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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Restricted by days DSD is here...

297 replies

QueQue · 22/11/2018 09:12

I have a 4 week old baby.

Also have a DSD who is here one weekday every week and every other weekend Friday-Sunday.

Husband wants me to never arrange something on these days because it prevents DSD from seeing her sibling.

I haven't arranged anything for the past 4 weeks on these days, and I try my best not to, but next week I have an appointment on the weekday evening. It's not an essential appointment but it's something I do regularly and it's the only day available for 2 weeks.

I've booked it.

DH thinks I'm cruel because DSD will now not see her sibling for a week.

I don't know what to do. I've avoided making appointments for the past 4 weeks, I've not had visitors on these days. They've been dedicated solely to DSD. Surely I need to have a life though and can OCCASIONALLY do something on these days?

Or AIBU?

OP posts:
LIZS · 22/11/2018 09:15

Do you need to take the baby with you? Life does nor revolve around your dsd but if you have an alternative maybe rearrange while he is little. Chances are she will lose interest and neither of you can force it.

AnotherRoadsideAttraction · 22/11/2018 09:16

Without sounding flippant, gently remind your DH that DSD will be a big sister for the rest of her life - one evening isn't going to take anything away from their bonding or relationship.

And no, it's not unreasonable to make sure your needs are also met within a blended family! Flowers

HappyPunky · 22/11/2018 09:17

Yanbu!! What happens at weekends? Do you keep baby awake all day to be there for Dsd? It's a person not a toy. Go to your activity and Dsd can have alone time with her dad.

Original poster
QueQue · 22/11/2018 09:17

@LIZS yes he's only tiny and is ebf. Otherwise would have no problem leaving him. He's not ready for bottles yet.

OP posts:
livefornaps · 22/11/2018 09:18

He can look after both kids then!
The baby isn't surgically attached to you.
He needs to grow up.

DeeStopia · 22/11/2018 09:18

Hmm. I think YABU. The baby is only four weeks old and your DH is probably thinking that your DSD needs to have the chance to bond with the new sibling and feel included in the new family setup. She's not with you very often- it'll benefit everyone to give them all the time possible together.

Oswin · 22/11/2018 09:18

This is an opportunity to have one on one time with dsd. He's being a knob.

Original poster
QueQue · 22/11/2018 09:19

@livefornaps he's EBF and not on bottles so needs to come with me otherwise I would leave with him. He's only 4 weeks.

OP posts:
Windgate · 22/11/2018 09:19

Is it that DSD will not see the baby or that he has to parent?

Blanchedupetitpois · 22/11/2018 09:20

I think as long as it’s very occasional it’s ok. Now and then it’s probably unavoidable. But I think it’s good to make every effort to avoid.

How long is the appointment? Could the baby stay with your DP?

AcidPops · 22/11/2018 09:20

How long are you going to be away? I used to go out for an hour or two when my kids were ebf xx

Original poster
QueQue · 22/11/2018 09:20

@Windgate he's a fantastic parent so no problems there. His world pretty much revolves around his daughter (and of course our son now).

OP posts:
MeredithGrey1 · 22/11/2018 09:21

How old is DSD, and will she actually be really upset, or is it more that your DH thinks they should see each other as often as possible but missing one evening wouldn’t overly bother DSD? Surely its possible that she would actually really like one evening just with her dad? I understand why he wants them to have a close relationship but if she only ever sees her dad with the new baby around, she might appreciate some one on one time with him.

livefornaps · 22/11/2018 09:22

Sorry, didn't realise.

But is your appointment all day? Surely not.

This smacks to me more of "I want you to be there to do all the parenting with me".

This DSD/sibling stuff is a red herring.

How would any parent get anything done ever if they never made plans on a Saturday?!

Blanchedupetitpois · 22/11/2018 09:22

Sorry, cross posted with your posts about him not taking bottles!

I think if you make every effort to be around on DSD’s days, you can’t be blamed for the rare occasion when you have to be out.

Original poster
QueQue · 22/11/2018 09:24

@AcidPops it's a 2 hour appointment. DSD isn't staying the night so I'll be back after she's gone back to her mums.

It's not all the time, I've avoided until now and will try to in the future but I can't dedicate 10 days of every month for the next few months to staying in the house can I?

It's just this one time for now I have no more plans for the future...

OP posts:
Deadringer · 22/11/2018 09:26

I think yabu just a little bit, it's only one day a week and every other weekend that you have to work around. I would keep the appointment but be mindful in future that this is important to your dh and a critical time for your dsd, she will probably be worried about being replaced by the baby. At the same time it will be nice for dsd to have her Daddy all to herself for a bit.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/11/2018 09:26

I think your DH is being unreasonable. It sounds as if you are bending over backwards to accommodate his wishes, but surely once in a blue moon doesn't matter that much?

Suggest that he uses the opportunity for some 1-2-1 time with his DD so she doesn't feel pushed out by the baby. Would that help?

Original poster
QueQue · 22/11/2018 09:27

@Blanchedupetitpois this really is the first time in 4 weeks and I do intend to try not to make plans on these days. But I just don't think he should be able to dictate to me that I shouldn't EVER go out on these days as I need to have SOME flexibility and a life of my own.

To PPs saying it's because he wants me to parent, it's not. It's really not. He's far more hands on with DSD than I am and is a truly amazing dad. This really is about his DSD spending time with her sibling because she's obsessed with him.

OP posts:
TheBigFatMermaid · 22/11/2018 09:27

I think he needs reminding that his DD will love some 1 to 1 time with her Dad. She needs to know she is still important in her Dads life and can have him to herself sometimes.

Branleuse · 22/11/2018 09:29

life does go on and your dh is being unreasonable if this is an actual appointment.

Original poster
QueQue · 22/11/2018 09:30

Surely one of the unfortunate compromises of being part of a blended family is that things aren't quite conventional and situations like this will occur, occasionally?

I'm doing my best but am 4 weeks PP and just need this appointment and to do something for myself that is routine an NORMAL. I feel far from normal right now, I'm exhausted. I really would have scheduled for a different day if I could but it's not possible.

OP posts:
Windgate · 22/11/2018 09:30

@QueQue in that case I'd go to my appointment with DS and DSD have some one on one time with her DF. I think it's fair to avoid appointments when DSD is with you but not to put people of visiting, surely they come to see the whole family.

Original poster
QueQue · 22/11/2018 09:30

@Branleuse what do you mean if this is an actual appointment?

OP posts:
UnderMajorDomoMinor · 22/11/2018 09:32

Though dsd needs time with baby she also needs time with dad. Don’t want to inadvertently give her the message that she always has to share him when she’ll see him less that her new sibling.

You’ve done your best, the occasional one off will probably be helpful!

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