Paying for DS holiday with ex??

[shamalawa]

A long, waffly one. Sorry.

have a (lovely lovely) DS who is 14. I left his dad when DS was 4, we were together too young, he was useless and lazy, fell out of love etc. We get on 'ok' but he's always been flakey with DS. Often cancels contact weekends, very rarely phones to chat to him etc. XP (LazyDad) has also never given any money toward DS - he has always had a very low paying job and as I earned well I didn't bother chasing him for anything. I think also out of misplaced guilt for leaving him I felt bad for even considering asking (foolish, yes but here we are)

Anyhoo, fast forward ten years and he's still as flaky as ever (has seen DS twice this year so far). I received a text from his DP, let's call her Kim.
I really really like Kim, she looks after DS v well when he visits - really makes an effort, she sends DS little gifts through the post etc. I've got a lot of time for her and we get on well.

Kim "hey Sha, I've been thinking about LazyDads bday next March and really want to surprise him and DS with a holiday to Barbados. LazyDad will get to see his family who live out there, DS will get to meet his cousins, aunties uncles etc"

Me: "wow that's a great idea, DS would love that - here are DS half term dates, if you could work it so he doesn't miss any school, or a day or 2 at most, that would be fab!"

Kim: "thanks soooo much, it will be a great surprise for them both. I feel really cheeky though, could you pay for DS flight?"

Argh!!!
I'm now married and a SAHM however my DH is a very high earner, which Kim is aware of. I feel guilty because we would be able to afford it without much thought BUT it's the principle isn't it?
ExDP hasn't paid a PENNY for DS and DH pays for literally everything as I'm now not working - including private school fees. The thing is, because it's Kim that's asking me I would feel really bad saying no.
DH said ultimately it's my decision BUT he thinks it's taking the piss a bit.

I also don't know if Kim is aware of the extent to which LazyDad pays NOTHING it's very possible he tells her he does?
Kim has only recently started back at work so I know she hasn't got much spare cash and if we don't cough up for DS it's likely the trip won't go ahead (or maybe they just won't take DS?). She has said she will cover accommodation, food and spending money.
I know DS would enjoy the trip and love meeting his cousins and experiencing the culture from that side of his family (because God knows his dad doesn't provide anything in terms of this...!)

But WIBU to say no???

I'd say yes.

If you can't afford a trip to Barbados then don't suggest a trip to Barbados.

I wouldn't say yes. I wouldn't dream of asking dh's ex to put her hand in her pocket to pay if we wanted to take dsc on holiday. If we can't afford to take them too, we don't go.

Normally I’d be saying no way don’t pay to something like that. But if it’s a chance for your ds to meet a lot of his family and you think he would get a lot from it, and you can do it without it impacting on your own finances I think I probably would in this instance.

It is cheeky, but it sounds like a really fantastic opportunity for your ds. I'd probably say yes

No way would I be funding their holiday to Barbados! He hadn't paid a penny towards DS upkeep for a DECADE and then want YOU to pay THEM to go to Barbados 😱 god I'm livid on your behalf

I’d pay. Kim sounds lovely and it is great she’s including your DS in the trip. If you can afford to, do it.

I think it is very cheeky, not even asking you for half of the fare but the full amount. I expect they will ask you for something to cover his meals and spends too nearer the time. Think I would just say no, but I would say that to your ex not to Kim.

Kim isn't lovely.
She supports a man who is failing to financially support his dc.
She should be offering the funds for op +ds to holiday if she is feeling so flush!

Difficult one this.

I would say no and explain why to both Kim and your son. Say you'll cover spending money, new clothes, vaccinations etc, but not the actual cost of the holiday.

I think I'd say yes, she obviously treats your DS well and wants to include him. If you can afford it, take your ex out of the picture and see it as an opportunity for your son to travel, meet his family etc.

Your ex really should be the one facilitating this but the fact is, he wont and if you have the means to help it happen then go for it.

Ha ha ha-it's got to be a joke, because that's ridiculous!

Will Kim and LazyDad tell him that he was invited but you didn't pay so he can't go?

How can they afford Barbados if he can't afford child support? A big fat no from me.

Will Kim and LazyDad tell him that he was invited but you didn't pay so he can't go?

As far as I'm aware I don't think LazyDad knows of the plan as she wants it to be a surprise.
I would have no qualms explaining exactly to DS why we didn't pay (if we don't) and he's smart enough to have worked out a while ago what the lay of the land is in regards to his dad and his lack of financial support

He hadn't paid a penny towards DS upkeep for a DECADE and then want YOU to pay THEM to go to Barbados 😱**

I know 😫 I feel like I really wish she hadn't asked. I feel in an awkward position.

I would be torn over this. On one hand I wouldnt want to enable ex dh to play father of the year to his extended family but on the other side I would want ds to meet his cousins and experience his fathers culture. I think on balance I would probably agree but it would still piss me off to pay when lazy dad has done nothing for his son.

Kim sounds lovely and it is great she’s including your DS in the trip. If you can afford to, do it.

This was my initial feeling but seeing DH raise his eyebrows when I explained it made me cringe. DH doesn't EVER complain about supporting DS fully but I can imagine that was a bit of a stinger.

Just wasn't sure if we were BU but it seems pretty mixed

If I had the money, I'd do it. I'd be silently raging but I'd do it for DS. But I think you need more info really. Who will be coughing up sending money etc while he's out there? Holiday clothes? Is it going to end up where she's asking for contributions for X,y,z as well and you feel you can't say no now as you've already spent £££ on flights?

It's cheeky of her to ask but I'd pay it - especially if you can afford it easily. Don't think of it as a holiday for XP/Kim, they can clearly afford to go without your DS. It's a trip for your son, and a chance for him to feel more connected with the other half of his family despite his father's failings. And it's a good age for it too, it will pave the way for him maintaining his own relationships into adulthood.

I would do it for ds, assuming he wants to go.
Nothing else matters.

" I've been thinking about LazyDads bday next March and really want to surprise him and DS with a holiday to Barbados"

So she's basically asking you to contribute towards your ex's birthday present?

And then ex gets to play "Dad of the Year" in front of him family?

YANBU to say no to that!

Where will the contribution requests end though? Weather appropriate clothes? Food costs? Spending money? If you commit to offering flight money you will be railroaded for much more imo.
Back out now, further down tbis financial road you will be blamed for ds being unable to go if you don't cough up.

Well I would have said do it but I see how you are torn. It sounds as if your DH is an amazing dad to your son and you both give him wonderful opportunities and so I would take his feelings into account here - really he is your DS's other parent not Lazydad. And think of all the years of non payment for your son - that would fund a few flights to Barbados.

So on balance, no, don't do it, Lazydad does not deserve it.

In your circumstances I would say yes (just because you can afford it and it would really benefit your DS).

Could you see if they would pay some proportion of it?

I agree that in principle it’s infuriating! I just wonder if it’s worth swallowing that for the sake of your DS getting a great experience?

I'd pay it as it offers the chance for your ds to meet his wider family. And I'd go to the CMS for maintenance just to be bloody minded because your ex sounds like a feckless arse.