AIBU to invite my mother over

[Calvinsmam]

My husband is very routine driven, our entire lives revolve around his routine and the fact he likes space and time to sit.

We have a rule that I can’t invite anyone to the house without running it past him first, and he does the same (though he never invites anyone over anyway).

Today I was talking to my mam and she is going through a hard time, she’s been looking after loads of people so I suggested she comes to ours on Friday and I’ll pamper her. She can have a bath, I’ll cook dinner and we can watch telly.

My husband says I’m being very unreasonable as I had my niece to stay two weeks ago and last week I disturbed his Friday evening by going out with my friend and he couldnt relax until I had left the house as me putting my make up on upstairs was distracting him.
He says I should stay at my Mams house and I can’t just invite my family over whenever I like.

I feel embarrassed that I would have to ask permission before inviting my close family over and I am sad that my house isn’t seen as a place where people feel welcome.

Can people tell me if I’m being unreasonable or if I should stand my ground with dh?

OP, it seems your DH loves you and would like to change some of his behaviour.

And you must love him very dearly to put up with him, tbh. I don't think I could live like that

Perhaps you should get advice from the relevant charities and both go to your GP to see if any help is available? Because the way of living you describe is very extreme and limiting.

Oh OP, you swapped your Mum's no routine for your DH's ridged one, you've never got to live with normality.

OP, reading through your updates you do seem as though you enable his behaviour quite a bit, they way you talk about going to ALDI, explaining it to him and then just leaving the stuff and going back to Tesco's.
If DH's behaviour is going to change you are going to both have to be uncomfortable at times while working through setting new boundaries and sticking to them.Talking through how to make changes and carry them through with a therapist or similar might be useful for you.

Yes I probably do enable him quite a bit, it’s hard for me to judge what tack I should take.

@thetemptationofchocolate - OMG: 'The FACE'. I know it all too well.

OP, my ex was a bit like yours. If we were driving to B and I quickly wanted to stop off at A since we were driving past there anyway, all hell would break loose as it wasn't in 'the plan'. I was never allowed to invite anyone over as it would inconvenience him and intrude on his personal space.

After a couple of years of this I thought bollocks! I couldn't live like that. So if I wanted to stop off somewhere I did, and if he threw a hissy fit I ignored him. I invited friends over when I felt like it, and if he didn't like it he could sit upstairs sulking in his study. If he gave me the silent treatment I enjoyed it, as it was better than the constant bickering and putting me down - and miles better than 'THE FACE'.

You really don't have to live like this, it's not healthy for your MH. You'll end up with depression yourself!

He honestly spends about 6 hours a week doing the two loads of washing we have to do and I just can’t be arsed to get him to do anything else, he will spend 2 hours doing the washing up

He has you well trained OP.

You both need to go to the gp and explain everything. He needs some support in coming to terms with his deafness and the trauma of it. He also needs help in living more normally, and you need him to get access to any help he can get so that your own life can be lived more normally. You want your nieces to be anle to come round just because they want anytime. It's worth effort now to get that sort of thing into your future, and to lose the washing rituals altogether.

If you both want it to get better it can because you can both work together to make it better. Learning new ways of doing things is uncomfortable but doable.
Is there any mental health support you could both access to draw up some new ways of working?
If not could you both read some relevant books and draw up a strategy together?
If only you wants it to get better it may well not because the new ways won't be as easy for him as the old.

We just looked at the criteria we never had any formal diagnosis as we couldn’t see where to get one as an adult? And I’m not sure even how helpful it would be?

If you know what you're dealing with, you can potentially get help for your DH to develop strategies to manage better with change, social communication, sensory difficulties and all the rest.

Can I ask why the washing would get dirty if it gets rained on.

Rain is just water

I missed the second part of your question until Miscible highlighted it. I can honestly say getting a diagnosed as an adult has been life changing for me. Since childhood I knew I was different. I didn’t fit in. I struggled socially. I didn’t do as well as expected academically (I misunderstood questions). Suddenly it all made sense. Suddenly I’m entitled to reasonable adjustments. Now I know why I’m different, why I’m weird, why I don’t do things the way most other people do. I’ve also found a group of women who have similar issues/needs and it’s so refreshing to have a safe space where I’m understood. When I have counselling they tailor it to me because they know that my brain processes things differently to most. Recently I used my diagnosis to get a ‘hidden disability’ lanyard when I travelled - it allowed me to go through a different channel at security, we got to board the plane first, I got additional support from the airport staff and airline crew. I am a nervous flier and it was my first transatlantic flight so this made a huge difference to me. My anxiety is better in general because at least know I know why I am as I am.

There’s little formal support - it was pretty much ‘Here’s your diagnosis, hope it helps. You might find some support groups locally’. But support is out there if you look. Don’t dismiss the idea of assessment out of hand. It can really help.

Wow.. Sorry but I'd tell him to fuck off, he sounds very selfish and controlling.

