked pregnant in the dress I was wearing, or comments about our house or whatever. She is also very strange and comes out with some very odd things.

Dh can sort of compartmentalise his relationship with her whereas I get so stressed when I know she’s coming that I feel anxious for the whole week.

She wants to come at Christmas this year on the day. She made some narky comments to dh about my relationship with my mother a few months ago (which is totally broken due to abuse when I was a child) and it was the last straw for me. I do not feel like ruining my Xmas by hosting her here and cooking her a nice Xmas lunch etc. I feel like she can sod off to be honest.

We haven’t seen her at Xmas for three years. Dh reckons we should have her here this year and that seeing crappy relatives is just part of the ‘joy’ of Xmas. She will be alone if she doesn’t come here.

I don’t want her here. Aibu?

Oh dear. Well you have caved so you will have to go through with it now.

Short term: Do you have a dog? Taking the dog for VERY LONG walks was my saviour when I had to deal with toxic PILS. If not, don't be afraid to challenge her if/when she is "narky".

Long Term: The apple hasn't fallen far from the tree has it?

That was a manipulative thing to do ... self harm because you're not getting your own way. You are giving him an ultimatum here - me or your mother - of course it's not a walk in the park for him to deal with. If you don't invite her for Christmas you will be putting an end to their relationship forever, you do realise that don't you?

Very ignorant Hojas and weirdly manipulative of you yourself. There is no sense in which OP has to take responsibility for the parlous state of her DH's relationship with his mother.

OP, sympathies for your situation and your history. I agree with pp that your DH is taking out on you the stress and guilt he feels from his inability to manage his mother's behaviour satisfactorily. I'm not excusing his behaviour, but neither do I think it's random cruelty. You have to have experienced the behaviour of a narcissistic parent to understand how difficult it is to handle and I think a lot of the LTB style reaction you're getting on this thread is from people who just don't get it.

I think the key thing for you, both now and going forward, is for you and DH to work together on this. Sowing the seeds of marital discord and having him fight with you instead of her is exactly what she wants. I think long term he is not doing such a bad job of preventing that, what with blocking her on the phone etc, but she's obviously waged a nasty campaign by email and he's having a wobble. Personally, I do not think the solution is to give in over Christmas, but rather to galvanise him to keep up the good work when he's already laid such good foundations, but if it's certain that she's coming you need to think about longer term strategies.

You've obviously talked a lot since last night and you need to talk some more to find a way for him to be able to refuse her demands while not going pop from the stress of dealing with her. I don't know exactly what that is, but I think there is an answer if you talk enough. Maybe it's time for him to go completely NC. Or maybe he just needs to block her emails so he can stop the daily drip drip drip and think straight. Maybe he just needs to stop reading them the minute they arrive - if he saved them til Friday night each week and you read them together and had a laugh at her ridiculousness it might take the sting out of it all. Are there siblings in this picture? Does DH have people who understand how awful she is whose way of handling her he can learn something from? Just some random ideas, I'm sure there are others.

One other thing - if she really is coming at Christmas, I think you need to be braced for the fact that there will be some kind of scene, because she's been given an 'in' and will undoubtedly try to capitalise on it. I think you need to discuss this with DH in advance and be ready to present a united front or this woman could do real damage to your marriage. If it were me, I'd be having a look at winter sun deals for you, DH and DS, with a view to nixing her Christmas plans after all tbh.

"she has heaped a mass of guilt on him, and that roughly every two days she emails him begging to come down."

And now she's learned that this is what works, he'll get these earlier and more frequently now every Christmas from here on out. Narcissists need maximum attention and validation all the time and are expert at learning what gets them that.

Sorry, bit of an essay. Chin up, OP.

