AIBU to invite my mother over

[Calvinsmam]

My husband is very routine driven, our entire lives revolve around his routine and the fact he likes space and time to sit.

We have a rule that I can’t invite anyone to the house without running it past him first, and he does the same (though he never invites anyone over anyway).

Today I was talking to my mam and she is going through a hard time, she’s been looking after loads of people so I suggested she comes to ours on Friday and I’ll pamper her. She can have a bath, I’ll cook dinner and we can watch telly.

My husband says I’m being very unreasonable as I had my niece to stay two weeks ago and last week I disturbed his Friday evening by going out with my friend and he couldnt relax until I had left the house as me putting my make up on upstairs was distracting him.
He says I should stay at my Mams house and I can’t just invite my family over whenever I like.

I feel embarrassed that I would have to ask permission before inviting my close family over and I am sad that my house isn’t seen as a place where people feel welcome.

Can people tell me if I’m being unreasonable or if I should stand my ground with dh?

Just read your update. So as long as nothing rocks the boat we're ok. I'm reading that as "as long as I do exactly what I'm told hubby won't have a hissy fit"

What you mean is, as long as you tip toe around him and do things his way, he doesn't kick off?
Do you want children?
And the housework excuse is bollocks.
I grew up with someone who used his depression as an excuse to get out of parenting and responsibilities and I think you're being played.

What reddog said. What compromises does HE make? It sounds as though he is suing his issues as an excuse to control you. He decides who comes. He wants a spotless home you you have to clean it.

The issue with children. Would you not regret not having children due to his issues? I'm sorry, no man is worth sacrificing having children for.

OP, you must feel like you're walking on eggshells in your own home. This is terrible. I would hate that!

So instead of him dealing with his own issues, they are YOUR issues to deal with now. You're living HIS life HIS way. When will you live your life YOUR way?

It’s so sad that you’re limiting your life so severely for him. Would you like to have children? Would you like to socialise more? It sounds like avoiding triggers for his depression has involved you behaving exactly as he wants you to.

Your DH and your Mom sound like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. Did you pick him because he was the opposite of what you knew from your home? Her a hoarder and him an obsessive clean freak.
None of them is good for you. How about you try living on your own for a bit?

You need to have a proper chat with him. Tell that you can’t live like this or you’ll leave!

Has your husband ever been assessed for the possibility of an autistic spectrum disorder?

He sounds incredibly controlling and lazy.
No, he sounds as if he has autism.

Don't give up having kids for him op if you want them. No man is ever worth that. No way.

He could still leave you one day and move on with someone else. Maybe even have kids one day. It happens all the time where men who were adamant about not wanting kids find a new relationship and have kids when it's too late for their first partner.

Put yourself first op. After all, that's what he's been doing your entire relationship.

Agree with all pp, what a coincidence that lots of housework triggers him so YOU have to do it all! No guests, no kids. He should be working towards getting to a stage where you both get what you want from life. Your posts read like it's just him him and him some more. "I can't relax, you're in another room doing your make up"

You're not organising an open Facebook invite for an all night rave at your gaff! It's your mum coming to watch telly. This sounds like such a sad way to live.

Has he ever been diagnosed with autism because it might be something to look into and understand more. Then you and him might have a better quality of life.

The important question would he get himself seen by a specialist to diagnose him?

What are you getting out of your relationship with your DH? This would not work for me.

However on the more immediate problem have you considered staying with your DM for a wee while to sort out her hoarding etc and see if you can get her more connected socially? Would also give you some space to assess your circumstances.

Calvinsmum Yeah I feel like a mug to be honest.

When I write it down it sounds really bad, I know exactly what I’d say if it was happening to someone else.

You are being treated as a mug by someone who is supposed to love you, care about you and view you as an equal partner and, sadly, you have been emotionally blackmailed/guilt-tripped into being a mug by your dh using his depression and other issues as weapons.

