Restricted by days DSD is here...

[QueQue]

I have a 4 week old baby.

Also have a DSD who is here one weekday every week and every other weekend Friday-Sunday.

Husband wants me to never arrange something on these days because it prevents DSD from seeing her sibling.

I haven't arranged anything for the past 4 weeks on these days, and I try my best not to, but next week I have an appointment on the weekday evening. It's not an essential appointment but it's something I do regularly and it's the only day available for 2 weeks.

I've booked it.

DH thinks I'm cruel because DSD will now not see her sibling for a week.

I don't know what to do. I've avoided making appointments for the past 4 weeks, I've not had visitors on these days. They've been dedicated solely to DSD. Surely I need to have a life though and can OCCASIONALLY do something on these days?

Or AIBU?

Your DH is being a dick. DSD will be a big sis forever. I am also part of a blended family (me & DP both have a son from our previous marriages and a son together). We have learned that not everything can be fitted around the DSSs. It’s ridiculous.

Is it actually against the Site Rules to kill the next idiot who doesn’t even bother to read the OP’s posts before wading in?

WTAF don’t people do that? It’s easy enough to highlight them or ‘on this page’ search them FFS.

Managing a blended family is incredibly challenging at the best of times - having a 4 week old is not the best of times!
I understand everything feels so emotional right now and highly charged. But if your husband is a great partner and dad, as it seems, then you know you will get time to do the things you want to do (as well as family stuff) in due course. Having a caring and interested DSD will really help with that - esp when you’re out and your DP has the pair of them or vice versa.
Maybe neither of you is BU - you need the appt and he feels anxious about the children bonding... both are fair positions. Maybe you both need to reassure each other that the other’s needs are important and you hear your respective concerns. One appt doesn’t change that.
Being able to explain it to DSD kindly might be the key thing - what would make it easier for her? She is your DP’s concern here after all.
Maybe (if you’re not seeing her before the date in question) you could arrange a Skype time because her SB wants to see her as he’s going to miss her that day... maybe talk to her about why EBF is important to you and the compromises that sometimes involves. She will probably respect your honesty and feel “grown up” that you are sharing your parenting ideals with her.
These children will be in others’ lives for the rest of theirs, and a strong relationship will be positive for everyone. It won’t be damaged by your appt especially if your DSD feels considered - that’s the main thing.
Maybe the weekend after you can teach her how to do a nappy by herself - I used to do my brother’s very efficiently at the same age!
Sending lots of good wishes as it’s very difficult having a new born and juggling the feeling all of other children too!
When/if you express you can also teach her to give him bottles - she will love that! But in the meantime props to you for EBF and talking about/allowing her to understand why that’s important to you as a parent - even if it sometimes means you and her SB sadly have to miss seeing her...

Also, considering how often men get slated on MN for not prioritising their children, I think it’s a real shame the OP’s Partner’s behaviour has been characterised as selfish instead of as him trying to do right by his daughter. Lots of men wouldn’t give a fig about this kind of thing more’s the pity. Good for him for caring!

YABU

Most people would be so grateful to have such a positive dad for their children - doing his best to ensure strong bonds early on.

It's every other weekend and 2 short evenings. Put if every 14 days - it's not like he's asking you to manage your whole life around her.

Why can't you take DSD of with you?
or leave baby home - hreyrr not gong to starve to death if you're only out for 2 hrs

MadMadaMim Guess you're someone else who doesn't bother to read the thread..........

@MadMadaMim read the full thread FFS!!!! And no my baby wouldn't starve to death, but anyone who leaves a cluster feeding baby who doesn't understand why they feel hungry, and nobody is answering their cries, for over two hours (more like 3.5 with travel, if you'd RTFT you'd have known that) is an absolute moron.

This thread is just entertainment for me now. Thanks to those who commented either way. Next person not to RTFT is an absolute muppet!

most people don’t leave the house for 4 weeks

@Queque chill out. I scanned the full thread. I didn't read every word. If you'd explained properly rather than drip fed info over 13 pages, maybe comments wouldn't be such a source of frustration and crazy woman reaction for you.

Whatever the info - YABU. Oh - and you need to chill out. You're reaction and reply is absolutely unwarranted. You asked for opinion, I gave it, ffs

I've only read the first and last page but I don't think you are being unreasonable - all of you have to adjust to being a blended family of four and that includes your husband and DSD adjusting their expectations. Tell your husband to get a grip, you're going to your planned appointment, and that he should use this time for some Daddy-Daughter bonding. Perhaps they can do some online Christmas shopping for the baby, or go out for tea together? Babies don't change a huge amount between week 4 and 5 and actually, he's a baby, not a dolly, and it should be expected that sometimes, he won't be there to play with. It's also a good opportunity for her to learn about breastfeeding, considering his needs and so on. She's not made of china, it won't completely devastate her just for one week - DH needs to get a lot more realistic.

