Why has he not proposed yet?!

[Ems12390]

I’m so confused and so annoyed at the same time.

Basically I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and we have a beautiful 9 month old baby girl who we both adore.
My boyfriend has always said how he is so happy with me and so comfortable and has never felt like this before and, I will admit, I was a lot more affectionate before our baby and since her I haven’t been as touchy feely, but he admits he is overly touchy feely so I can’t keep up with it as much as he likes, but he has always hinted about marriage and always asks on a weekly basis almost if I will stay with him forever.
Anyway, we both had some spare money a few weeks ago where we decided we both would have a grand each to spend as we please and as I have put weight on since our baby I decied I would spend my money on new clothes and some gifts for her, also bought some presents for him. He did not spend his money for ages, although it was slowly being spent on silly things like takeaway’s and whatever. I said to him he needed to spend it on something worthwhile quickly or it will all be gone on junk bla bla bla. Anyway in the meantime he did hint when he was drunk that he was planning on spending it on a ‘special gift’ for me, even found that he had been looking at engagement rings ‘incognito’ on his phone (when I went to look something up on his internet, we use each others phones all the time), and so many times there were hints how he was saving it for something special. To speed things along I continuesly said to him he needed to spend it quick as it was just going on nothing and he will never have this amount of money to spare ever again, so he listens and it backfires on me and he buys himself golf clubs! I am so upset to be honest as, like I said to him, he will never have such money spare again. We have joint accounts so he’ll never be able to buy me a ring, ever basically.

What annoys me more is how he propsed to his ex after around 18 months together (they broke up 3 years before we got together). I don’t know if its the fact how I am divorced (divorced when I was 26!!) or the fact he just admited tonight how he was physically abused by his ex, but I am just so confused and upset why he hasn’t proposed to me. I have said many times that the price of the ring doesn’t matter when he has asked about friends getting engaged and bla bla bla so I just don’t understand. Yes he did say yesterday that spending around £2000 so oule be the ideal but he’ll never be able to do that so why would he wait for such a thing, if that is what he’s doing!!

Am I being unreasonable?! We both love each other so much and are the best of friends and I just don’t get why he doesn’t want to propose to me!

Everything that CupoBlood said

I don't understand why women leave one of their major life decisions in the hands of someone else because it's tradition!!!!!!! FFS it's not the dark ages. If you are equal partners why aren't you talking about your future together?! Marriage is a partnership where you have to work through stuff together so starting off with good communication is imperative.

Fucking hell @MissedTheBoatAgain, no need to deliberately be such an arsehole.

OP - I can see why you’re upset because he’s been dropping hints and not following through at all. But I agree with PP’s that your best bet is just to talk to him. It doesn’t mean he can’t still propose. It just means you can make sure you’re both on the same page and want the same thing.

Listen to CupoBlood

Agree with other posters - it was cheeky of you to expect him to spend his share of the money on a ring, while you spent it on clothes etc. If you’d had a proper conversation about this you could have saved the whole amount for the wedding.

I do understand that it’s nice to be proposed to, and I waited for my DH to propose rather than ask him myself, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a conversation about it. Especially when you have a child together!

Propose to him, though so.eone male or female should only propose because they WANT to and not because they are being rushed or pressured into it...ask him, if he says no, then you just have to accept it....it's not attractive to keep on at someone to marry you...

We decided together rather than one asking the other, we then bought affordable rings (unlike golf clubs they have no practical use!) But just maybe Christmas was when he was thinking?

You do sound very immature. The money attitude is weird, you “will never have that money again”, really? You will never have £2k again? If that is the case why on earth do you have to spend it as quickly as possible? Wtf? And you get to spend it on you and you expect him to spend it on you too?

If you want to get married, have a chat about getting married. We chatted about it many times before a ring or “proposal” came into the equation. Also my now husband was starting out in a new career on low pay and when I realised he got himself into debt by buying me a ring, I paid his debt off.

Because he doesn't want to marry you. Or does not want to marry you yet. No way of knowing. All these hints are just stringing you along to keep you sweet especially as you made the decision to have a child with him without being married first.

I agree with pp, sit down with him and have a serious conversation about it.

Also, if you come into money, save some of it!

I too can't get past the fact that you chose to spend your money on yourself but you want him to spend his money on you! If you want to be married you don't need rings. If you want to marry him then ask him. Christmas is coming up. Nice opportunity?

£2k is enough for a wedding! If you're not well off (which I have assumed from your statement that you'll never have that much spare money again), why did you prioritise clothes rather than sitting down with him and saying "why don't we use this money to get married?"

