Paying for DS holiday with ex??

[shamalawa]

A long, waffly one. Sorry.

have a (lovely lovely) DS who is 14. I left his dad when DS was 4, we were together too young, he was useless and lazy, fell out of love etc. We get on 'ok' but he's always been flakey with DS. Often cancels contact weekends, very rarely phones to chat to him etc. XP (LazyDad) has also never given any money toward DS - he has always had a very low paying job and as I earned well I didn't bother chasing him for anything. I think also out of misplaced guilt for leaving him I felt bad for even considering asking (foolish, yes but here we are)

Anyhoo, fast forward ten years and he's still as flaky as ever (has seen DS twice this year so far). I received a text from his DP, let's call her Kim.
I really really like Kim, she looks after DS v well when he visits - really makes an effort, she sends DS little gifts through the post etc. I've got a lot of time for her and we get on well.

Kim "hey Sha, I've been thinking about LazyDads bday next March and really want to surprise him and DS with a holiday to Barbados. LazyDad will get to see his family who live out there, DS will get to meet his cousins, aunties uncles etc"

Me: "wow that's a great idea, DS would love that - here are DS half term dates, if you could work it so he doesn't miss any school, or a day or 2 at most, that would be fab!"

Kim: "thanks soooo much, it will be a great surprise for them both. I feel really cheeky though, could you pay for DS flight?"

Argh!!!
I'm now married and a SAHM however my DH is a very high earner, which Kim is aware of. I feel guilty because we would be able to afford it without much thought BUT it's the principle isn't it?
ExDP hasn't paid a PENNY for DS and DH pays for literally everything as I'm now not working - including private school fees. The thing is, because it's Kim that's asking me I would feel really bad saying no.
DH said ultimately it's my decision BUT he thinks it's taking the piss a bit.

I also don't know if Kim is aware of the extent to which LazyDad pays NOTHING it's very possible he tells her he does?
Kim has only recently started back at work so I know she hasn't got much spare cash and if we don't cough up for DS it's likely the trip won't go ahead (or maybe they just won't take DS?). She has said she will cover accommodation, food and spending money.
I know DS would enjoy the trip and love meeting his cousins and experiencing the culture from that side of his family (because God knows his dad doesn't provide anything in terms of this...!)

But WIBU to say no???

Londonmummys reply is good but change the "incredibly awkward" bit to something like "I refuse to take advantage of his generosity by even suggesting he fund this" or similar, incredibly awkward sounds wrong, like you just can't ask because he would say no as opposed down right refusing to suggest it because you recognise its too much, if you get me.

Re the maintenance "I x, after all the years of you not paying a penny in maintenance I think it's time we reassess the situation. I am happy to go through cms but thought I would give you the opportunity to suggest a fair amount first"

I agree that a conversation on maintenance would be a good one to have in the not too distant future but to have it on top of refusing to pay the flight is likely to sour things with XP and quite possibly Kim as well. I'd leave it for a bit longer and perhaps think about taking it up at (say) Easter when the dust has settled. You could then present it as you're trying to be helpful and give him due warning before he booked another summer holiday which he might not be able to afford if he had to pay maintenance as well......

And definitely don't include any waffle about university or saving it as a pp suggested, it's none of his business what you do with it so just take it and save it, he doesn't need to be privvy to that. You are entitled to it, end of, no explanation needed and no waffle

I’ll get my coat and bugger off then !!! 😂

Have to say I agree, it is of no concern to him what you are using it for, it’s just rude for him to not pay. I would wait for a while too but probably just after Christmas, he’s taken the mickey for quite long enough.

What time if she splits from him and you lose your money for the flight?
What if she can't afford it after all, or needs more to cover it, she needs
To know the truth of his fecklessness to be honest

A first holiday this big is a huge ask

The same happened to me , son was told I'll take you away with his dad and three half sibs,
Her parents cancelled so son had no where to stay whilst there, as accommodation was across two villas. I ended up nearly 2 grand out of pocket to fund his own room, cause his dad would have rather told him sorry you can't come any more. His dad could afford it no probs, but didn't want to pay out for his kid who he couldn't be bothered with.

