Restricted by days DSD is here...

[QueQue]

I have a 4 week old baby.

Also have a DSD who is here one weekday every week and every other weekend Friday-Sunday.

Husband wants me to never arrange something on these days because it prevents DSD from seeing her sibling.

I haven't arranged anything for the past 4 weeks on these days, and I try my best not to, but next week I have an appointment on the weekday evening. It's not an essential appointment but it's something I do regularly and it's the only day available for 2 weeks.

I've booked it.

DH thinks I'm cruel because DSD will now not see her sibling for a week.

I don't know what to do. I've avoided making appointments for the past 4 weeks, I've not had visitors on these days. They've been dedicated solely to DSD. Surely I need to have a life though and can OCCASIONALLY do something on these days?

Or AIBU?

I see you’re pulling the BF card

Damn right she’s pulling the BF card. At 4 weeks she’s still getting the hang of it and might not be ready to leave her baby with someone else just yet, even her partner.
I’m 8 weeks in and not started expressing yet. So basically everywhere I go, baby goes.

I do wonder what the DSD thinks about this.

Maybe she is craving some time with her Dad (and you also) w/o her new sibling there, as much as she might love him.

4 weeks in with a newborn and I think it's entirely reasonable you do something that puts you first. It sounds like you've been very understanding and have put your DSD needs above yours.

How old is DSD?

OP is trying so hard to come across as super mummy without realising she’s also coming across as the wicked step mother!

Says the GF trying to control a new mother's movements.

On the week you have your DSD just one evening, I would try to keep that free. Obviously a one off unavoidable appointment shouldn't be a problem though. On the weekend that you have her from Fri-Sun, I think it's reasonable to do something if you need to as there are 3 days and surely she wouldn't want to spend the whole time with her little brother. It's early days though, everything will be more settled in a few months.

I have African friends, so understand your need to get this done.

I thought at first it might be eyebrows, which I would have said could wait. But you are quite right to go to this appointment.

"And if he’s trying to control your life for 10 days a month then he’s not a great partner either."

Please don't listen to that. You are all a Family. The birth of a baby can make or break a Step Parent/Child relationship. It looks like yours could make your bond with your Stepdaughter stronger.

Surely you want to see your DSD? I'd try in the future to make appointments around her coming. It will only be for a short while, until you can express.

Managing Step families isn't easy and it does mean compromise on the part of the Adults, like it or not.

You say that you think it's restrictive, but having children and you have two, now, can mean restrictions.

It's a one off appointment not a regular thing. Is it better that they all go to the appointment and Dad brings baby to mum when hungry? That's not going to be fun for dsd.

pulling the breastfeeding card?? Its not a fucking game.

How about pulling the "as an adult I dont need your permission to go out" card.

It’s different as I was in a nuclear family, but I didn’t give a toss about any of my sibs as NBs/small babies. Of course I adore my own when they’re tiny, but it’s in an obligatory “I’ll do my best to keep you alive so you stop being a screechy eating machine and get more interesting” sort of way.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having an occasional appt that takes you and baby away from DSD, if you’re an otherwise good SM there’s no reason for it to make her feel insecure. These things can’t always be helped, you’re family and family members have to fit round each other.

"Is it better that they all go to the appointment and Dad brings baby to mum when hungry? "

What a fucking palava that would be!

Realistically Op, how little time will his daughter miss with her half sibling?

Couple of hours?

I would have thought that he would have jumped at the chance to do something with her without her focus being solely on the baby.
(If that is usually what happens)

YANBU and given your step-daughter's current gravitation towards you I would say your DP needs to work on building his 1-1 relationship with her so that she doesn't feel his love / approval is dependent on her acceptance of you and the new baby

Please, please keep your appointment - I get it - braids will give you so much more time back. Plus it's a few hours with a friend, it's a bit of 'me' time and it's important you stick to your guns on this one.

DSD sounds ace with the baby, but like PP say, I'm sure she'd secretly love to have her dad to herself for a few hours.

In families where all siblings live together it's important for parents to try and have one to one time with each child if possible. I don't think this is any different - tell him that!

Also, is this how it’s going to be forever? Will your DS have to forego parties for his preschool friends that fall on weekends when SD is with you, or not have any clubs on weekends, nor have you and DH split to do different activities as the kids want different things?

She will see him a couple of days later. What a monumental amount of fuss over nothing.

Pandering this much to an 8 yo is going to cause cause HUGE problems. If everything always goes her way, she’s not going to develop any resilience and this is NOT good for a child. She NEEDS the ability to roll with the punches in life.

Talk to your DH. Tell him this. Also tell him that you will no longer be ‘not making other plans’ on 10/30 days of the month so you can sit around the house to be at your SD’s disposal. If he doesn’t trust you to consider her needs (not just wants) then why did he have a baby with you?

I would choose not to consistently make plans when she’s going to be there, but I would not be dictated to.

I absolutely think you should go to your appointment. And I think your DH is being unfair in guilt tripping you. And - for what it's worth - I would have been deeply uncomfortable leaving either of my BF babies for more than about an hour at the age of 4 weeks. Not because they would starve in that time, more that they would scream themselves silly if they decided they wanted a feed. And neither would take a dummy so that was a non starter as a stop gap.

But....

