Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

AIBU to invite my mother over

200 replies

Calvinsmam · 19/11/2018 13:37

My husband is very routine driven, our entire lives revolve around his routine and the fact he likes space and time to sit.

We have a rule that I can’t invite anyone to the house without running it past him first, and he does the same (though he never invites anyone over anyway).

Today I was talking to my mam and she is going through a hard time, she’s been looking after loads of people so I suggested she comes to ours on Friday and I’ll pamper her. She can have a bath, I’ll cook dinner and we can watch telly.

My husband says I’m being very unreasonable as I had my niece to stay two weeks ago and last week I disturbed his Friday evening by going out with my friend and he couldnt relax until I had left the house as me putting my make up on upstairs was distracting him.
He says I should stay at my Mams house and I can’t just invite my family over whenever I like.

I feel embarrassed that I would have to ask permission before inviting my close family over and I am sad that my house isn’t seen as a place where people feel welcome.

Can people tell me if I’m being unreasonable or if I should stand my ground with dh?

OP posts:

WakeUpFromYourDreamAndScream · 19/11/2018 14:27

What a depressing life OP. You deserve so much more. He sounds like an utter twat

Original poster

Calvinsmam · 19/11/2018 14:27

pisspaw

He is on medication for his depression and it really helps.

OP posts:

CwtchesAreTheBest · 19/11/2018 14:28

How old are you OP? Will you be happy to live like this for ever?

Marriage is about give and take, your relationship sounds unbalanced and unltimately that is unhealthy.

Goldmandra · 19/11/2018 14:28

Of course YANBU to want to welcome people who are important to you into your home.

However, your DH is behaving exactly as if he has autism. If he does, it is highly likely that he knows he finds some things hard and doesn't understand why. His self esteem will be damaged by the fact that he cant cope with things that seem to come easily to the people around him. He may also find it hard to imagine that others don't feel the same way as he does about home being a safe place and needing to be kept private and sacrosanct.

Also, people with autism can often find the world to be a chaotic and unpredictable place which makes for high levels of anxiety. They then try to manage this anxiety by trying to minimise change and retain control over those things they can. Having a really predictable routine,breaks from social interaction and low sensory input can really help.

I think you and he both need to find out about autism. There are lots of strategies you can use to make things more manageable. I would suggest that the first of these is that you make going out part of your routine. Try to make it the same night of the week where possible. Once it is part of the routine for both of you, he should stop feeling so stressed by it.

Google impaired executive function. This is probably the reason he can't manage a lot of housework. If he can use checklists to break tasks down and, again, gradually build them into his routine, you'll probably find he can do a lot more without getting stressed and overwhelmed.

You and he need to work together to find out how to meet his need for predictability and your need to spend time with your family.

Autism is a disability and can have a huge impact on someone's ability to function. However, understanding the reasons behind the behaviour and using strategies that work for other people with ASD should make a big difference for both of you.

howabout · 19/11/2018 14:29

Tempted to suggest you and your DM swap places for a while but probably not helpful. I would be sorely tempted to leave them both to it but I assume they have redeeming qualities for you to put up with them (my DB is bipolar so I do get it)

Tinkety · 19/11/2018 14:31

I had my niece to stay two weeks ago

How long did your niece stay for?

I just meant she could have a bath before bed

Does that mean your mum is spending the night /weekend rather than just coming over for the evening? How long is she staying for?

As an introvert, I would really struggle with having overnight guests twice in the space of a few weeks, especially if there was an alternative such as you going for a visit instead.

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/11/2018 14:32

Calvinsmum

As someone who lived like this hoping to not rock the boat because it would set someone off down a slippery slope with their depression.

Please run. You can never ever be that perfect.

Do you want children, do you want to be able to have people over when you want without asking permission.

All I know is the moment I left the house knowing I would never have to be responsible for someone’s mental health it was like being unlocked from a prison I hadn’t realised I was in.

The sense of freedom was something I cannot describe.

Please think seriously about what you want from life and what you don’t want.

Do you want children?

Do you want to spend the rest of your life asking permission to do anything?

Do you want to go out when you want to?

Do you want to spend the rest of your life scrubbing floors and having your work inspected?

Your updates make me feel really sad for you.

Have you ever turned to him and said you can’t cope with his behaviour.

RangeRider · 19/11/2018 14:33

Everyone should read Goldmandra's post over and over until they understand....

Original poster

Calvinsmam · 19/11/2018 14:33

My niece came over after school and left with me when I went to work in the morning so about 9am

It would be the same for my mother, she’d be coming over around 7 and leaving at 9am the next day.

The reason she’d stay overnight is because she lives about an hours drive away.

OP posts:

sunshineandshowers21 · 19/11/2018 14:33

if my partner tried to tell me i couldn’t have people round without asking him first he’d be straight out the door! my mum and sister come round pretty much everyday for a cuppa and a chat, no way would i be checking that it was okay first. he sounds like a right controlling twit!

MakeAHouseAHome · 19/11/2018 14:34

Hmmmm the whole general rule about running any vistpr past you is maybe a bit OTT. However, if my DP invited his mother over for a whole evening without running it by me I don't think I would be impressed either.

MarklahMarklah · 19/11/2018 14:37

I'm going to say that suggesting autism doesn't wash with me. I have a friend who is autistic and who struggles with noise/bustle. Their lifestlye necessitates a routine - BUT - if there are plans to do thing socially, with notice (a few days) then friend can find coping strategies, and plan an 'exit route' where they'll have some peace & order to escape to.

