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Original poster

Why has he not proposed yet?!

196 replies

Ems12390 · 22/11/2018 00:15

I’m so confused and so annoyed at the same time.

Basically I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and we have a beautiful 9 month old baby girl who we both adore.
My boyfriend has always said how he is so happy with me and so comfortable and has never felt like this before and, I will admit, I was a lot more affectionate before our baby and since her I haven’t been as touchy feely, but he admits he is overly touchy feely so I can’t keep up with it as much as he likes, but he has always hinted about marriage and always asks on a weekly basis almost if I will stay with him forever.
Anyway, we both had some spare money a few weeks ago where we decided we both would have a grand each to spend as we please and as I have put weight on since our baby I decied I would spend my money on new clothes and some gifts for her, also bought some presents for him. He did not spend his money for ages, although it was slowly being spent on silly things like takeaway’s and whatever. I said to him he needed to spend it on something worthwhile quickly or it will all be gone on junk bla bla bla. Anyway in the meantime he did hint when he was drunk that he was planning on spending it on a ‘special gift’ for me, even found that he had been looking at engagement rings ‘incognito’ on his phone (when I went to look something up on his internet, we use each others phones all the time), and so many times there were hints how he was saving it for something special. To speed things along I continuesly said to him he needed to spend it quick as it was just going on nothing and he will never have this amount of money to spare ever again, so he listens and it backfires on me and he buys himself golf clubs! I am so upset to be honest as, like I said to him, he will never have such money spare again. We have joint accounts so he’ll never be able to buy me a ring, ever basically.

What annoys me more is how he propsed to his ex after around 18 months together (they broke up 3 years before we got together). I don’t know if its the fact how I am divorced (divorced when I was 26!!) or the fact he just admited tonight how he was physically abused by his ex, but I am just so confused and upset why he hasn’t proposed to me. I have said many times that the price of the ring doesn’t matter when he has asked about friends getting engaged and bla bla bla so I just don’t understand. Yes he did say yesterday that spending around £2000 so oule be the ideal but he’ll never be able to do that so why would he wait for such a thing, if that is what he’s doing!!

Am I being unreasonable?! We both love each other so much and are the best of friends and I just don’t get why he doesn’t want to propose to me!

OP posts:
puzzledlady · 22/11/2018 21:00

Oh wow OP - what a ride that thread was. I think you sounds incredibly young and seem to be throwing all your toys out of the pram, because he said something (which you clearly want) and hasn't gone through with it. Maybe he said it because he thought you wanted to hear it. Maybe he will propose. Maybe he wont. All i can think is that if he really wanted to - he would have done so by now, not just talk about it. And maybe calm down a bit - you should a little unhinged about it all....

LoudJazzHands · 22/11/2018 21:23

You contradict yourself OP (more than once), so it's no wonder people aren't falling over themselves to agree with you.

In your original post:
I am so upset to be honest as, like I said to him, he will never have such money spare again.
At 18:00:
So it was fine for people to rip me to shreds as they assumed I meant we would never have the money again was it?

What does a cold coagulation have to do with this thread and how were we supposed to know about it and sympathise?

Strugglingtodomybest · 22/11/2018 21:28

We have had multiple conversations about it and he has even said that he’d want to be traditional and ask my Dad if he could marry me etc. So I’m just holding out but I just wonder why he keeps going on about it and hasn’t asked yet.

Why don't you just ask him why? You say you've had multiple conversations so why not just have another?

harriethoyle · 22/11/2018 21:35

Lololololol @donttalk

WontonSoupForTheSoul · 22/11/2018 22:14

Please do not give up full-time work for a man who has not married you. Keep your earning potential, and make sure you have a good pension. Don’t share a joint account with him. Make sure the deposit you’ve put in to the house is protected.

MissedTheBoatAgain · 23/11/2018 01:58

Actually, I'll be enjoying it with my husband in our jointly-owned home, perhaps purchasing a few bits and bobs online using our joint account because, since I knew I wanted to be married before having kids, I was never fool enough to get pregnant to a man I wasn't married to, go through with it and then whinge when he didn't do the whole proposal with ring. Happy days!

Possible the child was not planned? Only OP can know that.

Lweji · 23/11/2018 06:51

OP, he's giving you excuses, not reasons.

If marriage is important for you, and the legal part should be if you have children, then tell him you should get married and set a date with him. His answer should tell you all you need to know.
If marriage is not that important for you, then stop talking about it and wishing for it. Just make plans to protect yourself financially. In fact you could draw up a contract with him about what to do with assets in case you split up. 😉

TheBigBangRocks · 23/11/2018 07:00

OP, he's giving you excuses, not reasons

You could spin that and say she just wants the ring and wedding day which is the main focus of the opening post.

I'd have more sympathy if it wasn't a second marriage as clearly the vows have been taken once and broken so it's not like as it's seen as forever.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 23/11/2018 07:13

Well, OP, your posts don't present you in the best light.

I notice you don't address the question of why you haven't proposed to him.

Ohhdear · 23/11/2018 07:18

OP go careful with advice on here. The ‘if he won’t marry you leave him’ vultures descended on the last person who was in the same position as you and she ended loosing everything.

TheBigBangRocks · 23/11/2018 07:22

The leave if he won't marry you is frequently said.

Who would want to marry a person they had been forced to marry or who would force a person to marry them? Not really the sound basis for a marriage is it.

If you love someone, the piece of paper doesnt change that. If you don't love someone enough to just be in a relationship then a marriage certificate isn't going to change that.

