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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to invite my mother over

200 replies

Calvinsmam · 19/11/2018 13:37

My husband is very routine driven, our entire lives revolve around his routine and the fact he likes space and time to sit.

We have a rule that I can’t invite anyone to the house without running it past him first, and he does the same (though he never invites anyone over anyway).

Today I was talking to my mam and she is going through a hard time, she’s been looking after loads of people so I suggested she comes to ours on Friday and I’ll pamper her. She can have a bath, I’ll cook dinner and we can watch telly.

My husband says I’m being very unreasonable as I had my niece to stay two weeks ago and last week I disturbed his Friday evening by going out with my friend and he couldnt relax until I had left the house as me putting my make up on upstairs was distracting him.
He says I should stay at my Mams house and I can’t just invite my family over whenever I like.

I feel embarrassed that I would have to ask permission before inviting my close family over and I am sad that my house isn’t seen as a place where people feel welcome.

Can people tell me if I’m being unreasonable or if I should stand my ground with dh?

OP posts:
Original poster
Calvinsmam · 19/11/2018 16:24

Yes I tell him he’s being ridiculous when he’s being ridiculous, we are able to laugh about it most of the time and I don’t think he does it to be malicious he just can’t actually understand how else to do it.

OP posts:
Allaboutmeandyou · 19/11/2018 16:25

I don't think its a LTB thread its a he is doing my head in type thread. Have your mother over on Friday as planned you've given him notice so give him some space to digest it all.

RandomMess · 19/11/2018 16:28

Perhaps just make Friday nights a regular "having people over" night, so it's part of his routine?

Allaboutmeandyou · 19/11/2018 16:28

I just read your second to last update. Give him time to adjust to the idea mil is coming over.

Original poster
Calvinsmam · 19/11/2018 16:30

random that’s a really good idea!

OP posts:
Original poster
Calvinsmam · 19/11/2018 16:44

It’s not that he doesn’t like the people and I’m pretty sure that he doesn’t just want to make me miserable, he just doesn’t like any breaks in his routine or surprises.

He’s the same with making changes to the house or buying new things. We always have to source exact replicas of the thins he already has because he ‘likes the old one’, (and don’t get me started on the one time we attempted to shop in Aldi rather than Tesco).

I think having a ‘guest friday’ would be good.

You might have a point about Glastonbury being in his routine gold he does go every year and stays in the same place and takes the same things and makes a well researched itinerary complete with blocked out ‘spontaneous fun time’.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/11/2018 16:51

I think it's a case of telling him compromise and challenging his need for rigidity is necessary.

CrazyGirly · 19/11/2018 17:00

Oh God yeah stay at your mams just for the freedom. Sounds controlling!!

RedDogsBeg · 19/11/2018 17:01

It’s not that he doesn’t like the people and I’m pretty sure that he doesn’t just want to make me miserable, he just doesn’t like any breaks in his routine or surprises.

It is still all about him though, isn't it? You have had to adapt to a different way of living for him, you are living his way and you have no doubt gone down the route of anything for an easy life but if you are honest with yourself the only one it is easy for is him.

Inertia · 19/11/2018 17:03

If it’s genuinely an ASD related disability then yes, some of his behaviour is at least understandable. However, there’s been a huge amount of concession on your part to meet his needs, and none at all from him. He needs a spotlessly clean house but is too overwhelmed to help with housework- how convenient. And I am struggling to reconcile someone being so neurologically sensitive that somebody putting on makeup in an entirely different room in troubling, yet 5 days in the chaos/ mud/ noise of Glastonbury is tolerable.

Perhaps the answer is to introduce the things you need into part of the routine. Plan to have an overnight visitor every 3rd Friday, for example, and have a structure for him for the visit , e.g the visitor uses a particular bathroom, DH can sit in his preferred sitting room rather than joining you etc. Talk him through your pre-going out routine ,make it part of the household routine. If he is genuinely on the spectrum, it might help. If he doesn’t have this condition and is just controlling, then it’s a different picture.

Inertia · 19/11/2018 17:07

And as PPs have said, this is your life too and you only get one shot at it. If one partner has a disability so severe that their partner is their career then of course it’s a different situation, but that doesn’t seem to be the case here. You are an individual with your own needs, and marriage does need to be a 2way thing.

Miscible · 19/11/2018 17:09

The autism thing has been suggested before and we have looked into it

With what result, OP?

Have you also looked into OCD?

Original poster
Calvinsmam · 19/11/2018 17:16

micible

We just looked at the criteria we never had any formal diagnosis as we couldn’t see where to get one as an adult? And I’m not sure even how helpful it would be?

The other thing that I missed out that probably is relevant now I think of it is that he is partially deaf, he went deaf as an adult and I know this triggered his depression and some of his behaviour.

OP posts:
Nenic · 19/11/2018 17:26

Can’t believe the abuse this guy is getting. If he was a child with autism he would be getting a lot of sympathy but now he’s a man, he’s a controlling dick and a twat. Autism doesn’t go away after a certain age and he is obviously struggle to cope with it. Not everyone does. Poor guy

Original poster
Calvinsmam · 19/11/2018 17:34

I don’t think he does have autism to be fair.
I think he’s more likely to have some form of trauma from going deaf.

OP posts:
RangeRider · 19/11/2018 17:39

I don’t think he does have autism to be fair.
Well as someone who definitely has autism I think it's absolutely screaming it! The more you post (other than the deafness), the more it sounds autistic. The need for control over his life (not yours, his - it's unfortunate that the 2 interact), the inability to cope with change, the need for excess solitude, the routine.....
He's ticking a shed load of boxes.

FaithInfinity · 19/11/2018 17:42

CalvinsMam I went to my GP and asked to be referred to the adult service. Long waiting list but I was assessed and diagnosed. Alternatives routes include going private (pay quite a lot of money) or going through an Autism charity such as Action for Asperger’s (where they ask for a contribution).

Original poster
Calvinsmam · 19/11/2018 17:44

faiths did you find having a diagnosis helped you??

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 19/11/2018 17:46

the inability to cope with change, the need for excess solitude, the routine

Hardly get that at Glastonbury

RangeRider · 19/11/2018 17:49

Hardly get that at Glastonbury
OP has said that he plans well in advance, timetables what he's going to rigidly & goes to the same bit every year. It's routine & he gets plenty of downtime before and after.

Ragwort · 19/11/2018 17:55

If you have two living rooms surely he could be in whichever one he is more comfortable in & you and your mother spend time in a different room. It is only Monday so he’s got time to get used to the idea. Doesn’t he ever go out in the evenings?

Original poster
Calvinsmam · 19/11/2018 17:56

He does go out but not spontaneously.

OP posts:
Original poster
Calvinsmam · 19/11/2018 17:59

Ok I’ve spoken to him and said how I feel and he says he’s sorry and he’ll just get used to the idea of having Mam over.

OP posts:
BlueJava · 19/11/2018 17:59

In some ways he sounds very controlling, but in another way it just sounds like he's not coping well. However, I wouldn't invite anyone over without checking with my DP first. I'd always say "Are you ok with me having my parents over on X day" or whatever. However, if he started saying no frequently I don't know what I'd do. Is he ok if you give him warning and the option to not do it? Does he then agree if not presented with a "done deal"?

Shoxfordian · 19/11/2018 18:05

I couldn't live like this
Compromising is important but not when you're the only one inclined to do it.