Why has he not proposed yet?!

[Ems12390]

I’m so confused and so annoyed at the same time.

Basically I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and we have a beautiful 9 month old baby girl who we both adore.
My boyfriend has always said how he is so happy with me and so comfortable and has never felt like this before and, I will admit, I was a lot more affectionate before our baby and since her I haven’t been as touchy feely, but he admits he is overly touchy feely so I can’t keep up with it as much as he likes, but he has always hinted about marriage and always asks on a weekly basis almost if I will stay with him forever.
Anyway, we both had some spare money a few weeks ago where we decided we both would have a grand each to spend as we please and as I have put weight on since our baby I decied I would spend my money on new clothes and some gifts for her, also bought some presents for him. He did not spend his money for ages, although it was slowly being spent on silly things like takeaway’s and whatever. I said to him he needed to spend it on something worthwhile quickly or it will all be gone on junk bla bla bla. Anyway in the meantime he did hint when he was drunk that he was planning on spending it on a ‘special gift’ for me, even found that he had been looking at engagement rings ‘incognito’ on his phone (when I went to look something up on his internet, we use each others phones all the time), and so many times there were hints how he was saving it for something special. To speed things along I continuesly said to him he needed to spend it quick as it was just going on nothing and he will never have this amount of money to spare ever again, so he listens and it backfires on me and he buys himself golf clubs! I am so upset to be honest as, like I said to him, he will never have such money spare again. We have joint accounts so he’ll never be able to buy me a ring, ever basically.

What annoys me more is how he propsed to his ex after around 18 months together (they broke up 3 years before we got together). I don’t know if its the fact how I am divorced (divorced when I was 26!!) or the fact he just admited tonight how he was physically abused by his ex, but I am just so confused and upset why he hasn’t proposed to me. I have said many times that the price of the ring doesn’t matter when he has asked about friends getting engaged and bla bla bla so I just don’t understand. Yes he did say yesterday that spending around £2000 so oule be the ideal but he’ll never be able to do that so why would he wait for such a thing, if that is what he’s doing!!

Am I being unreasonable?! We both love each other so much and are the best of friends and I just don’t get why he doesn’t want to propose to me!

he will never have this amount of money to spare ever again, so he listens and it backfires on me and he buys himself golf clubs! I am so upset to be honest as, like I said to him, he will never have such money spare again. We have joint accounts so he’ll never be able to buy me a ring, ever basically.

OP, you've made it very clear you wanted that money spent on a ring.

I think it's really strange that you both "had" to spend this money right away! Especially as you mentioned that you'll "Never have this amount of money to spend again".

This with bells on! You’ve both just totally spunked £2000 when you could have had a conversation and an engagement ring.

yes I did buy some clothes for myself because I’ve had a baby and didn’t return to my original size waist wise so needed new clothes! I think we all would have done the same!

Well, no-I wouldn’t have done the same. I’d buy some jeans and tops from the supermarket probably if none of my clothes fitted. Then I would have discussed what ‘we’ could spend £2000 on. If there was nothing we needed, I’d have saved it. If we were talking about weddings/engagement rings-I’d have suggested earmarking it for that.

We both earn good money, but would never just cane that amount if we were never going to have £2000 sitting there again!

And before anyone says why does he have to spend his money on me, he doesn’t, he was the one who hinted rings, I told him to spend it on himself and asap as it was going on worthless things like takeaway and food.

I'm merely picking up on the contradictions in your post - you were obviously motivated to start this thread because your DP spent his windfall on golf clubs instead of an engagement ring.

Then when people question this, you suddenly say you told him to spend it on himself ASAP.

That doesn't quite ring true with, 'so he listens and it backfires on me and he buys himself golf clubs!'

🏅

That’s your medal for being the most defensive, passive aggressive OP I’ve ever seen on mumsnet.

Thanks for the medal, at least I got something out of this thread 🥳

so I’m not bothering reading these any more as you all are just so nasty!

So, basically, you just wanted everyone to reply saying "oh no, I can see why you're upset, but I'm sure he'll propose soon" rather than offering genuine advice and insight?

This thread has it all! Fake widows, furious op’s, no engagements, nasty posters! It’s been a wild read.

Whatever you do, do not pack in FT work to be a SAHP with this unmarried partner. That would be one very stupid move on your part. LOL @ all these people who say they are 'traditional' and therefore want proposals and rings but they already have a kid together! You're not traditional! You don't need rings to be married at all, FWIW, it is not a legal requirement.

If you're too immature to sit down and have an honest discussion with him about marriage, it doesn't bode well for your future together.

In hindsight, you probably should've discussed putting the 2 grand aside jointly for the wedding. Whether that be for an engagement ring, and/or towards the big day.