It may not be a princess proposal fantasy, but you are both grown-ups and this is the real world. It would have been a far better investment for both of you to pool the money and work towards the goal of marriage as a team.

Next time he says he wants to be with you forever, speak to him about marriage. Agree to set up a joint wedding savings fund (each contributing a certain amount a month), and get married once there is enough money in it.

If he doesn't want to do that, this will tell you his priorities are different to yours and you can consider what to do.

@MissedTheBoatAgain perhaps no need to say it but you were right if you check Birdie’s post history 🤣

Tbh, the very fact that you received £2k between you and you both decided to split it into his money/your money to spend how you please indicates that neither of you is really ready for this relationship to be a marriage.

There is so much you could have done with 2k together, but it sounds like it didn't occur to either of you to approach it as a team rather than as individuals.

Your priorities are all wrong. If this was an amount of money you wouldn't have again it should have gone into savings so a rainy day. Instead you blew yours on clothes and expected to he spent his. Why shouldn't he have bought something for himself? You did.

As for marriage, maybe he simply doesn't want it but is making comments to keep you quiet.

Given you've been married before, the vows obviously didn't mean for life and that would be a put off for many to do it again if he wants sba forever relationship.

Honestly I agree with the others, if you want to get married why not discuss it with him,

And you buying clothes with your money and wanting him to buy you an engagement ring with his is a bit off really. I also don't understand why if money is tight, you have a. Baby, and you'll never be able to afford a ring again, why you both chose to fritter your money,

OP, first if all, how can you be so sure you will never have a spare £2k again? Really? If this is the case, why did you spend it already?

Secondly, you have every right to expect him to propose to you and I’m sure he will. Why did he tell you about the abuse situation with his ex tonight, do you think? Is he trying to tell you he’s not ready?

So you had £2000 of 'spare money' to split between you and you both decided to fritter it on random stuff....clothes, presents, takeaways.... Does saving even come into anyone's thinking these days? How about the concept that you could have taken that £2K and put it towards a ring? Or just, ya know...SAVE IT!! There is no such thing as 'spare money' unless you are a gazillionaire and you have made it clear you are not. It's pretty obvious why you say he will never have £2K to spend on a ring when you think that you had 'spare money'... SMH.

Oh dear birdie
How despicable

I mean firstly the thought of frittering away 2 grand when you keep saying you'll never have that much spare would freak me out. I'm a big believer in rainy day funds.
Secondly, stop putting pressure on him. He has just disclosed past abuse to you but you are more hung up on not getting a ring.
A marriage is a very different thing to a wedding or a proposal. A marriage requires openness, trust, honesty and respect. Start off on a good note by actually speaking to him seriously about getting married.

Oh dear, OP. You've just handed him all the power in the relationship, and he would have to be a saint not to misuse it.

Letting a man know that you not only want to marry him but want him to PROPOSE is one of the worst things you can do for yourself. The man will now dangle the idea of PROPOSING over your head like a doggy treat indefinitely - he can drop hints that it's imminent and watch you work yourself into a frenzy, he can punish you every time you disagree with him or aren't immediately wet and willing if he feels like having sex with you by saying he was 'about to propose only you spoiled it'... When this game wears a bit thin he can propose but string you along for another couple of years by never actually booking the wedding. The final stage is either: he bins you and, within about six months, has married the next girlfriend.. or he goes through with the marriage and feels entitled to 'win' every argument by reminding you that you pushed him into marriage and he never wanted to marry you in the first place.

You can either sit down and have a proper conversation with him about booking a wedding date though TBH it doesn't sound like that would go terribly well - or you can start stockpiling savings for yourself towards the day when he runs off with someone else.

OP I get that you'd like 'the moment'. But that is a bit Disney and its time for a reality check.

Focus on helping him cope with the abuse - that is a big big deal.

At the same time you need to learn to communicate openly and honestly. Hinting at things, then being disappointed when those hints aren't acted on makes everyone miserable.

You're not unreasonable to have hoped for a romantic proposal, not at all, but i agree i think it was immature to have frittered away 2k on clothes, baby toys and golf clubs when you are parents now. You'd have been better saving it towards a house deposit, for example. Agree with other posters that my natutal reaction would have been to suggest we use the money for a simple wedding. 2k would easily have covered registry office + village hall with room for trimmings (cake, prosecco, a bouquet and buttonholes!)

Good Lord, Birdie

Who on Earth does that?

MissedTheBoatAgain perhaps no need to say it but you were right if you check Birdie’s post history 🤣

Anyone else seeing a name change in Birdie's immediate future? 😂

I think MissedTheBoatAgain deserves a few apologies!