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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to invite my mother over

200 replies

Calvinsmam · 19/11/2018 13:37

My husband is very routine driven, our entire lives revolve around his routine and the fact he likes space and time to sit.

We have a rule that I can’t invite anyone to the house without running it past him first, and he does the same (though he never invites anyone over anyway).

Today I was talking to my mam and she is going through a hard time, she’s been looking after loads of people so I suggested she comes to ours on Friday and I’ll pamper her. She can have a bath, I’ll cook dinner and we can watch telly.

My husband says I’m being very unreasonable as I had my niece to stay two weeks ago and last week I disturbed his Friday evening by going out with my friend and he couldnt relax until I had left the house as me putting my make up on upstairs was distracting him.
He says I should stay at my Mams house and I can’t just invite my family over whenever I like.

I feel embarrassed that I would have to ask permission before inviting my close family over and I am sad that my house isn’t seen as a place where people feel welcome.

Can people tell me if I’m being unreasonable or if I should stand my ground with dh?

OP posts:
Angrybird345 · 19/11/2018 13:39

He’s a controlling freak!!! Yanbu!

BottleOfJameson · 19/11/2018 13:41

It sounds like he has some kind of mental health or neurological issue to be honest. I have a certain amount of sympathy for his mental health but it does sound like you need to come up with a new agreement which allows him his peace and you your social life. You need to be able to invite people to the house but equally DH needs some control too and a peaceful home. Rather than having a system where he OK's you having people over (what if he just says no?) maybe set a limit. Like if you have a guest one weekend night you'll have a night off the next? If you have a weekend guest one weekend the next will be totally free?

Nanny0gg · 19/11/2018 13:41

Um. Stand your ground. You've given plenty of notice so he can put up or go out.

Seniorschoolmum · 19/11/2018 13:42

Yanbu at all.
Your dh needs to understand that interaction with your family in your own home is completely normal.

pudcat · 19/11/2018 13:43

Go and live with your mother. How can you live with a man like that?

allhdghd · 19/11/2018 13:44

I'm autistic and I am very much like your husband regarding visitors.

I'm not controlling Confused

Antigon · 19/11/2018 13:44

YANBU. You need to put your foot down.

If you were inviting people to stay over regularly then he would have a point but it doesn't sound like you are.

Putting your make-on on being distracting to him is ridiculous. Don't let him convince you he's right.

Santaispolishinghissleigh · 19/11/2018 13:45

He needs to see a medical professional if he needs to live like that.
And you need a solicitor if he is controlling you without a diagnosis.

Your dm does not need to make an appointment in advance to see you.

Original poster
Calvinsmam · 19/11/2018 13:45

He does have depression and he is in a much better place than he used to be.
I feel I’ve made lots of compromises to accommodate him, for example the house is completely spotless as he doesn’t like mess but I also have to do all the cleaning as he can’t cope with lots of jobs to do as he gets overwhelmed.

We’ve made the decision to not have children as we don’t think he’d be able to cope and we have a very quiet life.

Most of the time I’m completely fine with it but I am very close with my family and I’ve always had a ‘just pop in’ relationship with them, it makes me feel so lonely to have to not be able to just say ‘come to mine!!’

OP posts:
Looneytune253 · 19/11/2018 13:46

@allhdghd but you would be if you were insisting a partner didn’t have people over at all. I understand it can be hard but when it creeps over into affecting other people’s lives it can be seen as controlling.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 19/11/2018 13:46

He sounds incredibly controlling and lazy.

MRex · 19/11/2018 13:47

That's no way to live, he needs to see someone to address his problem.

blueskiesandforests · 19/11/2018 13:47

Of course its your house and he should compromise as much as you do.

Does your mother live alone though? If so I can somewhat see where he's coming from. I'd find inviting my mother over to have a bath at my house mightily peculiar, and if he's going to be a socially awkward 3rd wheel on your mum's pamper night, feeling uncomfortable if she's walking around in a dressing gown etc it would be better for everyone if you pampered her at hers - she can still bath (unless she doesn't have a bath?) You can still cook for her and watch TV.

Of course it's your house, but I can somewhat see why this might make him feel awkward.

