Why has he not proposed yet?!

[Ems12390]

I’m so confused and so annoyed at the same time.

Basically I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and we have a beautiful 9 month old baby girl who we both adore.
My boyfriend has always said how he is so happy with me and so comfortable and has never felt like this before and, I will admit, I was a lot more affectionate before our baby and since her I haven’t been as touchy feely, but he admits he is overly touchy feely so I can’t keep up with it as much as he likes, but he has always hinted about marriage and always asks on a weekly basis almost if I will stay with him forever.
Anyway, we both had some spare money a few weeks ago where we decided we both would have a grand each to spend as we please and as I have put weight on since our baby I decied I would spend my money on new clothes and some gifts for her, also bought some presents for him. He did not spend his money for ages, although it was slowly being spent on silly things like takeaway’s and whatever. I said to him he needed to spend it on something worthwhile quickly or it will all be gone on junk bla bla bla. Anyway in the meantime he did hint when he was drunk that he was planning on spending it on a ‘special gift’ for me, even found that he had been looking at engagement rings ‘incognito’ on his phone (when I went to look something up on his internet, we use each others phones all the time), and so many times there were hints how he was saving it for something special. To speed things along I continuesly said to him he needed to spend it quick as it was just going on nothing and he will never have this amount of money to spare ever again, so he listens and it backfires on me and he buys himself golf clubs! I am so upset to be honest as, like I said to him, he will never have such money spare again. We have joint accounts so he’ll never be able to buy me a ring, ever basically.

What annoys me more is how he propsed to his ex after around 18 months together (they broke up 3 years before we got together). I don’t know if its the fact how I am divorced (divorced when I was 26!!) or the fact he just admited tonight how he was physically abused by his ex, but I am just so confused and upset why he hasn’t proposed to me. I have said many times that the price of the ring doesn’t matter when he has asked about friends getting engaged and bla bla bla so I just don’t understand. Yes he did say yesterday that spending around £2000 so oule be the ideal but he’ll never be able to do that so why would he wait for such a thing, if that is what he’s doing!!

Am I being unreasonable?! We both love each other so much and are the best of friends and I just don’t get why he doesn’t want to propose to me!

Your issues aside, it’s coming up to Christmas which is classic proposal season. Maybe he’s just waiting until then?

The short answer to why hasn't he proposed is - because he doesn’t want to. There could be anyone of a million reasons for this and we’d need to hear from him to find out.

One reason could be that he has come from an abusive relationship and so is cautious about trusting again. Particularly as you sound quite determined to have your own way OP. You made a unilateral decision that he should spend his money on something significant rather than spent in bits and bobs on luxuries like takeaways, then you continuously told/nagged him to spend it quickly even though he seemed to want to take his time. And when he did spend it quickly you disapprove of his choice.

Tonight he has made a massive admission of being abused in a past relationship and this is pretty much an aside in your post. The sentence sentence goes straight from ‘he was abused’ to ‘I am upset and confused’.

Set your own worries aside for a minute and put yourself in his shoes - he came from an impulsive and abusive relationship to a loving one with you. You’ve been together a long time now relatively speaking and he has made the ultimate commitment of having a baby with you. You have become less affectionate but he still loves you and accepts you and assures you of his love constantly and yet he still doesn’t please you, even the way he spends or saves his own money doesn’t suit you. He has entrusted a massive secret to you and your attitude comes across as ‘never mind that, you’re ok now, what about my ring?’

Take a breath and a pause. You’ve got the important things - a loving partner and supportive co-parent. A proposal and a wedding might come in time or it might not but nagging him and brushing his priorities and concerns aside in favour of your own pursuit of a ring won’t make that happen any faster.

Maybe he's just a procrastinator OP. I'm like that and I know it exasperates my partner and it doesn't make sense to most people. I would discuss it with him or just propose yourself. It's the marriage that counts - it's really not how someone proposes, the ring or any of that.

Don't propose to him. Why would you propose to someone who has clearly expressed that his past is still affecting him. Have a sit down and a proper conversation about it. Just ask him, 'I thought you were going to propose is there something going on, is there a reason why it hasn't happened. Is there something wrong'? See what he says from there. Don't pressure a guy to marry you, but don't beat around the Bush either dropping hints etc that's for when you don't have a baby. You've been together long enpiogh to have open and frank conversations.

Yet again there is a poster on here trying to be all cool about not being married when she clearly wants to be, has his child and is pregnant again. Where's your financial and legal protection ?

Am I piecing things together correctly that OP lied about being WIDOWED?! That's some f*cked up shit if so...

How are you going to afford a wedding if you won't have money again? Surely the obvious thing to do, if you both wanted to get married, was to use the £2k to buy your rings and have a small wedding ceremony rather than blowing it on clothes and golf clubs.

@harriethoyle

Not OP, another poster.

Am I piecing things together correctly that OP lied about being WIDOWED?!

No, not the OP, a different poster claimed to have remarried after being widowed, until a search revealed she was divorced, not widowed.

