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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Restricted by days DSD is here...

297 replies

QueQue · 22/11/2018 09:12

I have a 4 week old baby.

Also have a DSD who is here one weekday every week and every other weekend Friday-Sunday.

Husband wants me to never arrange something on these days because it prevents DSD from seeing her sibling.

I haven't arranged anything for the past 4 weeks on these days, and I try my best not to, but next week I have an appointment on the weekday evening. It's not an essential appointment but it's something I do regularly and it's the only day available for 2 weeks.

I've booked it.

DH thinks I'm cruel because DSD will now not see her sibling for a week.

I don't know what to do. I've avoided making appointments for the past 4 weeks, I've not had visitors on these days. They've been dedicated solely to DSD. Surely I need to have a life though and can OCCASIONALLY do something on these days?

Or AIBU?

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 22/11/2018 09:36

Is she not going to see baby at all? Are you going to be out from the entire time she would be with you?

Original poster
QueQue · 22/11/2018 09:37

I feel like I've been made to feel really guilty. Like I'm intentionally preventing them from being together (I would never in a million years do that!). I'm so close to giving in and cancelling my appointment, but know I probably shouldn't and will resent my husband for it.

OP posts:
Blanchedupetitpois · 22/11/2018 09:39

@QueQue no, I agree with you. He shouldn’t be dictating anything, and even if he’s just requesting it because it’s important to him he should accept that there will be times when you can’t comply because it’s just not convenient or possible. I think your compromise is fair - as a general rule you won’t organise things on DSD’s days which mean your son will be away from his sister, but you and DP both acknowledge that sometimes it will be necessary.

Original poster
QueQue · 22/11/2018 09:39

@PatriciaHolm she wouldn't see him at all on that day but she would see him on the Friday-Sunday after.

OP posts:
TheRedRoom · 22/11/2018 09:39

I think right now your baby needs to be with you so it's understandable you may need to both be out occassionally when dsd is visiting. But in three months' time or so you'll be able to go out for 2hrs without your baby (at least that was my experience with 2 ebf babies - they're all different but I could be gone for around 2.5hrs without the need for bottles by that stage) and so then you will be able to leave your baby with your partner and dsd while you go out if you happen to have plans/an appointment while she's there. I do however think that if this current appointment is not essential it might be worth rescheduling to a few weeks later as 4 weeks is very very early in their sibling relationship and for dsd it'll probably be a bit disappointing if the baby isn't there.

diddl · 22/11/2018 09:40

Oh dear you can't (imo) live like that-putting your life on hold for your step daughter.

Cruel indeed!

What a drama queen your husband is!

SundayGirls · 22/11/2018 09:40

Maybe he's worried it'll look like you've arranged to be out when she comes as much as seeing the baby? Or maybe (I don't know of course) he doesn't want it to get back to DSD's mum that you have gone out somewhere in the evening. Maybe he wants it to look like you are Earth Mother, doing an amazing job at home of looking after newborn perfectly as well as DSD. Total guess of course.

I can see his point about DSD not seeing the baby but why doesn't he just have an activity ready to do just her and him whilst you are out? Quality 1-2-1 time? Most kids would really love that.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 22/11/2018 09:40

If she is really desperate to see the baby would he and the ex consider swapping the day around as a one off?

At weekends I think give it another couple of weekends not doing much then you have to start living normally again. That's what families have to so when parents work etc there is a lot to fit in at the weekend so parents do jobs, kids go to activities, people catch up with friends and there is still some time for quality family time - you don't all need to be together 24/7 when she is with you.

IStandWithPosie · 22/11/2018 09:40

He is being utterly ridiculous. Life does not end when a baby arrives. Mothers do not put their lives on hold to be available for everyone who wants to see their baby. And life certainly does not revolve around either the baby or the sibling. Go about your business as planned OP. Honestly, he is being so stupid!

Joboy · 22/11/2018 09:40

Is the baby welcome at your appointment? Have you Checked ?

JellyBaby666 · 22/11/2018 09:41

Even with full siblings there isn't this need to keep them together every second of the day! Her spending some 1:1 time with her Dad for a few hours is not going to harm their relationship - if anything, I bet that time will be nice for her and him. YANBU!

abacucat · 22/11/2018 09:42

I do think on this occasion your DH is right. For any child a new baby sibling is a difficult time, that is even more so when the child does not live with you. It is not so much about the child not having time to bind with the baby, but taking extra care of the child's feelings over the early months.

