Why has he not proposed yet?!

[Ems12390]

I’m so confused and so annoyed at the same time.

Basically I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and we have a beautiful 9 month old baby girl who we both adore.
My boyfriend has always said how he is so happy with me and so comfortable and has never felt like this before and, I will admit, I was a lot more affectionate before our baby and since her I haven’t been as touchy feely, but he admits he is overly touchy feely so I can’t keep up with it as much as he likes, but he has always hinted about marriage and always asks on a weekly basis almost if I will stay with him forever.
Anyway, we both had some spare money a few weeks ago where we decided we both would have a grand each to spend as we please and as I have put weight on since our baby I decied I would spend my money on new clothes and some gifts for her, also bought some presents for him. He did not spend his money for ages, although it was slowly being spent on silly things like takeaway’s and whatever. I said to him he needed to spend it on something worthwhile quickly or it will all be gone on junk bla bla bla. Anyway in the meantime he did hint when he was drunk that he was planning on spending it on a ‘special gift’ for me, even found that he had been looking at engagement rings ‘incognito’ on his phone (when I went to look something up on his internet, we use each others phones all the time), and so many times there were hints how he was saving it for something special. To speed things along I continuesly said to him he needed to spend it quick as it was just going on nothing and he will never have this amount of money to spare ever again, so he listens and it backfires on me and he buys himself golf clubs! I am so upset to be honest as, like I said to him, he will never have such money spare again. We have joint accounts so he’ll never be able to buy me a ring, ever basically.

What annoys me more is how he propsed to his ex after around 18 months together (they broke up 3 years before we got together). I don’t know if its the fact how I am divorced (divorced when I was 26!!) or the fact he just admited tonight how he was physically abused by his ex, but I am just so confused and upset why he hasn’t proposed to me. I have said many times that the price of the ring doesn’t matter when he has asked about friends getting engaged and bla bla bla so I just don’t understand. Yes he did say yesterday that spending around £2000 so oule be the ideal but he’ll never be able to do that so why would he wait for such a thing, if that is what he’s doing!!

Am I being unreasonable?! We both love each other so much and are the best of friends and I just don’t get why he doesn’t want to propose to me!

The ‘if he won’t marry you leave him’ vultures descended on the last person who was in the same position as you and she ended loosing everything.

Eh?

Just checked the calendar and it indeed is 2018. If something is important to you, prioritise it, don’t wait around for someone else to.

2018 has nothing to do with it. Nor does the fact she already has a baby, or is divorced or whatever. If she wants this DP to propose to her, so what? It’s hardly a crime. It won’t hurt anyone else? Why are people so joyless and pedantic about these things. I know families with 3 or 4 kids where the DH has “proposed” again for them to renew their vows. It’s lovely and why the hell not? People have the prerogative to do and expect whatever they want.

Who actually said to leave him?

If she wants this DP to propose to her, so what?

It really depends on what's more important for the OP, to be proposed to, the wedding or the marriage.

Maybe she wants to be proposed to AND the wedding AND the marriage and why shouldn’t she? I suspect most people manage it.

More important...

Right, I have to step in again to clarify a few things because this is getting me down now, and now I have had the time to process everything and have a clear mind to get my point written down properly;

1. I wrote the OP when I had drunk a bit of Prosecco and being a bit tipsy I unfortunately came here to air my emotions (worst luck) about an issue that sometimes popped in my head.
2. My feelings of confusion is not something that is constant, it just pops up now and again when I have maybe had a bad day or feeling a bit silly after alcohol, believe me I am very much content with my relationship, I just wonder now and again because of the hints he was giving out.
3. Yes ok, I said I tried to speed things up by hinting things myself and yes, it did backfire! And honestly, it isn't something that is eating away at me and bothering me, sometimes it comes to my head, I am too busy to be pining over a wedding with bringing up my beautiful daughter, work and uni work, along with all the dreaded house work! I just don't have the time!
4. Yes, we aren't in a traditional relationship as we have a child out of wed-lock and I have been married before - I married at 21 and the reason was emotional blackmail more than anything and thinking that "this was it and this is the best that was going to happen to me", I was not myself in that relationship/marriage but finally saw the light and got the courage to end things (that was one of the hardest and most scariest thing I have had to ever do in my life!). So sorry for me wanting the happy ending, although I have definitely had the happy ending already, I would just like to make it completely official and I am not in any rush, believe me, I know we aren't going anywhere, its just sometimes it bothers me (slightly!) although some you might not believe that.
5. We have bought a house, jointly, and also have joint accounts, so we are very much in it for the long run and have had many discussions about our future together, it's just when he started to hint and things like that, oh silly me for wanting it! But let's be clear, I don't need it!
6. I am not after a 'Disney' proposal, although we both love Disney in this house (luckily for our daughter!), and I do know a marriage is a legal contract not just a fairytale wedding, I would love to make us as official as we could ever be as perhaps because my Mum and Dad never married, it is something that I would love to have with the father of my child.
7. There have been some comments about why he would marry me with some of the things I have said, yes I did react defensively and made maybe one or two (at the most) sarcastic comments but what would you all have done after continuously being attacked?

I do not believe for one moment that I am the only one that has felt a bit sad and confused about a minor situation and came to air her issues after having a bit to drink hoping for advice.

To the ones who were horrible to me - I hope that you don't have daughters that might be in the same situation as me in the future as your comments wouldn't be very nice, at all!