Kim is playing you like a fiddle.
She feels really cheeky because she is being really fucking cheeky.

Londonmummys post makes is far too 'nice.' There is nothing 'no bullshit' about it. You probably like it, because - as you say - you're a bit of a wuss.

I wouldn't ask for money or give him a heads up, ide just apply through the cms and go no contact

What are you afraid will happen if you are not "nice" enough about this and CMS?

The main priority here should be LD spending time with son. If that’s a holiday then this country then that should be first. No reason has to be that far away, unless grandparent are ill and it’s last chance. It’s like he will spend time
With him only if he get something out of it.

Actually I’d apply for CMS now.

It takes about three months for your claim to be set up, then they contact him and ask him very nicely to pay. And he says yeah I’m paying. And then you call CMS and they’re incredibly surprised he has not paid so then they approach him again... this continues for several months till they get progressively more firm with him.

It will take at least six months before you see any money from him anyway.

And that doesn’t include the hours on the phone to set the claim up in the first place.

And actually your son has a right for his father to financially support him.

Your dh has no obligation to fulfil all financial responsibility towards your son including private school fees.
The fact that he is, is because he’s a lovely person. And you are taking the piss by not using the resources available to you and pursuing DS’s father to at the very least make a token contribution which he is legally obligated to.

@gitfeatures first time I've been called too nice in I don't know how many years - can't wait for DC to get home so I can tell them that the whole world does not think I am the monster from hell/worst mother ever etc...

Your dh has no obligation to fulfil all financial responsibility towards your son including private school fees. The fact that he is, is because he’s a lovely person. And you are taking the piss by not using the resources available to you and pursuing DS’s father to at the very least make a token contribution which he is legally obligated to

This.

Coming back to the thread. As I said before, OP don’t be blasé about your DH. This is the kind of thing that erodes a marriage.

I am glad to see others have flagged up the ‘lovely Kim’.

I would message Kim back - Haha good one. You had me going there for a minute. Imagine, wanting me to fork out cash towards exes birthday. The same tight ass who forgets that kids aren't free.

Dear tightass - kids aren't free. You've had a free ride from the past 10 years. Here are bank details - I expect a regular deposit of say 15% of your income. It's either this or through cms. Your choice. But the free ride is over.

Don't explain what the cash is for. It's irrelevant.

I would if he had not met that family before, it's important for children to have family ties.

Given neither of his parents are supporting him and it's his step father picking up the costs the parents need to contribute his care. Both as bad as each other at the present time.

Given neither of his parents are supporting him and it's his step father picking up the costs the parents need to contribute his care. Both as bad as each other at the present time.

Do people really believe this bullshit when they write it or are they just hoping to get a dig in? You'd have to be thick as two planks to actually believe that this boy's mother is as bad as his father.

Apart from the money, I would say this trip could be an utter disaster for the 14 year old and a miserable 2 weeks.

@TheBigBangRocks that's a bit harsh.
I contribute to his care. A lot. Not financially directly but I'm sure you realise care isn't just throwing money at a child. It's also emotional support, and time. Things that ex has never contributed. I resent the idea that I'm as bad as him.

I would definitely pay for my son to meet his family. I think getting tied up in all the other stuff is a bit childish myself and a separate issue. It's not your sons fault you chose a looser for a father for him, and you have said you think it would be good for your son. So let your hubby pay for him.

It wouldn't set a precedent at all you just say " we will pay for this flight as a one off as its to meet his family" job done.

I agree with monestasi surely the op’s husband has a limit and this may be it?

both are as bad as each other
That’s a joke surely.

I still don't think anyone should fund the trip but them, but @shamalawa - does DS see his dad's extended family in the UK? Does he have an independent with his Nan etc?

Independent = relationship!

He sees his uncles in the UK but his paternal nan died when LD was a little boy... his paternal grandad lives in Barbados and visits regularly so sees DS probably as much as LD does

@londonmummy1966 text is perfect for Kim

I think LONDON mummy reply is perfect - it's polite, true and needs to be said