Whilst depression may have been the original starting point, it sounds more about control than about accommodating what you want. Marriage works as a give-and-take set up on both sides. You can't just take and never give. And by give, I don't mean physically give something, I mean 'give' as in accommodate other people's wishes.

ILoveAutum · 19/11/2018 14:41

I don’t think it’s about ‘standing your ground’.

Sadly, I think it’s about accepting the fact that his depression, or autism, means he’s not comfortable having people in his home. He’s not going to change, so you have to either stop inviting people around, compromise (set nights/x nights per week or month or whatever) or go your own way. You’ll never be able to have an open, welcoming home, while you're with him. Is that something you can live with?

Are YOU sure you’re willing to give up having children to stay with him? (Definitely do NOT have children with him).

STOP doing all the housework. He’s a grown adult, people with depression or autism do not get a ‘pass’ on housework. They have to find methods of keeping on top of it that work for them and that does not simply mean telling others they have to do all the housework.

Nanny0gg · 19/11/2018 14:41

However, if my DP invited his mother over for a whole evening without running it by me I don't think I would be impressed either.

But if you did, would you expect him to veto it?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/11/2018 14:41

Calvinsmam

re your comments in quote marks:-

"Yeah I feel like a mug to be honest".

Yes he is taking you for a fool here.

"When I write it down it sounds really bad, I know exactly what I’d say if it was happening to someone else".

So why can't you say it to your own self?.

What are you getting out of this relationship now, what is in this for you still?. Who died and made this man king?

I also wonder what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

Goldmandra · 19/11/2018 14:41

That will be because your friend has a diagnosis of autism, understands some of the reasons behind her difficulties and has built a toolkit of strategies to help in social situations. The OP's DH doesn't have this advantage.

HollowTalk · 19/11/2018 14:43

You know something - if you separated from your husband you would feel like you were on holiday. I bet you are coiled up inside in case you do something wrong.

I couldn't live like that. My home's my sanctuary and I want to be able to invite other people into it. I also want to be able to put my make up on before going out, without being told that it's making someone uncomfortable.

You are living as though you're single in some ways, in that you socialise without him, but the rest is as though you're in prison.

I think you're right that he wouldn't cope with a child, but I would urge you to reassess whether that's what you want. As you say, you're not being allowed to have any kind of family life at all.

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/11/2018 14:43

Whilst Goldmandra makes some good point if the dh does have autism.

Surely it shouldn’t just fall to the op to right off her life and how she would want to live just to keep the dh happy.

I think both of you are very different people and want very different things.

You cannot be expected to just exist to make sure your dh is happy and spend your life tip toeing round him to make sure he doesn’t go off the rails

This is so much more than your dm coming round for the evening.

Original poster

Calvinsmam · 19/11/2018 14:43

The autism thing has been suggested before and we have looked into it. Looking at the triggers have really helped him, but I can’t gelp but feel frustrated sometimes that it all has to be on his terms.
He is quite sociable so is happy to go out with his friends, he will go to Glastonbury and stay in a tent for five days but says he finds having one of my friends over for tea too stimulating.

we’re in our early 30’s for people who are asking.

OP posts:

Franinipancake · 19/11/2018 14:46

Is he receiving treatment OP - medical or talking therapies? Because it doesn't actually sound like he's in a good place with his depression and other issues. Avoidance of everything "triggering" might seem like a solution but it's not sustainable long term. Not for a life with you if you want a family and social life. I think he needs more professional help, because whatever he's tried in the past or is doing now isn't working.

Goldmandra · 19/11/2018 14:47

Surely it shouldn’t just fall to the op to right off her life and how she would want to live just to keep the dh happy.

Autism can be an explanation for some difficulties and behaviour but it isn't a reason anyone should write off their life. As an adult, the OP's DH has a responsibility to take other people's needs into account just like anyone else. Sometimes the understanding of the condition is all it takes to make that possible.

howabout · 19/11/2018 14:49

If he's happy to share a tent in the mudbath that is Glastonbury then ....

Original poster

Calvinsmam · 19/11/2018 14:49

It’s not that he tells me I have to do the housework it’s just that he does it so unbelievably slowly that it’s easier just to give him specific jobs and then do everything else myself.
So he does the washing but he has to do it on the same days at the same time and he gets sooooo stressed about it. If it’s a washing day and it’s going to rain we can’t go out because what if the washing gets wet?
He honestly spends about 6 hours a week doing the two loads of washing we have to do and I just can’t be arsed to get him to do anything else, he will spend 2 hours doing the washing up.

He also can’t do anything on a Sunday because he needs to cycle into town and get his salads from marks and Spencer’s for the work week and gets very distressed if anything gets in his way.

OP posts:

Goldmandra · 19/11/2018 14:50

He is quite sociable so is happy to go out with his friends, he will go to Glastonbury and stay in a tent for five days but says he finds having one of my friends over for tea too stimulating.

Fair comment, OP. I imagine that he does get out and do things, possible still following a routine, e.g. going to Glastonbury every year.

I'm not suggesting he shouldn't have to tolerate you having friends round. He needs to find strategies to manage that so your needs are met as well as his.

MarklahMarklah · 19/11/2018 14:50

I understand that my friend has a diagnosis - but that wasn't until middle age (46). There has been little to no support from any professional body for my friend to manage the problems that arise.

OP has said that there is another, separate lounge, so it isn't as though her DH doesn't have somewhere to escape to.

The more you say, OP, the more it sounds as though its his way or now way.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8