Paying for DS holiday with ex??

[shamalawa]

A long, waffly one. Sorry.

have a (lovely lovely) DS who is 14. I left his dad when DS was 4, we were together too young, he was useless and lazy, fell out of love etc. We get on 'ok' but he's always been flakey with DS. Often cancels contact weekends, very rarely phones to chat to him etc. XP (LazyDad) has also never given any money toward DS - he has always had a very low paying job and as I earned well I didn't bother chasing him for anything. I think also out of misplaced guilt for leaving him I felt bad for even considering asking (foolish, yes but here we are)

Anyhoo, fast forward ten years and he's still as flaky as ever (has seen DS twice this year so far). I received a text from his DP, let's call her Kim.
I really really like Kim, she looks after DS v well when he visits - really makes an effort, she sends DS little gifts through the post etc. I've got a lot of time for her and we get on well.

Kim "hey Sha, I've been thinking about LazyDads bday next March and really want to surprise him and DS with a holiday to Barbados. LazyDad will get to see his family who live out there, DS will get to meet his cousins, aunties uncles etc"

Me: "wow that's a great idea, DS would love that - here are DS half term dates, if you could work it so he doesn't miss any school, or a day or 2 at most, that would be fab!"

Kim: "thanks soooo much, it will be a great surprise for them both. I feel really cheeky though, could you pay for DS flight?"

Argh!!!
I'm now married and a SAHM however my DH is a very high earner, which Kim is aware of. I feel guilty because we would be able to afford it without much thought BUT it's the principle isn't it?
ExDP hasn't paid a PENNY for DS and DH pays for literally everything as I'm now not working - including private school fees. The thing is, because it's Kim that's asking me I would feel really bad saying no.
DH said ultimately it's my decision BUT he thinks it's taking the piss a bit.

I also don't know if Kim is aware of the extent to which LazyDad pays NOTHING it's very possible he tells her he does?
Kim has only recently started back at work so I know she hasn't got much spare cash and if we don't cough up for DS it's likely the trip won't go ahead (or maybe they just won't take DS?). She has said she will cover accommodation, food and spending money.
I know DS would enjoy the trip and love meeting his cousins and experiencing the culture from that side of his family (because God knows his dad doesn't provide anything in terms of this...!)

But WIBU to say no???

The fact that he is, is because he’s a lovely person. And you are taking the piss by not using the resources available to you and pursuing DS’s father to at the very least make a token contribution which he is legally obligated to.

I agree with this. By not pursuing maintenance over the last 10 years you are also guilty of taking the piss out of your husband's generosity. Time to sort it out.

I really think its time to stop enabling him.

Trips to Cyprus and Barbados but he can't pay a penny in child maintenance?

How do you know he has no money? Because he didn't a decade ago? Because he says so?

You can't feel guilty for leaving to the point of allowing him to walk all over you financially for years' and expect your DH to pick up the tab.

Don't start with a request. Stop worrying about 'souring' a relationship where they ignore your son for most of the year and ignore their financial responsibilities.

I never fail to be surprised that there are decent lovely women out there willing to share their lives with these useless men and become lovely caring step mums to their children. You. Don't seem to hear of it the other way round. Kind decent men becoming great step dad's to the offspring that their wives have been crap mother's to from previous relationships.

I don’t know why you would worry about delaying the timing of the maintenance question. In theory ex has no idea re holiday so will not see any connection. If gf is on the level she doesn’t know he doesn’t pay in which case he certainly won’t tell her he’s been asked to start paying so each of them will only now of one conversation (if she does know her request is seriously cheeky and she deserves everything she gets , similarly if he knows about holiday )

@Zerrin13 - that was snide.

Given neither of his parents are supporting him and it's his step father picking up the costs the parents need to contribute his care. Both as bad as each other at the present time.

So raising him a single parent 24/7 (and financially supporting him alone before becoming a sahm) isn't supporting him?

