AIBU to invite my mother over

[Calvinsmam]

My husband is very routine driven, our entire lives revolve around his routine and the fact he likes space and time to sit.

We have a rule that I can’t invite anyone to the house without running it past him first, and he does the same (though he never invites anyone over anyway).

Today I was talking to my mam and she is going through a hard time, she’s been looking after loads of people so I suggested she comes to ours on Friday and I’ll pamper her. She can have a bath, I’ll cook dinner and we can watch telly.

My husband says I’m being very unreasonable as I had my niece to stay two weeks ago and last week I disturbed his Friday evening by going out with my friend and he couldnt relax until I had left the house as me putting my make up on upstairs was distracting him.
He says I should stay at my Mams house and I can’t just invite my family over whenever I like.

I feel embarrassed that I would have to ask permission before inviting my close family over and I am sad that my house isn’t seen as a place where people feel welcome.

Can people tell me if I’m being unreasonable or if I should stand my ground with dh?

You seem to be enabling some fairly dysfunctional behaviour, Calvinsmam. It looks like he's become entrenched and dependent on his routines and is never challenged on them. How would he cope if he had to live alone or if you needed to make big changes to your lifestyle (accidental pregnancy or job loss for example)?

If I wanted to continue a relationship with him I'd be suggesting that he get therapy to develop coping strategies for dealing with his anxiety, and now might be a good time to start, if his depression is under control. A diagnosis is not necessarily important, you're dealing with the impact whether it's anxiety or complicated by autism.

How did you putting on make up and getting ready for a night out upstairs disturb his tv routine downstairs?

www.autism.org.uk/services.aspx

I think you have to take on board op that as he gets older he will get worse.

Are you prepared to limit your life so he can live his.

I am interested in what would happen if you were no longer around.
How would he live in a spotless clean house if he can’t cope with cleaning it.

I think you have swapped one disfunctional house for another.

Forgive me if I am overstepping the mark but how is your sex life if everything has to be so ordered and he doesn’t want children

You are bending over backwards to compromise and he's controlling you,using the depression as emotional blackmail. Everything is on his terms. That's no life OP. I'd say think about whether you can talk and reach a happy medium on socialising/family or, whether you have a future with him.

Challenge him for sure but in reality do what you want. It isn't all about him.

A million thank yous, Goldmandra! I've just Googled "impaired executive function" and done an online test. I scored 80%.

It's been suggested to one of my DBs who sees a psychiatrist for his bipolar that he might have high functioning ASD. As my DF and I are very like this DB (and we're all considered highly eccentric), we'd already speculated that this might be true of us too.

I have such a dreadful time coping with my physical environment (total chaos) and have blamed it on my chronic depression. Looks like there's more to it - and I might be able to get help with it.

Blimey needing permission to have your own mum and family over. I can understand checking about some friends but I would rather be on my own than live like this. Together with the other issues you've mentioned I would leave, especially as you don't have children.

Sounds like a miserable existence for you OP.
Fast forward to old age, no children, friends not welcome at your house, if he needs any care, he would not let anyone in and will expect you to do it all at the same time every day. If you need care, do you think he would be able to do anything for you? Help you wash and dress? Cook a meal? Clean the house? Hope you never have any surgery, or an accident and need support in the home afterwards.
Dare I suggest he needs to learn to cope with change or things not going according to his plan, or you need to really assess what you are prepared to risk going forwards.

The other thing that I missed out that probably is relevant now I think of it is that he is partially deaf, he went deaf as an adult and I know this triggered his depression and some of his behaviour.

This is interesting. Deafness is very difficult to cope with - more so than blindness. There is a huge sense of vulnerability and isolation.

If he is OCD-inclined to begin with, this could have massively exacerbated his tendencies. However, if you can persuade him to widen his horizons Calvinsmam, then it will be good for you both - but it's a "baby steps" situation.

Fast forward to old age, no children, friends not welcome at your house, if he needs any care, he would not let anyone in and will expect you to do it all at the same time every day. If you need care, do you think he would be able to do anything for you? Help you wash and dress? Cook a meal? Clean the house? Hope you never have any surgery, or an accident and need support in the home afterwards.
Dare I suggest he needs to learn to cope with change or things not going according to his plan, or you need to really assess what you are prepared to risk going forwards.

Please read this post by Bluetrews25 and think very carefully about it.

Your current situation needs far more than your husband just getting used the the idea of your mum coming over - are you going to go through this every time you invite her or your niece?

Whatever the issues your husband has and whatever the underlying causes they need addressing, dealing with and compromises made on both sides for the sake of both of you. Just controlling the depression is not enough in the long term.