OP bless you ...can i make a suggestion? Sometimes in life we all have to do things we don't want to..like having a smear test or a tooth out with extra root canal treatment...what I am trying to say is despite your OH s appalling behaviour to you a way to calm yourself is to think of her visit like that...something to be endured but over with fairly quickly! I have to drive twice a year maybe more if he gets his way hundreds of miles to his family all of whom make me want to vomit in one way or the other..I grumble to myself all day long and grit my teeth knowing that soon it will be over and i can be back home safe and sound and in peace once again..then I never give them a second thought until the next time I am expected to do it...Please dont let her infringe on your thoughts any longer...I know its hard but you have to blank her out of your day to day life and focus on what is right for you.I promise if you do this your mental health will be a lot better.No one has won in your situation...your perfect xmas you had planned in your head is gone ...so now its a damage litigation exercise...She comes she eats she watches the queens speech then she goes..You focus on your child not her ..she fits in with you.It wont be so easy for her either really it wont cos she has to walk in to a home where shes obviously not wanted ,so she will be on the back foot to start with.But fill your day with lovely things and continue with your child ...its worth a bit of eye rolling to be honest.Meanwhile I would suggest to your husband in a few days when calm has been restored that you get to gether and plan your day..So her taxi arrives at say 1 pm you sit down to eat at 1.30 you exchange gifts at say 2pm then she has a sherry and fooks off at 3.15 where a taxi will be waiting and pre ordered for her to get her back home safely before it gets dark.If you think in your own head and break it down in to half hour slots its much easier to handle...also you get to tick off each half an hour in your head as a victory! I know you dislike her she will know too but after say 3 hrs shes gone from your lives...You dont even need to speak with her that much either..Do you want a drink MIL? More sprouts MIL? Top up with wine MIL? end off ..cos you will be busy intentionally so as to be out of the way for most of the time and playing with your child.Make the christmas about your child she is just on the sidelines.I hope you can find the strength to deal with this.Then after christmas is over and done with I suggest you sit down quietly and say to your husband how he has made you feel how he has lost any respect you had for him and going forward you will not ever have a repeat of this years drama...she is not welcome in your home,,you are not going to engage with her further he deals with her soley on his own.You will also point out you forfilled your side of the bargain this xmas for him and him alone but its done and finished your relationship with her and you will not be blackmailed ever again by him....I know you dont feel like it no but really you are in a powerful position if only you can play it right.....I believe you are strong enough to get through this .if only to make the best christmas you can for your child....Best Wishes sent...now bath long and hot do your hair put a bit of lippy on and fuck em! Let it come for xmas and let it go without a second thought ,,,You can fool em both now lovely lady thats winning!!!!

If DH did divorce OP, he'd have to deal with his mother every Christmas all by himself!

5pm comes, she gets packed off into her taxi, you can relax for the rest of the day, everyone is happy
I can't believe people's responses. By 5 the whole day will be f***d, the week leading up will have been crap due to the OP's growing anxiety. The MIL will no doubt drop a few guilt enduring comments or criticisms on her DS if not OP too to ensure they feel shit for the rest of the week and the DS's wonderful Xmas day will be overshadowed by the stress of the impending and actual visit. And rather than a happy family time OP spends the day in the kitchen providing for a miserable old bat. And DMIL being who she is the 3pm/5pm whatever leave time will no doubt spin this out and then she's won again.

Jesus, OP. What a mess. And self harming? Abusive parents? I don't think you need mumsnet. I think professional guidance is the only way to go here, for both of you. You are both screaming to be heard the loudest but no one is actually listening and this goes much deeper than Christmas Day.

Please seek professional help so that your mariage and your child aren't further casualties in this destructive mess.

"If DH did divorce OP, he'd have to deal with his mother every Christmas all by himself!"

He would. And it would no doubt be a darn sight less stressful for him.

I agree with previous posts, OP needs to work on how she deals with people/situations she does not like. Days of anxiety and self harming over not having a good relationship with someone she barely has to even deal with is worrying. The answer is not for her to avoid every situation she finds difficult.

Well, it was wrong of him to manipulate you, but it is what it is for now.