Are all stay at home mothers not supporting their children or just the ones that remarry?

his grandad visiting him twice a year with no skype/phone/email contact in between is not good enough a reason to send him.

Given neither of his parents are supporting him and it's his step father picking up the costs the parents need to contribute his care. Both as bad as each other at the present time.

Actually, there is an element of truth in this. Why is it ok for OP to rely on her partner to provide but it's not ok for her exH to do the same.

No. Kim is a CF, don't let her take the piss.
Ds won't want to spend 2 weeks with virtual strangers.
Go to the bloody CMS!

@ArghhhWhatToDo

That was a nice reply from your Ex's DW. Perhaps like her, Kim doesn't know he's not paying CS.

Honestly. ..I agree with the OP and wouldn't be chasing a dad who doesn't voluntarily contribute to the upkeep of his child.

Why would anyone give themselves that headache If they weren't strapped. I certainly wouldn't.

Chasing the csa to deduct a few quid is stressful.

Spending your time doing things based on principle and not practicalities makes little sense in this regard.

Also lots of pp saying the OP should go to Barbados with her family. Why?
I wouldn't do that as it would seem like your 'stealing' Kims idea. ..but also his father has that responsibility to make him acquainted with his paternal family.

This kind of reminds me of someone who said her dad told her he wasn't leaving her any inheritance. ..because her step dad was loaded and he'd leave money for her. He was leaving his to the DCs he had with his second wife.

Dads depending on other men to bring up their children is very poor form.

Don’t pay. You said he sees his paternal grandfather when his father sees him. If his father hasn’t seen the other family members for many years then they are not that important. Your son probably wouldn’t even want to go with his father if he never sees him.

Just tell Kim that you won’t pay. Let your son know why. Whether you can afford pay or not is kind of irrelevant in this case. They just want a holiday and to act like he is a good father when the bottom line is he is not and your son is old enough to understand that. He can connect with distant counsins in his own time when he’s older if it is something he wants to do.

If I was your DH I would be seriously unimpressed even if he is saying it is up to you.

Just explain facts to Kim - your ex has never contributed financially to your son's upkeep, he rarely bothers to see him, and you don't want to ask your partner to pay for this.

Further to what I wrote earlier, on reading your next posts I'd definitely say no.

So they went to Cyprus in the summer, rather than seeing your son - that money would have paid the cost of your child's flights if they'd saved it, but they preferred to go off on holiday and let you be the cash cow that would pay.

Re: the maintenance payments, just open a case with the Child Maintenance Service. If he has never paid maintenance, he is unlikely to properly cooperate and you certainly can’t trust any figure he comes up with to be fair. Plus, If he has seen you son twice this year, it isn’t like you have a great co-parenting relationship that making an application without discussing it first will undermine.

Of course you, or rather your current DP, shouldn't pay. What a ridiculous nation to think otherwise.

Kim isn't lovely. She's attached herself to a man who has abandoned all his paternal responsibilities. That reflects very badly on her and the type of person she is.

If it's good enough for your partner to support DS financially in his daily expenses, then it's good enough for Kim as his dad's partner to also contribute financially, in the form of this trip.

I'm agog you haven't pursued maintenance from the ex over all these years. So what if he has a low income. If you were still together he'd have to support DS on that regardless. Even if he was only paying 10 a week, it could've been put aside for DS for when he needs it for university, car etc. I would put in a CM claim right now. I don't know if it's possible for claim for arrears, but if it is, then do so.

I'd reply to Kim that you are astounded that after Ex never paying a cent towards DS's care, you can't believe she now expects you and DH to pay towards a birthday present for Ex. If she/they want DS to go to Barbados, they pay. Simple. I'd also add that you are insulted that she thinks you're that gullible.

So what did you do OP?

If you think your son would enjoy the experience and you can easily afford it I’d do it for him - not for your ex.
When they’re back I would be pursuing cm though.