AIBU to invite my mother over

[Calvinsmam]

My husband is very routine driven, our entire lives revolve around his routine and the fact he likes space and time to sit.

We have a rule that I can’t invite anyone to the house without running it past him first, and he does the same (though he never invites anyone over anyway).

Today I was talking to my mam and she is going through a hard time, she’s been looking after loads of people so I suggested she comes to ours on Friday and I’ll pamper her. She can have a bath, I’ll cook dinner and we can watch telly.

My husband says I’m being very unreasonable as I had my niece to stay two weeks ago and last week I disturbed his Friday evening by going out with my friend and he couldnt relax until I had left the house as me putting my make up on upstairs was distracting him.
He says I should stay at my Mams house and I can’t just invite my family over whenever I like.

I feel embarrassed that I would have to ask permission before inviting my close family over and I am sad that my house isn’t seen as a place where people feel welcome.

Can people tell me if I’m being unreasonable or if I should stand my ground with dh?

Basically, stop trying to save him from himself. Live your life as you wish. Let the kitchen get messy. Have mates round on a whim. Let him learn how to cope. It is his problem not your problem. You can't learn for him, he has to work it out for himself. How can he learn if he never faces the challenge to overcome? Of course that will feel crap for him but hey that's life, nobody ever got better at something by avoiding it.

There's a lot of truth in this. However, you need to be clear about your reasons for doing this and communicate them very effectively. Things are likely to get harder before they get better.

We have friends we socialise with and we have never seen inside their homes.
Lots of posters on Mumsnet describe their home as their haven and never answer the door unless they are expecting visitors.
Some people like their own space at home and others like a, open home with lots of comings and goings.
I tend more toward the, my home is my haven but I am happy to host and cater for large numbers occasionally. Whilst I enjoy the socialising it can take me days to recover.
Out of consideration for my DH I would probably invite my Mother or Daughter over when my DH was busy or otherwise engaged. I would certainly consult him.
Do you think your DH is introverted or maybe has OCD tendencies?

He needs stronger medication and probably other types of therapy too. Go to his gp, who won't be able to tell you about him, but you will be able to tell the gp what it is like living with him. I suspect yourdh hasn't twigged how bad he actually is, nor how ab, nor how stifling the demands his condition have made on you, or how much you hashad to change simply in order to make his condition manageable. Time for a long chat with the gp.

Also, doinvite your mum over, you both need it.

DH needs to be makingconcessions to normality. You have two sitting rooms, he goes in one andd learns how to control his agitation in any way that is available to him, cbt whatever. The effort needs to come from him.

Sounds to me that level of routine would be best served by living alone. Sad but true.

Where is your joy OP? Where is your freedom? This insidious narrowing of your life has probably been so slow you don’t see it yourself.

Forget getting him help, go and get yourself some counselling, it might remove those blinkers and what must be a pressing grey pressure of responsibility.

Who are you married to? Sheldon Cooper?

I know that you and your DH have decided between you how to live your lives (no children, you do cleaning, "book ahead" for visitors etc) - but it does look as though between you you have decided how to live his life. Yours isn't getting much of a look in.

You have two living rooms - then let one be "his" space when you have company. I don't doubt that his teeth will be on edge until your guest leaves, but that's something for him to learn to cope with. If he doesn't push his boundaries, they will actually contract and your living situation will become even more stringent.

Regarding your mother - if she's a hoarder she most likely has issues of her own, and she has been having a hard time of things, then she will need support from you and other family members. If you are childless, it is likely that you are the one with most spare room, so it isn't unreasonable for you to offer her a night off.

Tell your DH that she needs this short break with you - and that it will make you feel better too because you are worried about her, and would like to spoil her a little bit. And after she goes home, perhaps the two of you could re-think the way you run your household so that it's fairer to you.

He is responding well to his treatment for depression, he must not be allowed to use that as an excuse for controlling behaviour.

OP, it all sounds a bit sad, you can't have kids with him if you wanted them, you have to keep the house spotlessly clean, you can't have your beloved nieces over on a whim.

Where's the joy? Or contentedness?

Red flags all over the place here.

This is no kind of relationship, he is completely controlling you.

I would speak independently to a counsellor or to woman's aid charity line.

Having depression is no excuse for this behaviour, and even if it was you cannot live like this.

he sounds like he would genuinely like to live on his own, but then he would lose his cleaner and cook, wouldn't he?

These are his problems OP but he's making them yours. And that's not fair. He must know his behaviours aren't normal? It's down to him to research and find coping strategies - not you.

I was feeling incredibly sad for you and then when I saw your comment about Glastonbury, it became real anger for you. He should be very grateful I'm not one of your family!

Is this what you want for your life?

Are you happy and in love with this man?

Do you eventually want to have children. You could wait a little while longer but time is not on your side. Children is not for everyone but if you want them you will have to make some hard choices.

Maybe it just sounds very bald when it's written down OP, but it sounds like he's making you live a pretty sad and empty existence. No normal household clutter, no friends over, no family over, no help around the house.

Also, having to give up the option of having children because you don't feel he would cope with them sounds like a pretty big sacrifice.

