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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Restricted by days DSD is here...

297 replies

QueQue · 22/11/2018 09:12

I have a 4 week old baby.

Also have a DSD who is here one weekday every week and every other weekend Friday-Sunday.

Husband wants me to never arrange something on these days because it prevents DSD from seeing her sibling.

I haven't arranged anything for the past 4 weeks on these days, and I try my best not to, but next week I have an appointment on the weekday evening. It's not an essential appointment but it's something I do regularly and it's the only day available for 2 weeks.

I've booked it.

DH thinks I'm cruel because DSD will now not see her sibling for a week.

I don't know what to do. I've avoided making appointments for the past 4 weeks, I've not had visitors on these days. They've been dedicated solely to DSD. Surely I need to have a life though and can OCCASIONALLY do something on these days?

Or AIBU?

OP posts:
OhCrumpets · 22/11/2018 21:07

NWQM if you had, you'd realise that the OPs situation is very different to just 'getting your hair done'. I'll go ahead and assume that you don't have afro hair or know the requirements for managing it.

And as for your comment about salons being open every day where you live, again as per the OPs posts, her friend does this particular thing for her and was only available on a certain day which happened to be the day DSD was there. It was not an appointment made with the intention to avoid her DSD.

I don't understand all the fuss over an 8 year old being disappointed for what is likely to be 10 minutes until her Dad tells her what a lovely time they are going to have together just the two of them and she gets over it. She will see her sibling in a few days and will be a sister for her entire life it really isn't the massive thing you are making it out to be.

HellenaHandbasket · 22/11/2018 21:08

Bet you never thought this many people would be discussing your hair eh OP 😂

zizza · 22/11/2018 21:11

Sorry if you've been asked/already said.... But could your hairdresser come to you?

Joinourclub · 22/11/2018 21:15

Your husband is being a drama lama. The baby has only been around 4 weeks, so his daughter coming over with no baby to see is hardly unusual! He just needs to ‘sell’ the visit to her as ‘daddy daughter time’.

MadameButterface · 22/11/2018 21:32

“To say it's totally impossible to have appointment on any other day ever is slightly hard to believe but I'm not accusing you of lying! Just a bit odd”

I work in a salon. Our next available appointment barring cancellations is January 5th.

Worriedworry · 22/11/2018 21:49

Wow. That escalated!

dwab45 · 23/11/2018 17:55

DH and DSD need to realise you and baby also have lives. Flexibility should be the keynote. DH sounds inflexible to the nth degree.

Marcipex · 23/11/2018 17:56

And you can't have visitors on those days either?
Pffft what nonsense.

kazzer2867 · 23/11/2018 18:17

funinthesun18 I totally agree with you. I know you have to compromise sometimes, but some of the advise given comes across as pure guilt tripping. QueQue, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I have afro hair, my hair is braided and I go to someone's house to get it done. You take the appointment that's available.

Toolonguntilthenextholiday · 23/11/2018 18:19

I have been in this exact situation. My advice would be that it would be great for your DH to spend sone 1:1 time with his DD every now and then. It’s very sweet that your DSD is keen to see the baby, but let’s nit forget that until very recently she did not have to share her dad with anyone. She may be a little jealous and having some special time with her dad would proay really nice for her.

(Apart from the fact that you are entitled to your own life and your own needs and one evening is not the end of the world - it’s ridiculous to even make an issue out of it. Is your husband nervous to upset his DD and then getting a complaint from his ex wife?)

KellyW88 · 23/11/2018 18:27

I can see DH’s desire for DSD and DS to bond but I’d say he’s the one who is being unreasonable - not you, even if, for him it comes from the right place...

Maybe suggest DSD would enjoy having an evening just him and her to spend quality time together - I know when my DH was a child and had a similar situation where he was suddenly part of a blended family, he needed that time alone more than ever as he started to feel life was all about the other kids and not him (the eldest but only by about a month).

Hope it works out OP, sounds like a lovely DH and Father but possibly trying to force a solution to a problem that doesn’t exist (I.e worried DSD won’t like DS if she’s not spending all the time she can with him).

HollyWollyDooDah · 23/11/2018 18:29

Tell him it would do dsd good to have some one on one time with her dad

We often forget in “blended” families that as much as new babies and new relationships are exciting etc sometimes the kids need time with their parent one to one

My ex-h has just remarried and she has two children. I’m more than happy and they get on well with my daughter but I have asked him to consider one to one time with our D.D. away from new wife and kids

Snog · 23/11/2018 18:29

Maybe she can do something fun with her dad or go out for dinner just the two of them?

YANBU but it's cute that she loves her baby bro

Cherries101 · 23/11/2018 18:38

If you’re on mat leave surely you have the rest of the week AND the weekends your DSD isn’t around to make these appointments. Choosing the days you know she’s around is potty

jxnx · 23/11/2018 18:42

Dad could make a big fuss of her taken her out and do something you can't do with a baby. I'm not sure having all the time she has at yours revolving around the baby is ideal either. Perfect opportunity to remind her she's still daddy's girl x

Miscible · 23/11/2018 18:51

Cherries101, if you can't RTFT, at least take the trouble to RTF OP's posts.

Missingstreetlife · 23/11/2018 19:02

Your dh is trying to make up for not being with DSd all the time. That can't be done,,it's ridiculous.she will be perfectly fine and you need to look after yourself. End of. Tell him he's being an arse. Don't let him set this precedent. Family life involves compromise and juggling priorities, taking account of different needs and changing situations. Some men are a bit rigid and think in numbers not feelings. Do what you need to do and don't be bullied

YearOfYouRemember · 23/11/2018 19:10

Btw he should be more hands on with his dd than you are with your dsd…

Aridane · 23/11/2018 19:16

I agreed with mirri, bob and electric

happypoobum · 23/11/2018 19:17

Not being able to leave an EBF newborn for 3 hours is only playing the breastfeeding card if you're as thick as pigshit

Well I could not have left my EBF baby at 4 weeks for 3 hours. I can assure you I am far from thick. Your comment is really ignorant and weirdly spiteful.

Anyhoo, back to OP - I agree with PP. DSD will probably be delighted to be able to spend some time 1:1 with her father. DH needs to get over himself.

happypoobum · 23/11/2018 19:18

Oh Sorry - I am thick as pigshit. I have misunderstood! Sorry!

brizzledrizzle · 23/11/2018 19:19

Surely it depends what the appointment is? if it's two hours with your family who can only do that time then fair enough, if it's two hours at the hairdressers then YABU as it's not a great place to take a baby to and you can do it another time.

m0therofdragons · 23/11/2018 19:21

Actually I think that with a newborn having arrived it's really important for the dsd and her dad to have some 1:1 time. I wouldn't do it often but occasional times when she's there without sibling could help their relationship.

LunaTheCat · 23/11/2018 19:29

I think your husband is being unreasonable and controlling. Is he controlling in other ways?

Livpool · 23/11/2018 19:30

Can you suggest something fun they can do together that sort of includes your DS - like making a collage of photos for him? You definitely some you time to help get back to normality xx

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