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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why has he not proposed yet?!

196 replies

Ems12390 · 22/11/2018 00:15

I’m so confused and so annoyed at the same time.

Basically I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and we have a beautiful 9 month old baby girl who we both adore.
My boyfriend has always said how he is so happy with me and so comfortable and has never felt like this before and, I will admit, I was a lot more affectionate before our baby and since her I haven’t been as touchy feely, but he admits he is overly touchy feely so I can’t keep up with it as much as he likes, but he has always hinted about marriage and always asks on a weekly basis almost if I will stay with him forever.
Anyway, we both had some spare money a few weeks ago where we decided we both would have a grand each to spend as we please and as I have put weight on since our baby I decied I would spend my money on new clothes and some gifts for her, also bought some presents for him. He did not spend his money for ages, although it was slowly being spent on silly things like takeaway’s and whatever. I said to him he needed to spend it on something worthwhile quickly or it will all be gone on junk bla bla bla. Anyway in the meantime he did hint when he was drunk that he was planning on spending it on a ‘special gift’ for me, even found that he had been looking at engagement rings ‘incognito’ on his phone (when I went to look something up on his internet, we use each others phones all the time), and so many times there were hints how he was saving it for something special. To speed things along I continuesly said to him he needed to spend it quick as it was just going on nothing and he will never have this amount of money to spare ever again, so he listens and it backfires on me and he buys himself golf clubs! I am so upset to be honest as, like I said to him, he will never have such money spare again. We have joint accounts so he’ll never be able to buy me a ring, ever basically.

What annoys me more is how he propsed to his ex after around 18 months together (they broke up 3 years before we got together). I don’t know if its the fact how I am divorced (divorced when I was 26!!) or the fact he just admited tonight how he was physically abused by his ex, but I am just so confused and upset why he hasn’t proposed to me. I have said many times that the price of the ring doesn’t matter when he has asked about friends getting engaged and bla bla bla so I just don’t understand. Yes he did say yesterday that spending around £2000 so oule be the ideal but he’ll never be able to do that so why would he wait for such a thing, if that is what he’s doing!!

Am I being unreasonable?! We both love each other so much and are the best of friends and I just don’t get why he doesn’t want to propose to me!

OP posts:
CornflakeGhetto · 22/11/2018 03:31

If he really wants to marry you he won't hang around. Perhaps he's not as keen as you wish him to be?

Birdie6 · 22/11/2018 03:37

I've had two husbands. I asked both of them to marry me. It worked out fine both times.

You don't have to wait like a Disney Princess for the big proposal - just ask him if he'd like to get married. Simple.

NameChange457 · 22/11/2018 03:46

If he kept dropping hints and you just kept putting pressure on him to spend his money why? if he won’t have that kind of money again easily don’t you save it for something important rather than try to spend it as quickly as possible maybe he thinks you don’t want to get married.

But I agree with everyone else that your whole attitude towards it sounds immature. You need to have a proper conversation with him about marriage.

(And so what if he got engaged to his ex after 18 months? Maybe he’s learned from past mistakes and doesn’t want to rush into things - it’s not a competition)

everydaymum · 22/11/2018 03:50

He hasn't proposed because he doesn't want to. If he did, he would have done it already. I don't know why - maybe he already feels married now that you've started your own little family, maybe he doesn't feel that he's in the right financial position to get married, maybe he's questioning the relationship. You won't know until you talk about where you're at and what you want. Maybe he doesn't even know that you're so keen!

MissedTheBoatAgain · 22/11/2018 03:53

I've had two husbands. I asked both of them to marry me. It worked out fine both times

How can it have worked out if you are onto second Husband?

If the guy in question; is a high earner; has significant assets or comes from a Wealthy Family he may well have doubts about marriage.

Many people marry just for money. Both men and women.

Tadda · 22/11/2018 04:07

On a personal note have been with my OH for nearly 4 years and he's (sort of!) proposed loads of times (DD1 now 14 months, Dd2 due in 3/4 weeks)...he has sent me loads of pics of rings (still does!) Even bought one, which was too big, so took it back, then recently decided he wanted one 'made for me'....

At the end of the day I love him to bits, I said yes when he asked me three years ago, he says (and I think is quite proud of the fact!) That he's the 'least romantic man in the world' but I don't think he is, just because he can't pick a ring! It's become quite sweet (funny!) - he wants a 'perfect ring'....but also ' an investment for me and our girls :)' just an overthinker!

I don't really care about the ring, or if we ever tied the knot (Vegas now baby :) ) - we're quite happy and what happens will happen-
(I did just read that he might have just shared some important info about his past with you Op....maybe that's something quite important right now- talk to him?)

BadLad · 22/11/2018 04:07

like I said to him, he will never have such money spare again.