I really don't think his depression is being that well managed if he's so on edge all of the time.

Just read this bit :

He is quite sociable so is happy to go out with his friends, he will go to Glastonbury and stay in a tent for five days but says he finds having one of my friends over for tea too stimulating

He is completely taking the piss.

Seriously, any issues he has that you described are totally invalidated by this statement.

I cannot believe he has been to glasto with his mates camping then has claimed that other, mundane house things are overwhelming.

I can't think of may things as wild and testing as Glastonbury.

I'm not going to shout LTB - but is this how you want to live your life?

If not, why are you? are you afraid if you don't follow his rules he'll leave you? Or get sick (which will be 'your fault')?

As a child, did you have to put up with your Mum's mental health issues and work round her hording? Because you know as an adult, you don't have to. You can say no - he's free to leave you, you don't have to change the way you live your life to suit his mental health needs.

His mental health is not more important than yours.

The way he wants to live his life is not more important than how you want to live yours.

If a compromise has to be made, the fact that he's had depression in the past does not mean that you have to always be the one to give up what you want.

If he's unable to compromise, then perhaps he needs to think if he is best suited to living with another adult, not think about how he can force you to change your way of life to suit his.

What a sad life.

He honestly spends about 6 hours a week doing the two loads of washing we have to do and I just can’t be arsed to get him to do anything else, he will spend 2 hours doing the washing up.

Again, that's his problem OP, don't make it yours. If he wants to waste his time doing it painfully slowly, let him. Don't play into his hands any more than you already are by taking it over.

I really think you need to stop putting yourself second and remind him it's not just about his happiness. It's about yours too.

As a matter of interest, how exactly does his "distress" manifest itself?

He sounds like he has issues. Has he been like this the whole relationship? If yes, it seems weird to me that you would marry someone so controlling 🤔 YANBU

I have autism which probably makes my judgement different but dh could feck right off if he thought he could invite his mother round to my house for a bath!!! Invite her for dinner maybe, but not all evening and eeww no naked in-laws in the bathroom.
Sorry, I think if you want to spend a large amount of time like that with someone then you go to their house and do it there.

It’s interesting that so many times controlling/strict routines are seen as ASD. I’d also be interested to know if he’s been formally assessed.

I have ASD. I’m diagnosed now but didn’t get my diagnosis until my mid 30s. I’m aware that my DH and family make adjustments for me - I’m especially fussy about clothing, have other sensory issues (ear defenders are good!). I struggle to adapt to change but that’s usually when I don’t get much notice. I know that no two people with ASD are alike though. I really don’t think I could camp at a festival for example! I’m not wholly convinced he is displaying signs of ASD. How is he outside the home? Does he need things the same all the time at work?

OP how are you managing to cope with this life?! This would drive me insane!

if it's going to rain you don't want your washing out in it - it'll get dirty again and need rewashing!

You’ve misunderstood what I meant, it’s not that he doesn’t want the washing out, it’s that we can’t go out. If he’s doing the washing and it’s a nice day we have to stay in until it dries in case it rains while we’re out.
Otherwise he’ll put the heating on so that it’ll dry on the radiators even in the hottest part of summer. It’s either stay in and wait for the washing to dry or have the heating on.

This is just an example of the way that he’s a bit set in his thinking, it means our lives revolve around the washing when actually there’s millions of people all over the world doing their washing and it not being an issue.

Yes he is the same at work, he is very good at his job and well liked but it’s a bit of a joke that he’s a robot that needs everything exactly the same every day.
They let him work in a private office because he hates being around other people and works from him two days a week as he finds being in the open plan office stressful.

I have autism which probably makes my judgement different but dh could feck right off if he thought he could invite his mother round to my house for a bath!!! Invite her for dinner maybe, but not all evening and eeww no naked in-laws in the bathroom.

Sorry, I think if you want to spend a large amount of time like that with someone then you go to their house and do it there.

But what if their partner feels the same as you and doesn't want visitors in their house either?

You’ve misunderstood what I meant, it’s not that he doesn’t want the washing out, it’s that we can’t go out. If he’s doing the washing and it’s a nice day we have to stay in until it dries in case it rains while we’re out.
Otherwise he’ll put the heating on so that it’ll dry on the radiators even in the hottest part of summer. It’s either stay in and wait for the washing to dry or have the heating on

Do you ever tell him he's being ridiculous? How would he react if you did?

Sorry, I'll step away now - I'm in danger of become hectoring!

For people asking why I’m with him,

I love him very much, he’s very funny and we get on very well.
I had a chaotic childhood and crave stability and structure and I found this with my husband.
He knows his behaviour is odd and does genuinely try to be more flexible, he has really come on loads and is much better than he was.
He has sought help and I’m proud of how much fat he’s come. 97% of the time I’m completely happy with him, I’m not exactly a party animal myself but sometimes I get frustrated and this 3% can be hard.

I think you need to think about the future.
You will see less and less of your family and friends if they cant pop round.
Does he have a job?
If you go it alone you will be less lonely than you are now and because you are beginning to see it asit is all about him the resentment will drive you apart.