Why has he not proposed yet?!

[Ems12390]

I’m so confused and so annoyed at the same time.

Basically I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and we have a beautiful 9 month old baby girl who we both adore.
My boyfriend has always said how he is so happy with me and so comfortable and has never felt like this before and, I will admit, I was a lot more affectionate before our baby and since her I haven’t been as touchy feely, but he admits he is overly touchy feely so I can’t keep up with it as much as he likes, but he has always hinted about marriage and always asks on a weekly basis almost if I will stay with him forever.
Anyway, we both had some spare money a few weeks ago where we decided we both would have a grand each to spend as we please and as I have put weight on since our baby I decied I would spend my money on new clothes and some gifts for her, also bought some presents for him. He did not spend his money for ages, although it was slowly being spent on silly things like takeaway’s and whatever. I said to him he needed to spend it on something worthwhile quickly or it will all be gone on junk bla bla bla. Anyway in the meantime he did hint when he was drunk that he was planning on spending it on a ‘special gift’ for me, even found that he had been looking at engagement rings ‘incognito’ on his phone (when I went to look something up on his internet, we use each others phones all the time), and so many times there were hints how he was saving it for something special. To speed things along I continuesly said to him he needed to spend it quick as it was just going on nothing and he will never have this amount of money to spare ever again, so he listens and it backfires on me and he buys himself golf clubs! I am so upset to be honest as, like I said to him, he will never have such money spare again. We have joint accounts so he’ll never be able to buy me a ring, ever basically.

What annoys me more is how he propsed to his ex after around 18 months together (they broke up 3 years before we got together). I don’t know if its the fact how I am divorced (divorced when I was 26!!) or the fact he just admited tonight how he was physically abused by his ex, but I am just so confused and upset why he hasn’t proposed to me. I have said many times that the price of the ring doesn’t matter when he has asked about friends getting engaged and bla bla bla so I just don’t understand. Yes he did say yesterday that spending around £2000 so oule be the ideal but he’ll never be able to do that so why would he wait for such a thing, if that is what he’s doing!!

Am I being unreasonable?! We both love each other so much and are the best of friends and I just don’t get why he doesn’t want to propose to me!

If he "always asks on a weekly basis almost if I will stay with him forever" maybe he took your "spend it quick" injunction as a veiled discouragement to his proposing?

Normal adults have sensible discussions together about their future, including marriage.

It's 2018 FFS. No woman should 'wait for a proposal'. Sometimes I think Mumsnet has gone back in time to the ears of Jane Austen.

Anyway, no sign of the OP.

years not ears.

If someone wants a proposal that’s fine ffs it’s a matter of choice! It’s a bit silly to want a proposal AFTER having a baby with someone though!

Maybe he doesn't believe in marriage? Not everyone does.
Sorry OP but YABU and you are coming across as rather selfish. Not only did you want him to spend his share on you but you are obsessing over a ring when he'd just told you that he's been a victim of domestic violence. I think you need to get your priorities straight.

Not apologising to MissedTheBoatAgain - her first post to Birdie (not just the others) was monumentally rude and would have been whether she was divorced or widowed. Her divorce might have been through no fault of her own.

Her divorce might have been through no fault of her own

Indeed it might. Why pretend to be widowed, though?

So you had a grand to spend, but instead of proposing to your boyfriend, you bought clothes. That grand would have gone along way towards a wedding. A dress, a ring and a license, even a small celebration after with maybe just both your parents. It costs about £80 each to get married in your local registry office.

Ask him when shall we get married? Then take it from there. If he hums and arrrs and has excuses, you know where you stand. Equally, you could find yourselves arranging a wedding for Christmas Eve.

It’s the twenty first century, take control of your life and ask him.

I don’t know what you are expecting from marriage, but the proposal and the wedding are not the important bits.

Tbh, you sound quite immature, just with the way you write and your attitude, I may be wrong and I apologise if my words hurt you (that’s not my intention) but getting married must be for the right reasons, to the right person. It’s not about a £2grand ring that you say you can’t afford, even though there was a ‘spare’ £2grand flying about not that long ago. It’s about a lifetime of commitment, love and loyalty to just one person. Only you know if you can promise that.

He hinted he wanted to save up for something special but you kept hounding him to just spend it quickly. He could well be thinking your insistence that he just spend his money is an indication you're not particularly interested in marriage. Presumably he is unaware you're also snooping on his online activities so is unable to take any hints there. Just be more direct and honest, it'll help a lot in future.

Why didn’t you say ‘should we put this money towards getting married?’ There job done but you frittered it. Why did it need to be spent? DH proposed to me with a ring on 0% finance that he paid off ASAP as he doesn’t like debt. It was 9 years before we actually got down the aisle (wrong timing, 2 bereavements 2 home moves. When we got our latest house I just said ‘why haven’t we sorted out a wedding yet?’ and got married 7 months later. It was just us on a small Scottish beach.

MissedTheBoat was rude before Birdie said she was widowed.

OP has gone awol and Birdie has flown the nest (of vipers).

I’m getting too old for this.

missedtheboat's first response wasn't that rude and true!! Whatever the reason for divorce it didn't work out fine like she said did it?

In some cultures being widowed is a ~shameful~ thing , a taboo.

Wonder if @Birdie6 has anything to say? Oh dear.

I have been engaged more than once even though only ended up actually getting married once and have never yet had a proposal along the lines of what people seem to expect today
It’s been more along the lines of ‘let’s get married’ followed by going together to choose a ring, which as we were already living together was paid for out of joint account

So you frittered away a grand in a few weeks on clothes and other gifts? Really? And expected him to spend his share on a ring for you?

MissedTheBoat was rude before Birdie said she was widowed

Does that justify the lie, then?

Perhaps @MissedThe Boat remembered the previous posts.
Some people do stand out on MN.

Bizarre to have been together this long and have a baby and have never had a conversation about marriage! If marriage is important to you, tell him and have a chat about it. If you can't have that conversation...

Some people do stand out on MN

Well we're definitely all going to remember Birdie from now on

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but you sound very childish! Your a grown up with child have a frank conversation about getting married rather than waiting for the romantic proposal. Sounds like he’s got bigger things to worry about right now and perhaps instead of fretting over an engagement you should be supporting your partner through his problems.
I’ve been with my OH ten years we are expecting our first baby in the next few weeks. We have talked over the years about getting married and always said one day we will but so far have had some nice holidays and spent money on our house instead.
We will get married one day because it’s what we both want but he hasn’t bought me a fancy ring and done huge romantic proposal and nor would I want him to. He’s not that kind of guy he’s romantic in different ways and I’d hate for him to put on a big song and dance when it’s not him.

Even MNHQ did not do an Advanced Search. They have deleted comments from both myself and Birdie!

Wonder if Birdie posts again?

Even MNHQ did not do an Advanced Search. They have deleted comments from both myself and Birdie!

How odd. I wonder what talk guidelines were broken to get those comments deleted, and why the 'untruth' has been deleted?

MissedTheBoat was rude before Birdie said she was widowed.

It wasn't remotely rude. Birdie said she proposed twice and they worked out fine. MissedTheBoat replied, quite reasonably, that the first one could not have worked out fine because there was a second one. Doesn't matter whose fault the divorce was, divorce means something did not work out.