Lawks! Sorry for thinking you were a ruffian OP

I think you're making it too much about yourself OP. All else aside, since you seem to want to put it there, why can't you spend your own money on a ring? The fact he spent his windfall on golf clubs doesn't mean he won't ever propose does it. Maybe if he does he'll buy a cheap ring? Would that be a problem?
What's the point of strongarming him into it anyway, looking at rings online doesn't mean he's obligated to follow through or wants to leap down the aisle, maybe he wanted to see what they cost for another time, maybe he's just curious; who really knows.
It sounds like you and he have a lot you should talk about. You should be able to just discuss it with him though, and be honest.

We have had multiple conversations about it and he has even said that he’d want to be traditional and ask my Dad if he could marry me etc. So I’m just holding out but I just wonder why he keeps going on about it and hasn’t asked yet.

“He was probably happy to do so initially until you started to nag him and push him at which point he thought 'stuff it', why should she get all she wants, we agreed the money was to treat ourselves and what I want is golf clubs.”

I told him he needed to spend it on himself as it was going on silly things like take aways etc. So I did not nag him thank you very much, quite the opposite! And he was the one who said that he wanted to buy me something special with it so I didn’t even consider wanting him to propose before hand, and he was looking at rings, not me! So I find your comment insinuating that I am selfish and nagging to get married hurtful as it is untrue. He put the idea in my head and he is the one who says to me often he wants to be with me forever to which I obviously say the same.

Please everyone understand that I am not the one that insinuated marriage and all that and we have had adult discussions about marriage before (thank you) and we are very open with each other and I am very sympathetic to what he endured by his ex. All I said was that I was confused why he hasn’t yet given all the circumstances and he had to his ex.

I did not for one moment said I needed a proposal or an expensive ring, I only said I was upset and confused so please don’t be so bitchy and judgemental. I thought us women liked to give nice advice not hit each other down!!!

And with people commenting they don’t get why we HAD to spend the money, it was spare money after having bought a house and decorated it. We thought after everything we deserved a bit of money just for us and yes I did buy some clothes for myself because I’ve had a baby and didn’t return to my original size waist wise so needed new clothes! I think we all would have done the same! And before anyone says why does he have to spend his money on me, he doesn’t, he was the one who hinted rings, I told him to spend it on himself and asap as it was going on worthless things like takeaway and food.

And we both have decent jobs so we could afford marriage (someone made a nasty comment there).

Again having to explain myself, just to be clear, we have savings, we have a mortgage, we are able to go on holiday should we wish, we both have decent jobs - I work in Sales, only part time now due to our daughter and also studying towards a Law degree and he works for the local government. This was just money that we both decided we deserved after completing the house AND I DID NOT EXPECT HIM TO SPEND HIS MONEY ON ME, please don’t insinuate and shut me down for it. He was the one dropping hints AND ALL I SAID WAS THAT I WAS CONFUSED

So I’m just holding out but I just wonder why he keeps going on about it and hasn’t asked yet.

It should be ringing alarm bells for you that he hasn’t. I don’t believe in the patriarchal ‘traditions’ of asking for a fathers permission but the simple answer is, if he wanted to propose he would do it instead of dangling it in front of you.

To play devils advocate, why would he? You’ve already had a child with him and in the event of splitting up, he stands to lose a lot more if you were married.

Also, yes he said last night how he was physically abused, I knew much about his last relationship (which ended 3 years before we met) but didn’t know this and he didn’t mention it in a way where he was still dealing with it, it was after we watched sometihing on tv, and he was actually laughing about how crazy it was, and I was very sympathetic but he said its nothing now that He’s over it as it was over 6 years ago now.

We are in a loving, honest relationship where he uses my phone and I use his and the incognito browser opened when I opened the google app to look up something, to his knowledge, I just didn’t mention I saw he’d been looking at rings in case I ruined it.

Please don’t judge, you are all blowing this way out of proportion and making me seem so bad when I am not.

My partner also is not deviouse so would not string me along.

I completely regret this post now seeking advice as I was confused. You have made me out to be such a bad girlfriend when I am not. My partner is my best friend and he says the same. We go out with friends together often and have such a good time and you’re all making me out to be a bully when I am the complete opposite. I think you all might be the bossy bullies to be honest!

Ok OP, but I don't understand why you're waiting for a proposal? Why is the option of marriage the man's choice? It honestly feels like the 50s. Talk about your future, discuss it like modern people.

I don't think people are really calling you a bully?

Most posters have just been confused as to why you were happy to fritter away money that could have been used for a wedding, and why you won't have a grown-up conversation with him about it.

In our house, any unexpected money gets discussed and we agree between ourselves what to do with it.

It's pretty selfish that you spent your part of the money on yourself but expected him to spend his part on you too...

Also, your original post made it seem like this was the one and only time in your life you'd ever have 2k. You can't blame people for working with the info you've given them!

and so many times there were hints how he was saving it for something special. To speed things along I continuesly said to him he needed to spend it quick as it was just going on nothing and he will never have this amount of money to spare ever again, so he listens and it backfires on me and he buys himself golf clubs! I am so upset to be honest as, like I said to him, he will never have such money spare again. We have joint accounts so he’ll never be able to buy me a ring, ever basically.

It's pretty obvious you expected him to spend the money on a ring, it's right there in your OP ^^

If he wanted to marry you he would ask.

It's simple really.

You live together, you have a child together. He's not your "boyfriend". He's your life partner, you should be able to talk to him about anything and the whole 'Disney Princess surprise proposal' ship has sailed long ago.