WomanWithAltitude · 23/11/2018 07:41

If you don't love someone enough to just be in a relationship

What you actually mean is "If you don't love someone enough to take huge personal risks and potentially jeopardise your future financial independence".

Because that's what many women who aren't married to the fathers of their children have done (not all obviously - in some cases women don't give up work or go part time after children, but it is very common).

Lweji · 23/11/2018 07:52

OP, he's giving you excuses, not reasons

You could spin that and say she just wants the ring and wedding day which is the main focus of the opening post.

Sorry, what?
It would take spinning it out of control from the Earth's orbit...

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 23/11/2018 08:25

What you actually mean is "If you don't love someone enough to take huge personal risks and potentially jeopardise your future financial independence".

Yep. So one could just as easily say to the parent that continues to work full time and earn more, if you don't love someone enough to give them some legal protections in return for the sacrifice in their earnings, that's not a sound basis for a relationship. Wouldn't be any less true.

Although the OP does seem fairly blissfully unaware that marriage is a legal contract, not a big day with a dress and a party.

randomonhere · 23/11/2018 08:32

I think some people have been really rude to the OP on this thread and some of the comments are so nasty it makes for bizarre reading. She is under no obligation to account for her whole financial set-up Confused. She’s just wondering why he hadn’t proposed and all the quips of, “Why haven’t you proposed to him?” and nonsense because it’s very obvious she doesn’t want that. Preferring a man to propose to you in a more traditional way does not make you some kind of backward dimwit fgs?

OP, don’t worry. He’s been looking at rings - you know this - so YANBU at all for being in the mindset of half-expecting one. Also you have a baby, so it’s hardly beyond the realms of normal expectation is it? Good luck. I’m sure he will propose soon and it will all be fine.

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 23/11/2018 08:51

She’s just wondering why he hadn’t proposed and all the quips of, “Why haven’t you proposed to him?” and nonsense because it’s very obvious she doesn’t want that. Preferring a man to propose to you in a more traditional way does not make you some kind of backward dimwit fgs?

But it does make you pretty unwise when you're cohabiting, have a child own a property and have had a number of discussions about getting married that have led to nothing.

It's very obvious OP wanted the traditional proposal setup. The point that most of the people asking her why she didn't ask him are making is why she's still clinging to that when it's clearly failed to work for her over a sustained period. You seem to be missing that point.

I'm not saying nobody has been rude to OP, although she's certainly dished enough of it out, but this isn't simply people slagging her for wanting a surprise proposal with a ring. It's people pointing out how prioritising that desire is actually detrimental to her. She's using it as a reason to avoid a mature discussion. You don't fuck around like a princess in a fairy story when you're a grown up mother with one divorce behind you already.

OutPinked · 23/11/2018 08:56

My DP was engaged to his only other serious girlfriend but they were 18 and she was a serial cheat, they were never realistically going to marry. I, like you, was married before. It really, really doesn’t bother me that DP was engaged before and hasn’t asked me yet, we have a child together ffs! That is how you should be viewing it, you have the most serious commitment with him already so don’t even bother with the comparisons to his ex, it’s futile.

As others have said, if it bothers you so much- propose to him!

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 23/11/2018 09:01

I think handing over your power and earning potential to a man who won't propose because he wants to be "traditional" does make you backwards, especially when you have a child and have been divorced. Forget the proposal and book a date.

QueenofmyPrinces · 23/11/2018 09:08

Hi OP,

I can understand your disappointment and do think you’ve faced some harsh and unnecessary comments.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting a big romantic proposal, I imagine many women have the same feelings.

Before DH proposed we’d had plenty of jokey conversations about marriage and although we both knew/assumed it would be part of our future we never sat down and had a serious conversation about it.

I can’t imagine how a serious conversation about getting married wouldn’t end up in a date being set? Sitting down and having a planned talk about getting married is far away from an unexpected proposal in terms of romance.

When DH proposed he did it in the living room, no grand gestures but it was completely out of the blue and felt amazing Grin

Living together and having a child together does take the shine off the dream of having a big romantic proposal as you’re already tired together forever anyway so the romantic idea of declaring your commitment to each other is a ship that has already sailed.

Like I said, I really do understand why you feel the way you do but I’m in the camp of: if he wanted to marry you then he would have already asked.

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 23/11/2018 09:10

Having a child with someone is not the biggest commitment. It's a commitment to the child, or it should be anyway, but it involves no intrinsic commitment to the other parent. The biggest commitment you can make to the person you're in a relationship with is marriage.

Completely agree there's no good in worrying about exes though.

Lweji · 23/11/2018 09:14

Having a child with someone is not the biggest commitment
This.

He could easily fuck off and leave the OP literally holding the child.

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 23/11/2018 09:23

Indeed. And while it's also possible for a spouse to do that too, they'd still need to go through a formal legal process if they wanted to be free of the contract. A legal process that the other partner could challenge.

Alfie190 · 23/11/2018 09:39

I think asking OP's dad's permission to marry when they have already created a child, really bizarre.

RoboticSealpup · 23/11/2018 11:11

It's not sodding traditional to have children and move in together before marriage! I can't believe how many people just do the whole family thing and then expect the marriage to be some big deal white church wedding. You're practically married already (without the legal protections) FFS.

FearLoveAndTheTimeMachine · 23/11/2018 11:26

People saying ‘just book a date’ are being really bloody ingenuous. OP’s boyfriend knows she wants to get married. OP doesn’t know he does, if he did he’d have proposed already. Booking a date would be madness when one party doesn’t want to get married and would lead to disaster. It takes both parties enthusiastically wanting to marry, OP knows she does and he knows she does but up to now, he clearly doesn’t.

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