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AIBU?

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Original poster

Why has he not proposed yet?!

196 replies

Ems12390 · 22/11/2018 00:15

I’m so confused and so annoyed at the same time.

Basically I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and we have a beautiful 9 month old baby girl who we both adore.
My boyfriend has always said how he is so happy with me and so comfortable and has never felt like this before and, I will admit, I was a lot more affectionate before our baby and since her I haven’t been as touchy feely, but he admits he is overly touchy feely so I can’t keep up with it as much as he likes, but he has always hinted about marriage and always asks on a weekly basis almost if I will stay with him forever.
Anyway, we both had some spare money a few weeks ago where we decided we both would have a grand each to spend as we please and as I have put weight on since our baby I decied I would spend my money on new clothes and some gifts for her, also bought some presents for him. He did not spend his money for ages, although it was slowly being spent on silly things like takeaway’s and whatever. I said to him he needed to spend it on something worthwhile quickly or it will all be gone on junk bla bla bla. Anyway in the meantime he did hint when he was drunk that he was planning on spending it on a ‘special gift’ for me, even found that he had been looking at engagement rings ‘incognito’ on his phone (when I went to look something up on his internet, we use each others phones all the time), and so many times there were hints how he was saving it for something special. To speed things along I continuesly said to him he needed to spend it quick as it was just going on nothing and he will never have this amount of money to spare ever again, so he listens and it backfires on me and he buys himself golf clubs! I am so upset to be honest as, like I said to him, he will never have such money spare again. We have joint accounts so he’ll never be able to buy me a ring, ever basically.

What annoys me more is how he propsed to his ex after around 18 months together (they broke up 3 years before we got together). I don’t know if its the fact how I am divorced (divorced when I was 26!!) or the fact he just admited tonight how he was physically abused by his ex, but I am just so confused and upset why he hasn’t proposed to me. I have said many times that the price of the ring doesn’t matter when he has asked about friends getting engaged and bla bla bla so I just don’t understand. Yes he did say yesterday that spending around £2000 so oule be the ideal but he’ll never be able to do that so why would he wait for such a thing, if that is what he’s doing!!

Am I being unreasonable?! We both love each other so much and are the best of friends and I just don’t get why he doesn’t want to propose to me!

OP posts:
Hedgehogblues · 22/11/2018 00:17

Why don't you propose to him?

Bibijayne · 22/11/2018 00:19

Why don't you propose to him?

seventhgonickname · 22/11/2018 00:20

Why haven't you proposed to him if you love him so much?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 22/11/2018 00:20

If you want to get married then say so. Suggest setting a date for it. Don’t be so passive.

KoshaMangsho · 22/11/2018 00:21

Given that you have a child together, instead of the hints and surreptitious phone snooping, would it not be the grown up thing to do to have a conversation about it? Does he ever want to get married? Does he have a timeline? Do you? Surely the important thing is making a success of the marriage not the proposal or the ring and the former is usually based on honest communication.
DH and I have been toghether for 17 years now- we met at Uni aged 21. We decided very early on we were serious, we had multiple marriage conversations, then in our late 20s over a glass of wine on holiday decided to make it ‘official.’ DH later proposed with a beautiful ring that cost much less than 2000GBP and we are still happily married with two kids. I am not saying there is a formula for doing this, but surely an honest conversation would be a starting point.

FlibbertyGiblets · 22/11/2018 00:23

Oh dear. Well you'll best ask him outright to set a date for your wedding.

Have you returned to work yet?

MissConductUS · 22/11/2018 00:24

You can get married with a silver wedding band, so the price of the ring issue is just a dodge.

YANBU. The fact that you have a child together means that he's already tied to you. Tell him how you feel then ask him to marry you. And if he says no he can sleep in his car from now on. (Just kidding - sort of).

Tadda · 22/11/2018 00:26

Sorry OP, have to agree with Pp- why don't you propose?? You love him and want to marry him? Just ask him??

Aquamarine1029 · 22/11/2018 00:35

You already have a child together. Just TALK to him about it. Trust me, a ring doesn't mean fuck all. You need to know if he wants to make the commitment.

Bahhhhhumbug · 22/11/2018 00:42

He was looking at engagement rings and telling you he as savig for something special for you and knows how much you want that and gets your hopes up...... then spends it on fucking golf clubs just for him,? "Wow, good luck with that Op.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 22/11/2018 00:55

It took eight years for my DP to propose and he'd been looking for rings for a few years apparently (I had no idea). He was just waiting for the right time, maybe that's what yours is doing. It's the right time in your head but might not be in his.

I agree with other PP's, if it is so important to you why don't you propose?

choli · 22/11/2018 01:18

If you want to be married, have a serious discussion about that. If you want to be "proposed to" wait a few years until you grow up.

73kittycat73 · 22/11/2018 01:27

The poor man has revealed past abuse to you and you're worried about a ring?! Hmm Maybe try giving him some support if you can.

