Restricted by days DSD is here...

[QueQue]

I have a 4 week old baby.

Also have a DSD who is here one weekday every week and every other weekend Friday-Sunday.

Husband wants me to never arrange something on these days because it prevents DSD from seeing her sibling.

I haven't arranged anything for the past 4 weeks on these days, and I try my best not to, but next week I have an appointment on the weekday evening. It's not an essential appointment but it's something I do regularly and it's the only day available for 2 weeks.

I've booked it.

DH thinks I'm cruel because DSD will now not see her sibling for a week.

I don't know what to do. I've avoided making appointments for the past 4 weeks, I've not had visitors on these days. They've been dedicated solely to DSD. Surely I need to have a life though and can OCCASIONALLY do something on these days?

Or AIBU?

Can they come with you (not to the appointment, just the area!) and go do something whilst you're there? Then she has seen the baby, even if it's just in the back of the car.

YANBU to keep a regular appointment though.

I think DSD needs some time with her father on her own so she doesn't feel she has to share him with baby all the time.

I think your DH is being ridiculous. It's one day when your DSD won't see your DS - I'm sure she will cope with not seeing him until the weekend. You can't put your life on hold.

Oh and I don't believe that just because it's beauty related instead of medical/dentist that you should feel guilty about it. A lot of mental wellbeing is related to self-care and like I said, I was a mess after giving birth - it turned my world upside down (in a good way but it was all a bit of a haze). Self-care is really important to keep up IMHO.

I read something once that said putting on makeup (for example) is an act of positivity. It's something that many take for granted but when we stop caring attending to our self-care needs then it's not good. Just making the point that it's not "just" frippery as some might think it is.

I agree with PPs that it is very important for your step daughter to have 1:1 time with her dad particularly as there is now a new sibling who gets to live with Dad fullmtime whilst she only gets him part time. He is being insensitive to her needs as well as yours here.

@SoupDragon its not possible annoyingly, otherwise I would just take her with me (I have done before and usually treat her to something too). It's not in the area I live so I have to travel for it. DH picks her up from school and by the time he travelled to me it would be time for her to go back to her mums house.

I'm feeling impatient just reading this thread!

Of course you want to give your DSD the chance to bond with the baby, but maybe she's not as bothered as your DH imagines? 4-week-old babies are fascinating to their parents, not so much to others. She might enjoy some one on one time with her father.

It gives me the creeps how much new mothers are controlled by men. You have enough to do looking after a baby without suiting every other bugger on the planet.

I’m sure the dsd would enjoy some time on her own with her dad. You’re not unreasonable x

I have a stepson who is 9 and both sides are very flexible. If the son wants to, for example go to a party on the day my fiance and I are meant to have him we just have him a different day. Equally, if there is an event my fiance and I have to go too then we talk to my stepsons mum and rearrange a different day. You absolutely cannot put your life on hold like this. Arrangements cannot be set in stone as the step child is also a person who (if not already) will want to do other things aswell as see their other parent if that makes sense.
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, your DH is being unreasonable, as a previous poster has said, they will now be siblings for life, an one evening is not going to affect their bonding with each other

...it also smacks of the way exes insist on having the new love of their lives present every time they have their children, instead of focusing on the child. Your DH should be spending as much time with his daughter as possible, not forcing her to have the baby as the focus of attention every time she visits.

YANBU, and she will see him at the weekend anyway. As some PP’s have said, if it’s made to be a huge deal by your DH then chances are it will become a big thing for her as well.

Are you getting your hair cut? Get DH and DSD to come with you. Feed the baby just before you go in. You have your appointment while DH takes DSD and DS to a local cafe/McDonald’s/ whatever and gives DSD dinner. They get bonding time. You get your hair done in peace (or whatever mysterious beauty appointment it is that makes life easier with a newborn), baby will sleep in a sling or buggy with dad and everyone will be happy.

They will be close by, so if the baby needs feeding again or just won’t settle DP can bring him straight back. Everyone’s happy.

I agree in future, that you should be able to do stuff on these days. But I’m guessing DSD has only seen her brother a handful of times so far, it’s a very delicate time for older siblings in a blended family and tbh I’d trust that your DP knows what’s best for his daughter and listen to him when he says her seeing her brother is important.

@Juells to be honest, DSD does that herself. She's obsessed with her sibling and follows me around wherever he goes. It's sweet and we encourage her involvement as much as possible. She won't even let me change a nappy with me making her designated outfit picked or wipe passer! So I do understand she will be disappointed he's not here but surely that's just life?

YANBU. You are allowed to consider your own needs and feelings in any family, not just a blended one!

Your dsd will survive without seeing her brother for one evening, and she and her dad can enjoy some time together.

Sounds like your h needs to be reminded he should take your wishes and feelings into accounts, not just his dd's.

YANBU, you should definitely go to your appointment, you need to do something for yourself (I have a 7 week old so know how it feels!) Your DH will have to plan something with his DD (cinema??) and explain that you'll try to be around when she's there but it won't always be possible. It's not fair that you are tied to the house EOW, you should be able to see friends/family also, as long as you're there for a good proportion of it I don't see the problem. His request seems very controlling to me. Just do as you usually would within reason and don't set the precedent. Your well-being is very important.

Can they come with you (not to the appointment, just the area!) and go do something whilst you're there? Then she has seen the baby, even if it's just in the back of the car.

This is bonkers advice imo. DSD won't die if she doesn't see her brother one eve. Why should OP have to change ehr plans/accommodate dsd every time??

Basically I have very Afro hair that takes a lot of maintenance and it's hard with a newborn so I'm having a protective style put in which I usually have but haven't been able to go since the birth. Chances of DH reading this are slim (I hope!)

I think his DD might like some 1-2-1 time with her DF. Everything for the last four weeks has most likely been baby focused, so some alone time might be a good idea.

You'll never please all the people. Also, it will give your DH time to spend alone with his DSD. Couldn't your DH take your DSD to the cinema or for a pizza or shopping? Some treat that is 'just the two of them'.
Because he's making this all about you. He could easily address the balance by stepping up and providing a nice day/evening for his DSD with an idea of his own. The DSD might actually enjoy getting his sole attention for that time.

@QueQue I just meant what you said. Youve got an actual appointment, so life goes on and you need to go.
Its one thing being accomodating for some things, but you cant restrict your life and just never do anything else on days dsd is there. Thats pretty unfair on you

You really mustn't give in to this emotional blackmail. It's setting the dangerous precedent that your family life will be dictated by DSD and your DH.

Ignore him and just go. He'll get over it.

To be fair he takes her out for 1-1 time the weekends she's here. It's more to give me a break as she's extremely full on and follows me everywhere. She's very hyper and DH understands it's hard with a newborn. It doesn't really bother me to be honest, I was relieved she wasn't jealous (though this might still come!).

I feel like I'm just trying to be as normal as possible and he's making things complicated rather than just being a parent and teaching her that not everything always happens in the same way.

Oh sorry @Branleuse - it looked like you were implying I didn't actually have an appointment! I read it wrong..

If it's a beauty thing, will you be allowed a wee baby in the space?

I know the girl who does my nails doesn't allow babies in the salon because of the fumes from the chemicals etc.