We filled a trolley but as we got to the tills he said ‘look I’m really uncomfortable can we just put it all back and go to Tesco instead’

And did you?

(Although to be fair, I'm with him as regards Aldi v Tesco!)

faith that’s really interesting thank you, I’ll tell him what you said, he does want to manage life better so I think If he thought a diagnosis would help he’d go for it.
He currently has a disabled persons railcard because of his hearing issues and it makes his life so much easier as he struggles with hearing announcements and understanding timetables when there’s lots of noise.

dontcallme
Yes we did because he wasn’t being horrible he was obviously overwhelmed and I didn’t think it was right to force him to get that shopping.

But he can manage a festival?
You are being taken for a mug mate.

I really do wish people would try improving their understanding about autism BEFORE slagging off someone who very likely has the condition. Or even just RTFT so that they understand how he copes with Glastonbury his way.
As someone with autism these threads are really depressing because they show exactly how little most people are ready to even try and understand another person & how their mind works. Our minds don't function like yours, life can be pretty fucking difficult, and shitty attitudes like many of the ones found on this thread and those like it just make it a whole lot worse.

I understand that in all likelihood, this could well be a diagnosable case of autism/ ASD , which is a lot to take on board when coupled with the hearing impairment. As @schandefrudepersonified and @faithinfinity have outlined, getting a formal diagnosis may pave the way for reasonable adjustments to made for things like travel.

However, in your everyday lives you both need strategies to manage everyday life without going to ridiculous lengths to avoid him having to acknowledge any aspect of life that he's not keen on. Even children with autism in mainstream schools learn that, while appropriate adjustments are made to enable them to learn in an environment that's safe and inclusive for them, school routines may not always be exactly as they would like, and part of the job of the school is to put strategies in place to help the child learn how to manage uncomfortable situations. With some professional guidance, your husband may be able to take on board similar strategies to help him manage household and relationship situations, rather than demanding that you make the issue he doesn't like go away.

Range it is not the being able to cope with Glastonbury his way which raises the eyebrows. It is the being able to cope with Glastonbury / anything else to his advantage while at the same time being unable / unwilling to find coping strategies to accommodate his DW.

But he has found coping mechanisms - he avoids having people there often! He just needs OP to have a (clear) conversation where they look for different, better mechanisms that enable her to have visitors. Like a PP said, making Friday a visitors day, while he can take one room for himself & they have the other. Or discuss ways in which he can do a fairer share of the housework without OP getting frustrated at his lack of speed and doing it herself - he has specific tasks, broken down, on a visual checklist, to be completed at a set time.
There are plenty of ways round it but OP needs to be taking his needs (and they are needs, not just wants) into consideration and working with him to establish methods that work for both of them, not just getting frustrated and taking over jobs because he's not doing them her way while complaining because he finds unexpected visitors intolerable. He genuinely can't help it. He's not being deliberately controlling, he's just trying to control his own life so he can cope with it.
I know it's crap for OP not being able to have family dropping by 24-7 (sounds hideous to me) but autism is a disability. You wouldn't expect someone who was blind to manage everything a person with 20:20 vision could do, you'd make allowances & look to make things easier. Autism is the same. Make things easier for him & it'll make things easier for OP too. Just think outside the box and don't assume that he can just suck it up and struggle. That'll be a big part of why he's depressed. Autism & depression go hand in hand.

I think that’s a bit unfair range I have been extremely accommodating to his needs, and we do have a system for him when it comes to housework he has his jobs and I do everything else.
He is trying but so am I!

Sorry hit send too soon.

We’ve had many conversations about what we both need and I really do think he tries hard to meet me in the middle and I try to meet him.
I keep the house spotless because I understand it’s more distressing for a tidy person to live in mess than a messy person to tidy up.
I don’t want people dropping in 24/7 I want to be able to invite my mother over 5 days in advance without worrying my husband will have a melt down about it or my niece to be able to come over for tea.

We had a conversation last night and he sees what I am saying and wants to be more flexible it’s just about finding the sweet spot where both our needs are being met.

Can he wear hearing aids I'm deaf myself in my left ear and I cant wear a hearing aid.

He has tried two different types and didn’t get on with either, he also has very loud tinnitus.

We had a conversation last night and he sees what I am saying and wants to be more flexible

He can talk till he is blue in the face but ultimately he cannot translate this into actions.
It might not be his fault but ultimately he is going to struggle.

I think I read that he thought once every 6 months was what he thought acceptable. Does anyone think that going from 2 times a year to 52 times a year is going to happen.

I do think op you do need do what a pp said To think this through and imagine what your life will be like in 10, 20, 40 years time and look back on your life from those points.
I suppose are you willing for your life to become as narrow as his.

I think you need to see an audiologist asap, either privately or through referral from gp. I think you need to see gp anyway re his anxiety and you need to tell them exactly what your life is like.