What exactly happens if he gets upset about you shopping at Aldi? Why did that stop you doing it again the next week? Or leaving him to go to Tesco if it is that important?

Deafness is very difficult to cope with - more so than blindness.

Coming from a family with much visual impairment in it, I'd be interested to know the reasoning and experience behind this :-s

Deafness is very difficult to cope with - more so than blindness.
I'd have thought the exact opposite. If I couldn't hear it would suck but I'd still be independent. If I couldn't see then I'd be reliant on another and that would be hideous. I'd rather lose a limb than be blind.

How much notice does he need?...... A woman in my local village was found dead this morning, she'd committed suicide. She would of done anything for anyone, life and soul of the party. And just like that, in the blink of an eye what was going on in her head was too much. If your mam is having a hard time, treat her. Show her you care, yeah it might annoy your dh but sometimes life gets in the way of our own comfort. Be the daughter you feel your mam needs

We went shopping in Aldi and even though I had explained thatyou wouldn’t be able to get the brands he recognised and he seemed to understand that, when we actually got in the shop he didn’t like it at all. He wasn’t aggressive or anything but the only way I can describe it is that it was like when a cat goes all bushy when it sees another cat in its garden.
We filled a trolley but as we got to the tills he said ‘look I’m really uncomfortable can we just put it all back and go to Tesco instead’

found

Yeah I totally feel that, I think it’s hard because I’m balancing two peoples extreme needs.
My mam has tried to commit suicide many times and she’s having a very hard time at the moment looking after some people in her life who are very demanding (oh the irony) and when I rang her she just sounded like she needed someone to look after her for an evening.

the only way I can describe it is that it was like when a cat goes all bushy when it sees another cat in its garden.
It feels like there's a firework display going off around you but you can't get away because you don't know where the next explosion is coming from, and you just want to hide. Only this is all going on in your head and no-one else can see it or hear it so they don't believe you & they won't make it stop and you're just expected to cope.

Coming from a family with much visual impairment in it, I'd be interested to know the reasoning and experience behind this :-s

I was a Speech and Language therapist. Obviously I've got a dog in the ring as communication was my business, but having worked with people who have both deafness and blindness, most dislike being deaf the most (not that anyone particularly wanted to suffer either!).

Blindness/ visual impairment is, of course, very incapacitating - but you can hear people coming up behind you, hear traffic, cycles etc, even when you can't see them. Hearing impairment means that you can't - and if anyone/thing is behind you, you can't see it either - it can be very shocking when the person or item is suddenly on top of you.

Blindness also tends to be obvious, and people are, by and large, very helpful towards people who are blind and willing to assist them. Deafness is a "hidden disability" and people not only don't see it, but many have little patience with it. As one of my clients said "I know I get on people's wick when they have to repeat themselves (or shout, or whatever).

People who are blind can socialise and join in conversations - this is much harder for someone who is deaf. People who have been deaf from birth also develop "deaf speech", relying as they do on the visual impact of speech. It tends to be monotone, often very loud, and poorly enunciated - schoolchildren in particular often mock their fellows with this type of speech (or they certainly used to - I think the anti-bullying ethos has probably stopped at least overt mockery).

I'm not trying to minimise the adverse effects of sight impairment on the sufferer's life - but hearing impairment can be equally limiting, and leaves suffered very vulnerable.

The Aldi incident gives the impression this relationship is more mother and indulged child than equal partners.

Having to explain what Aldi is all about then putting everything back to go to Tesco because he stamps his foot, figuratively speaking and says he wants to.

The relationship doesn't look equal

I know it looks weird but He’s not like that all the time olivers if he was I wouldn’t have married him, it’s just certain things.
It was him who suggested Aldi and I was like ‘are you sure? You know you can’t get all the things your used to?’ And he was like ‘ I’m a grown up, I think I can cope with getting a different brand of tomato sauce’
But he actually didn’t like it at all when faced with it.

what a horrible post doggy
He is only partially deaf for one, and for another he still likes to socialise and dance and see specticals and hang out with his friends.

You describe it as the need for "excess solitude", RangeRider, but quite a lot of people need a significant amount of time alone. I always have. If I spend too much time in close quarters with people I start feeling very uncomfortable. And I don't think I'm autistic, though I may have ASD traits.

My DF says this is quite common. Apparently during WW2 the authorities were surprised how many soldiers became very peculiar if forced to live in barracks. Eventually they often moved people like that to more solitary duties.

He found this out as a medic doing National Service.

The thing is even your update, asking him if he is sure and his "I'm a big boy now" reply still sounds like a mother and child