If your mum lives with other people it makes sense to have her over to yours and he is more unreasonable than if you're doing it at yours for no reason.

Santaispolishinghissleigh · 19/11/2018 13:47

Harsh as it is to live with his depression should not be affecting your life in that you feel isolated imo.
Exh had depression which i supported but not the twatism that came with it.

Original poster
Calvinsmam · 19/11/2018 13:51

My mother lives on her own and is very lonely, she lives miles from anywhere and is a hoarder so her house isn’t very nice.
I just meant she could have a bath before bed, no wafting around in dressing gowns.
We also have two living rooms so dh could easily avoid us by sitting in the other room.

OP posts:
RedDogsBeg · 19/11/2018 13:52

Calvinsmam I feel I’ve made lots of compromises to accommodate him, for example the house is completely spotless as he doesn’t like mess but I also have to do all the cleaning as he can’t cope with lots of jobs to do as he gets overwhelmed.

What compromises has he made, does he make, for you? I'm guessing it is all very one sided, i.e., he takes and you give.

What a number he has done on you regarding the cleaning and keeping the house spotless, how very convenient that he gets overwhelmed by lots of jobs.

You are being controlled and dictated to by your husband, you are excusing it and accepting it, is this really the way you want to live the rest of your life?

blueskiesandforests · 19/11/2018 13:53

Sorry - I was still writing my post when your second one posted.

Sounds more of a problem than just social awkwardness and introversion!

Doing all the cleaning because he doesn't like mess but gets overwhelmed if he has to do it would have been my line in the sand - no way! Are you ok with not having children?

He sounds very fragile indeed, or very unwell, or very controlling, or a mix. Certainly more than "just" depression. Depression shouldn't be accepted as permanent and permanently dominating and regulating the lives of both sufferer and spouse. Depression is an illness not a neurological condition. The aim is to recover, eventually!

StressedToTheMaxx · 19/11/2018 13:54

I could not live lile that.
It's great if that suits you OP. But just make sure you are 100% sure it's the life you want also.
Mental health issues are horrible but it doesn't me he can use it to control every aspect of your life.

happygirly1 · 19/11/2018 13:55

It sounds like the only one making compromises/concessions to improve his mental health is you.

A messy house would stress him, but cleaning it would stress him too so you have to do it all?

You putting makeup on last Friday disturbed him that much it was brought up as one of the reasons to not invite your DM to look after her this Friday?

Regardless of whether he means to be or not, he IS acting in a controlling way. It sounds like your entire life is set up to make things easier for HIM, but what are you doing to make your life easier/more pleasant for YOU?

Original poster
Calvinsmam · 19/11/2018 13:56

His depression is actually much better now and we’re in a good place as we’ve been able to manage it and avoid triggers. As long as nothing rocks the boat he’s ok.

OP posts:
RedFin · 19/11/2018 13:57

Hang on - he needs a clean house but "can't clean" it himself? He doesn't want kids? He doesn't want you to have guests? So basically you're like his cleaning bot that has no right to desires of your own? That's nuts. What do you bring to the relationship? I'm guessing you're a great housekeeper and maybe provide sex when he wants it, how he wants it. In return you get what from him? Told to be quiet and no we're not having kids? I'm flabbergasted Tbh

Original poster
Calvinsmam · 19/11/2018 13:57

Yeah I feel like a mug to be honest.

When I write it down it sounds really bad, I know exactly what I’d say if it was happening to someone else.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/11/2018 13:57

the house is completely spotless as he doesn’t like mess but I also have to do all the cleaning as he can’t cope with lots of jobs to do as he gets overwhelmed.

This is bollocks, OP. He's got you right where he wants you, totally under his thumb.

You live there too - you should feel able to invite your own Mother over for an evening!

And you putting make-up is distracting? Utter rubbish. He sounds like a nightmare to live with.

blueskiesandforests · 19/11/2018 13:58

Calvinsmam could he be using the threat of depression to control you? He genuinely had depression, but you must do everything as he wishes forevermore or else it'll come back, and that'll be your fault?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/11/2018 13:58

As long as nothing rocks the boat he’s ok.

I think it's time the boat got rocked. Because there's a bloody dead weight sitting in it at the moment.