73kittycat73 · 22/11/2018 01:28

*Passed.

BrendasUmbrella · 22/11/2018 01:28

If it's something you are very keen on, have an honest talk with him. It sounds like he was at least thinking about it. But there's no reason to think he will never have money to spend on a ring again. If it's the marriage and commitment you want, and you can forego the romantic moment, just talk to him and say that you want to be engaged.

LoudJazzHands · 22/11/2018 01:33

You sound too hung up on him buying you a ring. It's his money and his to spend as he wishes, as you both agreed we decided we both would have a grand each to spend as we please It's not for you to dictate that he spend his money on a ring for you.
As others have said, if it's that important to you, propose to him. You can get engaged without a ring.

1forAll74 · 22/11/2018 01:51

I don't quite understand all this waffle about money and rings,and proposals. You are a couple,who have a baby, and you had some extra money to spend. and you spent it on clothes, and things for your baby, and he spent money on takeaways and golf clubs.. and not an engagement ring.. Best that you try and talk about things that matter to you, and what matters to him.

Prefer · 22/11/2018 02:15

I think some pps are being quite patronizing to you OP. They’re acting like there’s something wrong with you wanting your DP to propose to you and there isn’t anything wrong with that! Yes feminism would dictate that there’s no reason in the world why you couldn’t propose to him, but many women don’t want to do that and want the traditional romantic surprise. I would probably be the same. I’d wait it out a little longer before talking to him if I were you. I imagine he’s a little scared considering how his last relationship was abusive and since you have been previously married. He might see marriage in a negative light and doesn’t want to upset the lovely relationship you already have. I’d continue to make it clear you’re open to marriage when the topic comes up etc. and give him the opportunity to ask. However, if in 6 months or so there’s been no proposal it might be time to have a frank discussion - because you already have a child together and marriage would offer more security to you and your DD, so you’ll need to know where he stands on the issue long term.

choli · 22/11/2018 02:32

Yes feminism would dictate that there’s no reason in the world why you couldn’t propose to him, but many women don’t want to do that and want the traditional romantic surprise. And, like the OP, many will be disappointed.
However, if in 6 months or so there’s been no proposal it might be time to have a frank discussion - because you already have a child together and marriage would offer more security to you and your DD, so you’ll need to know where he stands on the issue long term.
The time for that frank discussion was before having a child. While marriage would now benefit the OP and her DD, what incentive is there for her "partner" to marry her? Nothing will change to his benefit, quite the opposite. If he cared for her and her child, he would have taken care of their welfare and security before this.

StoppinBy · 22/11/2018 02:32

So you spent your money on you and you want him to spend his money on you too?

Seems a bit unfair. IMO in your circumstances the money for the engagement ring should come from a joint account (if you have one) and not money that is his to spend on himself.

That being said I actually picked out my ring (I like coloured stones and not diamonds), showed my BF and left it at that once we started getting that way inclined.

About a week later I took my Mum in to show her 'my ring' and it was gone, I was just hoping that BF had been and got it not someone else.... he had :-) So I got the ring I wanted and luckily for him it was only a few hundred dollars haha.

We have been married for almost 10 years and I still love it.

No need to spend thousands of dollars on a ring unless it is truly the ring that you want. Maybe pick one and show it to him for 'just in case', it might get the ball rolling in the direction you want.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/11/2018 02:32

always asks on a weekly basis almost if I will stay with him forever

So the next time he asks this say "If you want to be sure, let's get married. It's the way to show a 'forever' commitment".

slappinthebass · 22/11/2018 02:39

To me it sounds like you feel the need to be wooed more than to be married to him. You want the romance, not the reality, or you want to show it off. If this is the only time he could possibly afford an engagement ring, and also you don't care about the price of one, why on earth didn't you suggest to him you both put the money in a separate bank account for a wedding? Because it sounds like you can't afford one. If you really wanted to marry him you could have done it with a budget of 2 grand. Maybe you frittering yours away and urgjng him to hurry up and spend his is what made him change his mind about spending it on a ring. Maybe he had a wedding in mind.

FruminousBandersnatch · 22/11/2018 02:51

I think it's really strange that you both "had" to spend this money right away! Especially as you mentioned that you'll "Never have this amount of money to spend again".

Does he still have the receipt for the golf clubs?

DragonflyInn · 22/11/2018 02:58

What Kittycat said!!!

He’s told you this evening he was abused in his past relationship and you’re fretting about a ring? Maybe put this to one side for now and give him the support he needs.

SpaceCadet4000 · 22/11/2018 03:15

Have an open and honest discussion about the fact you want to get married and when you'd ideally like to do it.

I actually know very few people who have had complete surprise proposals, most discussed the fact they wanted to get married in roughly 2 years ish and then the guy found a fun time to make it official.