ApolloandDaphne · 22/11/2018 09:43

I think you need to give your DH a gentle shake and tell him to get a grip. It is one evening in one week. You DSD has the whole of her life to bond with her DB! Go and enjoy your appointment (assuming it is something enjoyable!). You are allowed a life outside the family walls even with a tiny baby.

EivissaE · 22/11/2018 09:43

Yanbu, you can’t be expected to put your life on hold every time DSD is with you, life continues and if you have an appointment then so be it, it’s not going to ruin the bond she has with her sibling.
I don’t know how old she is but surely she’d like some one to one time with her dad? Can you sell that angle to your DH? Not that you should have to justify yourself to him but maybe he’s not thought of that. And definitely don’t cancel you’re entitled to do things for yourself.

Original poster
QueQue · 22/11/2018 09:43

@Joboy yes he absolutely is!

OP posts:
YourHandInMyHand · 22/11/2018 09:44

Maybe he needs to reframe it for his DD and make it a day/visit where it's a dad and daughter quality time event? I'm sure she does love cooing over her new little sibling but I bet if dad took her out to an ice cream shop or for a game of bowling she'd be happy with that too?

If your appointment can't be booked for another day or time get him to enjoy some nice 1:1 with his DD. As much as you want to encourage good sibling relationships she still needs that quality dad time too. There will be days where things crop up eg your baby could have an appointment, or you could be at the hospital or just unavoidably busy. Yes it's nice to get the family time in but every now and then it can't be helped.

SundayGirls · 22/11/2018 09:45

How old is DSD? (sorry if you've already said).

ghostsandghoulies · 22/11/2018 09:46

If she lived with you full time, you'd still be reasonable going to the appointment.

Your h needs to plan a visit doing big girl stuff that isn't possible with a baby.

EdisonLightBulb · 22/11/2018 09:46

What type of appointment is it? I guess it's something beauty related, hence your DP giving priority to his DD.

Can your DSD come along and then you drop her home after? Can her dad drop you and baby at the appointment then spend an hour or two with his daughter alone then you all drop the daughter back off at mums later?

Original poster
QueQue · 22/11/2018 09:46

@abacucat genuine question. At what point should I be allowed to occasionally go out on these days? When he's 3 months? 6 months? Or permanently? It's hard. It seems awfully restrictive.

@abacucat she's 8 (nearly 9)

OP posts:
IStandWithPosie · 22/11/2018 09:47

This will only be upsetting for DSD if your DH is stupid enough to let her think she should be upset. If he thinks she will be upset then he needs to plan ahead and have something set up for the pair of them to do or go to so she doesn’t even realise she is missing out in seeing her brother.

LearningToDrive · 22/11/2018 09:47

You have to look after yourself as well as your baby and DSD. Does your DH understand how much you need this and that there won't be another opportunity for you later?

Can you also frame it to him as an opportunity for him to spend some one on one time with DSD?

Original poster
QueQue · 22/11/2018 09:48

@EdisonLightBulb it is beauty related but it's in order to make my life so much more convenient with a newborn! Don't really want to say as it's a bit outing and believe it or not my DH looks on MN occasionally!

OP posts:
SundayGirls · 22/11/2018 09:50

QueQue - Could it also be that you are (understandably) looking for DH to support you on some things just as you support him and DSD? A bit of give and take. It feels like you have given by (obviously as any decent person would) prioritising DSD as much as newborn DS and rightly so, but on the other hand, you are still getting to grips with being a new parent to a baby, only gave birth 4 weeks ago etc. It might not be your first child in the family as that's DSD, but it's your first baby. I was a bit of a mess for probably 8 weeks after the birth of my first, trying to figure out some sort of routine. It was 2 weeks until I ventured out on my own with the pram without DH. It would be hard to always accommodate in the prescribed way that DH is making it and it feels as though he's not taking your feelings in to consideration also. There must be room for your feelings too.

Rachelover40 · 22/11/2018 09:51

Please do go to your appointment, it is something important to you. If your baby is not yet ready for expressed milk in bottles, take him with you.

You're being very accommodating and I think it is right that you are so that your stepdaughter has time with her dad (& often with you and her brother), but one absence won't hurt.

x

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