Maybe my comments came out a bit muddled and contradicting while going through the comments on the thread but I felt that I had to explain myself and it isn't easy when I am trying to explain something that I felt after having a drink and that it isn't something that is always on my mind so I was very defensive and not coming across making a lot of sense because I was upset and didn't matter what I said I was being attacked again! I have processed everything now and I hope this comment has explained everything and I just hope that someone doesn't see anything negative in this because I have tried my best to explain that I made a silly mistake thinking I would get advice on a little matter that bothered me slightly when stupidly tipsy! I will never, ever post anything on a thread like this again and be assured I would never, ever write to people as some of you have wrote to me.

Thanks for those who understood what I was trying to say. I will go back to my happy relationship and will wait until he wants to propose to me with the ring of his choosing (although I have said the price does not matter as he thought it did), yes ok, I could propose but I am not in any rush (although you might think I am) and yes it's 2018 but he is an old-fashioned gentleman, bless him, and I will wait for him to ask me when he wants to, and yes he did say he would want to ask my Dad if he could marry me, even though we have a child, but I will respect that.

You've already done child before marriage...so it'd be a bit ironic to want some traditional proposal. You want to get married, ask him yourself. This is 2018...you're meant to be equal partners.

And yes, my username has changed as I deleted my account last night but then this morning decided I need to get my point across one last time.

Fine, we hear you - you're a happily settled, totally committed, very happy, secure woman who totally doesn't need to get married.

But maybe take a moment to wonder why, having read your initial post, nearly every single poster heard a very different message coming across?

Just fucking talk to him already.

GlasgowWorrier

Because they did read it correctly, I just expressed a view that I felt when I’d had a drink and only sometimes feel a bit upset and confused about the issue.

I’m sure many of us have had something minor niggling at us sometimes, just that I made the mistake of making a thread about it and totally regret it now!

OP you have nothing to apologise for and nothing to explain! You sound lovely.
I never understand MN sometimes and why people have to be so negative.

Christmas does this to you, the weight of expectation and adverts for engagement rings and Facebook posts with 'she said YES' -- not envy

I totally understand, OP.

I am a proud feminist who prides herself on being very independent and ‘modern’ in her thinking. But I found myself in the same situation as you, where my partner and I had talked a lot about marriage and practically started planning the wedding, and yet I was somehow still waiting for him to propose. I had never realised how weird and anxiety-inducing that whole situation would be! It drove me slightly mad, to be honest. I had lots of serious conversations about it with him, but it always ended with an earnest reassurance from him that he had a plan and to please let him just see it through.

I came on here to ask for support and advice (under a different name) and got much the same response as you, basically telling me I was a Bad Feminist and ridiculous for wanting a proposal and also that my boyfriend was abusive for making me wait.

I am happy to tell you that we are now engaged and the proposal he had been planning for over a year was worth the wait! But I think it’s easy to underestimate how stressful it is feeling like your entire future is in someone else’s hands.

I’ve talked to my fiancé about it a lot since we got engaged, and he said it was hard for him too because he knew how anxious it was making me but also felt all this pressure to make it perfect and a surprise etc.

I think it’s great when people can remove themselves from those expectations and just mutually decide to get married, but you’re also not an idiot for getting excited about a proposal!

My only advice to you is not to try and force it (e.g. by dropping hints about how he spends his money) because that will just make you more resentful and frustrated!

It's not being negative to point out when someone's behaviour isn't very sensible random. You're not actually helping OP by saying oh it'll all be fine of course he'll propose.

OP I'd encourage you to have some proper grown up chats with your partner. Firstly about the abuse revelations, because that's a very big deal and something you will have to process together. But then also about the future. Do this part after the Christmas proposal season has finished if you must.

If you both decide you want a particular type of proposal and wedding and that means not being married for a while, that's absolutely fine. Just make sure you're on the same page. And be aware of the legal impact of cohabiting v marriage, and approach your affairs like cohabitants, rather than trusting to luck that life won't happen while you save up the money for a big day. Consider wills, inheritance tax planning, the way in which you own the property, pension beneficiaries, the greater risk being taken by a partner who reduces income to do childcare if not married. These are all things where being married or not married can affect your position. Take the initiative and make it a really informed choice. This is much better advice than someone saying I bet he'll propose people are just being horrible.

I hope that you don't have daughters that might be in the same situation as me in the future

So do I.

just expressed a view that I felt when I’d had a drink and only sometimes feel a bit upset and confused about the issue

That means it's not really that minor. And it's fine.

Marriage is important, legally and as commitment. And it looks like it's important to you, even though you seem to keep pushing it to the back of your mind.

There is no good reason to hold out for a year or more to plan a huge proposal.
I'm sure he can ask your dad, if that's the issue, any time. And I'm sure he can plan a good enough proposal. Unless you want a huge Broadway style production (doubt it).

I think it's a good idea for you to pinpoint why it's a niggling issue for you and address this issue head on instead of burying it.

Fine, it's (supposedly) important for him to ask your dad.
But you should make it clear to him, and he should take notice, that being married is important for you.

However, I'd probe into deeper issues on his side rather than asking your dad. Communication is important for a relationship and it could be that he got insecure due to previous experiences or he's just not sure about your relationship.

Keep talking to him. No hints. No demands. Just proper talk so that you understand each other.

lisasimpsonssaxophone

Did you have a mortgage and a child together as well?

Great post by lweji, very sensible.