Blimey, that sounds bleak. Why are you already resigned to never having much disposable income?

BadLad · 22/11/2018 04:08

How can it have worked out if you are onto second Husband?

You're going to look like a right twat if one if her first husband passed away.

Birdie6 · 22/11/2018 04:26

This reply has been deleted

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MissedTheBoatAgain · 22/11/2018 04:52

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Shoxfordian · 22/11/2018 05:03

Have a proper discussion with him about marriage and ask him whether he wants to marry you.

swingofthings · 22/11/2018 05:37

He probably felt a bit manipulated. You went and spent your money mainly to please yourself, but then started to hint that he needed to not spend his how he wanted and sent all the alarm bells that you expected a ring, so his money to again go what you wanted.

He was probably happy to do so initially until you started to nag him and push him at which point he thought 'stuff it', why should she get all she wants, we agreed the money was to treat ourselves and what I want is golf clubs.

You need to let it go. You could have asked him to marry you and then you could have put the money towards thecwedding/rings. Instead you spent yours as you wished and then wanted him to spend his on you. He'll ask again when he is ready rather than you pressure him to.

MawkishTwaddle · 22/11/2018 05:42

MissedTheBoatAgain

After that comment, you not only look like a twat - you are a twat.

Jesus.

bubbles108 · 22/11/2018 05:45

I said to him he needed to spend it on something worthwhile quickly or it will all be gone on junk bla bla bla.

Why are you telling him what to do with his share of the money?

KanielOutis · 22/11/2018 05:55

The £2k clubbed together could have paid for the whole wedding! If it's marriage you want, you don't need to splash out on pricey rings.

MissedTheBoatAgain · 22/11/2018 05:56

Hmmm. Might be appropriate to send Birdie6 a direct message. Should not joke about other's misfortune.

Littlechocola · 22/11/2018 05:58

It didn’t work out well for him last time. I wonder why he’s not rushing to propose?

If you want to spend the rest of your life with this man you need to communicate with him.

I don’t get the money burning a hole in your pocket thing?

NerrSnerr · 22/11/2018 06:01

You need to speak to him about it. I'm also confused why you needed to spend the money.

Clionba · 22/11/2018 06:14

As pp have said, have a conversation about marriage and express your views.
If you're never going to have £2k again, why spend it?

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 22/11/2018 06:15

MissedTheBoatAgain, it 'might be appropriate' to bloody apologise. Good grief, the anonymity of the internet makes (lets) some people behave in Shock ways.

I don't want to be one of those sanctimonious frugality MNers, OP, but I also do wonder why, if you each had a grand spare (and have a small child) and aren't likely to have that spare again, you didn't save at least part of it?

Apart from that, though, the 'traditional romantic surprise' isn't as traditional as we have been led to believe - throguhout most of history marriage has been a contract to be negotiated, not very romantic at all. And waiting for a 'traditional romantic surprise' involves handing over complete control of a very important decision in life to one party to that decision. Most people want/need equal involvement in important decisions. As women we have been taught to value being 'chosen' and believe that being or not being 'chosen' says something about us rather than about the man making the decision. Believe me, there is something very romantic indeed about having a conversation on a damp Tuesday evening in February (not Valentine's Day) which goes along the lines of 'let's get married' - 'yes, let's'. And a shoestring student wedding 6 months later, no sparkly rock, cheap gold wedding band.

AJPTaylor · 22/11/2018 06:22

Unless you live in Disney you need to decide
Do I really want to get married
What is more important, the ring, the wedding or the marriage?
If you want to get married, have a proper discussion with him about it.

Springmachine · 22/11/2018 06:24

I have no idea why someone who comes into a sum of money that they normally wouldn't have wouldn't put it straight into savings for more important things.

Boiler breaks down?
Car breaks down?
House repair?

Even if none of those were a worry surly putting some towards future planning or even a holiday would be a better idea than bits and bobs, and golf clubs?

Windycindy · 22/11/2018 06:28

The £2k clubbed together could have paid for the whole wedding!

Is it a marriage or a wedding (or a proposal) that's important to you? All are valid choices, and I think it's important to be clear on what you want.

Armchairanarchist · 22/11/2018 06:33

Why didn't you ask him and save the £2,000 for a rainy day? You clearly aren't wealthy if you're unlikely to ever have that amount of money spare again and could need it urgently in the future. You don't need a flash ring or wedding.

CupoBlood · 22/11/2018 06:35

Yanbu to want a proposal
Yabu to expect one
Yabu to not talk to him about how important this is to you
Yabu to spend £2k just like that if you want a ring and a wedding
Yabu to expect him to spend the money on your ring when you've always told him the cost isn't important
Yabu to tell him what to spend his money on and when
But mostly yabu to be more concerned about your ring than his abuse which he only told you about recently