Restricted by days DSD is here...

[QueQue]

I have a 4 week old baby.

Also have a DSD who is here one weekday every week and every other weekend Friday-Sunday.

Husband wants me to never arrange something on these days because it prevents DSD from seeing her sibling.

I haven't arranged anything for the past 4 weeks on these days, and I try my best not to, but next week I have an appointment on the weekday evening. It's not an essential appointment but it's something I do regularly and it's the only day available for 2 weeks.

I've booked it.

DH thinks I'm cruel because DSD will now not see her sibling for a week.

I don't know what to do. I've avoided making appointments for the past 4 weeks, I've not had visitors on these days. They've been dedicated solely to DSD. Surely I need to have a life though and can OCCASIONALLY do something on these days?

Or AIBU?

@Innocentconglomeration yes, it's no problem. The appointment is in my friend's house, done by my friend :)

Oh sorry - that'll teach me to go off and get my coffee and come back and post without refreshing.

Having said that, a hairdressers would have bleach and perming lotion and stuff - are you sure it'll be OK?

x post again!! sorry :)

Just keep repeating 'she'll see him on the weekend' like a broken record. I don't think it's realistic or desirable for you to be in the house all the time when the DSD is there- most of the time yes, perfect, but you can't stop living your life over this, and I do also agree with everyone who says the DSD will benefit with time with dad on her own. Otherwise her life is all about the baby.

Perhaps she's 'obsessed' by the baby- or perhaps she's realised already that she has to be all about the baby as everyone else is, and by being a little carer, she's getting her dad's approval and love. She is at the age of talking with her dad about her life, school etc- she needs the time to do that without this constant distraction of a baby.

@Innocentconglomeration haha don't worry! She's a braider so no bleach or chemicals :)

@Orchiddingme she really is obsessed with him, but she's always been obsessed with all babies. It's just her way.

This is bonkers advice imo. DSD won't die if she doesn't see her brother one eve. Why should OP have to change ehr plans/accommodate dsd every time??

🙄 it's called compromise.

If its only two hours, then feed baby right before leaving and feed again when you come back.

I don't really see the issue.

I think YABU. It’s one day a week, DSD is a new big sister and she wants to see her brother. It’s not that hard to be home for that one day.

@Thesnobbymiddleclassone he's 4 weeks old it doesn't work like that. He cluster feeds. I can't just leave him with DH with nothing to eat can I?

If its only two hours, then feed baby right before leaving and feed again when you come back.

It took me a lot longer than four weeks to be confident of when DS had eaten enough to go a couple of hours - at that point he was perfectly capable of feeding and then crying for more half an hour later. I've actually never left him without food (he will take expressed milk from a bottle now, but we didn't do that at four weeks) as I hate the thought of him crying for food so much, and he's 4 months. I don't think OP is being weird or unreasonable not to want to do this.

Cross post, but exactly!

Plus it's 30 mins travel each way. I can't leave a cluster feeding 4 week old for 3 hours..,

I'm torn - I would have agreed with you except 1 evening and every other weekend leaves PLENTY of time to arrange things on other days.

When I had my daughter my stepson was 4 and he was SO excited and obsessed with her - I think if he had come round and she wasn't there at all he would have been upset. Thought it never happened as we have him 50/50 anyway.

Thank you @LisaSimpsonsbff ! Very uncomfortable thought leaving him that long whilst he's so young and dependant on me for food.

Op if you say yes to things like this now it will set a precedent. Do what’s convenient for yourself and your baby. Obviously without being unfair to the little girl. Making her absolutely number one in the household will do her no favours.

@OhComeOnRon unfortunately my appointment is dictated by when my braider is free though, not just when I fancy having an appointment.

He’s being an arse.
I’d be telling him to fuck off.

YANBU at all. The World doesn't stop, your DSD can see you both next time she's there.

I say this as a mother, a step parent and a step daughter......

He is being ridiculous and the nature of your appt is utterly irrelevant - there will always be times where it isn't practical or convenient to have another child for a couple of hours.

DSD's relationship with her sibling is not going to be damaged or destroyed by a couple of hours absence and its not sensible to set up such a rigid expectation.

For one evening she can do something special with her DF and then do something with you all together at the weekend.

Instead of thinking of this as an either / or, could change the day your dsd comes or ask if your friend could come to you to do your hair as a one off? You are 4 weeks post partum with a newbie. This would be a good solution.

YANBU I would say to your dh that you are going to the appointment. Could your dh take your dsd out for the evening and make it like a special treat for been such a good big sister. They could go do something they can’t do with a baby.

I see you’re pulling the BF card which is all well and good except you have multiple other nights throughout the week to schedule your appointments. Yes, you can’t leave your baby but you don’t need to leave your DSD either on the very few days you have her

Should have added, if not, your dh is being melodramatic.

Bertram
“pulling the BF card”

Are you female? Those are words of MRA’s and incels. Shame on you.