Instead, it does read (purely my interpretation and I admit I may be wildly off), that you sold the house, saw there was a wee bit extra to play with, and came up with an ingenious way to finagle him into finally doing the deed (I mean, you couldn't say, 'here, you have the whole 2K to spend as you wish', that would be too obvious).

Which you assumed he'd be easily engineered into, based on all his nice talk and sweet words.

Only, yes, it back-fired.

There's nothing intrinsically wrong with wanting the big surprise proposal etc etc. Even asking your dad if you want to be particularly backward. However, when you've been together several years, have a child and have discussed marriage but no formal agreement has been forthcoming, that's when it is silly to allow the desire for the surprise proposal to get in the way of having a grown up discussion about your future plans.

Marriage is a legal contract. The other stuff is just things that some people add to it sometimes. but it's a contract, and it makes a difference to your legal position and his. If you're not going to get married, that's fine if you want it to be, but it should be something that's consciously agreed not sleepwalked into because he might get round to proposing one day. And you need to be aware of the legal implications and potentially take advice on the matter.

So, that means an adult discussion soon. Not tonight, I think you probably need to focus on the recent abuse revelations for a bit. But soon, as there's nothing necessarily to prevent you from supporting him through that whilst also taking a mature and sensible approach to your shared future. And the way you do that is by talking like adults.

Also yes, if you've had a kid together and are living together without being married, you are not traditional. Why pick all the worst aspects of both tradition and modernity and uniquely disadvantage yourself!

OP you have reduced your earning potential and pension to look after his child and you are worried about him being "traditional". Women in this position especially who have more children and become SAHM get screwed over. Actions speak louder than all the Disney proposals in the world, book a date for the wedding and see how he reacts.

You have put yourself in a precarious position by having a child with this man when unmarried.

You need to sit down and have a calm conversation, not about rings, not about weddings, but about the need to be married.

Now that you are a mother you need to do some growing up OP.

Your post at 18:00 is why he won't marry you.

It looks like all I'd say has been said, so I'll just ask:

WTF is a "cold coagulation"?

Hope you have a lovely evening in your caves of negativity and rudeness!

Actually, I'll be enjoying it with my husband in our jointly-owned home, perhaps purchasing a few bits and bobs online using our joint account because, since I knew I wanted to be married before having kids, I was never fool enough to get pregnant to a man I wasn't married to, go through with it and then whinge when he didn't do the whole proposal with ring. Happy days!

Instead, it does read (purely my interpretation and I admit I may be wildly off), that you sold the house, saw there was a wee bit extra to play with, and came up with an ingenious way to finagle him into finally doing the deed (I mean, you couldn't say, 'here, you have the whole 2K to spend as you wish', that would be too obvious).

Yep!

That was rather a corker of a last post, but OP if you do come back, it's a good point a pp makes about you having reduced your earning potential. If he's unwilling to get married, not just engaged but actually married, within the fairly near future, go back full time and let him be the one to drop hours for childcare.

We have had multiple conversations about it and he has even said that he’d want to be traditional and ask my Dad if he could marry me etc. So I’m just holding out but I just wonder why he keeps going on about it and hasn’t asked yet.

OP, maybe I'm too cynical, but I'm generally sceptical about men who won't commit to making any firm plans to get married because they want everything to be "right" and "perfect", etc. Sometimes it's a delaying tactic. Since you've already discussed marriage and agreed that it's what you both want, I would ask him about setting a date. If he's reluctant to do so, I'd wonder how committed he is.

OP's replies are probably explaining perfectly why her OH hasn't proposed yet tbh.

If he wanted to marry you, OP he would've proposed 🤷🏼‍♀️

Dontall bit bitchy isn't it?

We have had multiple conversations about it and he has even said that he’d want to be traditional and ask my Dad if he could marry me etc. So I’m just holding out but I just wonder why he keeps going on about it and hasn’t asked yet

Realistically, then, he's either changed his mind or he doesn't want to yet.

So you either wait until he does want to; so you know he chose you and you get the romantic surprise you're hoping for, but in exchange you give up all control over when that happens.

Or you ditch all the ideas about the surprise and the romance and talk to him; ask him if he wants to set a date and do it together. You get more control over when it happens; but you lose the perceived romance.

The choice is yours; but you cannot have it both ways. You can't make him do it on your timescale; and then get the romantic proposal too.

OP, I’d ditch the whole “tradition” as you’ve had a baby without being married. No point picking and choosing to suit him. Especially now you’re working part-time so his career doesn’t take a hit. So next time he says will you be with me forever, say “yes - let’s set a wedding date now”.

Tradition? Given you're divorced asking for you hand etc is a little weird as your dad will have given you away once already. Not to mention having a child out of wedlock.