Could your friend come to you to do your braids? I know it's potentially a big ask due to the travel time but wondered if that was a compromise?

Also, I do think it's slightly over dramatic to say you're expected not to leave the house / do anything else on every day the DSD is with you. Weekends should be simple enough as she should have some one on one time with her dad anyway and it's a longer period so if course you shouldn't have to spend 24 hours a day together. And it's not like you're being asked to be housebound, just that the activities also include the DSD so she has time with her sibling.

The weekday evening is trickier as it's such a short period of time so - to be honest - I think it is fair that you try to avoid scheduling things that will take you away from home on those days. As your baby becomes older and starts to settle into a routine this will probably become simpler for you anyway. When they're so new and not really aware of night and day it doesn't really matter, but as they get older and perhaps fall into a bed time routine, evening appointments always become tricky anyway if you want to avoid an overtired baby that will then keep you up half the night.

Just go OP.
Get your hair sorted and take your baby.
It's one contact visit!!!
Just the ONE!!!!
She can have some nice 1-to-1 time with her dad without the baby taking the focus away from her.
Surely she'll enjoy that????

You should be able to do something for you and if it doesn't suit everyone that can't always be helped.

I'd tell your husband you tried to get a different appointment but there aren't any. He should focus on turning it into a daddy and daughter session where she is the focus and doesn't have to share him with her brother.

I know you should he usually does this at the weekend but this week it will just to be a weekday evening.

It's not like your doing it on purpose.

Pandering this much to an 8 yo is going to cause cause HUGE problems. If everything always goes her way, she’s not going to develop any resilience and this is NOT good for a child. She NEEDS the ability to roll with the punches in life

But this isn’t pandering to the 8yo. It’s pandering to the man who wants his new wife to be around to care for his child so he doesn't have to do it. Because it’s womens work isn’t it. The newborn baby is just an excuse.

Those of you insisting that the OP has to be around to care for her DSD are NOT listening to biological mothers or step children.

They DONT WANT the step mum to do the parenting.

They DONT WANT the kids who live with the dad all the time to hog all the attention.

Listen to then please. Read what HowAbout just posted upthread.

My baby took bottles from birth (I couldn't breast feed for a couple of days due to medication issues)

I honestly don't see why a compromise can't be sought? Why can't either he have DD on a different day that week or you change your day? To say it's totally impossible to have appointment on any other day ever is slightly hard to believe but I'm not accusing you of lying! Just a bit odd

Either way you need to have a chat with him

Ffs some of the replied here are a joke!

OP you've just had a baby! My youngest was born nearly 6 months ago and I remember how absolutely shit I felt about myself after and just desperately wanted to feel normal.

Go and get your hair done. It's one day in a lifetime!

He is being ridiculous. He and DSD can spend the evening together making something nice for you and baby for Xmas. Then they will talk about the baby and make plans for stuff you can all do together over the weekend, and next few weeks. He can explain that you need to get your hair done and that your hairdresser is very busy and that's the only day she can do it. And he can explain why baby needs to be with you at the moment. All positive; there doesn't need to be anything negative about it.

People men are so annoying sometimes!

This isn’t about his first born ‘missing out’ but more to do with him not accepting that he has two children that will not grow up permanently living together. His suggestion is to assuage his guilt and he has no qualms about putting you under pressure in order to this. Simply tell him that the decision to start a second family is something he needs to accept and you and your son won’t be used as a props to circumnavigate that.

YANBU

Afro type hair is SO much easier in braids. Op is saving herself hours of time every day by getting this done. I have very thick curly hair and it takes hours to put all the products into my hair or style it to avoid frizz (even though my hair isn’t very long).

Your DSD will not miss out by you and DS not being there for one night. She is old enough to understand that she will see you both next time. She can spend a few hours with her father.

Don’t cancel your appointment. Braids will make your life better!

Cant believe some people’s response is to call your husband a controlling arse & to tell him to fuck off!
How dare OP’s husband try & be considerate of his other child’s feelings when things are still so new! 🙄
We have a (very) blended family, & like you I generally try not to schedule plans for when my step child is here but if something comes up, it comes up.
I don’t think it makes your husband wrong for coming at it from a different perspective! He is coming from the angle of a disappointed 8 year old & I don’t think her being excited to see her new baby brother means that she is dictating the family dynamics!
She will be very disappointed to miss him & I think PP’s suggestion to leave a picture & a note “from the baby” is a great compromise.

I must say that I hope some of the posters on here never become a step parent to my child because I would hate for him to feel like he wasn’t a valued part of the family just because he doesn’t live in the same house.

Enjoy your hair appointment guiltfree OP, you definitely deserve it. But a gesture towards your stepdaughter to let her feel missed would make her feel good too

I actually cannot believe some of the responses here! A post natal mother having to justify leaving the house to strangers on the internet so they can decide whether she is entitled to do so. Fuck that shit. She is. No debate to be had. She could be going to have a natter with her sister for 3 hours and it would still be absolutely fine. 8 year olds can cope, and should be helped to learn to cope with not having everything they want when they want it. Especially when they will see the baby in a few days. Utterly baffling that anyone, including her husband, would say anything other than, “don’t be silly, go and get your hair done”

Oh do give over electric there is nothing mean about normal life carrying on once a baby is here. FFS.