It doesn't just sound really bad it is really bad. You can change it though, you don't have to live like this. If your dh cannot or will not compromise and make changes then you need to either resign yourself to this life of living in a prison your dh has constructed for the rest of your days knowing it will never improve and will likely become worse or break free, leave and live the life you want and deserve.

I know what I would do.

How old are you OP? This sounds so sad.

RangeRider the routine and not wanting guests sure, but autism doesn't excuse demanding his wife keep the house spotless and doing absolutely none of the cleaning because it would be too overwhelming. It doesn't entitle him to a house elf.

I have a partner who tried various bollocks to get out of housework 'i just don't see things that need doing' 'my mind doesn't work that way' 'i like to relax after work' etc etc.
It was all bollocks, perfectly capable of doing stuff when his mum was coming to visit (didn't want her having a go) but couldn't be bothered the rest of the time. Much better now but it took a good few years and several full on arguments to get to the point where I don't have to keep asking him to do stuff, he just gets on with things by himself.
Depends on whether you think it's worth the effort and if he can actually be kicked into shape or not.

The kids thing might be a bit of a red herring, I could be persuaded either way and with the lifestyle I have I am just as happy not to have them as to have them.
But if I’m not having them I want a fulfilling family life in other ways, I have a very close relationship with my nieces and would love for them to be able to just get the bus to ours after school if they wanted to or for my sister to come on a Sunday for lunch.

I do socialise a lot but it’s all out of the house and without dh.
I feel 100% welcome in their houses and I just feel embarrassed that they obviously don’t feel the same.

My husband does listen and I think he tries but he just can’t seem to get off his rails (I’m not sure if that makes sense but it’s the only way I can think to describe it) he says he loves having our nieces over but he needs a long time to get used to the idea and then it can only happen once every 6 months or so.

I have just been ignoring the problem to be honest by just going to other people’s houses (he’s not controlling at all about where I go or who I spend time with) but recently it’s been getting me down.
We’ve also recently had the house redone so we have the perfect space for entertaining and I dunno, I suppose I thought that before we had it done we didn’t have people over because of the house and now I can just see that’s not the real reason.

Avoidance of triggers in a mental health situation does not mean they are solved. It means literally avoiding them and eventually you end up avoiding so many things you're not actually dealing with anything. If this is about his depression he needs to seek proper treatment through therapy and perhaps medication.

If he is on the autism spectrum then he needs to figure out how to cope with his triggers, not just avoid them. He is a grown up.

You shouldn't have to be miserable just so he can live exactly how he wants to. Don't give up things in your own life for him, if he won't or can't learn to live with the issues properly otherwise you are being controlled by him.

Is he on the spectrum?
Even if he is, it doesn't excuse him being an utter twat.

Apt of people live with depression, it doesn't mean they control their partners to the extent he is controlling you. How on earth could he be distracted by you putting make up on in a different room! Sounds like he is using his depression as a way to control you and keep you right where he wants you.

My DP is a bit like yours only not as extreme. But he resents my family visiting, he's made comments before, and sometimes pulls what I call his spoiled brat face, if I tell him I have invited someone over.
Last time he did this I lost my temper a bit and told him that it was my sister we were talking about, not a bloody axe-murderer, and that if I wanted to see my sister I would, and if he didn't like it he could go out. Also I didn't want to see him pulling the Face again, it was so unattractive.
I know it sounds bossy and it was, a bit, but standing up to him was a good thing IMO. I wonder if you've ever said as much to your husband? I hadn't, before my outburst, but things have been better since I did.

howabout

Ha my mother is a whole other kettle of fish, she has a diagnosed borderline personality disorder and there is no way in hell I could go and stay with her. She will never let anyone sort out her house, and I have given up trying.

Her and my dh get on well so it’s not that that’s stopping him from letting her come over.

Yes, this certainly isn't normal behaviour as others have highlighted. I think the most glaring thing was he likes a spotless house but doesn't like to have to clean it or he gets overwhelmed. What about you in all this?

Not sure what the answer is, but you have my sympathies.