@MadMadaMim I think anyone who thinks an ebf baby can be left without food for over 2 hours is nuts, hence my reaction.

crazy woman reaction for you.

^ I'm not crazy. I'm 4 weeks PP and need a break.

Also I haven't drip fed. Threads evolve and I've added info as I've been asked.

I'm shocked at how many people are suggesting leaving a four week old baby! I couldn't leave my first until he was at least a year old, and it will be the same with my second (8 weeks). It just goes against every instinct I have when I think about leaving them that soon 😳

@LLOE7 the idea of him hungry and screaming for food for potentially 2 hours actually hurts a bit...

Then take a break, as opposed to opening a discussion to then venting unnecessary animosity to respondents.

@MadMadaMim yawn! Okay...

@MadMadaMim is goady on a lot of threads, pay no heed.

Go to your hair appointment! I'm in a similar situation and as much as I try to avoid arranging stuff for when DSD comes if there's something that crops up then I go. I vote for anything that makes life easy in the early days.

Laughing at the posters suggesting you leave baby at home! I'm 3 months in and haven't left baby for more than 20 mins and I don't intend to start leaving him any longer any time soon!

Yes good for dad parenting his child, however he has another child whose mum needs some basic care. His understanding of child psychology is a bit ?
How is he going to cope when there is jealousy, she is fed up with everything revolving round baby, they can't go somewhere because he is too little. She won't be besotted forever she'll want to go bowling or roller skating. These kids may be close but they won't be playmates, there is a big age difference. Her needs won't all be about dad and his family, she may need quite a lot of individual time in future. He needs to chill and go with the flow

What's all this people don't leave the house got four weeks? That's not my experience at all unless you're unwell which op isn't. Just go get your hair done, tell your dh to focus on his daughter for a short while as you've a lifetime of family to come. Have a lovely time too!

@Antigon goady? How is what I said goady? Happy my i out is bieng noto ed enough for you to have an overview of what I'm saying - it's easy for replies to 'get lost' in the numerous comments.

I've rarely commented on threads over the past 14 yrs of membership, unless I think I have a potentially helpful insight /experience to share or feel particularly strongly about something.

One of the reasons being that threads are often started by OPs who don't really want an opinion unless people agree with them. Another reason is that MN membership has a larger than usual number of online bullies who seem to think nothing of name calling, belittling people, venting unnecessarily on other posters and, as in this case, being aggressive and confrontational for little or no reason. And I give as good as I get. I wouldn't call it goady. I'd say I have an opinion which I sometimes voice and if people are shitty towards me, I will respond and call them out on it. The OP response to my comment was totally OTT and unjustified and I said so. On social media, online in general (and IRL) I'm a firm believer in: 1 behaving online as you would do IRL, 2 sharing experience/views that may help others or give them a different perspective, 3 not allowing bullies to go unchallenged, 4 standing up for myself, 5 standing up for others

My original comment was not in any way negative. I offered 2 solutions to the issue. Take the sibling with her or leave the baby for 2 hours with the father and sibling. BF babies does not = babies that can't be away from mum for 2 hrs.

And I repeat - OP is BU. Her DSD has little time with her dad's new family. Dad seems to want strong bonds between his children - it's admirable.

I imagined the thread posted from the opposite stance - ie a dad making similar arrangements on an evening away and that evening is the one that DSC is visiting. MNters would be up in arms and totally slating him and outraged that he'd do such a thing. And yes-it can be different when it's mum leaving a baby (as I suggested) but 2 hrs - a feed before leaving should be fine. And if not - take DSD with you.

Goady enough?

How daft, who takes any child to their hair appointment, if they can avoid it. Not including the tiny be baby, of course .
DSD can spend time with her daddy. If desperate to be involved in baby care on every visit, she can record some songs or a story, to play to the baby in the week.
I wouldn't go along with the can't have other visitors bit either. Of course you can, not all the time but if it's convenient. The visitors can usefully remark on what a lovely big sister DSD is.

Your DSd should be part of normal family life, people come in and out, meeting your friends who visit, your child friends when older, bringing her friends for tea. Or to stay. Squabbling with others in the house (oh yes). Dp is much too precious