Paying for DS holiday with ex??

[shamalawa]

A long, waffly one. Sorry.

have a (lovely lovely) DS who is 14. I left his dad when DS was 4, we were together too young, he was useless and lazy, fell out of love etc. We get on 'ok' but he's always been flakey with DS. Often cancels contact weekends, very rarely phones to chat to him etc. XP (LazyDad) has also never given any money toward DS - he has always had a very low paying job and as I earned well I didn't bother chasing him for anything. I think also out of misplaced guilt for leaving him I felt bad for even considering asking (foolish, yes but here we are)

Anyhoo, fast forward ten years and he's still as flaky as ever (has seen DS twice this year so far). I received a text from his DP, let's call her Kim.
I really really like Kim, she looks after DS v well when he visits - really makes an effort, she sends DS little gifts through the post etc. I've got a lot of time for her and we get on well.

Kim "hey Sha, I've been thinking about LazyDads bday next March and really want to surprise him and DS with a holiday to Barbados. LazyDad will get to see his family who live out there, DS will get to meet his cousins, aunties uncles etc"

Me: "wow that's a great idea, DS would love that - here are DS half term dates, if you could work it so he doesn't miss any school, or a day or 2 at most, that would be fab!"

Kim: "thanks soooo much, it will be a great surprise for them both. I feel really cheeky though, could you pay for DS flight?"

Argh!!!
I'm now married and a SAHM however my DH is a very high earner, which Kim is aware of. I feel guilty because we would be able to afford it without much thought BUT it's the principle isn't it?
ExDP hasn't paid a PENNY for DS and DH pays for literally everything as I'm now not working - including private school fees. The thing is, because it's Kim that's asking me I would feel really bad saying no.
DH said ultimately it's my decision BUT he thinks it's taking the piss a bit.

I also don't know if Kim is aware of the extent to which LazyDad pays NOTHING it's very possible he tells her he does?
Kim has only recently started back at work so I know she hasn't got much spare cash and if we don't cough up for DS it's likely the trip won't go ahead (or maybe they just won't take DS?). She has said she will cover accommodation, food and spending money.
I know DS would enjoy the trip and love meeting his cousins and experiencing the culture from that side of his family (because God knows his dad doesn't provide anything in terms of this...!)

But WIBU to say no???

Bear in mind they will have to pay extra for flights in school holidays.
Not everyone stays with family, you can't assume, ask.
I think the main issue is whether ds would like to go, I'm sure he has the measure of his dad. I would say different if you were struggling financially

I wouldn't pay.

It's not really generous of her to include Ds when she isn't responsible for anything other than the idea.

I would agree that he could go and that you would contribute towards spending money.

You'll quickly find that her plans change.

I would also make a point of mentioning that he has NEVER paid maintenance.

She's not innocent in this. She knows that Ds has only seen him twice this year. She's not responsible for making visitation happen but she knows exactly how your xp is treating his son.

I LOVE the suggestion of telling her she can take it out of the dad's maintenance payments! Either she goes "But he doesn't pay maintenance..." and you say "Exactly". Or she gets to find out later.

You seem to like them all despite 'lazy dad'. It seems an odd thing to ask but you understand the family dynamics better than any of us so I would say, if you can easily afford it, go ahead and pay. It's nice to spread a bit of joy.

That is inspired to suggest it is paid from maintenance.

Dear Kim, I’ll send back the maintenance money I receive between now and the trip, until you have enough to buy the flight. Here’s this month’s back: £0.00

PS you’re too good for him

I think either way Kim needs to be told how shit LD has been both with commitments and financially. So if you do pay then she needs to know it's for your DS and a one off.

I'd find it hard to get over the fact that LD, who had never paid any maintenance for his own son, is being treated to a holiday to Barbados.

Does your son want to go, and meet a dad he has a distant relationship with, and meet family he's never met before??

Agree with AstoundedGoat's reply.

Does Kim know that LD pays nothing towards his son??

What she/they have done is get your hopes up that at last they are stepping up to the mark and treating your son the way he deserves to be treated. They've then shown their true colours by asking your son's step-dad to finance it.

I'd be very wary of your son getting his hopes up over a trip like this. I think the only thing crueller than being rejected by a parent is to be given false hope and then let down again.

I've never been asked by ex or his partner to pay for a trip but I have paid all travels costs for the kids to see him eow despite him paying no maintenance (even when he earned). I felt like you in terms of principle but doing things for the benefit of the kids took over.

As such, if indeed you can afford it AND your OH is happy for the money to come out of the joint account, I would pay and just see it as a educational trip for your ds.

Don't do it. It will make your Ex appear like he's actually a worthwhile dad.

Is he from Barbados and you white British?

Why should you/your DH pay for her suprise gift.

On principle I'd have to say no.
Seen his son twice this year! He's not much of a dad is he.

I would be worried about how appropriate it would be for a 14 year old, Will Kim and lazydad be partying? Has Kim got any DC?

Will there be activities suitable for a 14 year old? Holidaying and living in a country is very different, he might expect pools, nice food but the reality may be different. I might be tempted to book a family holiday to Barbados for your family with a cross over if dates and allow your DS to spend time with Kim and co there. Winter sun in Barbados would be great, book a villa or hotel

it's a tough one as you want to do right by ds

I would tell Kim that LD isn't contributing anything financially to ds's upkeep before saying yes.