I think the best thing for you to do now is to start formulating your 'plan'. How to best deal/minimize the situation. It helps me feel more in control in a stressful situation if I know I have a plan.

Right, the first thing I'd do is lock down the timeframe. With her taking a taxi, that in a way puts her in 'control' of her coming and going. Can you prebook for her with specific times, or at the least the 'departure time'? Along with this, your DH needs to learn to drive unless he has an air-tight medical reason not to.

I'd tell DH to do the cooking. It can be his 'payment' for putting you through this. Or, consider whether or not cooking yourself would be worth it to be able to stay in the kitchen, alone.

Next, plan an 'escape route'. When you're in a situation where things might start to get bad, knowing you have a place to go can be a real help. A friend's? A hotel (this would be hard without pre-booking)? Plead sudden D & V and lock yourself in the loo? Retreat to the bedroom with a sudden migraine? At any rate, don't be afraid to tell yourself "I've had enough" and make yourself scarce.

I also think you need to accept that your DH is most likely NOT going to challenge her immediately if she starts her snarking. So you need to formulate a plan as to what you plan to do there. Ignore or confront.

Above all, you need to make plans for after Xmas. And I suggest counseling. For both of you. Separately at first as you both need someone to hear you regarding your respective families. Then later, together to work out the problems in your marriage.

Good luck!

YY to counselling. It sounds like you've both been through a lot.

Never understood why the lament: 'without MiL you wouldn't have a husband' should be viewed as a reason to tolerate atrocious behaviour. It won't fly. A child doesn't ask to be born, nor is said child under obligation to feel grateful for the remainder of his days for the fact that she 'gave him life'. That's even less the case with an in-law. And with your history you're entitled to expect better for yourself than one more Christmas of suffering rude, disrespectful, toxic people.

OP I'd book the taxi for her. Or get your DH to. That way you know how long you have her and you can pay for it as a nice gesture. Get him to ring her to say "I thought I'd book the taxi for 12 and the return at 1700".

We are going to tell her we are going to a relatives house for tea so she will need to be gone by mid afternoon.

We were talking today and decided we need a change, of location and perhaps his job too. We currently live surrounded by painful memories re my family history and he has a shite journey to work from here so we’d like to change things.

And yes, I know I’m a mess for self harming. And yes we have been through a lot. And my sh wasn’t merely down to not being able to cope with my mil, it was a massive build up of a million events and feeling frustrated and exhausted.
Thanks everyone for responding. I’m going to leave the thread now as the matter is settled and I want to try and move on positively.

Hope you can make some positive changes and move on happily together x

I'm not saying relocating might not help. Distance always does. But do remember that wherever you go, there you are. You don't magically get rid of your baggage just because you change locations. I still think counseling would benefit both of you. You both deserve to have the happiest and most positive lives you can live, free from the events of the past.

Also (and I'm not trying to discourage you) ask yourselves what you'll do if MiL then starts proposing coming to you for an overnight (or more) because the distance is 'too much to travel in one day'. Of course if you're considering moving to Timbuktu, that hopefully won't happen!!

Well done to you and your husband for talking things through & moving forward positively. You're doing a kind thing by your MIL, thinking of each other's feelings & setting a great example to your child all in one.

Next, plan an 'escape route'. When you're in a situation where things might start to get bad, knowing you have a place to go can be a real help. A friend's? A hotel (this would be hard without pre-booking)? Plead sudden D & V and lock yourself in the loo? Retreat to the bedroom with a sudden migraine? At any rate, don't be afraid to tell yourself "I've had enough" and make yourself scarce.

She's having a few hours with a mother in law she doesn't particularly get on with on Christmas day, not Ted flipping Bundy

Good always comes out of bad

'well done for uniting and moving on - literally moving'

Just don't tell mother bear when you've actually moved...

Ensure you book the taxi back, lest the one she booked be 'late'.