What would worry me is the precedent this might set as LD is going to find out you paid for this and I suspect this will dissuade him even more from contributing anything going forward

but for the sake of your lad, I'd probably do it but I would make it very clear that further funding of things for ds with them is not going to happen and it doesn't in any way negate him paying for stuff for ds!

I'm in a similar set-up to you, OP except my ex hasn't seen DD in a few years now (lives in his home country). I get no maintenance and he makes no effort with contact.

If ex had a partner making that request and DH was ok with it (mine also a high earner, although I also earn well so could fund it myself - but, family money), I would be entirely guided by DD's views.

Is your DS interested in meeting his cousins? My DD gets on v well with hers and has a lovely aunty who gives her a wonderful time when she visits (at my cost...), also her grandad. I really liked that she had contact with her paternal family even though her dad is crap. Does your DS enjoy the time he spends with his dad on the few occasions it does happen?

Unless your DS has a strong desire to forge some links with that side of his family, I'd be saying no. It's not your responsibility to fund this holiday, and they are very cheeky asking. If LD can't be bothered with your DS the rest of the time, then will he really be that bothered wehther DS goes? Sounds like this is Kim trying to make the effort.

(And Kim may be enabling LD, but she still sounds kind to me, and I'd be careful to say how nice you think it is that she thought of DS.)

Does Kim have children ( just back to work)? Has your son any siblings who will or won't be going, whose feelings about, or his need to be considered. You were in favour before ££ was an issue.
I think he will feel it if you can afford it but won't pay, he's quite grown up now, not like a little child, I think he should have some say.
You think he will be disappointed if he can't go, be the bigger person, dad is not changing but some other good could come from this trip.
Nothing wrong with everyone knowing you paid, puts you in a good light. I think it's great to see mum and step mum working together

Does a teenage boy actually want to spend his holiday time with a Dad that doesn't give a sh*t about him (as evident by his lack of financial support and visits) ?

Equally, does he want to spend time with Great Aunty Ethel, or whoever, that he's never met before and will never meet again?
I'd rather that money went into a bank account for him and when he's older if he wishes to visit those relatives by himself it can pay for him to go then.
Also, PLEASE go to the CMS and get LD to contribute something towards his child. It's a disgrace that he hasn't, regardless of your financial situation.
The fact he doesn't pay a bean towards his son but can go to Barbados for a holiday is completely taking the piss.

It's a lovely idea, but it is their family holiday for a celebration not yours. She's right to check with you as his mum that it's okay, but they need to be able to afford themselves as a family.

I would say that you're more than happy for DS to go if he wants to as you think it's a lovely idea, but will not be contributing to the flight. Maybe suggest you give him spending money instead for while he's there.

I think asking for the money is CFery and Kim would have gone down in my estimation for doing that.

But I would say no mostly for the reasons given by pp. If Lazydad has only bothered with your DS twice this year he really doesn't give a toss about him does he? Your DS could end up on holiday with a father who doesn't give a toss about him (and possibly didn't really want him there) and relatives who he hardly knows and who may or may not give a toss about him. Maybe tell Kim that?

It’s nice that Kim wants to promote a better level of contact but she’s obviously oblivious to just how useless LD is and has been. Instead of getting to meet all the wider family how about starting with getting to know his actual Dad?

I suspect that ds would feel like a fish out of water and neither Kim nor LD would have the ability to look after him emotionally or physically since they do in fact, barely know him.

I would pay but also would raise the child maintenance issue with Kim at the same time. You never know the trip may be really positive in terms of them bonding. I bet either they’ll come back with a stronger, closer relationship, or your DS will come back and want little to do with his dad if he’s a knob on the trip. Either way I think it’s worth giving them that opportunity.

I'd say Kim is the acceptable face of charm being added to a pretty toxic mix.

She must know what he's like, how little he see's his son and here she is trying to get your DH to pay for his DSS trip? Your DH is already being a better Dad day in day out that LD. It's beyond the pale to expect him to fund this.

If the family is so keen to see him, suggest they club together to pay for your son's flight. That's what my overseas family are doing for my DD. Once you get 5 or 6 people contributing to one flight its more reasonable. Oh..and the family suggested that if its okay we don't send Xmas presents this year, but use the money to help with costs of the flight - but that was optional if we didn't want to. That's how people who want to see someone behave.

That would be a hell no from me too.

After 14 years I think your exDP could at least stump up for a holiday for his DS. I also don't think it is fair to ask your DH to pay. It would be different if you, DH and DS were going on holiday together.

Love the maintenance offset!

In all honesty your DS doesn't know either of them that well and then going longhaul abroad with them could be a disaster and him not enjoy it.

I really think I would reply to Kim "as Lazy Dad doesn't make any effort with DS and has never paid any maintenance I just don't find the suggestion of my DH paying for DS to go away with Lazy Dad appropriate."

I honestly think your ex will sean about for the week and DS May well be in the way.

That's a sucker punch of a request very smartly trying to manipulate you with the cultural family references.
I'd say no and tell her why. I agree with other posters it's sets a precedence tgatvyiu can inbtge future be asked to cough up. Well your dh really. I'd be pretty pushed off if I was your dh after all he already does.

Just out of curiosity - how long has Kim been with your XP?

Sorry for typos!